I only recently discovered this board, and have been reading extensively to soak up as much as I can. In doing so, I know that you are a well respected voice here Melody. My feeling is that I may be too late in the grand scheme of things, but I want to be able to know that I did everything possible to save my marriage.

Here is a little more info for you. Married 14 years, together 18, known each other 23. Classic story, everything seemed to be going just fine in our marriage, and then I discovered in July that my wife was having an affair with her personal trainer, which had become a PA in May. She attempted to end it on D-day, but they continued to contact each other and conveniently run into each other from time to time. I have continued to try to disrupt things as best as possible, and cannot confirm one way or another if it still is PA, though WW says it is not. I have been in contact with OMW and she helped with some initial exposure, and I exposed to some as well, but not all as suggested here.

OMW is done with their marriage. OM is a serial adulterer - this is his 4th or 5th affair that she knows of, and they are still living together but supposedly getting a divorce as soon as their oldest daughter is in school for financial reasons. At first she was helpful, but anything from her now is perceived as crazy talk by WW since OMW has been dealing with this for many years.

My WW has since bought her own cell phone, as I was tracking her calls on her old one. I know that they have discontinued any email correspondence. They are still very much in contact via cell and text messaging, which WW continues to deny. WW exhibits all the classic fog talk and alien babble you all describe so well here, and I have heard all the classics from her. WW has filed for D, but we are going through a mediator and papers won't be served until mid Dec. WW claims OM is not the reason, but her actions do not support this, and I heard her say "in a year this will all be over and we can go out." I very much want to save my marriage, but at the same time want to preserve my dignity and have no desire to be in a loveless marriage. I have said to her that I want to be married to her, but I do not need to be married to her and that I respect myself too much to tolerate what I perceive to be disrespect and indignity. I am confident that given the opportunity, or more likely, her willingness should she come out of the fog, we could recover as many have here. WW is firm in her fog babble that "this is just the way I feel and you can't change my feelings." She has no desire to work on our marriage any more. We did go to MC for a short time, but she said after the first session that she could go for the rest of her life and it wouldn't change her feelings. She also went to IC for 4 sessions, but her C was not pro-marriage. I am in IC with an excellent pro-marriage C that has been very helpful.

WW refuses to move out of the house until D or at least finances are final, so I expect her to be under the same roof until at least the end of the year. She has no access to any major finances, and I continue to cover the household costs for myself and my kids, though obviously she benefits as well.

I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and have tried to Plan A as best as I can, but clearly I located this resource late in the game, and have unfortunately done some LB'ing. My thought was to Plan B at the end of Dec. I have an appointment with Steve Harley next week, and was going to expose following my consultation with him. I was thinking of some anonymous exposure to a few select people in order to capitalize on the gossip issue, as they have already been talking about it and would have their susipicions confirmed anyway by my exposure to the rest. Trying to balance the tsunami with not pushing WW over the edge and going straight to an attorney since we had already started down the D road.

I feel like I am at the end of the road, but want to do everything possible until the end, or at the very least to set the table for anything that might change in the coming months. I am not going to sit and wait however, and will continue on with my life regardless. At this point in time, I stil have hope, however small it may be, that things just might turn around. It is going to take a huge turn of events to get WW out of the fog, and I know exposure will help.

The suggestions of you many wise MBers is greatly appreciated. Please let me know your thoughts. In the short time I have been here, I have come to recognize your wisdom and have found this a very comforting place to seek refuge.

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BS (me) 41
WW 41
DD 10
DD 8
D-day 7/19/07
She refuses no contact and we are headed to divorce

***************************************************

MelodyLane
Member


Reged: 04/10/01
Posts: 25157
Loc: Great State of Texas! Re: How do I deal with my wife's affair??? [Re: NearingTheEnd]
#3329869 - 11/03/07 04:48 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



nearingtheend, would you mind taking this post and starting a new thread so you aren't buried down at the bottom of someone elses thread? That way we don't disrupt sonny's thread and others can see and respond to yours. Just hit the "post" button and a new thread will pop up.

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misplaced compassion gives power to EVIL.....

NearingTheEnd,

I have moved your post & started a thread for you so you can get your own individual help

Welcome to Marriage Builders and I know you'll get the help & strength you need to see this through.

Nerlycrzy

WOW.

What exposure have you done? HAve you exposed at the Gym where she met personal trainer?

NTE, I would suggest some strategic exposures to the gym, her parents, his parents, anyone else of influence. You will want exposure to have a tsunami effect if it is to be effective. So, tell me to whom you have exposed and exactly what they have been told.

Anonymous exposures are a waste of time, IMO. If you are going to expose, it is important you sign your name in order for it to be credible. Otherwise, it is nothing more than idle gossip. You can't exactly take credit if you do it anonymously.

Also, what is the OMW doing about the affair from her end?

Do you have children and have they been informed? How old are they?

Thanks for the help in starting this as a new thread. I didn't realize I wasn't following proper procedure.

Initial exposure after D-day was to WW closest friends and her sister. There was also a lot of talk around the school where she works. They were told WW was having an affair and that I wanted to do everything to save my M. I know now from reading here that I need to expose more and let people know I am trying to save my M and would like their support and assistance. I also know to expect WW to be furious, even more than she already is, but my M can survive that if it's to survive at all.

What should I say to people I do not know rewgarding exposure? I do not know anyone at the gym where OM works out sometimes. He does most of his training in individuals homes. I could put a post on a training website where he is listed and could expose to his network of associates as he is a coach for a kids soccer league. OMW has done minimal exposure, and her efforts are short circuited since this is the 4th or 5th time she's dealt with his affairs. He's a real winner. OMW has checked out of her M, but I had planned on contacting her again regarding exposure to OM family. WW is quick to babble and turn things around on me whenever I have spoken with OMW, as she sticks it to OM who then calls WW. WW has no contact with her parents, but I plan on contacting them anyway. When I had spoken with WW friends and her sister WW babbled about me staying out of her business and her life now that she wanted a D.

The anonymous route will be helpful for a couple of individuals as I know this will infiltrate some inner circles of influence that I cannot otherwise reach. I know this is not recommended, and I am not planning on being anonymous all around, but I have no other access to these people.

My kids are 8 and 10 and I have been advised by my IC that they are too young to understand, but will know in time.

NTE, some good exposure opportunities I see here are:

1. the owners of the gym where the OM works
2. the training website
3. his network of associates on the kids soccer league and the board of directors
4. WW's parents
5. the OM's parents

Try and do this all on the same day so it has a tsunami effect.

You should make this affair as public as possible in order to hasten its death. Exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer and the sooner you get it exposed, the faster it will die.


It is imperative that your children be told of the affair and are given moral guidance. Dr.Harley is a licensed psychologist with 35 yrs experience and he disagrees with your IC. They should not be lied to and SPUN by your wife, who will likely tell them lies about you "not getting along." She will likely even introduce them to the OM, and they will be completely ignorant of the truth, which they WILL RESENT. Kids can handle the truth, they cannot handle LIES. And if you don't tell them the truth, they will imagine the worst. Your kids most certainly CAN understand adultery and there is no reason to lie to them about the situation.

Dr. Willard Harley:

"2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)

Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse)."
<snip>

But remember to expose your husband's affair to the light of day. Don't hide it from anyone, including your children. Transparency is like chemotherapy. Hopefully, there is someone who is talking to your husband about the tragic decisions he's making, and can influence him to change course."

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

To the gym owners, I would give them the facts about the affair and ask what they intend on doing about it. Make it clear that you feel since other members will be affected too, that they should know also.

You would do the same thing to the soccer board and his training association.

To her parents, tell them about the affair, tell them you are trying to save the marriage and ASK FOR THEIR ADVICE AND SUPPORT. When you put it like that, they are more willing to look for ways to support you.

OM does not work at the gym, only works out there, but probably solicits new clients there too.

I will contact OMW about OM parents contact info.

What about WW friends? How far should I go? What about her workplace - the school that my kids attend? WW has shut out her sister and friends that have tried to talk sense into her after the initial discovery. She was furious with me for speaking with them.

Do you think it makes any difference that we are already in D process? As I mentioned, I found this site late in the process.

Is there any way to email you direct?

Thanks for your guidance.

I stepped away from this board months ago because I was concerned people involved in my situation might be reading my words and getting insight into what I was doing and planning.

With that said, I will only speak in generalities.

If your WW and OM don't work together there is only so much pressure you can apply with exposure at their workplaces. Their employers probably won't care. If the OM is self-employed it's even worse.

Did your WW and the OM meet as a result of his job as a personal trainer or something? If so I would call the gym and let everyone there know. The gym owner might not be happy about having a destroyer of families trolling for victims in his gym. I would also find out who his clients are and if they are women I'd inform their husbands that the personal trainer is a predator who screws around with his married clients.

As for your WW, what could be gained by exposing her at her job? I suppose the rule is if the exposure will put pressure on the affair you should do it. If it won't affect the affair, don't. Only you can answer that question.

If you want to expose someone anonymously you can start with an anonymous call to their HR department. Most HR departments will take anonymous calls. Find a payphone and use *67 so there is no record you called. The HR department might ask for names, dates, and other specifics. Get their fax number, type up a brief explanation of the problem, and fax it to them from a public fax machine somewhere. *67 works with fax machines, too. That's helpful if you don't want the HR department to even know the area code you're faxing from.

Remember, the HR department is only interested in how the affair will affect the organization. If they smell the possibility of negative publicity, improper use of company resources, or potential liability they'll act.

I'll check in later with a little more.

nerlycrazy, so good of you to get this ball rolling.

Nearing, is the school where your WW teaches a public school? How about going all the way up the chain of command, Board of Education (if that is what Jethro was getting at with reference to "HR".)

Good luck. It isn't too late to turn this thing around, no matter what your alien wife says.

I hope you are seeking full custody of the children to protect them from the new man..and other many new men..

ark

If he is soliciting clients there, then he probably has an agreement with them. And if he is solicting clients from their club AND having affairs with married clients, then they need to know this. This is definitely an exposure that I would pursue. His actions could be leaving them open for legal liability if he is conducting business from their gym. And even if they can't/don't do anything about it, just the embarrassment factor alone would be beneficial.