Hey Charlotte,

You aren't in Plan-B yet are you? If not, then I'd contact him and let him know about the affadavit that he needs to sign...

Use this as an opportunity to let him know that you still care for him and that your door is open as long has he ends the A.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Hi RIF,

No, I'm not in Plan B yet. That's a good idea, though. I thought I'd have to be all business when I contact him. I'll have to rehearse what I'm going to say, I think. And prepare myself for anything rude or nasty that might come out of his mouth.

Earlier after I posted the last post, the phone rang. Wasn't him, though. Just a bill collector. Woulda been funny and cool if it had been him, though.

And another thing, RIF...

I could be a real b**** and hang on to that affadavit just for some petty revenge for all the hurt H has piled upon me.

But Charlotte doesn't do petty revenge. Never have. Maybe this will make H *think!!!!* a little. I can always hope, I guess.

That's good... because that would definitely be a huge LB!

I would say though, when you call him and let him know about the paper, don't have any pre-concieved notions about what he will say or think. Do it because it's the right thing to do and not because you "want him to come back"... if that makes sense.

Well, it's getting late over here... I hope you have a great weekend! I'll catch you later on the Night-Shift...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Hi RIF!

Thank you! I hope your weekend is going well, too. Get some good rest!

The only pre-conceived notion I have about talking to H about the affidavit is that he will probably be cold to me. I'm not trying to look for any other reaction although a small part of me hopes for more.

This is the wierdest thing...or not?

I lit a candle in honor of our marriage yesterday. It is STILL burning. The flame is very small but it's there. I thought it had gone out during the night but when I walked by earlier I smelled warm wax and sure enough...there it is!And we are talking about a votive candle here and not one of the big, tall ones.

Message from above....

And there would be nothing loving about that. Charlotte, take every opportunity to show the carrot. My FWH was also fighting a DWI while he was with his second OW. Guess who went to court with him? Me. Everyone said I was a fool but I did it to show him that "I" was the one who cared for him when the rubber hit the road. It didn't bring him back right then but later he told me that it meant a lot to him to know that I was there for him when he was being such an [censored].

Stay in Plan A for a long as you can so he'll remember his loving Charlotte was there for him (doesn't mean you can't administer the stick when the need arises.) But this is a fantastic opportunity for you to Plan A.

C22,

Here's what you posted:
Orchid: This is a sign, he is regretting and checking his support sources. It is the WS speaking prompted by your H who can barely muster up the energy to let you know he is still alive. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Yep........ so how you responded was fine. It let the WS side of him know you choose NOT t/b friends with a WS and send a silent signal to your real H that you still have the strong principals you need for him to return.

Did you realize you had that ability? You do. There's more you have in your arsenal against the A and the WS.

As your mind and heart get ready to enter plan B you will not worry about losing, you will concentrate on surviving and moving forward.

This in turn will leave the shining path for your H to return while killing the WS. How? The WS requires you to enable their WS attitude and A, even if it is with your anger.

So identify your personal and M boundaries, implement them. This will prepare you for a solid plan B. In fact, depending on your boundaries you will even be able to handle contact on necessary issues but on YOUR terms NOT the WS'. That is a BIG blow to the WS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Hi princess meggy!

Thanks. Yeah, the last time H had to go to court I was going to go but he talked to our lawyer and found out the case would be delayed again. That was the week before he had
to appear.

Then the night before his appearance, out of the blue he starts telling me if I'm going to go that we will go together in our car and we'd better leave earlier than last time because it was so busy there.

He tried to put it off on me but I hadn't said peep one about it since the week before. He wanted me to go. He just wouldn't come right out and say it. So I went.

I guess he'll be going alone next time. He knows how OW feels about court, jail, criminal cases, criminal records, etc. We finally got a copy of his arrest the last time we went and he didn't take it to work to show anyone, especially her. He left it with me so I could review it.

Nope, no dirty laundry aired for the OW.

He probably has her convinced he's going to get out of this because of a doctor's note. He hasn't been forthcoming with our lawyer about pertinent information though I have told him numerous times that he needs to come clean with our lawyer.

Also, I could have sabotaged the crap out of him a few months ago. He forgot about a document that needed to be returned to the court. I thought he'd taken care of it. I found it the day before it was due.

Yeah, I thought about it. But I couldn't do it. Even though it would have put a big crimp in the affair right then. So I sent it Overnight Express and he didn't get picked up by the police yet again. You're welcome, H.

I'm not sure how to go about Plan A except for appearance and demeanor. As for letting him know the door is still open when the A ends...I'm not quite sure how to word it yet.

P.S.) Oh yeah, and shame on me for mispelling "affidavit" so many times! I was in a hurry and didn't proof read! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Hi Orchid!

Thank you! No, I didn't realize I had that ability. I hope I can utilize it again, though. If I can figure out how.

That little exchange made a big impression on me and your words made me understand the "why" much, much better and clearer.

That I was actually able to reach him is a great thing. I am constantly dealing with what if? What if? And when I think about the situation I forget that I am important and I was important to him for a long, long time.

I have to keep that at the forefront so any negativity can't eel it's way in.

I had a thought on the way back over here re: H and Plan B. I am hearing my mind say...to heck with it, you are going to go into Plan B and you will not worry about him and what he's doing let him wallow in the sty...he's going to get tired of being muddy sooner or later.

Well, something to that effect. So I guess my mind is working on Plan B even when I'm not really thinking about it.

I am just wondering:

How does a WS ever discern between the truth and the lies he or she has made up about a BS in order to make it okay to have an affair?

Is it because of the foggy thinking they are in, but in their hearts they know the real truth and it eventually comes out to them during moments of clarity?

How often do WS's even HAVE moments of clarity?

Do WS's miss their spouses at all or are they too caught up with the OW or OM?

Thank you for your input.

Hey Charlotte!

That's pretty cool about the candle... but I think that your M is still "alive" because YOU are doing a great job in fighting for it...

I'm here and will be around all day today... I hope you get some sleep, but if you can't, I'll be here!

Semper Fi,

RIF

Mrs. RIF never left home... she was able to compartmentalize her A's and her M and keep them separate. She has since told me that she always knew that what she was doing was wrong but the "thrill" and the "attention" were just too great for her to stop....

My situation was very different from yours...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Well Charlotte, you have to lie to yourself in order to have an affair...It's the most bizarre thing...Things are compartmentalized a lot...You have to make the BS the enemy in order to get your fix...Pretty tough to say to yourself, "Wow, BS is just so wonderful, but right now I'm really selfish and want this huge ego boost so the heck with them!" No, that's not what happens at all...You have to tell yourself your BS is just the worst thing in the world-you magnify the tiniest of things that they have ever done wrong...and you need reassurance of how "horrible" they are, so you say terrible things about the BS to the OP so that the OP will back you and make you feel like what you are doing is so right...And they tell you crap like "Oh poor you, how could you have put up with that?" OMG, it's just so sick, twisted and wrong...

I remember an almost comical story from that time-strange to find humor in any of it for sure, but it illustrates what happens when the WS is faced with the actual truth, so I'll tell it...Ok, I went to Atlanta for 2 weeks to see OM-ugh-Anyway, one night I went to have dinner with my mom, who did not yet know that I was having an affair...She got in the passenger seat of my car, pulled down the sunvisor to look in the mirror and apply her lipstick...Imagine her surprise, (and mine), when she came across a post it note that Mr. W had put there (in hopes that OM would be the one to find it) that said [censored]...Um, well, I had a REAL tough time explaining that one...My mom knew that we were having trouble, and at that point she kept pressing me about what was so horrible about Mr. W...I would LOVE to have a video of what I must have looked like trying to explain it to her, because I could not tell her the same lies I told OM, because she KNOWS Mr. W...So I sputtered and hemmed and hawed...I really couldn't come up with SQUAT that was wrong with him...I looked like the total fool that I was...It put me further into internal conflict...Not to mention that Mr. W had sent me the most beautiful roses in the world while I was down there, and was sweet as sugar on the phone...The fantasy was crumbling...It began to fall apart from the moment Mr. W knew and continued rapidly downhill from there...

Moments of clarity do come-sorta-hard to explain what a WS moment of clarity looks like-it's a lot of torment for good thoughts of your BS to cross your mind-because look at what you are doing to them, yanno? You do miss your spouse...It's a very painful and confusing time...WSs exist in almost constant turmoil and conflict-or at least I did...Charlotte, I couldn't even pray-I had to push thoughts of God far from my mind...I had to escape back to the fantasy anytime thoughts of truth and reality came in...And when that didn't work, I escaped by abusing Xanax...It was a horrible dark time...

Don't know if anything I said helps you or not, I hope so...Feel free to ask me anything you'd like...

Mrs. W

Hi RIF!!

Yeah, I thought that was the neatest thing and a message also. I lit 2 candles tonight...one is a votive and one is heart shaped. I put our wedding picture in between. (I'm trying not to look at it though!)

Now I'm in the kitchen pouring more candles. I want to make some more for me and H but also for Melody. She LOVES candles! I hope I can do a good job of it for her. I don't want to make any faulty candles!!

I might be up for quite a while. Thanks for checking in!!

Thank you for saying that our M is still alive because I am fighting for it. I am trying not to get discouraged but as you know it's not always easy!

Charlotte

Oh, Thank you Mrs. W!!!!

That was so funny about the post-it note that I am here by myself laughing out loud! Good thing it's cold and wet and the neighbors aren't out in their backyard!!

That was SO funny! I can see the video in my mind!

My H was never so uncaring, mean and cruel as he is since the A...I know a lot of others experience the same.

It's so against his grain that I just don't see how it wouldn't affect him. Since you've told me of your experiences with your A, I can see that it DOES affect him and it should.

I know the guilt was really getting to him in the last few weeks before exposure. I think the real H (Jonesy) was trying to send Mr. Gray a message.

I hope that this still continues. I'm sure that his anger will carry Mr. Gray for a while so I'm trying not to get too discouraged when I don't hear from him. And I know he got my last email...he was online today. I didn't stick around in IM long...I was just checking messages. (And, okay, checking to see if he was on!)

I know he can't erase our history no matter how hard he tries to rewrite it because our relationship was never as bad as he wrote to OW. Melody can tell you how bad they trashed me, she's seen the chat logs.

I try not to think about it. I was always struck, though, when H had to lie to OW to get his ego stroked. And thanks to OWH I know that OW lied to H as well.

We both told our respective S's about the inconsistent stories. OW of course, did not want to believe OWH when he told her of H's other marriage and the A that ended it.

She's probably thinking about that. She's not dumb, just a b*tch.

I was thinking about OWH a lot, earlier. I am really worried about him. I think this is going to put him in the hospital. He was SO pale and weak looking the other day at the hearing. I feel so bad for him.

How can his wife not notice this? There's just NO way! She can ignore it all she likes. She KNOWS him and knows about his illness. Geez, how much more is she gonna put this poor guy through?

Well, sorry this was so long. I really appreciate your input. I am trying to mentally prepare for Plan B but I can't help thinking about H and where he is, what he is doing and if he is thinking about us.

I watched a movie tonight that H would have liked. "Mr. Brooks" with Kevin Costner. It was pretty good, too. I really got into it so much that I didn't think about our situation much at all. Except to wish he was here watching it with me.

I'm probably going to send him an email and tell him I saw it and I think he'd enjoy it and also tell him about the heater in the bathroom that keeps throwing the safety switch. He was going to fix this but I always told him I didn't want "H Toast" so it never was fixed.

It does need to be fixed now and I will spend the night worrying about electrical fires because that is how my mom's house burned down.

Thanks again!

Love,

Charlotte

Oh man Charlotte, I hope you will get that heater fixed SOON...Fire is my greatest fear...And mind you I have caught TWO toaster ovens on fire in the past few months...Both times I was cooking a hotdog without the pan...Yes, I know, DUH...They just taste so good when they have the little grill looking marks on them! LOL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> The first time, luckily we had a fire extinguisher handy, although I hadn't a clue how to work it and our 7 year old dd (at the time-she's 8 now!) had to shout directives at me, because I was jumping up and down and screaming that I didn't know what in the heck to do...All while she is opening the front and back doors and fanning the fire alarm so it will shut up...THANK GOD for her...The second time, which was a couple of weeks ago, since I hadn't replaced the fire extinguisher yet-another DUH-all I had was a cold cup of coffee that was sitting next to the toaster oven, so I threw that on there and luckily it worked...Yeah, I'm quite the chef! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Oh yeah and I thought of a funny and seriously RIDICULOUS thing that I said about Mr. W during my affair...I told OM that he used "Grandma Toothpaste" and that it bugged the crap outta me...HUH??? Talk about digging at the bottom of the barrel for things wrong...That takes the cake, eh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I was such a nimrod!!!

Just thought I'd try and give you a little comic relief! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

Oh yeah, "grandma toothpaste" was referring to the brand of toothpaste...Which was/is Pepsodent, btw...Turns out, the stuff tastes pretty good and works well! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

Pepsodent does taste good!

I totally agree with you about the hot dogs. I can't eat hot dogs with boiled weiners at all anymore. I don't know what I'll do when I get to visit NY and want to buy a hot dog from a street vendor!

H is spoiled that way, too. Weiners/franks must be broiled in the oven or even fried in a little butter on the stove or it ain't happenin'!

That was a great story and I agree with you about fire. When I was around 19 and dating this biker guy (he didn't look the part at all, though!) we were at Mom's and all of a sudden the lights started going out in each room. With an electrical buzzing sound. Next thing we knew we smelled smoke.

I jumped up and checked the attic, (one of those doors that pull down with a ladder.) FIRE!! I screamed and woke everyone up and they got out while I ran for the hose. It was the craziest thing...I kinked the hose before I carried it inside so the floor wouldn't get wet! Duh! It was going to get wet anyway! So I sprayed the fire until the firemen got there. Good thing for me the electricity was out or I would have been one toasty critter!

We made it through that one but the 2nd one was way worse. It happened about a week after I'd had the worst fight with my sister EVER! We helped my bro move to SF, CA and we drove there via Colorado. We didn't want him to drive alone. My sister developed road psychosis and she almost killed us at least once, maybe twice. So I wasn't speaking to her at that time.

H and I were sleeping when there's pounding on our door. We didn't make it to the door in time so the next thing we know the phone rings and it's Mom telling us that the house burned down. I sprang into action and rushed outside to leave. I could smell it on the air then.

I drove over as fast as I could not wanting to see the awful remains. The house was still standing but it was very nearly entirely gutted. Only the living room and my old room looked okay and they were still singed very badly.

It was easily one of the worst things that ever happened to me personally, that is, until the A. I never thought anything would surpass losing my childhood home, other than the loss of very close relatives.

We were going to try and rebuild but circumstances didn't allow it. The house was finally taken down this year, not too long before H's A, in fact.

I'll be contacting H about this ASAP. The last thing I want is having to call him in the middle of the night and tell him our house burned down. (He might think I did it anyway, with that WS mindset.)

Buy more extinguishers, Mrs. W!! One for each room!

P.S.) Do you like your hotdogs with chili when you make them at home or just plain? We always go with chili unless they are grilled outside. Then all ya' need is a little mustard and they are Grrrrrrrrrreat!!!

Wow, I go away a few days and the thread expands by 15%.

Plan B is a hard thing. However sometimes people are too stupid to recognize what they are throwing away until they look up and realize that it's gone.

It sucks that these same idiots don't seem to realize that they are robbing us of the pleasure of showing true love not to mention the fact they don't have the ability to realize what damage they are doing to our psyche and self-esteem.

Sounds like you're doing a great job and it sounds like your H is quite lost but your leaving the crumbs back to the M.

Just remember should you Plan B it's for you to get you back. Just like you I want the love of my life back, but remember you want the person you fell in love with not the mutated alien.

Hey Charlotte!

My TX watch says its 0221 in the morning... I just wanted to check in and see if you were having problems sleeping...

Semper Fi,

RIF