Lil,
Wow, I remember that hurt so well...I remember seeing my WH hold his palms out even, and felt like I was in his hands, all of me, being compared to OW.
Crushing.
There isn't a thing wrong with you, Lil. You're buying into his fog and that's an unhealthy choice.
You are his real wife...you are real. She is fantasy. There is no comparison, 'k? He loves his feelings around her...not her. Up to you to set that in your mind...I bought into WH's stuff so much at the moment I just described I heard him say, "It's first love" and thought he meant she was his first love.
He meant infatuation.
Do you know the formula for the fog? Gimble said it's the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.
You can't control his fog...what you can do is break down those ingredients and see them in yourself...when you've felt entitled, fueled by resentment and not respect your real H as separate and equal to yourself.
This helped me to understand how inside out WH's thinking was, to not take his words as The Truth...just his truth...resulting from him, about him and to him.
Not me.
This led me to understand I cannot control my H's resentment...by looking at my own...which builds up, covers over loving feelings, with time of knowing and living in our marriage. Helped me to see where I was defining myself as lovable because I chose to believe my DH loved me...made me lovable.
Quashed that one. Left me with the reality I have the choice what I believe...that even my WH loved me. That was being said, as well.
Focus on reality, and bring it, Lil. Read and study the threads here on Plan A...put a hopper on your head so his words go in that, not straight into your brain...so you can separate his truth from The Truth (which are actions).
And know your own stuff, separate from him. She cannot be your equal for you are his wife...you are you. You are in a real marriage with him. He can certainly be believing something else right now...you KNOW reality, don't give into the fog, 'k?
My DH is grateful today that I did Plan A, worked on myself, changed my stuff...so his fog cracked apart and he could see his stuff differently, all the ways he lied to himself, hence, to me. We have a marriage I didn't even dream of now, Lil.
Do not take him back home without any conditions...because you do not want him home, continuing his affair, hearing him talking to her on the phone, leaving for dates...doing all that he may in the open.
Won't be as you imagine if you don't own your own choices, 'k?
My WH agreed to go to marital counseling (MC), not to save our marriage, for he was in his A. He agreed to go to decide whether to leave for OW, leave for himself, or stay and work on the marriage. I went to save my marriage. Two different goals.
First thing our MC asked...why each of us was there. Began the separate and equal process to break our enmeshment.
Then we negotiated for his return home within a month...not that he'd decided yet (he was taking three months, he said); and I could choose to say no. I said yes. So I'm not telling you anything from guesswork, 'k?
Please find an MC who embraces Harley's ideas, knows of his work...or call the Harley's directly for counseling.
That you believe there's something wrong with you will sabotage ending the affair and any recovery you may get to...that's yours. Not his. Did you expose his A? Are you doing the listen and repeat? Are you following Plan A?
LA
