Gotta go back and find out what happened here....

????

Exactly. And that's what's wrong with this picture. So what to do? I don't know. I know what I would do at this point, but this is YOUR life.

I know that deer in headlight look...like what's wrong with you...

Meggy, the only thing I know is that I don't want to continue doing anything, anymore, not along the lines that we have. I'm DONE!

I blame myself -

and yet my first reaction is, "It's about time!"


You are now a member of the Plan FU club. And one usually joins this club when one's boundaries have been non-existent and/or trampled on for so long that one bypasses plans A, B, C and D and goes straight to Plan FU.


Of course you are. The problem is, you've been angry for a real, real long time, but did nothing but stuff it down and try to ignore it. You can see why that is never the thing to do - because stuffing your anger does not make it go away. It only puts it under more and more and more pressure until it finally EXPLODES like it did today.


That is terribly sad. Of course your pain and all of your feelings were important. The only mistake you made was being around people who somehow managed to convince you that your pain and your feelings were not important.


Just hang on. You have made a real breakthrough - you got mad as ****** and you're not going to take it anymore.

Good for you.

If you need to, get out of the house for a while. Do Not Apologize For Your Feelings. Do Not Apologize For Your Pain.

Your task now is to learn to handle your pain and anger in an appropriate way that is healthy for you.

Trying to disregard your feelings as "not important" is not healthy or constructive.

Stuffing pain and anger is not healthy or constructive.

Exploding with rage, though understandable, is not healthy or constructive.

Your task is to find the place in between "stuffing my feelings" and "exploding with rage".

We can try to help you here, and we will do what we can, but you may feel much better also having professionals help you. You could certainly call the Harleys, and you may want to find a good IC that you can see face to face. (I have not kept up with your thread so I'm not sure if you're already in MC or IC.)

So - for right now - Don't Apologize. You had enough, you got mad as ******, and you're not going to take it anymore.

Prepare for your life to get a whole lot better.
Mulan

P.S. Mulan is proud of you - not for the rage, but for finally standing up for yourself. You won't *always* have to destroy garments and send blistering emails in order to stand up for yourself. Now that you've done this, the door is open for you to find healthy and constructive ways of standing up yourself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

If that's what it takes, then that's what it takes, and it's all good.

Let us know how you're doing.

I agree with PM and Chrisner (eta: And Mulan!)--I don't think that this was a bad thing. View it as cathartic. You did what you needed to do--you took a stand for your own sanity.

Now try to smile and move on.

Yep. When I read your post SL, I thought to myself, "thar she blows!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mulan, thanks so much for coming and posting. I know that you haven't kept up with my thread, but we've crossed paths on the P/A threads quite a bit.

I know that I was living in a REACTIVE universe when I got home, and what I did helped no one.

I am crying because YOU validated my pain; I don't even know you, and you touched me.

I think I've hit MY bottom.

But you're wrong SL. It helped YOU. You may not know it now but you will.


Then there's only one direction to go now.

(((SL)))

Maybe I'm weak, but I just don't have it in me to continue waiting for that pull of the rope, instead of the tug. Now, all my spelunking has gotten me into a deep, dark cave.

I'm willing to claw my way out, but I'm not willing to carry anybody else right now (besides my son)

I guess that shirt won't do that again, will it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

This has been building for awhile....I remember you mentioning that shirt before.

I saw my WH at a volleyball game the other day. He was wearing a shirt that I had bought him for Christmas one year. I wanted to rip it off him then and there and cut it up.....he doesn't deserve to enjoy gifts I gave him anymore.

I feel for you, SL. It may not be MB recommended, but this will hopefully make him MOVE. Whatever direction, so be it, but you need him to do SOMETHING.

This may be his wakeup call.

Thinking of you, SL.

Fox

ETA: You are NOT weak, SL. This has been in your face for a long time. We each have our breaking points. You are an incredibly strong woman!

EXACTLY!



And I think that is appropriate. Carrying someone else's weight isn't your job. It isn't even a "nice" thing to do for them because it isn't loving at all to shield someone else from the consequences of their actions, thus stunting their growth.

I won't be one of those who will tell you that I'm proud of you for AO'ing.

And even though it may feel GOOD at the time to let all those angry feelings out, there IS a better way.

The trick is not to let it build up by addressing issues as they come up.

Also, if your H is PA, your AO is only serving to fuel the PA/Spouse of PA dance.

Passive-aggressiveness doesn't exist in a vacuum. It takes two people contributing the right elements in order to sustain it.

Today you played your role like a PA Spouse Star.

And I understand how frustrating it is. I understand it so well.

Don't come at him guns blazing. In fact, that might even be what he's looking for.

Take some time to regain your composure. Don't go back until you are sure you will be able to respond appropriately.

When you do, use your boundary skills, pay attention to the tone of your voice. You can still express your anger about this situation without losing control.

But remember not to feed the cycle.

<snicker>

Taking my little man out to dinner. Thanks to you all for posting.

Frozen, I know I am part of it. I know that what I did was the wrong way.

I told him about how I felt about that shirt MONTHS ago. I just don't know what more to do beyond making him aware that something he does hurts me. After I told him, he still wore it. I guess I need to know what to do under those circumstances. Am I to cut it up right then and there, or tell him that I will not be in his presence as long as that shirt is in his possession?

anyway, my son is now begging me to get going, so I think I will.

Oh, and it felt good for about two seconds. Now, I'm just sad with disappointment on both sides.

I wouldn't even bring up the shirt again. It is no more.

Have fun with DS!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Here is what you do for future reference.

You withdraw. Openly.

You say..you know..I don't FEEL like meeting your needs while I am treated with no consideration or respect.

I have told you several times that wearing a gift from your affair partner hurts and offends me and you have continued to do it even though you know it hurts me.

If we are going to have a freeloader marriage then I am ALSO going to only do what I feel like doing when I feel like doing it. Right now I don't FEEL like doing anything with you or for you so I'm not gonna.

Then you do just that. You let the conflict stand and let his own conscience convict him.

You make your own meals...you don't have conversations with him...you just live your life like he doesn't exist.

In other words you let the rope drop when he drops his end instead of carrying both ends to keep it up.

He is not showing you care or consideration...so he doesn't get the benefit of intimacy with you.

Calmly, coldly, you do not meet his needs.

Incidentally...actually WEARING a gift from the OP is pretty blatant disrespect...very open and not at all concealed or something that wouldn't fall into the category of "usual and expected". Just in case you have been getting told that your feelings are ridiculous and it's just a shirt.

If it's just a shirt then he can "just" get rid of it out of consideration for you.

ya know SL...

during my husband's affair...he bought a very beautiful, gold celtic cross and chain which he never took off.

I assumed that she bought it for him. I hated that cross, I hated that he wore jewelery from her.

He refused to stop wearing it and insisted that it was not given to him by her.

Recovery started....recovery went on....I resented and fumed and hated that shiney gold cross on his neck. How dare he disrespect me and my feelings!!!!!!

I finally got it through my own head that I was making a selfish demand, no matter how righteous I was.

I demanded, he resisted, I fumed...round and round we went.

So I stopped. I did not suck up my feelings. I started expressing myself directly, calmly and without demands.

I brought up my hurt that he wore the necklace probably only once a month - I let go of my expectations that he would react the way I wanted him to.

After a few times....I said it again. No hysteria, no drama, no demands, no expectations.

He looked at my face and lifted the necklace over his head and handed it to me, and said: I swear that she did not give this necklace to me, but if it hurts you that much, its not worth it to me.

Oh my goodness. I was so shocked....I had such a feeling of calm and peace just wash over me. I took the necklace and put it around his neck again on the spot.

Instead of a divisive issue, it became an instant moment of great healing between us.

Now, I could have kept rightously demanding, stuffing, resenting ... and he would have stubbornly dug his heels in for good. And we'd still be fighting about it.

Well heck no, we'd probably have gotten divorced.

Yes, he owes you. But this is not the way to heal a marriage. Is it the end of the world that you did it? No. But I won't cheer you on or say YES, GOOD JOB!

Lovebusting ALWAYS results in harm to your spouse.

This was NOT a step in the right direction for you or him.

Nice story, BR.