Hi, I am stuck! I can't make a final decision. I want to divorce my husband. I feel that I can not continue in this marriage. Is it normal to have mixed emotions? I know for sure that I need to let him go so that I may go on with my life. He have hurt me for 4 years and I just feel that God has a something better planned for me. However, at one time I really loved my husband and I think about my feelings that I use to have for him. I have given him so many chances and he have made so many promises and broken them all. I want to be happy. My dream was to be a wife and share the rest of my life with my husband. I had a miscarriage a couple of years ago because of my husband. I am not getting any younger, I want to have children and start a family. My husband have different plans. I do not want to get pregnant by him and he is not here for me. I thought that he was the one for me but apparently he is not.
Should I go through with the divorce? I know this is what I want to do but the emotions are so overwhelming. If I do divorce him, should I let him know that I am going to divorce him or do I just do it and let him find out when he is served the papers? It hurts me too much to constantly know that he is with the other woman. When he visit me, I cry everytime he leave because I know that he is leaving to go back to her. I prefer that he do not visit me because it is too painful. I feel better when I don't see him. Someone please give me some advice. Thanks

Hi Tania -

According to your other post, and our replies to that, I'll shout out another, get out of that marriage now!!! File the papers, and go.

He does not deserve to know. If I were you, and I were in that situation, I'd file the papers and ask that he does not come back.

I do not remember if you two own a home together or not, but the situation you are in is just horrible. I'd run for the hills myself.

I know there are others here that can give good advice to you as to what you need to do.

I know my thoughts are with you. I, again, am so sorry you have been going through this for four years. No way I could have stayed that long knowing what was going on...

Good luck to you. Best wishes. Get your life started NOW. File and move on.

Cheers,
LL

Definately get out of the marriage. If you stay, you will just go through this over and over again. You deserve so much better.

This is a marriage builders website. Seperation and all kinds of things can happen to make a marriage as God intended, but it is supremely sad to see people saying "get out now".

Go ahead, get out, but seperate, not divorce. Marriage is not what the world today says it is. It isnt throw away, it isnt
about happy happy happy. If you are in danger, run away, if you must , seperate, but do not file a unilateral divorce.

Read the posts here by people who were served as surprise and the misery and pain. Ask yourselves if you'd do that to an animal.

Shame on you all for that advice.

Bad advice to divorce...separate, not divorce.Shame on anyone who says get out of a marriage on a marriage builders site.
Unilateral divorce is wrong, pain one would not inflict on an animal...unesxpectedly sending papers like that...no,

if you are in danger run away, but divorcing is a bad bad idea and nothing good can come from it.

Shame on anyone who suggests a person stay bond to someone who is an abuser. And definitely, shame for implying that the safe course of having divorce papers delivered when she's not around. When the victim tries to leave is the most dangerous time. If Tania told her husband she was divorcing him or leaving him, she would be in grave danger.

This site is about building marriages, not about building prisons. If BOTH spouses aren't willing to keep their spouse safe, to provide emotional support and meet needs, that union is not a marriage. It is a housing contract, a prison, or a financial arrangement. Maintaining those at all costs is not what Dr Harley, or Steve or Jen are about.

I disagree with you DC. This woman is in danger of her life if she stays. She deserves to have a good life away from this man. One where she can thrive in a healthy relationship. If she were to get separated, she would not be given the chance to have that. And, that my friend, is completely unfair.

GG - I have a quick question with your one sentence "And definitely, shame for implying that the safe course of having divorce papers delivered when she's not around."

I'm just confused in reading it. It sounds like you're saying she should be around when the papers are delivered. Is this correct? If so, I'm not totally in agreement with that either.

I agree with you that she is in grave danger if she tells him she wants a divorce - and that would go doubly so (for me at least in my thinking) if she was there when he was served.

Just trying to get that straight in my head.

LL

Sorry LL, I meant that DC shouldn't have implied she should stay around when the papers are delivered.

No worries! I thought that's what you meant, just wanted to make sure I wasn't going crazy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I would urge something in the middle.

First, get out and get out now, I'm in total agreement there..., your safety is first.

The next steps however should be taken in care and prayer. Time passing is a good thing. It will take some time to heal and probably a lot more than you realize. When you think you are ready to be with another man in a serious commitment, you are probably only approaching the half point in the healing.

And if you rush into another relationship or even take your time into it, you may carry pain and baggage into it that will poison it unintentionally.

Get out and get out now and spend some time really getting to know and getting close to Jesus. Let Jesus show you the next steps. He is big enough to turn abusers around and to make them into great husbands, but I think it's rare that an abuser does so (remember that we all have free will). An abundance of caution and time and God's discernment will show you if that is the case.

Whether the longer journey holds being single or a new great husband or a great new version of your old husband can only be determined in prayer and time. And anything outside of that is likely to result in disaster.

Curious to know how long you have been married..? Either way, I would say YES, it is perfectly normal to have mixed emotions about divorce *IF* you have a conscience--which it seems you do.


How could you know that for SURE if you have mixed emotions?


What specifically makes you think God has something BETTER in store for you other than the original man he brought into your life? God doesn't make mistakes. He is perfect. His plan is flawless. There is a reason you married your husband, and short of him being a social deviant or abusive, you made a covenant with God to see your marriage through til death do you two part... right?


I think in order to understand how your feelings have changed towards your husband, you must FIRST have a personal definition of what LOVE actually is. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 teaches us:

"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in injustice, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures ALL things."

Hence, love is COMMITMENT, not feelings, emotions, or personal gratification. You have heard the phrase LOVE IS A VERB, right? That means LOVE is an ACT. An ACTion. To LOVE is to GIVE, not receive. God told us if we love unconditionally, we will be returned that love ten fold. The hardest thing to do in a marriage is to give love unconditionally, even when our spouses are not immediately returning it. I HIGHLY recommend you (and your husband) read The Five Love Languages. There is SO much more to marriage than we have been taught.


So you he has wronged you, and now you want to reciprocate by wronging him in return? As Paul wrote in Corinthians: "LOVE does not keep a rcord of being wronged."


Define happiness. You yourself said your dream was to be "a wife and share the rest of [your] life with [your] husband" ? What happened to that dream? Marriages are like gardens. If you don't nurture them every day the garden disappears and is replaced with weeds. I understand your husband has been less than stellar, but what have YOU done to nurture your marriage, grow closer to God, and set a Godly example for your husband to follow?


Your husband has been "enticed and dragged away" and his mind is removed from what is RIGHT at this time. By NO means does that mean his mind can't be CHANGED.. and the two of you can't have children.. and have that DREAM you both shared at one time. But your relationship needs God to grow to that level of mutual joy and peace. Marriage does not take "two".. it takes "three". Do you and your husband go to church together? Have you seen a pastor? Had counseling? Is your husband willing to go to counseling? Have you told him how much that would mean to you? You both should read The Purpose Driven Life. That book propped my eyes open wider than I ever dreamed they could be propped open <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


No way.


God is talking to you. In your mind is a war raging between doing what is right (God speaking) and doing what is wrong (your sinful nature speaking). Listen to the Holy Spirit. ALWAYS DO THE RIGHT THING. Divorce is not right in situations like yours. Have you read Every Woman's Marriage?


Don't divorce him. Pray about it and work with God so God can sort it out. He won't let you down. Love NEVER FAILS. But you have to FULLY *trust* him first.


Get some distance between you and him right now. Find yourself through God. Grow your relationship with God and lean on him in your hour of need and let him resolve all of this for you.

Do NOT give up on GOD. He WANTS your marriage together, And he WANTS his child, your husband, OUT of sin.

OWF

Quoting:
Hence, love is COMMITMENT, not feelings, emotions, or personal gratification. You have heard the phrase LOVE IS A VERB, right? That means LOVE is an ACT. An ACTion. To LOVE is to GIVE, not receive. God told us if we love unconditionally, we will be returned that love ten fold. The hardest thing to do in a marriage is to give love unconditionally, even when our spouses are not immediately returning it. I HIGHLY recommend you (and your husband) read The Five Love Languages. There is SO much more to marriage than we have been taught.


First off, the "in love" feeling, romantic love is a feeling. It is a reaction to stimulous. It is a feeling that even has roots in chemical change.

Caring love, in other words, avoiding LBs and meeting ENs is an action, a verb and a commitment. You can do this out the whazoo and still not get that "in love" feeling. The reason you can "do love" and be miserable in your marriage is that the pleasurable feeling of being in love is a feeling in reaction to the way your spouse treats you. It's also why some really wonderful people can be in love with creeps. The creeps treat them well.


Second, Tania is in an abusive relationship. Some supernatural being may want people to stay married to abusers, but I do not believe the Prince of Peace does.

This is not a situation where a spouse is using the word "abuse" to cover disrespectful judgments or being ignored. There has been physical abuse.

I was responding to a post where physical abuse was not mentioned. Had I known he was beating her up, I would have said RUN!