Found out about WW EA, PA mid-October. It had been going on for about 3 weeks. She has been unwilling to work on the marriage but says she "wants to want to come back." A with the OM ended about 4 days ago. I am pretty sure there has been NC as WW is emotionally distressed. She is having a hard time.

I exposed to WW parents and my parents immediately. I exposed to OMW 2 days ago but later found out the A was already fizzling out (he dumped her). OMW is furious and wants to divorce her husband. She even burned all his clothes. WW is still furious about my exposure...

WW is living with her parents. We have limited contact as she comes by to visit the kids a couple times per week. I send her "good morning" and "good night" text messages to try and initiate contact. She is usually good about responding but does not take the initiative.

In life there are no guarantees but I do miss her and am curious about my chances of her coming back. Before I discovered this site, there were many LB; I have her lots of grief about the A. Other than exposure, I have been better in the last week.

Any advice you can give me about Plan A and if you think she will want to reconcile, and how long until would be appreciated. As I am sure you know, it feels good to talk about it.

Thanks

I don't know much about this Plan A and Plan B stuff, but you absolutely did the right thing by exposing the A to OMW. Good Job! You fulfilled your moral obligation and rammed his marriage into the crapper. Let him suffer along with you.

That suggests to me that she still has feelings for the OM. The A isn't "over" yet IMO.



All WSs follow certain behaviour "scripts". I think your chances are good, but are likely to be affected by her parents' influence over her (as she's living there right now). You need to do what you can to enlist them on your side.

Her parents are on my side. They have told me she is "out of control" and told her she should "work on the marriage." WW does not want to hear it so they have backed off.

They won't kick her out though, as even though they think she is wrong, they support their daughter.

Shocked,

In order to not have to relink them right now, read the link in my sig line>>My Musings Thread.

In it I include some links that were a great help to me when I first got here. They include Longhorn's thread, BP's Toolkit and WAT's thread for newbies and Pep's Carrot and Stick of Plan A. There are also discussions of Plan A and B and links to resources off this site as well as on it. Most of the links are on about page 4 or so, but the discussions might help as well.

Good job on exposure!

Mark

You are correct - there has been NC but not necessarily by her choice. I know she is avoiding him now but is in emotional distress as the A ended against her will. She is vulnerable and there is a possibility for more contact. But if I am lucky, it is over. I do konw that the OM blew her off and she has subsequently been avoiding him.

You are doing VERY WELL. Signed up here 11/13 and on 11/20 have done all the exposure and the affair may be OVER!!!! Good job. Our newbies don't usually get the MB program that fast.

Well, it took me a month to find this site. Wish I had found it sooner; may have saved myself a month of agony.

Having a rough time. WW still has NC (been almost a week) and is depressed about losing the OM. Says she doesn't love me anymore and is still staying at her mother's place.

Trying to do my best with Plan A but unreciprocated love is hurtful.

Have any of you folks gone through this, and is there still a good chance for us? I appreciate your feedback.

She needs to hit rock bottom.

It ain't so bad at home when you are swimmin with the pigs.

Shocked,

You are doing fine! I know it doesn't feel fine, but you are on course and on time.

Already quoted this week was Steve Harley's analogy of throwing rocks into a stream in order to build a bridge. The first 499 rocks vanish beneath the waves as if they were swallowed by the earth, but the 500th just breaks the surface and for the first time you can SEE the progress while up until that point in time all you could do was trust that progress was being made because logic told you it was taking place even though you couldn't see it yet.

Trust your logic, not your feelings.


And that's why Plan A has to be intense but fairly short. If it goes on too long you burn out and your love for her dies a slow and painful death.

But you are actually still pretty early into this. The fact that she is not living with you will make it seem even longer than it will take, but if she is in NC and you are doing the right things in Plan A, you might see some progress before long. Withdrawal from OP usually takes about 3 weeks. It's just a really LONG 3 weeks.

The first 499 vanish like smoke, but eventually you get to see the progress and THAT is what you build on.

Mark

(Slight T/J)
Mark, I loved the analogy of the rocks.
(/TJ)

Shocked, I won't give you any advice because you're getting excellent help but just know that you are on the right path. Don't give up. There is hope!

Thanks for all your support. Feeling a little blue today.

ShOcked,

Any way to get her back into the house? Plan A works alot better if she is around!

You need to make your home a safe haven for her. She is in agony right now, withdrawal from OM, uncertainty about her future, missing the kids, (you have the kids, right?)LIVING WITH HER PARENTS!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

She needs comfort and reassurance right now.

Unfortunately, YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO FEEL BLUE. Now is the time to bring her back into the fold. You must be pro active not reactive.

Go on an outing with the kids, with no relationship talk. Just focusing on being with the kids.

Whats up for turkey day?

Stay strong and be happy that the A is destroyed and OM has given her the heave ho. The hard facts of her reality will be setting in and you need to be there for her.

IMHO

kirk

Contact. Found some text messages on her cell phone. Just simple "Hello" and "Good morning" but it certainly leaves the door open.

Shocked,

I'm not...shocked that is...

First, be certain they are current. You don't want to get too bent out of shape over old stuff.

But assuming they are current, it would explain her lack of response a bit, but to be honest, this early on it wouldn't be at all unusual and doesn't really change what you have to do right now.

Stay with the plan...

Stay strong. Your kids need you. You're WW needs you too, she just doesn't realize how much yet.

Hang in there.

Mark

Bad night/Bad morning. WW stayed with me last night. Very difficult; she has a lot of hostility toward me. I asked her about the messages and things spiraled out of control. Once things calmed down, we ended up sleeping in the same bed and I have her a foot massage, back rub, and held her most of the night.

This morning, she woke me and relived the negativity of the night before. She forgot all about the love and affection.

I did learn a little more about her relationship with the OM - she still loves him and he occasionally he sends her a text message but she keeps telling herself that she deserves better and is trying to get over him.

She left this morning, with the kids, back to her parents place. "Too much drama, too much intensity" she said. I am catching up with them later for T-Day.

She has a huge amount of hostility and animosity toward me. Do you think this is because she is hurting from the other relationship or am I doing a lousy job with plan A?

She is acting completely normal. Try to stay out of discussions about the relationship and affair for now. Keep on Plan A'ing.

Are you sure this is normal (for this situation)? She doesn't want much to do with me now. I am not sure how I can do much plan A with her when she will hardly see me.

FWH here.

At this early stage in withdrawl for her you need to put everything she says and does through a very fine BS filter!

She's actually not in withdrawl yet as each and every text she gets will bring her back to near square 1.

When I was there I could barely form a rationale thought whatsoever ... lots of debate on here about how to describe the mental state of a WS when caught up in an A.

Make the Plan A efforts about giving without any expectation. Avoid talking about A and relationship for now ... you might as well be talking to the wall. In time (only after real NC IMO) she'll see the grass really was greener on her side of the pasture in the 1st place.

I'm can only imagine that Plan A'ing must be agonizing when your WS continues to spew negativity and venom ... just know it normal, predictable and if you stay strong she'll "snap out of it" and you'll have a great chance for a successful R.

Enjoy your T-Day ... have as much fun as you possibly can!