My WH and I are separated and he is living with his grandparents. He has been there for 2 weeks now saying he needs to get his mind straight b/c he realizes he has alot of problems and right now he is unsure of what he wants but he knows that he does not want a divorce. He had a serious affair and 2 one night stand kind of things over the last 7 years. He said he was not proud of them and he had alot of problems he needed to fix before he came home. My question is does Plan B really work? He has been texting me asking about my day and he has called me everyday since he left and every time he says I Love You. I started ignoring the texts yesterday and I will continue to but am worried if this will seem like I'm not interested anymore or will this drive him crazy?

The purpose of Plan B is to remove you entirely from the waywards life with a seperation to lessen the emotional pain brought on by the affair. People have nervous breakdowns and years of post traumatic stress disorder from being exposed to affairs, so Plan B prevents that.

Plan B is not intended to manipulate the WS, but to seperate from him.

Littlebit,

I can tell you that i did not come to MB until after me and my FWH were already in recovery.

Little did i know that i had been doing Plan A and Plan B on my own.

After Dday i was in Plan A wanting my FWH to know how much i wanted to save our M and that we could get over this A with work. This went on for not very long (because he was still seeing the OW) and i made him leave and go be with her. I did not speak to him after he left (Plan B).

He came home two days later and begged for my forgiveness and said that he could not stand it if i never spoke to him again.

So for me (even though i did not know i was in Plan A or Plan B) it worked WONDERFULLY.

Is he still seeing the OW? Has the affair ended? Is he keeping NC with the OW?

The OW said she had enough of him and she was not begging for him any longer and that was on Friday. She actually contacted me and told me she was done b/c all he had done was string her along the whole time. His whole thing about moving in with his grandparents is because he still has alot of feelings for this girl and he is trying to get over them so he can be in this marriage whole-heartedly, although he says that if I need to move on then that is my decision. I personally think he is just hanging on to me in case his separated life doesn't work out. He has never been without me for 11 years so I think him being away may show him what he is missing. Can Plan b do this?

I think it can work. You just have to be sure you stay dark. DO not talk to him at all.

Although it does not always work as you can see by these boards.

LB29,

Don't miss the point of what Mel said in response to your question. The purpose of Plan B is to remove the BS from the daily drama of a WS actively engaging in an ongoing affair. In this regard Plan B can work wonders.

It MIGHT have the residual effect of causing the WS to miss the BS enough to get them out of the fog, but only in that the affair partner has to meet all of the WS's ENs and may not be even as good at doing so as the BS was to begin with.

In your situation, I would pause just briefly before pulling the trigger on Plan B to see if the affair really is over. If it is then he will experience withdrawal and hopefully come out the other side fog free or nearly so (at least committed to staying married)

If your goal is to save your marriage, avoid anything that can even be thought of as vengeful at all costs. If your goal is to get even with him before sending him packing, then throw him out. But if you toss him onto the street just as the affair is coming to an end you are punishing him for the very thing you sought for so long.

I think you have a window of opportunity to save your marriage right now and while you are probably pretty tired of dealing with all of this, the fact that he would not commit to OW shows that Plan A was doing what it was designed to do and the fantasy has begun to crack and will soon evaporate.

You've been here about a month and a half. See if you can't give it another couple weeks to see if the fog starts to clear as NC is really established. BTW, now might be a good time to press him for NC letter...

Mark

Littlebit,

Plan B is not necessarily a WAY to get your S back.


It's supposed to be a way that YOU separate YOURSELF physically and emotionally from your WS. So everyday you are not the target of their justifications, poor behaviors, lying, cheating ways. In plan B you won't have to stare the A straight in the eye everyday. This lessens YOUR pain. It keeps YOU from losing your love for your S.

Plan B lets you concentrate on YOU. Your personal recovery can begin here. Plan B will not be the reason your WS comes back, but it also will not be the reason he doesn't. But if he does, he will come back to a half sane individual who has started on a personal recovery. A person who is stronger. And if he doesn't return, you are well on your way to being happy again.

So in Plan B, you cease all contact with your WS. You write them plan B letter outlining what is required for their return, highlighting the fact that you would like a chance to recover. But the pain of their daily infidelity is too painful to stand by and watch. If you have children, then you would need an intermediary to assist with communication concerning them.(And other financial things if needed)

A very dark Plan B is the best way to go.

Hope this helps.

Tiny TJ: Hi Still, hope you are doing well. End of TJ