You have no control over her words or actions.

You do have control over how you react. Keep your reactions to the bad times well under control, and show mild appreciation for the good times.

It's like being caught on a small craft at sea in a hurricane, and all you can do is keep the bow headed into the wind, and maintain your course.

There's lots of help and support on this site...

*@bwaaarp *phlaaaargggh UUUoooorrgh* - oops, ran out of gas. trying to burp "you're welcome"

The latest from the WW: "I will stay in the house tonight for the kids, and for our family. I am interested in making us work, even though spending time with you stressful. Is that enough? I am giving you what I can."

Is this fog-talk? Is it because it has only been 2 weeks since NC? It is tough with her sleeping in my bed when I know she is not there to be with me.

shocked,

IM or email me sometime... i experienced all that plus i'm always looking for others to bounce ideas off as well

charliethreeee@yahoo.com

It doesn't matter "why" she's there... she probably couldn't tell you the "truth" about why she's there anyway, BUT...

...she doesn't know what else to do. She is looking for a safe and easy way back home...down deep inside. Right now, it's in your best interest to be the one that provides the safety. The "easy" part will be anything but easy, for either of you, but keeping her home, especially during withdrawal, is a good thing. It allows you to do a very Hands On Plan A.

Once withdrawal runs it's course, you will be put in a position to discuss the A, and discuss a path towards recovery. But until then...make her welcome in your home and make it your mission to begin reconnecting with her.

Harley's 15 hours a week is something you should start working towards. Even if it's holiday shopping together, whatever, the more time you spend together is good.

There IS a fine line between "smothering and/or controlling" and being "too independent", but you just need to feel your way. You will be the first person she'll criticize as her mood swings back and forth, which it may do a dozen times a day, often taking place in the blink of an eye.

Patience and loving care, all with good intention, is about the most you can do. IF/WHEN you begin to see your former W return from the fog, that would be an excellent time to lay groundwork for counseling with the Harley's. It's been stated many times that they cut through to the heart of matters, and get you a plan for recovery.

Otherwise, you are doing as well as any of us did, under the circumstances. Have pride in that...difficult as it might seem! You are on the correct path...just continue through withdrawal.

Next week there is a Christmas Party for my work. Many people at my work know about the A as we have mutual friends there (exposure). She asked me about it, and I told her that we probably shouldn't go unless she felt dedicated to me and the marriage. Here is her reply:

"I think we should go. Doing things as a couple is part of the recovery. I think we should do it. As far as our marriage, I want to make it work, and I am trying to make it work. Please don't push it anymore. I need to be able to enjoy being with you."

What do you folks think of this? Again, she has only been in NC for about 2 weeks. She tells me she is staying at the house for the kids and not for me.

Also, I did some snooping. No calls or text messages to/from the OM.

Penny for your thoughts.

You sure are wasting a lot of time, pardner. Why are you worrying about WHY she's staying, and why are you assuming she's telling you the truth about her motivations? Look, man, let all that go for now...deal with it sometime in the future. She probably doesn't know herself about why she's still there but she HAS latched on to a really important reason for staying in the marriage that doesn't require her to make a commitment she can't make right now. Instead of worrying about this detail, work hard to morph her commitment to her children into one fixed upon the marriage. Do your Plan A (steadily improving yourself in her eyes), work on the 15 hours a week thing, and maintain your boundaries. Be consistent so she can fit herself back into this marriage without having to figure out where you are at any given moment.

She gave you a solid opening when she mentioned going to the party as a couple was important, btw, and you darned near blew it big time. She included some bovine scatology about not pushing “it” and needing to enjoy being with you along with some other gobbledygook, but that was all designed to help her get to the important part.

Don't you understand? Her question was: DO YOU WANT TO BE SEEN WITH ME? AM I IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO YOU FOR THAT?

She’s trying to save a little face in the relationship negotiation process with the bovine stuff, but it’s not important. You could have said something like, “Yes, honey, I think you’re right. Letting others see that we are working hard on our marriage IS important. I’m glad you’re going to enjoy being with me at the party...”

See? Look man, take what she’s willing to commit herself to at this moment and work harder to turn that to your advantage and into even more commitments. This isn’t going to get fixed overnight, darn it. Make the process easier for her, not harder! Start looking for the opportunities in what she DOES, not what she SAYS.

OBW...if you really want to salvage this marriage, don’t you ever again suggest you two shouldn’t be seen in public together as a recovering couple. What kind of signal do you think THAT sent, man? Geeeeeeeez!

Right, Longhorn, it's just been a matter of days that she's gone into withdrawal, and Sh0cked, she could be just saving face with the "only here for the kids" story. She may not want to admit to herself that the affair was as meaningless and trivial as it was. She is still hanging on to the fantasy of the Great Love Of Her Life and the Noble Sacrifice the Good Mother Makes for Her Children.

She is with you. This is better than her not being with you. And you have confirmed no contact. Just be patient, and be sexy and hot when you go to the party. Be self confident, not needy, smile and show off your caps.

Bone up on the people who will be there; go over the names of their family members, their hobbies, anything else you remember about them, so you can charm everybody in the place and thus shine in your wife's eyes.

Slow and steady love bank deposits, without asking for feedback and without asking whether she noticed.

(((sh0cked)))))

(my hands on either side of your cheeks as I tell you what a cute boychick you are)

Now go, be hot. Make a new memory in your marriage.

Thanks Longhorn and Bellevue. Sometimes I need a little kick in the a## to stay focused. She is with me albeit not for the reasons I want but at least it gives me time for plan A. She definitively still has feelings for the OM and is depressed. NC has been 15 days.

Patience has never been my strong suit and I find myself looking for that quick fix. Thanks again for the dose of reality. Back to plan A...

Cool. Stay with the program, pardner. "Focus" is exactly what I was going for. Keep your eyes on the ball and ignore the distractions for the time being. Remember, in Plan A, you do not expect any rewards for anything you do, okay? You're doing the hard work now for rewards that can come in a distant future. For now, let her be here for the kids. That is a powerful emotion all by itself and it can easily be transformed into one that includes you. You are, after all, part of the children, right?


Pardner you're writing that all wrong. It should be:


Withdrawal from a drug, to use an analogy, doesn't happen overnight. It takes months, and a LOT of attention and care to make sure there is no relapse. In my opinion, emotional addictions are no different. It simply takes a lot of time for things to get straightened out and you have to stay strong while reality seeps back into her life. Friend, the worst of the withdrawal should begin to decline in the next six weeks or so, but there will be signs of it for a long time.

Try to develop some patience, man. Find yourself a good IC who can give you some exercises to do just that. Above all, Shock, stay on an even keel -- be wary of an uncontrolled anger that could flush all your hard-won gains down the toilet.

Cherish your children, Shock, and hold them close.

ShOcked,

Longhorn, nailed it. You don't care why she says she is staying, and since you don't trust her why do you trust it is just for the kids? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> She is afraid as most WS's are when they come back or try to. Take to that party, dance with her, smile at her, listen to her, enjoy being in her presence and let her know in your words, your eyes, your actions.

Right now, SHE is right, you two do need some together time and fun together time at that.

Must go, but as everyone is saying, "eye on the ball". The details will sort out in time, IF you two can find a life together that you enjoy.

God Bless,

JL

Things certainly are a roller coaster. One day things seem better, the next is in the toilet. I am worried about contact because the last day of class is tomorrow and she will have plenty of time on her hands to stew.

In the meantime, I have started taking better care of myself. I even started working out at the gym.

Some weeks it's 3 days forward, 2 days back, and other weeks are more like 3 days forward, 4 back.

So long as your heart can stand it, stay the course. Many of us got off the rollercoasters of the A, and the onset of recovery with marriages worth fighting for.

Keep your eye on the prize, and slog through this. One day at a time. With faith...

And the good news is the antidepressants are starting to work. Either that or it is the exercise, or both. I am not so desperate and gaining some confidence back. Plan A is tough when you are obsessing.

I don't know where this is headed but five things are certain:
1) WW is spending most nights in the house, sleeping in my bed, and holding my hand until she falls asleep
2) WW does not want to get a divorce
3) WW believes that reconciliation is the ideal situation although doesn't have those "feelings" for me right now
4) I am a better father than I was before the A
5) I am taking better care of myself

So, whatever happens, I will come out of this a better partner for her or someone else. Now back to plan A.

You are doing a GREAT job. Just keep it up and expect NOTHING in return. I'm glad you are feeling better.

Well, I desperately want her back but am starting to realize that desperation does not help. It is VERY DIFFICULT to expect nothing in return and rely solely on the plan.

I love analogies.

Think of the plan as a plaster cast on a broken bone.

Nothing appears to be happening. Inactivity makes you itch. You really want to take the cast off and test the arm. The work and healing is going on beneath the cast and under the skin. The plan is the cast. Stick with the plan.

Restless? go take a run. Or rake leaves, or shovel snow, or clean out the car.

Good analogy, Bellevue.

Shocked - It is better if you don't have expectations. Otherwise they tend to get dashed by the WS and it makes it much harder to guard your love for her.

You are doing very well so far.

Thanks all. The support here has been great.

WW reminded me we have a MC appointment this afternoon. She said we have a lot to talk about. One topic will undoubtedly be sex; I walked in on her changing last night and made a comment about how beautiful she is. She told me she is not comfortable with that level of intimacy but will discuss it with the counselor. That should be interesting.

WW is confused about my new found independence. I guess she used to me being clingy. Amazing how desperation pushes her away and a little self confidence gets her attention. She was concerned about me wearing cologne today. I assured her I was only interested in her, and tried to give her a passionate kiss but she pulled away, so I settled for a normal kiss goodbye on my way out to work.

Any advice for me with the MC?