It is nice to see the true spouse from time to time isn't it? However, I caution you to not buy into it completely. The WS is still there and in charge, and will likely at some point come back and slap you in the face with what you thought was a good exchange, turning everything you thought was going well against you. Those types of flipflops can really get to you too, suck the wind right outta your sails.

Really understand Plan A. Attack the As with every tool you can, and maintain the firm stance with your H that you want the marriage, you believe in the M, and are looking forward to working on it with him when he is willing to end his A's.

Now, you know what works and you should do it more often.


Saying sorry is almost always not enough. You have to use actions to prove that you've changed.



Whatever you choose to do, make sure you continue with your Plan A for now.


You know now that there is hope.


BA

Hello everyone!!!
What a long weekend! OW called the house. I did not answer cuz I did not recognize the #. I called it back and her voicemail picked up so I knew it was her. AAARRRGGGHHH! I was soooo p.o.'d. But I kept my cool for a whole day about it. The next day WH called. I was doing a really good plan A and told him that she called and asked him to let her know that he decided to move out and is not living there anymore. He was fine with that but did not believe me that she called(of course). The rest of the conversation went well and he asked me if I would keep the dog. I said yes but knew it was only cuz if he had the dog, it would interfere with his time with OW. So...I let my stupid hot head get the best of me and got mad at him and told him that his girlfried calling is UNACCEPTABLE and since he is choosing to have the OW in his life that it is his responsibility to have some control over her innapropriate behavior. That went over like a fart in church!!!OF COURSE! I get so mad at myself sometimes. Why couldn't I just let it be? Why did I even tell him that she called???
So then he called her and she denied it (of course) and said she was at work and waaaayyy too busy and that there was no way she could have called and said she could prove it with the cameras at work! Then he proceeded to call me a nutcase and said that he worries that something is really wrong upstairs with me if I have to come up with these "imaginary" alligations. I then told him that of course my mind is off a bit I JUST lost our Daughter 7 months ago! That I have not had the opportunity to "heal" from her death properly cuz of everything that has gone on with him and I since. That I am JUST NOW starting to deal with her death and if he was really soooooo concerned about my mental health he would have been adult like and asked me how I was doing instead of throwing out the "crazy" card in the middle of a heated argument in front of our son!

So, he still thinks I made up the phone call, and that I have an internal informant at his work.(Ido not by the way) I did have a woman who works with the both of them call me and ask me how I was doing and I told her flat out NOT GOOD! She asked what was going on and I said well..." My WH is still seeing SO and SO(OW)( I said her name cuz my WH said that everyone there knew especially this woman) and she was FLOORED!!!!! She had no clue! She knew he was seeing someone, but had no IDEA that the OW was a coworker. Especially this one.
My WH found out I talked to this womam (i do not regret it and I told him I do not have to explain myself) and was SOOO ANGRY and said that I have had her as my informant from day 1 and that I have had her spying on the 2 of them. GEEZE! Think he is paranoid??? I told him he can believe whatever he wishes but that is the silliest thing I have ever heard and that I do all my "spying" on my own and am not going to involve mutual friends to do it for me. Arguing stopped when I calmed down and started a little plan A'ing again. Tho he still thinks I am crazy. And maybe I am a little bit but [email]S@#T[/email], who wouldn't be?!

So that is the story of my weekend and I did see him today to pick up our little man and showed him the scrapbook pages I made for him last night(plan A'ing again) and he complimented me on my work and ability to do them for him.

One concern tho...what do I do if my son comes home and says that OW was there? The poor little guy can't deal with all of that right now. He gets REALLY upset if her name is even brought up!!! I have a couple friends with her same name and when I am even talking about them he gets really quiet and will not talk to me.Poor kid!

Any advice or responses to my NOVEL would be much appreciated.

P.S. I found pics of OW and she is fat and ugly. I don't want anyone to think I am conceited but I seriously thought she would have been some Knock OUT! My WH is very handsome and I am no ugly duckling myself. I am a bit overweight but CRIPES she looks like a LINEBACKER! Is it normal for them(WH's) to go complete opposite of what the spouse is? I am kinda happy she is not very cute tho. Now I know that all I have to compete with is personality. NOT personality and looks.

Sorry this is so long. Just lots to say
Luv YA ALL!!!
God Bless

Yes, it is very common for them to affair down.

You really need to stop the LB's. Stop the angry outbursts, stop the disrespectful judgements.

missalot, do you have a caller id or some type of phone statement that you can get from the phone company? If so, you can prove to your H that you're not crazy AND that the OW is a liar.

Do you have any insight as to why they tend to affair down?

I know, it is just so hard sometimes. I really want you to know that I am trying really hard. Any suggestions on how to handle new developments? Should I just not tell him? I know that if I didn't it would definately avoid all arguments but on the other hand, I would feel like I am not standing up for myself?

I do have caller ID. That is why I did not answer the phone and just called it back instead. I deleted the # along with many others in a childish fit! HOW STUPID!!!
But, I did call the phone company and guess what? I WAS wrong!!!I must have pushed the previous button on the caller ID! She had called the day before! What do I do? Should I admit to him that I was wrong and apologize? Now I really DO feel CRAZY!!! I sure seem to mess things up pretty fast. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

One thing is for sure, if it was ever brought up, you can not lie about it.

I think it might be a good idea to do it in person when you see him again and calmly explain the situation and apologize to HIM only, forget about her. Let's see what others have to say.

When I first came on here I wanted everyone to respond immediately and fix the problem asap. I thought my M depended on it. Orchid and others always tell people to breathe. Time is on your hands. I HATED that statement. HATED it, but we are in a battle that needs to be done carefully and with the help of people from here. As I am often told...wait on the lord for directions. I am sure a way shortened version, but you can get the message.

As Mimi tells me ALL the TIME, there is no COMPETITION between you and OW. Trust me when I tell you my WH affaired to the gutter and below. So this isn't about THEM.

If you are working Plan A, you need to BE the BEST you want to BE for YOU. They are recipients of all that is good in us and learning what life could be LIKE if they came HOME.

I totally know how hard it is to not think of this as a competition, but please listen to what people tell you.

They have walked before us and KNOW.

SG

WS pretty much have to "affair down". Think about it. Who with any self respect and any kind of real relationship options wants to mess around with a married person? Doing so essentially starts them off in 2nd place, getting the dregs of whatever time the WS can give them, sneaking around, not being able to go out and be proud of who they are with. They start out being a shameful secret, then they break participate in the breakup of a marriage and family and no one respects that. Kinda hard to get a quality individual to participate in something like that.

If they work together, have you exposed to thier work? That would be a positive step you could take.

Tyk-
Thanks for your encouraging words. I have exposed to the workplace. WH also told me that everyone even knew all about it a few weeks ago and with who. So the other day, I thought to myself, Why would I beleive that? I am going to call so and so at his work and find out if they do all know who it is with. The woman I called works in the same department as OW and has a desk RIGHT next to hers. I had to call this lady anyways for a question I had abut the house we bought from her. So she called me back when she got home and absolutley did NOT know that the OW was her co-worker. She thought it was some random chick from the city they work in! SHE WAS SHOCKED to say the least. So then they all worked together the next day and this lady talked to my WH and said she was going to spread it around.
WH called me and chewed me a new one about exposing the A. He said "I don't know why you thought you needed to do that? I told you that they all know already." YUP! precicesly why I did it. HE LIED AGAIN!
So he is mad but oh well. What do I care. I still have hope he will pull out of it soon. Or even someday eventually.

LUV YA ALL!
God Bless

OH YEAH! I almost forgot. I have been told by many people that she is light hearted and a free spirit. Everyone seemed to like her alot. Not so much anymore.
I USED to be all those things and then my world was turned upside down in May and I am just now getting some of my old self back! YIPPIE!

Be happy around your husband; people are drawn to others who are happy. Keep it up.

Sounds like you are doing fine. Are you living in your home now?

Mis,

Just checking in with you to see how you are doing. Can you briefly tell us where things are now?

You are at home with your son, right? Where is he staying? Has he moved out all his personal stuff? Have you been reading the articles here? Are you understanding Plan A? How about Plan B?

Good job on the exposure. Try to keep your head about you when you do it. I know how hard that is. I think a call into your WH's boss is in order. A calm, to the point call. Something like, "I feel it is important for you to have this information as it does affect how they spend their time on the job." And isn't he her supervisor? If so, include that this situation is just a sexual harrassment lawsuit waiting to happen when the affair falls apart." Tell his boss your hope is to reconcile with your WH and would appreciate his support. You could also follow up the call with a letter to human resources that they will put in his and her files.

If I remember correctly, you haven't done much exposing yet? Is that correct? If so, it is time to consider who to expose to and get it done. My first round of exposure was to:

his parents

my parents

our children (ages 7-17)

OW's H (but I never could get in touch with him)

3 of our close friends (I chose them VERY CAREFULLY. They have been prayer warriors throughout this whole ordeal--continuously tag-teaming me to check on me and praying for reconciliation the whole way through.)

the Soke at our martial arts school (my husband is an instructor under him)

His cousin (best man at our wedding) and wife (they, too, were some of my strongest supporters)

Because of this exposure, FWS was lovingly confronted by his cousin and by the husband of one of the 3 friends above (our families have been close for years)

Of course, my FWS did not respond well to the confrontation at the time. But it was one of those things that planted seeds that brought fruit later.

Just remember, keep this mindset when exposing: Your goal is not to hurt WS or get revenge, although he will most definitely see it that way. And it can be easy to "go there". I saw exposure as another way to love my husband and fight for him. I saw it as a weapon to defeat the enemy, which was the wayward alien and satan. When I exposed, I told the truth about the affair, I expressed my concern for my husband, and I was sure to tell them that I wanted to save my marriage and asked for their support.


I did do another wave of exposure a few months later, which was much broader and defintely brought the ugly affair out into the daylight. And I had prepared a third list that I was getting ready to implement when FWS finally defogged. That third list was HIS circle that I was not involved in. Someone from his men's Bible study and a couple key people at his business.



Oh, and here's a tip about posting here so that you won't lose what you type before you hit submit. Type up your post. Then scroll over it all to highlight it. Then hold down the ctrl key and press "C". This will copy your post. Then click submit. If it says your time has expired and you lost your post. Go back to your thread, and click reply again. Then put your cursor in the post box and hold down ctrl and press "V". This will paste the post you copied earlier. Then you can hit continue and submit. Voila, your post is submitted. It is sooooo frustrating to lose all your typing, been there, done that.

missalot, how have you been?

Miss, how are your holidays going?

Hello everyone-
I just got my computer at home set up today!!! I have not had time to check things out on it at my moms. So, here I am. LOTS HAS HAPPENED!!!
My holidays were okay. I invited my whole side of the family over to my house for Christmas. Normally we go to my sisters house but I just could not bear being away from home. See, that is where I feel my little girl presence. I felt that if I was not here, it would feel like I was leaving her behind. Sounds kinda strange but it just did not feel right to me to not be home.
A week b-4 Christmas, WH was getting alot of heck from everyone at work. I had spoke with OW boss and her boss talked to my WH the next day. WH was LIVID!!! Threatened to file harrasment on OW's boss!! Told boss she was way out of line and to keep her nose in her own business. Later on that evening, WH called me at home and FREAKED out on me. I stayed on the phone because I wanted to get as much info out of him as possible. He said he was not going to our son's caroling event cuz he cant stand being in the same room as me or the same vecinity. Screamed,swore,told me how much he HATED me etc... Then the big bang came...WH told me he was going to send me to Fing jail! I asked for what reasons and he just kept screaming YOU ARE GOING TO FING JAIL!!! I asked if he would really do that to his son's mother and he said WHATEVER IT TAKES!!!I asked him if he would go as far as lying(cuz he has nothing on me to get me arrested) to do that and he said AGAIN, WHATEVER IT TAKES!! Then he said he was going to come get our son and take him!
I had had enough verbal abuse at that time and I spoke to my lawyer the next day and he suggested a restraining order. I filed that day. Court was 2 days after Christmas. I dropped charges, got custody, divorce to be started immidiately. However, the nasty behavior still continues. WH brought 25 people to court to testify against me. For what? I don't know. His whole family and some extended family were there too. And the OW! His family is actually supporting his relationship with her!WTF!!!!!?????
After court, he came to get some of his things. Still rude to me as well as his father. WH's parents did not even call our son on Christmas or New Year. My son and I saw WH's mother in town and my son wanted to say hello to her and she ignored him cuz he was with me. Poor kid started to cry and ask why gramma won't talk to him.
Our son stayed with WH 2 nights ago and when I called to say goodnight to him, I found out OW was there too and she was getting ready to give my son a bath!!I was FURIOUS but kept calm. Also found out they were all going to have a "sleepover" all in the same BED!
So, monday I will have to contact my lawyer again, and try to get something resolved there.
Lastnight was the pickup night with my son. I started my new job so I could not make it to pick him up at the scheduled time(which we ALL knew for 2 weeks) and I had arranged for someone else to do it. She got there(someone we were both friends with and my son ADORES her and her family) and WH would not let our son go with her. I had contacted my lawyer early that morning and let him know there would be a change in plans for pick up and he contacted WH's lawyer and WH's lawyer contacted WH. So...I was covered. WH's mother was yelling at my friend and it made her 4 year old cry. WH's mother brought my son to work and she was totally belligerant! She THREW A CARSEAT AT ME!!! WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? I don't even know them anymore. I told her that this type of behavoir is absolutely unnecessary and unacceptable. She laughed and said oh really? I told her that we are both adults and need to act as such. She told me she was just trying to be civil. I told her "I am terribly sorry if you feel you are being civil and I hate to tell you but right now you are not doing a very good job of it." Then she said"So, what is it that you are doing?" I told her that I am simply an adult and a mother who cares deeply for her son. She laughed and got in her car and sped off.
WHY CAN'T THEY JUST LET ME GET ON WITH MY LIFE ALREADY! They were the ones who wanted all of this yet I am the one being nice and civil.

Soooo...that is it in a nutshell. Oh yeah, I also got all of them a memorial ornament for Christmas. Not ONE thank-you out of 7 sent!!!

God Bless

Miss, I feel so deeply for all you're going through. You are doing a remarkable job. Just remember - you are the sane one. My XH's mother wsa awful to me. I've still got all her emails. I decided that no matter how I was treated by her or WH, I would be civil and kind.

My XH recently told my sister-in-law that I was the only person in all this that acted like a Christian. He said I was the bigger person.

Keep yourself out of the drama wherever possible. Be kind and civil (but not a walk-over) and in the end there will be no doubt in any of their minds as to the kind of woman you are (and they have lost). You will be deeply respected for it (whether they will ever admit it or not).

I don't think I've posted to you before - but your story is the one that breaks my heart the most. I admire how you are handling everything on top of suffering the loss of a dear daughter - something I cannot even fathom. You are a strong and courageous woman and God is walking alongside you.

{{{{{ missalot }}}}}

Kudos to you for being the better person in all this. I am so sorry that MIL is being so hateful as to take it out on an innocent child! Throwing a carseat... maybe you should get a restraining order against her?

Good thinking to keep in close touch with your lawyer, keeping him informed of all changes in pick-ups, for example.

Are you following a plan, like Plan A or Plan B?

Where you live, can you get a court order saying that the OW can't "sleep over" while your DS is there?