OK BUT..... IMO the time to fight this battle is NOT NOW.

It really isn't important. She's coming down from her high and withdrawing from her OM.

Do you really think your small community doesn't already KNOW if that woman was an enabler?

Who do you think isn't coming up looking sweet right now? (hint: your wife)

I do urge you to suck it up at the moment.

Eventually, I told my wife the enablers of her affair had to go as friends and that she was not to have any contact with them - but I could never have done this 2 weeks after d-day.

BigK, thanks again for the counsel. You're right as with
previous advice that has proven true. I've got bigger fish to fry than worrying about WH's enabling friends and the OM's SO. In the end what, I need to concern myself with is progress on recovery.

So the good news! WW says she is committed to keeping our M alive. She has agreed to NC and since they're thousands of miles apart there is a better than normal chance she will keep her word this time. She is struggling with honesty but I guess that is to expected after years of lying and hiding lots of things besides the most recent A. We had a very intersting conversation last night about what we really think and I thought it was helpful as several issues are now out in the open where we can work on them with Steve Harley. She has started inquiring about how I am feeling and how I am dealing with feelings. She is afraid of the future but I keep trying to reassure her that the future is bright if we stay on the recovery path. I hope she believes me

Fatigue is really starting to kick in after so many sleepless nights. I almost drove off the road on my way to work. When should I start feeling less unraveled?

Hey Hurt,

Thanks for the update! One of Mrs. RIF's biggest fears during our early rebuilding was the fact that I might 'dump' her and leave the M. Like you I kept reassuring her that I was committed to rebuilding our M. I'm not sure what the "correct" MB answer is, so you might ask Steve for some guidance when you talk with him. I did let Mrs. RIF know that if she chose to have another A, that I would NOT go through this again.


Every situation is unique, so I can't really say how much longer you'll feel this way. For me, after Mrs. RIF confessed her A's, I didn't have to worry about NC because all of the A's happened at least 10 years in the past and I knew that she hadn't been in contact. I would guess that after a couple of months of solid NC, and your W giving you access to her computer passwords, cell phone records, and accountability with her time, that you will start to relax a little.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Thanks, RIF
This is all pretty fresh and raw for me. I have a hard time not thinking about her with OM all the time. Now that I know that she has kept all these secrets from me for so long (and I'm sure she has still not confessed all, not just the A, but other parts of her secret, independent life), I just keep wondering if it is all worth it. The one thing all this has made me see is that I was a fool for letting her treat me with such contempt for so long. We still have all of our other M issues to deal with and I don't know if I am strong enough to bear all the hurt through recovery.

I guess this issue is one more thing to discuss with the good Dr. Harley.

If you follow the program, you will find trust is being rebuilt and you will be less unravelled.

When my wife first came home I was pretty manic - making lists of things that had to happen - how we would recover. Then we found MB and it helped so much being educated and seeing a PROGRAM and seeing that our feelings were normal.

In time, as we started to reconnect, I started feeling more secure and far less manic and I was able to start relaxing a little. But it was a few months and is largely dependent on how well you both are reconnecting.

Thanks again BigK and RIF. I imagine I'll go crazy trying to foretell what the future will bring. I guess I'll have to lower my unrealistic recovery expectations and just begin to let the events unfold.

I think WS is sarting to pick-up on some of the principles of MB. She's called me twice in the past two days to discuss decisions which in the past she would have "informed" me about after having made her decision. This is new and feels good. We are both working on anger management and thouthtless comments. She still continues to use the pronoun "I" a lot as in "I think you ought..." but it took many days to build Rome. I think we are beginning to make progress.

Again, thanks for the support.

Hey Hurt,

You're doing great! Rebuilding takes time and the communications skills that you are learning take a while to learn. Eventually, you will both get to where what you're both learning will become second nature...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Well, now we have another crisis. Our son, who suffers from anxiety disorder, was supposed to be recovered from his illness well enough to function on his own so that my wife could return to be with me in our home here in the ME while he continued with school. Since WW and I have been so wound up in our own R problems, we were not paying very close attention to DS. It now turns out that immediately after my wife left him two weeks ago, he quit attending his classes. The problem now is if WW returns to be with him again, she would be about 100 feet away from OM who she is just beginning to withdraw from. I'm thinking that it wouldn't be a good deal for WW to return to the U.S. right now but our son is floundering again. Ideas anyone?

Another issue is that WW says I'm smothering her with too much affection and too many sexual demands. She has asked me to back off until she starts to feel something for me again. I intend to honor her request. Is this the right move? It is hard for us to date and sleep together without me desiring her. I am probably pushing things too fast, too hard which is my nature. Does this sound right? Our lives are still complicated by the fact that I am still working in a remote area but have arranged to only be away from home two nights per week.

Can it get more complicated?

You most probably are pushing too hard.

She cannot return.

What are your other options?

Hi Hurt,

How old is your son? Is there any other family member that could care for him? This next question isn't ment as an insult, but did the school actually call YOU and let you know that your son is having problems?

The reason I ask is because your W might be using this as an excuse to go back to the OM... when NC is in place, WS will go to extreem lengths to get back together... not trying to scare you, but for now, you should verify anything that your W says to you...

It's normal for a BH to want to speed up the SF... at least it was for me. Try to take things slow...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Co-Signed

I think pushing the SF is normal for men especially. I know I pushed it before D-day. For me, it was because it was the only time my WW let me close to her, the only time I felt any connection. I think she allowed sex because at least then we weren't talking.

I agree with the others that allowing your W to go back there alone is a very bad idea and should be avoided at all costs. Can you take a leave of absense from your job? I know that sounds extreme but it might serve several purposes. Allow you both to go care for your son, and give you both a chance to get away together and reconnect.

It also sounds like your job overseas might not really suit your W. You should probably talk to her about that. Maybe its time for alot of changes?

Thanks all for advice and replies. I agree there is no way that WW can return to the love nest. Our DS (almost 22) is taking care of himself physically so we are not too worried about him harming himself. Hopefully, he will start school again today and see what he can salvage from the semester. This isn't the first time he has quit school which is one of the sources of his anxiety. He dropped under our radar since we have spent the last two weeks dealing with our M issues.

I am going to give WS some space and see how it goes.

Thinking about our marriage, I realize how unhealthy the periods of lengthy separation have been. Since June of '06 we have only spent four months together, and for two of those months, I was working remote meaning gone four nights per week. In hindsight, I guess it's a miracle one of us didn't stray sooner. Both of us sufferred from loneliness even though we spoke on the phone to each other almost every day we were apart. Here is something further I need to relate that just happened.

I went on a trip by myself in October for a week with a group of friends from here. (I know, I should have gone to the U.S. to be with WW). While on the trip, the wife of a friend came on to me in a big way and although I was tempted, I resisted her advances. I just told WW about this last night, I'm not a 100% sure why but I thought I was just clearing the air and maybe my conscience. She took this revelation as attempt by me to punish her but I'm having a hard time understanding how this could be the case. I honestly thought I had mentioned it to her previously, but I guess now not. She is treating it like an LB but I thought she would be happy I didn't have an A. Was this stupid or what?

What she is hearing is "see, I had an opportunity to have an A and DIDN'T, whereas you on the other hand. . ."

I had a similar discussion with my W not very long ago, so I'm fairly certain that's what it is.

I think you are correct, lengthy separations aren't conducive to a strong marriage. I can see how sometimes they may be necessary, but setting your life up so that they are frequent and continuous is just asking for trouble imo. Glad to see you're investigating causes and seeking solutions, keep at it!

So now the doldrums begin. I don't know what she is thinking and she "doesn't want to talk about it all the time". I'm thinking what is there that is more important to think or talk about. She doesn't want me to touch her and she grudgingly submitted to my SF after a number of days. I don't believe she is making much of an effort to begin the R but she has only been away from OM for three weeks yesterday and exposure was two weeks ago. Still no NC letter or offer of one but she says there has been NC. WW is very crititcal of me without realizing it.

As far as what I am feeling, I guess despondent would descibe it best. I don't see where we are going so far. I think she just wants to forget about what happened and go back to the way things were. That won't work for me. She also seems to be willing to let me do the heavy lifting in the relationship building efforts but there is nothing new there.

Is this normal? Steve Harley seems to be concentrating on her with extra assignments and consultations which she won't discuss with me even in a general way. I'm not sure how that part of the process is going or what the roadmap is.

I would welcome anyone's comments if you have been through this as either WS or BS.

Hi Hurt!

Yep, the situation that you've described is fairly typical...

My best advice for you is to let Steve continue working with your W and for you to try and work on yourself. I know how frustrating this is... but for now, if you can back off a bit and give Steve some time, I think you'll see a big difference.

The GOOD news is that your W is working with Steve... Many WS refuse to even work on the M or go to MC... that's a HUGE plus in your favor.

Be patient... vent here if you must, but try not to LB and 'demand' things from your W right now... it will pay off for you in the long run if you can do this...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Thanks again RIF,

I guess I'm in a funk, just fraught with self-doubt and lost confidence. Not much in my life has prepared me for what we are going through now. When I apply a little introspection, I can see what is good and working and when I'm screwing-up. The other night when I was reviewing her cell phone records, and determined that she arranged a date with the OM for the same evening after she dropped me off at the airport to return here back in August was a very low point. But as I pointed-out to her, I'll get over it. It's just so overwhelming at times so I'm trying not to think about it so much and dwell on what occurred.

I appreciate that she is paticipating in MC, she seems a little slow in getting through the books but maybe she is just a little unfocused. She did mention that it is was only two weeks for her since the E and that she is feeling a little ooverwhelmed. She did discuss with me what Steve Harley is asking her to do a bit and that helped. We had a pleasant day yesterday together, had a nice dinner and she said she was feeling more warmly toward me which was good. I'm not quite sure what to expect so any predictions of both our expected behaviors from this point on would be welcome.

Hey Hurt,

The feelings that you're describing are completely normal... painful, but normal. I can assure you that if you guys keep working with Steve that you will eventually work through these issues and the pain won't be nearly as sharp as it is now.

I'm glad that your W shared some of what she's discussing with Steve... that's a good thing.

For now, the best thing that you can do is to try and control your emotions and anger... talk with Steve about some ways to deal with your anger so that you don't direct it all towards your W.

The first couple of months are hard... but you can do it... you guys are working with the best so listen to what Steve is telling you and follow his guidance to the letter.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Once more RIF, thanks for the encouragement and thanks to everyone else who has responded to my posts.

Is there something I can read or do that may help me with dealing with the feelings I am having? It surely can't be healthy going through what I am going through. I surely could use some relief from the adrenaline surges and lack of sleep I have been experiencing over the last few weeks. The only good effect of the A so far is that I am shedding weight at a prodiguous rate which is not necesssarily a bad thing. Until a couple of days ago, I had very little interest in eating.

Also what about WW? I think she may be eating too much in response to her troubles. She has had eating disorders for years and I believe stress brings out the worst in her struggles to cope with overeating.