thanks for the prayers and encouragement.

i have friends coming over tonight for dinner; by the time they leave the locks will be changed. then i will feel better. my mind is racing, trying to think of the sneaky things he could do to hurt me - but maybe i should just try to stop it? think on something else? is that right, or is there anything more i can do at this point?

While your friends are over, have them do a perimeter check on the house. Secure all windows or entrances such as crawl spaces, vent windows, attic windows, anything with a weak or breakable lock. Doggie door? Nail it shut. Sliding glass doors? Put rods on the tracks.

This all to protect your privacy. He has no business intruding into your home, your safe place. You don't want to walk into the laundry room and see him pulling his jeans out of the dryer, telling you the lint filter needs cleaning. Or waking up early to see him fanning through the mail on your dresser.

Do you have a garage with a lock? Get that lock changed too, and park your car inside. He might decide that he really isn't violating your boundaries by leaving you a flower or a card in the car, but darn it you're so stubborn in refusing to listen to reason, actually he's afraid you're CRAZY and he needs to check up on you......

Can you get the car lock re-keyed as well?

Oh, about the mail: Ask your postal carrier for a change of address form, and have HIS mail re-routed to anyplace where people are willing to get his mail. Can you get the girlfriend's address? How about having his mail forwarded to his attorney?

OR, ask the P.O. to hold HIS mail only at the P.O. for him to pick up.

thanks for the suggestions bellvue. i already feel much better with the locks changed. we did discuss some other things that needed to be changed as well - will work on them tomorrow.

thanks to all for coming along side me. thanks for your years of hard-earned wisdom. it really is hard to believe that he could ever again become a man that i vaguley recognize - but i guess that part is not up to me. i will just continue to do what is upt to me. i have a good friend who always says that we only have stewardship over our own lives. thanks again..

"Doggie door? Nail it shut"

LOL, Bellevue - that brought back the memory of Momto3Boys' physician WH crawling through the doggy door when she went to Plan B.

So did they have a big dog or was he a little man?

Oh wait, I already know. WS=little man. No, that's not even right. WS does not qualify as a man, does he?

You all have some crazy stories around here.

P,

It CAN happen. It DOES happen. I remember feeling the EXACT same way. I couldn't imagine him ever being a man worth having around again.

But P, let me tell you...

We had a wonderful marriage before the A. FWH even admits that now...after telling me during his alien abduction that he hadn't loved me for 13 years like a H should love a W. We were the couple people admired as having an awesome marriage. One of my best friends' daughter even told her mom that she hoped one day to find a man like my H because of how he treated me. (Needless to say, this all rocked her world in a major way...she had just gotten engaged when WH's A came out.)

All this to say, my FWH is more of a H to me now than he ever has been. I remember people telling me that if he came home and we got through this, we could have a better M than we ever did. I remember thinking, "What I had was really great...or at least it felt that way to me. It couldn't get any better than I thought it had been."

P, he IS a better man. God broke him and has begun to mold him and refine him into a MUCH better H. It drops me to my knees as I continue to witness this transformation.

Our God is a mighty God. Mel kept posting to me: All things are possible through Christ who strengthens me.

Draw strength from Christ because all things ARE possible.

it FEELS like angering him this way is just going to squash whatever hope is left, whatever good feelings he might still have for me. but clearly whatever he does still feel for me has not been enough to make any good choices, so maybe it's not worth that much to begin with? not something worth saving?

(and smb - did you get my email from justuss?)

Why would he be angry??? Because he now has some consequences for his horrid actions. Not your fault, you just stepped out of the way.

Let me ask you something I was asked just a few months ago (I think by Ace or MicheleG). Is the man you knew BEFORE the A worth fighting for?


I'm sorry, I forgot to send him my email. I will do that now.

so my intermediary said she's been doing back and forth contact with WH all day -- he is inisisting that my new terms are not acceptable, and that he will still use the house with the kids. she's preparing me that the way he sounds, when he comes to pick up the kids on sunday here, that he will try to get into the house with them (i had planned to have a neighbor here to hand them off, but now am worried). i have a call into my lawyer - but i am wondering myself right now, do i have ground to stand on in not letting him in the house?

(i am leaving in about half an hour for counseling, and then it will be our first new arrangment visitation, so i'd love to hear back from anyone soon, if possible)

P,

Is he coming to your HOME to pick up the kids?

I recommend you drop the kids off at intermediary's home and WS picks them up and returns them there.

Then, you lock your doors and LEAVE. Go shopping, go to a friends, go somewhere. Do not be home that evening or when he is dropping them off.

You are in control here, P. You've changed the locks. Do not be home during pick up and drop off times at the intermediary's so that he can't come to your home after he has the kids or to bring them home to you.

This is driving him nuts because he can't stand the thought of not getting his fix by seeing you. It is also driving him nuts because he is beginning to realize that he no longer controls you.

Stand firm, P. Do not have pick up or drop off take place at your residence and do not be home during that time.

And be sure that your intermediary understands that you should only be hearing from her pertinent information about the children. She is to filter out wayward babble.

What is not acceptable is a man leaving his children and wife.

P, if he finds these terms unacceptable he has options:

1. end his affair and come home to be the husband and father you deserve.

2. go to court and get an order that states otherwise.

Until either of these two things happen, continue on with your plan.

Just think, as things settle you won't have to deal with this kind of crap. You will be protected because you were firm with your Plan B boundaries from the beginning.

believer,

I guess I missed that post. Funny!

FYI, it is common practice for burglars to bring their younguns with them to go in through the doggie doors & open up the house. Gang members do this all the time. You never know......

pheonix..

all of us when first given boundaries...escalate attention seeking behaviors...almost all WS...get worse at first...weather the storm...

encourage your intermediary to NOT respond back and forth...
they must steel themselves against the ranting drama and send email reciepts that just say email received...

period...not futile powerstruggling...

fill your home up with his peers on sunday...strong supportive married friends that would be shocked at the rantings of a lunatic...

infact have a lovely brunch...or lunch...or christmas cheer gathering if that's something you do...

ark

Phoenix, why not have your intermediary email me and I can help her? like ark said, she should not be going back and forth. It doesn't matter a whit if your H finds the terms "unacceptable." Those are your terms. If he doesn't like them, he can end his affair and work out reconciliation.

I really wish I could talk to your intermediary. Can you have her email me at [email]ohmelodylane@aol.com?[/email]

And this is your problem because.........................?

you guys are great. (i had brought my laptop to my friends house, but her wireless wasn't working, so i JUST read all your great comments! - and yes, Mel, I will see if i can send you my interm.'s email address)

so here's the current lowdown:
talked to my lawyer. he told me to have my Int. send him an email saying bascially, 'her lawyer is aware of the new terms. The papers were filed yeseterday. if you have any more problems, call him directly.' which he did, right away. he was really upset; doesn't understand why he can't be in the house when he pays all the bills, etc. NOT really upset that i filed for divorce, NOT really upset over my lengthy leter - just upset that he can't have everything his way. and easy. oh, how i wish i could tell him all the things that have NOT been easy for me this year!!

anyway, the lawyer calmed him down. sounds like he's going to try to make this work (i'm not feeling so afraid of what he might do) - but i am going to revise some things for the sunday visitation.

i guess he told our oldest son tonight that it was really unfair that he can't come in the house anymore since he pays all the bills. this kind of thing REALLY bothers me. do you ever get over the feeling of wanting to clear the air and make him see the truth of these deceptions?? does it actually get easier to shrug off, even if he's saying it to other people?

lastly, i just feel really (really) sad tonight. that he's just fine to proceed with the divorce. that really, unless God does some miraculous intervention, i will probably be divorced by the end of this winter. it still seems absolutely unbelievable to me..

PERFECT. I am very proud of you for doing this.


Upset that he can't control you any more. This is your LEVERAGE in plan B and your way of pulling him off the fence. He will try anything and everything to test your resolve BECAUSE he needs you in place in order to continue his affair. He needs to be able to have you perfectly in place while he goes out and plays. It threatens his PLAY TIME if he can't have you in control.

See how that works? So, he will try several different tactics to get you back under control. He has tried making DEMANDS and that didn't work. He will likely next try GUILT. Next will come some negotiation, such as "I will consider dumping the OW in the future IF you will stay in contact with me." [false promises]

Just be prepared.


He would not care. He is self will run riot now and does not comprehend your interests.


What are you going to revise?


Other people, including your little ones should be told the truth, that he has left the family for his adulterous affair and that you want him to come back. But not if he is still having his affair. Tell your son, phoenix.

i know you feel sad. You should feel sad. But the actions you have taken bring you much closer to the possibility of RECONCILIATION than you were yesterday. You are in a tough position, p, and tough positions require tough tactics sometimes. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{phoenix}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Philippians 4:13

awesome post. thankyou.
words i need to hear right now.
i did tell my (oldest) sons yesterday -- it went as well as i think it could. and i did make it clear to them tonight that if daddy wanted to be in the house, he could, he know what to do - he is the one making the choice not to do it. i just don't know when responding to these things gets them stuck in the middle?

my plan sunday was to have neighbors come here to do the hand-off, so maybe i can have him pick them up at their houses instead..?

so what if he doesn't try anything else? what if he decides that what he really wants he is about to get, and just pursues the divorce hard now? like i said at the beginning, i think part of what he really wants is what all his (single, unmarried) friends at work have-- freedom. so he can still feel like he's a fantastic dad every other weekend, and get his freedom the rest of the time. what do i do with that? just kind of stand back and let things play out as they will from now on?

I think that would be the best idea. After all this, you don't want to appear to be backing down.


You have no control over what he chooses, phoenix.


Yes, you have no control and never did. The only thing you can control is your own boundaries, and you are doing a stellar job of that. I am very sorry you don't have a mother to rely upon. But very relieved that you have some good friends there to help you.