Please be patient with me as I've never posted before.

My Husband is no longer living with us. He moved out about 1 month ago. We have 3 young girls and this is extremely hard on all of us. I found out about his EA last night and I had to drag it out of him.

A little history: We have been having problems for a couple of years now, but chose to ignore them. I was being very selfish and ignoring his biggest EN's of SF and affection. I think this came from unresolved resentment from our past. I have now recognized what I was doing and
am working on making myself a better person. My H does not communicate. This frustrates me to no end. He would never try to talk to me about anything. So, when he started havinvg "no feelings" for me, he didn't even try to discuss this. He quit wearing his wedding ring and I questioned him and that's when everything came to light and he left.

I want my marriage to work more than anything and I love my H very much. He says he has no feelings for me and hasn't for a while and if he came back it would be for the kids. He's had alot of resentment toward me about his EN's not being met and I understand that now. My biggest problem was his lack of communication.

Last night I finally got him to admit there was someone else. It crushed me. I never thought he would do something like this. He called me at midnight to tell me that he has NOT had sex with her. (yet) I told him he was still having an affair.

I know I've left things out b/c I can't think straight right now. What do I do next? What do I say to him? I did give him a few choice words last night, and I know I shouldn't have. I was reacting. Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated.

I only have a computer at work, so I will only be on during the day. Thank you in advance.

WS's LOVE to rewrite marital history when they are involved in an affair. "I never loved you" "I haven't loved you since 2 years ago...4, 10, etc." "When I married you I was 'just settling' because I had no better options"

It goes on and on.

Hang in there, MIAMA!!

There are a lot of great people here who can help you. Did you read the information on the site from Dr. Harley before you posted?

I remember the feelings you describe all too well.

(((((((((((((MIAMA)))))))))))))

Thank you Charlotte. I have been reading alot of info on the site and have ordered SAA and HNHN.

I'm new at this. How do I get my BIO to show up?

Hang in there, the ride is bumpy. Some questions for clarification.

He left when you questioned him about not wearing his wedding ring? What came to light - that he no longer had feelings toward you? Where is he living? How often do you see him or talk to him? Who is the other woman and is she married?

Have you sought his forgiveness for the lack of sex and affection in the marriage?

Welcome MIA,

You've come to the best place to survive this.

Have you exposed the affair to his workplace, family, friends, neighbors, the OW's H, etc?

Jo

Go to the "main index" then click on "my home". Then under "main configuration" edit "personal info" and place your Bio in the signature box.

Have you exposed the affair and are you familiar with plan A? Read through the Notable Posts Thread at the top of the page to get the information on that.

I'm sorry you are going through this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

Sara

Hang in there, Mia - I wish I could say it will get better quickly but likely not. Most important is your recognition of the things that lead to your situation - looking at yourself is a healthy place to start. Definitely read HNHR and SAA - both are full of things that will make sense and provide a framework for prepping your mindset.

Best of luck - lots of great people here for you.
-JC

graplin

When I questioned him on his ring, it all came out that I had been neglecting his needs and him mine.(which we knew but never aknowledged) It's been building for a long time. He then said he had no feelings anymore and he thought we should separate. All he had to do was talk to me about this and he never would. He's the type that just sits there and you can't get any answers. Did I mention I'm not very patient? I know that's not right either. He said he would be there for our girls but that's it.

He is now living with him Mom some and his Grandmother some. I talk to him at least once a day and see him a few times a week. I'm not sure who the other woman is and she's not married.

I have sought his forgiveness but he has so much resentment and can't give me that yet.

Thanks

Hi jo,

I talked to his mom last night and she is actually on my side. I'm sure she's told some of his family. I'm working on other family members. Do I say anything to my kids about it? (no details of course) They are 6,4 and 1.

Thank you

Have you asked him to come back home for the girls' sake? Winning back a spouse's love is easier if you're living together.

If he won't come back home, would he come over every night and have dinner with you and the girls, and help them through this difficult time for them? When you spend time together now, are you going in with a game plan or flying by the seat of your pants?

How are your children dealing with the separation? Children desperately need stability, so perhaps you can appeal to him as a father to spend time with the children every night until they have been put to bed.

If he will come home, or if he will come over regularly for the children's sake, it will give you the chance to show him that you are willing to meet his emotional needs. Have you read about Plan A on this site? Are you familiar with the concepts?

You can do this. We just need to get you strengthened up, educated and get you going with a game plan.

Here are some links to get you started:

What Are Plan A and Plan B

Caring for Children Means Caring for Each Other.

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts.

That's what they all say if they do admit. That it's just an emotional affair, but deep down, you know he has probably done a lot more, especially when he's out of the house now.