Thank you for the inspiration today. I am going to church every sunday and wednesday, i recently got saved and im loving church and reading the bible. My wife said she was proud of me. But she still "doesnt know" about us. I dunno what I should do, ive stayed away and havent ran to her. She just is so down and she just doesnt know what to do and she wont spend any time with me. Ive done everything I can, I dont know what else to do at this point

So lost.

Thank you

Talked with her on the phone for 40mins today.

Conversation started as, just saying hey and how are you doing, and have a good night.
To her asking why and details to who and what I did, where and all. I answered them best I could even though it was tough and she was letting a little anger out. She wouldnt tell me she loved me before she got off the phone, and I broke down telling her how I felt ect. and what all I was doing and everything im going to do to make this better.

She seemed to maybe lighten up a little bit after that, I told myself I wasnt going to chase her or cry and beg for her, but I ended up breaking down on the phone but it seems to change her attitude a little. Shes going to talk to our Preacher/Counsler tuesday I think.

Bump...


Believer where r u!

Should I do plan A....Ive read it and all but having a hard time understanding...I need how on handling this.


Anyone Please???

Ok people she finally opened up on how she felt and I REALLY REALLLy need help here, this has been one of the worse mornings of my life, I left her a long message on Instant messenger how I felt and all...She replied while I was away with...


Her- jut got in from bringing josh but i read ur messages zach an thats great that uve changed and all i just dont kno anymore.. its not u changing its me to and im nots ure if im ready to forget that stuff uve done behind my back before and after marriage.. i loved u so much or 4 years and i got tooken advantage of looked like a [censored] and so many times been lied to.. thats why i cant believe u now.. its almost like the boy who cried wolf story.. u made me believe so mucch and u manipulated me and the words that u said to me that i thought were so sincere.. i use to blame myself for blaming u b.c u told me u would never hurt me.. i was angry at myself and thats why im mad at myself now no matter how good something is i should come first in my life and i put u above everyoe in my life and i got treated like ******.. and im not sure if its going to work again.. i realiz ur changing because im gone and u want me back i understand. but do u know this is the first time u ever in 4 years done something that ive wanted... it should never be done that way.. i sat at home all through high school after games on weekends when u were partys and even after we were married u were gone more.. idk how im gonna change to understand an get over that... im sorry i just dont know if this is going to work in ur favor or not.. ive never hurt u or deserved this at all just b.c u cant say no



Her- imma go to bed im off work tomororw soo imma be sleeping in the morning.. have a good day tomorrow.. but i hope that u understand where im coming from as someone whose been hurt that its not easy to believe someone u love when they have lied scare in ur face about something so serious to that person.. ive felt so self conscious about the way i dress, look, weight, talk everything b.c u went off with someone else.. it doesnt feel good to be on the bottom of the pole and feel like people is above u even if theres not i cant control the emotions i have... if u had been done as many times and hurt like i have u would understand but i hope u never have to go through that cause its like a lifetime scar on ur heart that will never completely heal... not trying to make u feel bad.. but i never thought the person that can make u happy can make u cry and hurt within hours.. and im sorry that u said i pressured u into marriage if i had it to do over thingsg in the relationship it would have ended a long time ago... n u wouldnt be driving that car its hurt hurt and anger and sadness thats in my heart that im nots o sure im ready to put aside

Someone please help me on this, I really need help.

Hi Zach,



That is a disrespectful judgment you are making about her.

I'd be willing to bet it's also not true. Do you suppose that maybe she wants to know what you are doing because she doesn't trust you (with valid reason) and because she wants to feel safe?

If you want your W back, it's going to take much more than no more cheating. You are going to have to change YOU by learning how to protect yourself from an affair and by making your life transparent to her.

I agree with you 100% frozen...I see a counsler regulary for this and Im going to church and have changed, I really have. This has been a huge life lesson to me and I will never hurt her again.

By her message it looks like she still is unsure but some of it is painful to read like she doesnt think she can. She has to believe she can get past this over time. I will keep praying she will.

This is my first post here, I've been reading the forums since this summer when my husband and I were having some problems. MB has helped me sort through some of them, although I haven't posted, I have been following people's stories advice and have used some of the advice given to other people. I was feeling much the same way that your wife is when she says-

" ive felt so self conscious about the way i dress, look, weight, talk everything b.c u went off with someone else.. it doesnt feel good to be on the bottom of the pole and feel like people is above u even if theres not i cant control the emotions i have... if u had been done as many times and hurt like i have u would understand but i hope u never have to go through that cause its like a lifetime scar on ur heart that will never completely heal"

-I was feeling like I was the last person on my husband's list of people to care about. He would put everyone else ahead of me, for example he would take his sister's advice over mine, he insisted that I go skiing, even though I don't like it and never will be good at it, and then ignores me when we get to the hill. This isn't about me though, just a couple of examples. I think that she needs for you to put her first. It sounds like she has put you and your needs ahead of her own and has not recieved much back and is now wondering "What have I done?" and is imagining a lifetime of hurt if she stays with you. I imagine that what she needs is to feel special, and that she is important to you. I am sure that other posters have better advice on how you could go about achieving that using the MB principles.

Anne

Thank you Anne...I agree i havent treated her right and have put myself before her. Now this 2 months of being apart I have realzed all my faults. She says she does forgive me but doesnt think she can get over what Ive done to her. I am a changed man and I want to put her first and make her feel on top of the world, but I dont think shes going to pull through after that message :-/. I need some advice, I know its HER decision and I cant change her mind for her. My counsler tells me im doing right and keep doing it.

That's great, Zach. It sounds as though you're on the right track, but you have A LOT more work to do.



If I understand you correctly, you're saying that you feel afraid when she says this because you're afraid she's going to give up on you. Is that right?

The truth is that you can't control that from her end. You can, though, change yourself into a man that is mature, dependable, loving, not afraid of commitment, a man that knows how to love her without hurting her. In short, you can become a reliable ATTRACTIVE option to her.

I'm glad to hear you are seeing a counselor. If you're really motivated (and it sounds as though you are), you can also work on a lot of this on your own.

How much studying have you done on MB Principles? Have you read Surviving An Affair?

The Harleys have a specifically outlined plan for healing the wounds caused by infidelity and for restoring trust and love to your marriage. If followed, their plan works 100% of the time. Pretty good odds, I'd say.


She is making the assumption that your decision to have an affair has something to do with her...because SHE wasn't enough.

I would advise you to figure out WHY you had an affair and to help her realize that your choice to do so was NOT at all because she was lacking in some way, but because YOU were lacking in some way.

So now I'll ask you, Zach.

Why did you have an affair?

No, you can't make her change her mind, but you can tell her that you are not going anywhere. My husband had to tell me that more than once and I never had hard evidence of any cheating, just a strong suspicion based on his behavior and a lot of red flags. It took all summer for me to feel secure again and I still have doubts. So I think that it is going to take a lot of time for her to begin to feel more secure in the changes that you are making. That is what you need to do, is help her feel secure stay consistent with what you are doing and not expect for her to come around immediatly. When she was sick,were you able to follow up with a card or anything just to let her know you were thinking about her and to show concern?

I didnt actually have an Affiar...I did go hang out with a girl during the bad week. That was it, nothing happened. I did run around on her in the 4 years we dated though. 90% of this was things that happened before we were married and it has all been triggerd. At times I doubted us cause we argued, but now the time away has changed me completly.

When did your W find out about your pre-marital infidelity? Before or after you were married?

Anne- I sent her flowers at her work a few times and gave her roses in person. We have been split for 2 months and she stayes with this one friend 24/7 everyday almost. Neither of them have any other friends or anything so they are stuck with eachohter. My wife really believes she cant get over it and ive done everything and my counsler see's that. She refuses to come to church and act like everything is ok with us.


I have not had an affair even though she suspects it and doesnt beleive me cause what I have done in the past which is resonable. Shes so hurt and I dont know what else I can do im doing everything, I just dont want her to just give up like shes sounding in that letter. My counsler told me this morning, shes just confused and doesnt know which way to go and shes looking for signs. She says she forgives me but she thinks she cant get over this.


I dunno what else to do ive tried everything and im so willing to do everything to get my joy back.


Im lost at this point, please continue helping me people! Thank you so much

She found out before and we aruged and fought about it, but really never got help from a counsler or whatever, we always ignored it and I kept repeating it. I see what my faults were and I have completey changed.


Everything was before we got married besides the incident that week when we fought and I went to a girls house which started all of this.

Exactly 3 years ago today and a month before our wedding, I discovered that my fiance had been having an affair for 1 1/2 years.

I married him anyway, in hopes that we could recover.

I can tell you that regardless of whether or not it happened before or after you were married, the effects on your marriage for her are still quite similar.

She still feels betrayed.
She still doesn't feel safe.
She still doesn't trust you.

I can also tell you that it's a damned hard place from which to begin a marriage.

So why were you unfaithful before you were married?

She is probably does not quite belive that nothing happened and I don't know if you can prove that it didn't. Spending time with another girl during a rocky week given your history together was a huge lovebuster and will take a lot of deposits to make up for. I don't think you can even use the rationalization that nothing happened, because something did. You went to someone other than your wife for emotional support and comfort. If you haven't apologized for that specifically, then you should.

Frozen- I guess the reason why I did was because I just took advantage of her and I had a problem with temptation. I went to that girls house that week cause I questioned if I wanted to be with her or not. Ive had 2 months to think and now I realize what I want and Ive been changing my problems.


Anne- Ive apologized so many times and she says she forgives me. But shes so hurt and doesnt think she can ever get over it. I know she doesnt beleive nothing happened, but Ive told her Id be more than happy for her to talk to the other girl and she hasnt. Seems my wife is more focused on the past before we got married.