We never fought. We realy don't have any practice at it. Whe she get mad she starts yelling dumb things that don't make sense. I am sometimes stuck on what to say. This is all new to us. I hate were we are at. Its very uncomfortalbe. I hope her fog is lifted soon.

Awesome post, Marsh!

sonny, like Marsh suggested, just go home. Tell her "honey, I am home. this is where I belong and this is where I will live." SMILE

Tell her this:

"hello honey, I am home! I belong here and intend to stay." That is all you need to say. If she yells dumb things at you, then smile and go into your room and unpack. Pat her on the head and wish her well if she follows you. <SMILE>

The thing is, there is no need for you to think 'fast on your feet' when dealing w/ a crazed wayward.

B/c there is no use in reasoning w/ her.

No use pleading w/ her to understand your POV.

No use trying to educate her about how much this is hurting you or the children.

She is numb to it all. Numb to reasoning. Numb to understanding reality. Numb to your feelings or your children's feelings.

If you can accept this, you'll do fine.

..Accept that she's going to be ugly angry!

Remind yourself that her feelings are HER feelings, and that YOU are not responsible for them, no matter what she says or does.

Do not let her anger stop you from what you need to do.

You have a plan.

Work it, knowing that you are doing the right thing...fighting to save your family.

~ Marsh

When you go home...it's likely best to just go there to see your kids and move your bags in unannounced. Then just stay.

Also...I mentioned a recording device (voice activated digital recorder with fresh batteries) in your pocket.

This is to protect you. IF she starts yelling and screaming and threatening to call the cops...start recording immediately. She will MOST DEFINITELY incriminate herself between the time the cops come and the time she called them. YOU remain calm.

Wayward wives have been known to hit and scratch themselves or attack YOU to try to build a case for a restraining order. You may not want your kids around but she may be less likely to do so in front of them (or at least she'll look horrible to any judge for faking a claim and her ranting in front of them IF you've got her on tape).

Again...NO FOREWARNING. Just move in...immediately.

Then...expose.

btw...OM's position (as you stated in your email) should be substantially susceptible to exposure beyond just administration. Maybe phase two.

Mr. Wondering

At what point will she be able to accept resoning and What needs to happen. What can I do to get there.

How will she get over her anger. How can I work on plan A if she pissed of.

I plan on being the nice husban. I will do my part in the house. I will keep shouwing her that I have changed for the better. I will try to keep myselfe occupied with the house and runing arrons. Is this a good plan. I will try to avoid negative intreactions when possiable.

You won't be able to reason w/ her until after the A is over, and she gets through w/drawals.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to speed this up.



You will get opportunities.




Yes, very good.

~ Marsh

My WW is absolutely furious with me, and she seems to get madder every day. I don't worry about it.

Things haven't worked out the way she thought they would. Instead happiness the affair has brought her misery, poverty, unemployment, huge legal bills, traumatized children, lost friends, a disaproving family, and public humiliation. Of course, she blames ME for all of those things. I was supposed to meekly agree to whatever she wanted. Because I'm fighting back and fighting for my family it's making things difficult for her. And that makes her mad.

I'm sure one day she will get over the anger and realize that SHE created the mess she's in. She is responsible. The person she should be mad at is herself.

Until then I just ignore her anger.

Do NOT worry about her getting mad at you. She's going to be mad at you for standing up for your marriage and your family. Either that or she's going to have absolutely no respect for you because you aren't fighting. There is NO WAY you stand a chance of fixing your marriage if she has no respect for you, so fight.

She found a new place to live so we wont be living together too long. Is plan A now void?

No.

You will still get opportunities to Plan A her when you drop off and pick up the children.

What happened? Did you move home?

~ Marsh

Before I could move in she told me that she found a place to live.

Should I still move in. Its seems pointless now. It will get her pissed off and I feel I won't be accoplishing anything. Will it?

Move in. She may be bluffing. But move in and see. Men should never leave the home if wife is straying.

Did you tell her you were going to move back in?

Yes, you most definitely should move in!

It is your home...the family home.

You are at a HUGE disadvantage by moving out. The courts will look at your moving out, as abandonment of your children!

You won't be able to save your M...save your family, if you are afraid to make her mad.

~ Marsh

Sonny,

Move home!

Do all that you can do to make life with you more attractive than with OM. This is the crux of Plan A. You have to do all that you can for her in the way of meeting her needs, but only as she allows it to happen. This is not to say that if she leaves you stop trying, only that you do what is possible in so far as she allows you to do it.

Have you exposed the affair yet?

You need to focus on saving the marriage, taking care of the kids and making sure you are making changes that she can see. You need to out affair OM as much as possible.

All of this assumes that you really want to fight for the marriage. If you are not certain that you are in this for the long haul, just call it a day and save yourself a lot of grief. But if you really want to save the marriage, Plan A...devise a specific plan...work the plan...continue the plan regardless of what she says or does...stick with the plan...

The whole idea of Plan A and Plan B is just that. They are specific things to be done that are not dependent on what the WS does. You do your part. What she does is irrelevant. You Plan A until your love is in danger of going the way of the dodo bird. Then you go to Plan B until the affair ends and she is willing to meet your requirements for reconciliation or two years after the ink is dry on the divorce decree.

What she says, what she does and where she lives has no bearing on what you do. Learn, plan and act instead of reacting and chasing your tail trying to figure out what to do after the fact. You have a slim chance of success, don't make it less by trying to make your actions dependent on hers. Do what you need to do and be the best you that you can be. At least that way your kids will have the best Dad they can have even if Mom turns out to be a disappointment.

Mark

move in anyway.

and

If and when she herself moves out do NOT concede custody of the kids. 50-50 in the minimum unless and until the courts order otherwise.

Read Jamesus thread. His wife moved out and told him he could have every other weekend "visitation". He accepted it to play nice not knowing she was in an affair and moving in with OM. Once he found out he should have demanded 50-50 at the very least and continued that until the court intervened. They tend to stick with the status quo in temporary hearings. His attorney told him to wait and fight it in court at the temp hearing. He lost 2 months later. Now he's got an uphill fight on his hands.

Don't concede custody. Find a way to take care of your kids 50% of the time at least. IF she won't agree this is what you tell her:

"Well since you won't agree to a reasonable custody arrangement then I am left with imposing a rather simple one until the courts can figure this out for us. From here on in...each day you keep the kids I will keep them for the same amount of days you did once you return them to me."

This way she's stuck. If she denies you ANY visitation you'll be able to nail her for parental alienation. She HAS to give you some visitation or lose. Then when you get the kids you just keep them the same number of days she did. She can yell and scream all she wants but you TRIED to be reasonable and negotiate a fair 50-50 arrangement with set times and dates but she wouldn't be reasonable.

You are NOT required to concede to her will.

Back to the original point. Being in the marital home is a good factor to have in the "best interest of the children test". Courts like to have the children stay in their own familiar homes and beds to the greatest extent possible. I sure hope you can afford to live there. Beg and borrow if you can to stay. It will really supplant your case if you can manage it. Plus...your kids need that stability in their lives. You can always move AFTER you win the temporary orders as the actual divorce will take time to be put through.

Mr. Wondering

Well I just moved back in to my house. I am just waiting for her to come home. I have no idea what is going to happen. We talked on the phone today. She tryed to justify her affair. She said she did not mean for this to happen. She still blames both BS for the affair. She tryed to make all BS and WW, WH friends at first. She said that we regected it.

I have another question... YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE... PLEASE DO NOT READ THE REST





Today in the mail I found a letter from her doc.. I was cuirous and I oppended it. It happens to be a referal to get UDI device. The last couple of years together we were using condoms. We were using condoms because she did not want to get the pill b/c hormones and these other divices just looked to intrusove. But now its okay. What should I do with this letter. Should I give it to her-- I don't want her to be pregnant. Or should I keep it, toss it. I know That she is now on the pill, I guess as a temparery thing.(the ******) What should I do? [color:"red"] [/color]

Great job moving back home. It's tough, but it had to be done.

Be careful opening her mail. If she wants to make legal trouble over that she might be able to.

She's going to have to get some kind of birth control Her OM is a selfish [censored] -- he wouldn't be going after married women if he weren't. It's not like he's going to take any kind of responsibility. She will bend over backwards to please him. Get used to finding out how she'll do all sorts of things for him that that she wouldn't do for you.

Right now she won't realize that if she had been even HALF as nice to you as she is to him she would have the best marriage in history.

Give her the letter if it looks like you didn't open it.

My WW ordered birth control pills over the internet. I know it's like a knife twisting in your gut. But it's better than her getting pregnant by a guy who will probably be long gone by the time the baby is born.

Hang in there.

Well I did open the mail. Should I still give it to her? I just can't believe how selfish is has become. She is doing things with this guy that she would not do with me, the irony. I am starting to feel disgusted by her. Is this good? Its like when ever I see her I see her as she is dirty... I wonder where she's been. And that messes up my head. How much longer can I keep this up. I sometimes feel like I am being humiliated and my "manhood" is at risk.

Sonny,

You need to develop a specific plan to deal with the affair. You can't control her. You only have control over yourself. You have to do what you need to do to take care of those kids and plan a course of action to break up the affair. Your love for her is dying quickly and you need to stop the bleeding before it is too late.

What can you do as far as Plan A? Do you understand that concept? Do you get the idea of what it is supposed to do?

Anything you do that shows her disrespect or is any kind of love buster will work against you.

Do you have any idea what her top ENs are? Can you fill out the questionnaire as if it were her filling it out (just your best guess here) and try to meet her ENs? Figure out what her top love busters are and in fact, try ro figure out what love busters you are doing and stop them all.

No amount of arguing, threatening or coercing will get her back. You and OM's W can work together if you can both come up with a plan and both stick with it.

Plan A seriously for a fairly short time at this point and if no success seems to be coming around, have Plan B already planned out and ready to go so that you can stop the insanity.

Have you read up on Plan A and B? Do you know what they are?

Mark

PS You've got email...

As far as I understan Plan "A" is when I make improvements on myself. I keep trying to meet her EN.

My question is will she be willing to accept things that meet her EM. For example. One of her EM is to have deep conversations. I just don't see her sitting down and start to chat. This could be b/c we do have other issues not directly relating with the affair. She has said "I don't feel safe/comfortalbe talking to you, or being around you, I feel pressure." As you could imagine moving back in just added to that pressure. This will only make more distant. How can I work with this?

Another thing in plan A I should request for the affair to end. How do I do that. I have been asking, telling, demanding, it to end already. She never realy gets into any specific but always ends up telling me that she is going to do what she wants, no one will control her. How Can I work with this.