This is somewhat of a vent, but does anybody else ever feel like nobody "gets" it. What part of "you shouldn't cheat on your spouse" do people not get. I look back over the last few years and can't help but think if any one of the people along the way had just spoken up, things would be better. And its not like I've been surrounded by "bad" people.

Depressing. I sometimes wonder if I'm just resisting change and everybody else has just decided A's, selfishness, burying your head in the sand, etc. is just the way to be.

There's still that mode of thinking that "I don't want to get involved." I've seen cases where a friend tells the BS and the WS denies it so the friendship is threatened. Sometimes the BS just isn't ready to deal with it yet.

Bottom line though, is that nobody wants to get in the middle. Those outside of the MB circle just don't understand that exposure is key.

I agree with you rprynne,

I just found out that my wife is pregnant from the OM and I feel I have, other than on this board, really no one who will see this as being awful.

I'll get some sympathy, but really, no understanding of the parody of marriage, of the scandalous tragedy this is.

DLK

I don't know where this comes from either.

I think as a society we've actually romanticised the affair.. it seems to work in romance novels and movies right?


God's commandments are -NOT- suggestions.

I carried around a lot anger (and still can't talk to certain people) regarding the ones who stood by and didn't tell me about my ex-fiance'. They would rather see my and my DD's life destroyed than open up their mouths I guess.

We just have to set examples now. I have found that when I do open my mouth to object to some behavior that is not ethical towards family or marital and even basic human decency to not harm...most others will open up and you find they really do feel the same way. Almost like they need permission to first.

I was on vacation with my husband and his mom and her boyfriend (in seventies) and the boyfriend had such a dirty mouth, wanted to go to strip joints, kept talking about the looks of women we would see...

And my MIL didn't say anything. I finally said to her boyfriend (well common in law husband really) that he was very disrespectful and to give it up because my husband was not going to any strip joint with him...

Then my husband spoke up and asked him to watch his mouth, and then my MIL finally started opening her mouth to tell him to be quiet when he started with the dirty mouth stuff.

I think we just have to set an example and maybe more people would speak up and say it is not okay.. they'll start speaking up to protect others from harm as well as marriages. Affairs harm the affairee too, so staying quiet to protect a friend who is cheating is about the most misquided idea of protection I can think of...but I was quilty of it in the past...never again.

Like Committed, I and others mentioned on the flirting thread about the company thing and setting examples.

rp,

I was watching "Forensic Files" late last night. The story was about a young (32 year old) firefighter who had died under unusual circumstances. He gotten increasingly sick with what he thought was a stomach virus....and suddenly died. The family was suspicious, but the coroner said that his death was from natural causes....heart condition.....and so they couldn't interest the police in further investigation.

Shortly after the funeral however, the mother of this man recieved a sympathy note from a mother in the next town over. Apparently, she'd heard about the death and had experienced a similar loss the previous year....her son...a police officer had died unexpectedly with similar circumstances.

Turns out....of course....that these mothers had more in common than their dead sons....they had a daughter-in-law in common too. Long story short....the DIL was poisoning her husbands with anti-freeze to collect the insurance money. (That was before they gave anti-freeze a taste so bitter it couldn't be disquised by sweet foods....DIL used tea).

Anyway....the whole reason I shared this is because one of the people they interviewed on the show was the bestfriend of the first husband. He KNEW that something was screwy....but couldn't prove it.

However....and this is a BIG however <OMG> he mentioned that his friend had confided that he and his wife had not made love more than twice in the previous year. The friend said he KNEW that she was boinking other people.....but didn't think it was his PLACE to say anything.

Holy Crap!! If your bestfriend won't tell you....who in God's name will???? What a tragedy....an avoidable tragedy!! What kind of people don't tell their friends or family that their spouse is a cheater? And why not?

People don't get it....you're right. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Everyone at Wayzilla's workplace knew of her and Gollums affair up to and including the General Manager. I had worked with them all for over three years and considered many (including Gollum) as friends. Not a peep.

If any of them had given me the heads up back in the early Fall of '06 I may have had a real chance.

The people here feel my pain. That's why I come here. I feel that when I took my marriage vows that it was for a lifetime. And so many people feel that marriage is disposable & that I can just move on and get over it and it's no big deal. And I too have a hard time talking to them now. It sickens me inside.

Sort of what I'm lamenting. I'm not saying that my view of the world was that everyone around would rise up in vehement protests. But I'd like to think at least somebody would throw a speed bump in the way or something.

People just seem to get on board. "Cheating on your husband? Why?"; "Not happy - good enough for me."

The one that sticks in my craw were the Christmas Cards. "Hope you and OM are having a nice holiday." Maybe its too much to ask that they don't send the card, but do they have to personalize it with well wishes for OM.

I know exactly what you are saying!!! Everyone wants to stay neutral "in case it works out" there won't be any bad feelings with the WS. In the beginning it brothered me so much how his brother would offer financial support for me AND my WH, even though he did not like what he was doing to me and our kids! My WH was still his BROTHER. Really, we live in a society where morals and vows truly are meaningless. "You're not HAPPY or DEPRESSED, so your cheating is justified." Like someone FORCED them to cheat! Please, they knew what they were doing, BUT just DIDN"T CARE who got HURT!

Okay...done ranting!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Not a single one of my x-laws spoke up in opposition to my WXH's adultery. The few who confided to me secretly that they didn't approve of his adultery kept their mouths shut around WXH... while the others openly applauded WH's adultery and played 'let's bash the BW' with WH at X-law fammily get togethers and on X-law fmaily webpage. Of course my WH interpeted their silence as 'support' - not neutrality, let alone opposition to the adultery and wife bashing.

I don't have anything to do with any of the X-laws becuase as far as I'm concerned they ALL supported WXH's destruction of our marriage and family... in one way or the other.

Being able to come to this site has helped me a lot over the years. It does give reassurance that not everyone is pro-adultery.

Family SO make the best enablers don't they.

I agree with every word spoken on this thread

People that were your friends are the worst in my opinion.

I, actually, we, my wife and I, lost several "friends" as a result of my W's A. Several mutual friends knew and said nothing, a few that I went to for advice knew and said nothing, which imo was actively enabling the A.

I don't really regret that loss at all though. It was a horrible way to find out who your friends are.

One couple, lifelong friends of both my wife and I, stayed true through the whole thing. He was the best man in our wedding, she was a bridesmaid. She did not condone the A, and did the best she could to help us. Of course, my W did not see it that way during the A, but we are still all friends now, and thier friendship does not appear to have been damaged.

So, standing up and doing what is right does not appear to endanger real friendships. WS are wayward not only to thier spouse, but to themselves and everyone else as well is about the only tentative conclusion I can draw from that.

And I am uber-sensitive to infidelity in the media anymore! Its something I had never really noticed anymore, but it is absolutely incredibly how cavalier the popular attitude is towards something that is in reality so ugly! I guess the same claim can be made regarding violence.

Lurking here for a long while, but couldn't pass this one up.

No, everybody is not crazy. Everybody has their own sh*t to deal with, and the cold, hard truth is that they don't want to deal with yours too. You just never know who in your family or your circle of friends has suffered the tragedy of infidelity. Perhaps they don't need or want the reminder. Perhaps it is a painful trigger for them when they are desperately trying to make the most out of the pathetic scraps of their OWN lives. Not one person here knows what goes on behind closed doors. To think that every single person of your aquaintance should heed your cry to battle is arrogant and thoughtless.

And I will tell you, blood is ALWAYS thicker than water. Of course families are going to support their own. How could any of you think otherwise? Are you that full of yourselves?

Grow up. Affairs happen. They've been happening since the beginning of time. They happen in every society, in every religion. Affairs are REAL. Affairees even marry and have little babies and live happily ever after. IT HAPPENS PEOPLE! You can cry and pout and stomp your feet about the unfairness of it all, but you cannot make it go away! As long as their are unmet needs and unenforced boundaries there will be affairs. You put sh*t into a marriage, you will get sh*t out. You reap what you sow. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. How many different ways can it be said?

I will tell you exactly what happens when some guy in the office finds out his wife is leaving him for another man. He is shocked and dismayed and loses 20 lbs in two weeks. He spends his day surfing the web looking for ways to bring her back. He sends flowers. He buys gifts. He is bewildered and crushed and disbelieving. But you know what? Behind his back, people are sniggering. And they're sniggering because he had a beautiful wife whom they heard him speak like sh*t to on the phone time and time again. He had a beautiful wife at home but he spent seventy hours a week working, only to hit the golf course with his buds on Saturday, leaving her to deal with the kids yet again. They watched him ignore her at company picnics and Christmas parties. They saw him flirt with other women in her presence. I could go on and on. And then the jerk gets dumped and tries to play the victim....oh, is it ever laughable!! I will tell you, no one feels sorry for him. His cronies, his friends, his family....most of them believe he finally got what was coming to him.

THAT is reality, folks.

Merry friggin' Christmas.

AOK

And since when is “breaking up” with your mate equal to a divorce?

We didn’t get a chance to use any of the tools present on this site. OM parents even lived with them as they were building house. Enabling all the way. You would think that WW must have painted me as a monster but … No, like others say… “she was not happy”…, “your couple was not doing well”… Any justification goes to give free reign to the affaire and give no chance to the wise period of stability of marriage.

AOK,

You've nailed it. Why didn't the rest of us realize that it was all out fault that our wives or husbands cheated on us? Here we thought that each person makes their own choices in life and is responsible for those choices. Wow...And to think that we've all been so deluded all along and the research by Dr Harley is just a bunch of garbage. Nothing will save our marriages because we're all just a bunch of worthless chumps.

Should have seen that before. Thanks for pointing it out to us. Maybe we should all just give up and join the other 50% of married people getting divorced.

That's what I'll do. Instead of going home to the wife I spent 34 years with and fought so hard to keep in spite of her wanting to run off to live in a bigger house while I held the house and family together that I've decided that it was really me that had the problem and the solution is to get divorced and she can move to the other state to be with OM...Oh, wait, he's already seeing three other women and is still married to his wife of 33 years...

Well, perhaps she can find somebody else that will fight for her...

<Descriptive deleted before posting since Justuss would get around to it anyway>

Mark

PS Do you have ANY idea what you're talking about?

Aaron,

You registered for THAT?

Perhaps you did not notice the sign on the door.

This is Marriage Builders! A SUPPORT forum!!

Please follow the TOS you agreed to when you registered.

And read the Marriage Builders Concepts & Principles!

Any questions, email me........

I'm sorry this happened to you, Aarron.
Mulan

Research by Dr. Harley? Dr. Harley says on this very website that AFFAIRS are CREATED by UNMET NEEDS. Not by spouses lacking integrity. Not by spouses with a bankrupt system of morals. But by a marriage in which one or both partners stopped caring/nurturing/loving. Affairs exist because they meet our spouses' most important emotional needs. THAT is what Dr. Harley says.

Mark, glad your marriage worked out. Mine did not.

AOK

Aaron ain't no BS although ***edit***.

I'd say he's an OM.