If he has anger issues, miss, then that is very different problem. Apparently, he is not safe to be around so you probably shouldn't move home.

This is the very reason that it is important to be 100% open with the people that you are asking for help.

They have given you advice to return home...all the time that it is UNSAFE for you there.

Some VITAL information was withheld that would make their advice different.

Are you at a women's shelter?

Did you seek help from the domestic abuse?

committed

mis,

This changes things. Call a shelter. Describe his behavior. Ask them if that is abusive. OK?

I can't remember. Is your son living with you or WH?

hello everyone-
I am so sorry that I did not let this information out sooner. Like I said tho, i am kind of embarassed about it all. My best friends do not even know. It is not a "pattern" of his regular behavior. I am a bit afraid but not for my life. This behavior for him is so new along with alot of other behaviors. I will still go back home.(all I have done is brought a carload) but I will have someone stay with us tonight? I called a womans hotline and told them about the behaviors and they agreed that it is abuse but it is not a behavior. It has not been repetitive. Basically told me to kepp an eye on it and have someone with me if he will be around just to be safe.

Again, I am so sorry for leaving this out. it was intentional and disrespectful of me to not place all my trust in you all. I guess I needed to "feel the waters" a bit first?

Only you know if you feel safe with him. If you don't then don't go home.

If you do go home, and he gets violent with you, then you call the police and have him removed from the home. Easy as that. If he can't respect you, he will respect the cops.

And I sure hope that you never HIT HIM.

miss, have you ever hit or pushed him?

NEVER!!! I tried to slap him when I found out about the affair but I used my Left hand(i am R. handed) and had bad aim and got him with two fingers instead. I felt like an idiot.
I am a VERY non violent person. I just don't understand it. I don't understand what the need is for it.

Just so you all know, I am MOSTLY moved in. I went to the house this evening with my sister to bring in a few more boxes. I was going to write a list of the things I brought just in case he was there when I was not and decided to do something with my stuff. I grabbed a note pad and it was my WH "list" of what he was going to take!
Food
Whole bedroom
All furniture(couch, chair, kitchen table)
silverware
fridge
lawnmower
NATTIES THINGS even!!
I bought the furniture myself when I was pregnant with our first child.
lawnmower and fridge were purchased this summer by me as well.
Any advice on how to get him to NOT take those things?
I think I might need a new plan now.
I am confused. Not sure if I have it in me to try anymore. Not after seeing his behavior these last two days. I know I kinda brought some of it on myself but would he have reacted different if I had just moved in? I don't think so. I guess I will never know.
He seems pretty adament on this being over for good.
But...I have read alot of success storys too. And I realize now that he is not my H. He is my WH and someway, somehow, I need to pull him out of it.

Don't love bust, argue, cry or beg.

They ALL say they are done and are very adament about it. But that doesn't mean anything.

Tell him you would prefer that he NOT move out, but you can't keep him like a jailer.

It is going to take some time to get things back on track.

As far as the things, you are going to have to get an attorney to get an order on not removing family things from the home.

And come on, he just "happened" to leave the list there for you to see? I had a list too, and I kept it away from my WH. He may be trying to scare you out.

I will be talking to my attorney again tomorrow in the a.m. WH says he will be taking off work then to move some stuff. So I need to make sure I am there when he is. Not somewhere else. The list was upside down on the counter. He did not think I was going to be home today. I told him I would not discuss it with our son around and he never called to ask. Soooo...don't think he planned on me finding it. I am sure he doesn't think I have the balls to just MOVE IN. Which I wouldn't if it weren't for all of you kicking my [censored] today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thinking of you this morning, Mis.

You need immediate legal action. My lawyer advised me that he could not remove from the family home anything but his personal belongings. Get your lawyer to act on this now.

Think about the husband you had before you lost your daughter and before the affair. Is THAT man worth fighting for? (Same question was asked of me.) If yes or if maybe, then keep with the Plan as MB lays out. If not, file for divorce and protect yourself in everyway.


I am so sorry you are going through this.

Stopped in to say hello.
I left a message for my lawyer this morning. Waiting for a call back.
Things are okay so far. WH stayed with OW lastnight. He took off of work today to "move" things. Says he will be out by Wed. I don't think it should take him that long. After all, I got all my personal stuff out in about 4 hours.
I have a feeling OW will be helping him move. He still does not know we are there. So if OW comes to the house with him I will call the cops and have her arrested. I was told by a friend who is a cop that if she is not "welcome" by one of the home owners, she can be arrested for harassment and tresspassing. YAY!
I am going to protect myself in every way,shape,and form until either:
A: I can get the man I married back(not WH) or...
B: The divorce is final(but I think I still want to fight to get my H back)
I will be back in here later today.
Thanks again!
God Bless,
Luv YA!

Mis,

I am sorry. I know this is not the way you want things to go and I know how much this hurts. My FWH left the home for a time, too.


You go, girl! It's YOUR FAMILY'S HOME and she has no business there. I am glad you have someone to help you with those "legal" questions.


Good for you. You will find help here about how to do that. Keep posting.



It sounds like you are not throwing in the towel just yet. You are now home where you and your son and any other member of the family who chooses to act like it, should be.

Next step:

Exposure of the affair. Start making a list of people of influence in WS's life. Family, friends, work, Bible study, etc. Also, include OW's spouse and parents on your list. You will contact these people and tell them your WH is having an affair and has left his family. You will inform them that you are fighting for your family and ask for their support. Do you see how exposure is not about revenge? It is about exposing the truth and hopefully finding some allies to apply pressure to WS to do the right thing. The purpose of exposure is to bring the ugliness of the affair out into the light of day. This takes the fantasy lala out of it, and they begin to face some serious consequences.

Then come here and tell us about your list and get more info from the vets about how to expose. DO NOT WARN your spouse that you are going to tell anyone. He will get to them first and twist everything, just like WS's rewrite history.

Also, I don't know if the vets will recommend Plan A or B. I assume Plan A for a short time as much as possible with him out of the home. Then onto Plan B. But wait to here from the vets to help you formulate a plan and a timeline.

Just start preparing for exposure. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY deal with legally protecting your home and its belongings, your finances, and your child.

Take good care of yourself. Be sure to eat something everyday and try to get some rest. I know this is hard. But you will get through it.

Keep posting and wait for some replies from the folks who've been here awhile (longer than me).

Kudos on moving back in, MAL.

LA

SMB-
Thank you for your encouraging words. MUCH appreciated.
I exposed the A as soon as I found out about 3 months ago. My H at the time wanted to work on our marriage so he actually exposed it to his own family. I took care of friends and my family and his co-workers. But...still need to with the OW's family. Just having a hard time getting ahold of her last name.
Should I send them letters or call them? I think I will use EXACTLY what you said.(if you don't mind) I will be back again later to get more things.
THANKS A TON!!!
Luv YA!
God bless

OH NO! I just spent 45 min posting and the darn thing got erased!!!! AAARRRGGGHHH!!! I will try again in a bit.
real quick tho, Things went good and I talked to WH and that even went GREAT!

Figure out how to get their name, and talk to them personally if possible. I think the OW may be a Christian, and thus hubby's interest in Christian radio. Maybe not, but if so, exposure will cause more problems.

Actually I know you don't want him to live with her, but that will really end the affair faster.

Okay everyone, I will try this again.
Went home lastnight to bring some more stuff and left my son with my mom in case WH was there. He was. At first he just seemed p-o'ed. I kept my cool and did a bit of Plan A work. And by golly...WH left and H came back!!! WOW! I have done plan A over the phone with him(being calm,kind,and curtious,and loving) and it had little effect. What a difference to do it in person. He told me what my LB was(snyde remarks) and I told him what his were(lying). Neither one of us took offense to what the other had to say. It was soooo nice!
He still says it is too late! but lastnight gave me some hope. He just said he was not willing to put his guard down around me. Cuz he tried for 2 years and all I did was push him away. So eventually he quit trying and quit talking. I told him that I was sorry I did not realize what I was doing till about a week after I moved to my moms. But now I see it and now it is MY turn to try. He said he appreciated that I noticed what it is that went wrong but it is too late.
He also said " Do you honestly think this is what I wanted for us? For our family?"
He admitted that he was totally off his rocker with the whole A thing and with him introducing our son to OW.(1st time ever admitting fault) But he also gave me the impression that now there is another OW! What do I do about that? how do I find out for sure without asking him. Or should I ask him?
I left the house on GREAT terms, we both thanked eachother for having such a nice conversation and wanted to keep that up. We were both crying. I know I am not supposed to when I am around him but sometimes I jsut can't help myself. And it did not seem to affect him negatively.
So...I guess my question is...
Where do I go from here???
Thanks to all for your encouragement and I am sorry if I seemed a bit crazy the last few days, but I get myself worked up soooo easy!!

Luv Always,
God bless
T-

It seems like doing a really good Plan A is in order.

At the same time, find out everything you can about OW (both of them). They need exposed to their families. This will put pressure on OW to end the A.

It does feel good when you get a peek at H once in a while. But remember, WS is not leaving without a battle. Put on your armour and be ready. Plan A no matter who is there.

Continue to seek legal counsel for to protect your home & belongings, your finances and your son. WS may get really p.o'd in the days ahead as his A fantasy falls apart. He'll need someone to take it out on. Guess who that is?

Plan B is not far behind, so read all you can about both Plans. There are some real experts on here that can help you with both plans. Post here often and hear how they did it.

Plan A is NOT doormat behavior. Let us know if you understand the difference.

And remember, yes, both spouses attribute to creating an environment for an affair, but you are in NO WAY responsible for the affair. That's all his.