In 2005 I attended real estate class for 2 weeks, where I met a very interesting man. After becomming fast friends, I found out he had a son with his girlfriend of 6 yrs but was in the midst of leaving her. He moved out 3 weeks after we met, when I was on a cruise with my family and contacted me to let me know if we could go on a date. I said sure. Our early dating life was filled with drama as she learned of me, the new girlfriend, and called my house constantly, called his cell, called my cell and left threatening msgs, drove by my work, drove by my house, etc.

Six months after dating I found out I was pg, so we decided to get married. It had been 10 yrs since my first divorce and I was in love and ready to commit to this man. We married in April 2006 and the first time he cheated on me was May 2006, not even one month after we were married. It was with his ex-girlfriend. When I found out, I was devastated, pregnant and only had a part time job. The OW was the one who called and told me and she was very happy to rub it in. His first reaction was to be mad at me, say he made a mistake marrying me and he cared about us both.
We struggled to make it...went on a vacation in July and things were better for just a bit.

In September 2006 our son was born and by November 2006, he did it again with the ex and she called to tell me. It was right at thankgiving and my bday and it was so hard. He ended up moving out only to come back again right before Christmas.

Then comes the new year,we were fighting constantly, I couldn't trust him AT ALL. I asked him to move out by Apr 1st and he did and started another affair with his ex...THIRD time. This time he told me about it in May 2007 and said he wanted to be a different person and go to counseling. We started counseling and going to church.

Why didn't I leave? the facts are that I was 100% financially and emotionally dependent on him and also had a 15 yr old to take care of as well as myself and a newborn.

In Oct 2007 he got a DUI and I put a restraining order on him. The night he moved his stuff out, guess where he went? Right back to his ex's where he is still staying now for 1 1/2 months.

I still am in counseling and I spoke to a pastoral counselor who said to take a position of silence with him...only discussing our son. There is a court order for child support although he's only paid once. The ex changed her cell number so I have no way to get in touch with him. he works at a call center so I can only leave messages with his boss.

He hasn't seen our son in 2 weeks. I am so sad that he didn't take a look at himself and say "what am I doing to my family" and humbly come back. The OW must be happy b/c she has her ex-boyfriend back and the father of her son! I imagine they are over there bonding due to their hatred of me. I am a professional woman with a degree, own my own house and come from a great family. I can't understand why he did this so many times. And I was mad at God for a while b/c I felt purposely put in the situation by him to endure when I couldn't find a job. Who wants to hire a pregnant woman!?

Every time I started to go through the motions of grief, anger, denial, acceptance and have a semblance of trust, it would happen again.

My church counselor recently shared an interesting perspective. She thinks the reason he kept coming back to me was b/c he knew I expected something from him and I would raise him to a higher level...that there was something in me that he really wanted and needed.

I have spent the last 2 months waking up in the middle of the night, or early in the morning with thoughts of them being together. It is so painful. My older child is glad he is gone. I'm afraid our 1 yr old son will forget him if he doesn't see him soon.

I finally got a secure job 3 weeks ago which I love. I am still going to church. I even pray for him. I just don't know if I should pray for the restoration of our marriage.

Besides calling his Mom to get ahold of him this past weekend, I haven't called him in a week. I know for certain if he did come back, he would have to change completely. I sometimes feel that I was just a road bump along the way.
He always pointed out that he never MARRIED his ex and that he loved me enough to make that commitment. What commitment?!! I took my vows seriously; he didn't. He even has said that he had a feeling I never loved him and only got married b/c I was pregnant. Very insecure.

I heard from his Mom he is trying to move out. She has told him and his ex they are living in an adulterous relationship (she is religious), but it doesn't seem to matter. He can't drive due to the DUI, but he is close enough he could ride his mountain bike over to see our son if he wanted. I think the ex is putting pressure on him not to. The restraining order states he can come over, it is not a "no contact" order.

When we did talk, he is bitter and angry and says he doesn't want to be friends. Since he went over there, I loaded up all his things, furniture, clothes, boxes, tools and in 3 trips took them to her place in front of her door. They were both mad, but I am not going to be a storage facility this time while he cheats. No way!

So, how do I move on? Should I still pray for us? Should I start dating, just to have companionship?
I am so confused and cry every day. How could he ever have said he loved me...

FreeToBeMe

FS 37
WS 37
OW 34

Hi Freetobe,

Welcome to Marriage Builders! This is a super great
website with loads of support. I would encourage you to Read read read and then, read a little more!

You have said you were totaly dependent on your H,
however, you have a house and a job and a degree - so
you don't HAVE to be totally dependent on him right?
(You sound very competent to me.)

Does your relationship with your H enhance your life? I'm not sure why you got a restraining order but it does not sound like a situation to expose a 15 year old (or a baby) to.

I found Alanon meetings helped me out a great deal in a similar situation. I learned at Alanon that I was not responsible for my H behavior and that the only thing I could change was me. You will learn this too on the MB site - but your situation is a little tricky because you really need to look at what you are getting out of your marriage. What Needs of yours, is your H meeting - or even willing to meet?

Hard questions.

I wish you the very best.

Thanks for the reply. Well I'm not dependent on him now, but when I was pg I wasn't working and he brought in the only income. We had agreed I was going to stay home for a while to raise our son. I started looking when he was 6 months old, which was in Feb and didn't find employment until this November, 3 weeks ago! I tried employment agencies, websites, networking with civic organizations. It took a while.

You pose a great question. As far as emotional needs, my H is not providing anything at all. Of course when I look back, it seems there were just a few he provided at all, but we were still a young couple. I thougth we would grow and learn and love together, figuring stuff out. My counselor thinks it reverts back to the childhood-wounds-being-unmet theory and that I'm trying to get healing through my husband.

I went to a beginners meeting at alanon just the one time, but I got the co-dependent no more book which was very helpful. I was controlling him to try and meet my needs! What a revelation and an ugly characteristic to admit about myself. The explanation for the behavior is there and it is real, but stopping it is where the work comes in.

It was hard to leave...or force him to leave actually...b/c I still love him, but I knew it was no environment for my 15 yr old or my baby. You are right about that. It took a lot of gumption, but you know what...the day after I filed I received a call with an offer letter. My situation is improving, but my heart is still heavy and I can't stand the thoughts and visuals that run through my mind. He lied so many times and about where he was, who he was with and had unprotected sex. She could have gotten pregnant herself! He could have given me an STD!

It's not ok with me that he goes, or tries to, back and forth between houses. Obviously this restraining order pushed him back to her so I guess that's that. Like you pointed out, I can't control him, only myself. I'm trying to get more involved in church and get a Bunko group together and just pray A LOT.

It makes me feel awful that he hasn't seen our son. His Mom doesn't think the OW (his ex) is telling him not to, so no pressure from her. This must be ALL his decision, but what a mean thing to do. I am left wondering if he EVER loved me. Doesn't he have any feelings for his marriage or his family?!! or any inkling to do what is Right? It is as if I never existed.
Ugh....... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />