Sorry, this ended up being one part rant, one part message to my FWW:


The morning of my d-day, my wife was puking for about 3 hours, before work and half of the morning. I witnessed some of it with my own eyes. It had been happening for a couple weeks, and my W was miserable.

It was natural...after all, she was 6 weeks pregnant with our second child.

I walked in on her and OM, naked on my couch, a little before noon that same day.

Fast forward 17 months. Every time I hear "I'm too tired", "I have a headache", or ANY other excuse to not have sex, I feel like going into a rage, because none of those so-called "ailments" come close to the misery her morning sickness was causing her...but the "adrenaline rush" she got from the excitement of cheating (her words) helped her get over it long enough to do the deed with someone else, on my couch.

Six weeks pregnant. INTENTIONALLY pregnant.

Did I mention the sex was unprotected, and that the entire pregnancy was ruined for both of us...and that only after paternity was determined did I accept her as my own? Until then, I wanted her to abort the pregnancy (I kept that to myself). I wanted nothing to do with the baby, and if she hadn't been mine I would've turned my back on her and the rest of my family. No way was I going to raise a living, breathing trigger.

All this after 18 months of hard work on my part to be a better husband and father, which she acknowleged many times before and after d-day. She was involved in her A that whole 18 months, too...including during our 1st try at MC, mainly to deal with MY insecurity and jealousy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Why should I tolerate "not tonight, I have a headache" EVER again? What's wrong with expecting her to find some way to find her "adrenaline rush", like she did with OM?

If d-day had not been d-day, and I tried to have sex with her during that lunch hour, she would've laughed in my face at the very least. It likely would've turned into an ugly dispute for even suggesting such a thing. How could I be such an insensitive ****, right?

Also, it's not good enough to be "willing". I expect enthusiasm and desire...at least as much as there was with OM. Screw that, MORE than there was with OM. To think that I will settle for less is making a BIG mistake on her part.

I've been told:

"It's only sex...it's not the most important thing in the world!"

"You're just trying to get your d_ck wet. That's all you care about!"

I say what's good for the goose is good for the gander. She and OM risked everything...their families, their health...for "just sex". I do mean "just sex". No gifts, no dates no affection, little conversation. She didn't even know where he lives, and didn't care to.

So, excuse ME if I put MY d_ck first. It's hot and exciting when OM is putting HIS d_ck above all else. Well, get used to it, honey, because if you don't attack me with the same vigor and eagerness, I will find someone who will. At least I've given you the ultimatum I wasn't lucky enough to receive from you.

Cheating men frequently have to "earn" their way back into their BS's pants...well, cheating women should, too. To continue to act like having sex with me is a gift you have deemed me worthy of? To expect ME, after what you've put me through, to jump through hoops, work around the house, and be Mr. Nice Guy in order to MAYBE get a quickie that night IF I initiate it, when OM just had to pick up a phone or send an IM? I say it should be that easy for me, too. I've earned it. If you don't think so...

F_ck you and the horse you rode in on. You are lucky I haven't tossed you aside like damaged goods, considering I feel like I'm licking a public urinal when I kiss you.

The choice is yours. If you think what you're giving me is plenty, good for you. I have news for you: I'm as young, hot-blooded, and potent as OM, who "wasn't getting enough at home".

Take that for what it's worth.

Krazy -

Sounds like you are still very angry, and I can't say I blame you. There aren't too many who are as honest as you about their feelings.

One of my top needs is SF too. My ex had an 4 year long affair, and it was strange because he was having problems (ED) BEFORE the affair. It was very uncomfortable to work through, and then he had an AFFAIR!!!! Now it ended and he wants to date again.

While we were married, I accepted that he was getting older and wasn't "young, hot-blooded, and potent" anymore. Now that we are divorced, I have no desire to hook up again. I'll find someone who is OLD, hot-blooded and potent.

How was the SF BEFORE the affair?

And by the way, he needed his Viagra throughout the affair with the OW who is 20 years younger. LOL.

I would imagine that the few people here that have admitted to having ED wouldn't find the humor in this physical disease.

Krazy, what you are going through is resentment...I've been there. It is really no0t fair to YOU to let this stuff eat at you. I understand your pain...but really, how is it benefiting your life NOW.

"I would imagine that the few people here that have admitted to having ED wouldn't find the humor in this physical disease"

It IS a physical disease, and for most can be readily remedied. My problem is with folks (men and women) who blame their partner for their sexual problems, have an affair, and then come crawling back.

I agree with Krazy. After an affair the SF at home better be darn good.

Me too...but it is a two edged sword. If it is too good...and that is different than before...well...where did the new tricks/enthusiasm come from?

The affair can't be undone, but the WS CAN find some enthusiasm somewhere. Otherwise it is like a slap in the face to the BS. Bad enough that there was infidelity, but to come home and have "lost desire" wouldn't make the cut for me. He better be as ready as an 18 year old!!!!!

Terminal cancer isn't funny, either...unless OM gets it.

Then, it becomes the funniest damn thing I've ever seen.


By the way, SF before the A was pretty good, until I realized there was more on the menu as it relates to quantity...everything I was getting during the A PLUS everything OM got.

Now I know she can happily put out more than I was getting during the A. I expect it.

Would I try to force her? Of course not. That's not what I want. I want her to do it and like it, and I shouldn't have to play Mr. Nice Guy for 6 months to get to that point.

It was easy for OM, it should be as easy for me. It will be, or we won't make it. I didn't create this mess.

Recovery does not involve one person losing and another person winning.

You may be right that she owes you...

but demanding that she put out and be enthusiastic is not exactly a pragmatic way to get what you want....

in addition to the fact that it damages HER and makes her feel like an object.

This is your wife. She screwed up. But YOU choose to take her back, which means that there MUST be something redeeming about her.

Women have sex when they feel loved. An angry, bitter man, demanding the best sex of his life because he is OWED is not even a remotely attractive prospect.

If you choose recovery, you OWE her to be responsible for your own contributions and participation in a NEW relationship.

What have you done to make her feel SAFE to have sex with you?

Being up for the challenge (pardon the pun) and being INTO the challenge are two separate things. What would you suggest a couple do if they are dealing with one of the two NOT wanting sex with the other? It's not that cut and dry, folks.

Do you divorce, splitting your family up, or do you stick it out, and work toward regaining that WANT from your WS to be your stud (or filly)? Do you blame him/her for their not being into it, or do you work toward making the environment better, safer, for them to open back up again?

Then the question is, how long do you go about putting the effort in before you give up?

This thread has struck a cord with me, due to my FWH's lack of enthusiasm toward any SF. It's not MY top EN, but I know it has been HIS top EN, in the past. It's frustrating, to say the least. IT pisses me off, to say more.

I don't think any health issues are funny, but I am not going to try to preach to you about how to think. I have those types of thoughts in my head from time to time, about OW#1, I just don't say them.

Recovery takes at least 2 years before things are really on track.

There are no guarantees with recovery either....just like plan A and Plan B - you go into it with personal responsibility and you be the best YOU that you can be, that's all you can control.

When you can look yourself in the mirror and KNOW that you've done everything you can possibly do, and you are at PEACE with walking way (not in anger, never in anger), then you are ready to cut ties.

Thank you very much for a hearty Monday Morning laugh!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

krazy

has your wife apologized to you...
and
do you believe her...

also do you believe she has disclosed the truth...
an affair with dangerous risky behavior....ie pregnant unprotected ...doesn't know where he lives...is that true..or do you think she is lying...

(was/is the OM married...)

ARK

SL:

Struck a cord with me too. It seems ironic that we (I mean people in general) could do so many things for practically a stranger, but can't bring themselves to do these things with the people that have sworn to love forever, and do nice things for them on a daily basis.

I am not sure why it is that the WS finds SF difficult with a BS, but it must be common. Maybe the excitement is gone, maybe it has to do with guilt, I don't know.

One conversation I had with my spouse several months ago ran along these lines:

I don't want to be policed.

I didn't want to be in the position where I am telling you right and wrong, but since you did something that was wrong, you put me in the position that I couldn't accept what you were doing and had to correct it.

So now maybe she feels like I am the bad authority figure, and that is the problem. I don't know. Other people know more than me.

S had problematic relationship with father while growing up, which ended up with her leaving home early. It has only gotten better in the last few years. I know that doesn't help.

I have a best friend that I've known for about 22 years. She and her husband had been married for about 2 years when things started falling apart between them. She had an affair at work. I don't remember anymore how he found out, but he did. She was extremely remorseful. They split up. She moved home to her mother's. He moved home to her mother's after a couple of weeks. They reconciled. But you know what? He changed.

He demanded sex whenever and however he wanted it. He thought he "deserved" it for what she put him through. She thought so too. She'd drop on her knees and give him a BJ at his order, because that's what she had done for the OM. He ABUSED her for another 12 years...demanding sex whenever and however he wanted, and not taking no for an answer. They even became swingers for about 5 years, not that she wanted to, but because he insisted.

He never "forced" her. He never "raped" her. But he certainly forced her with threats of leaving. He called her a "cum gurgling gutter slut" to her face. For years. And she thought she deserved it. Because she had the affair.

14 years after they married, he left her for a girl at work. Later he revealed that he had had many affairs throughout their marriage (6-10), but it was all HER fault...if she hadn't done what she did, he wouldn't have felt entitled to do whatever the heck he wanted.

I call BS.

You have no right to DEMAND anything. If this is the way you plan to live the rest of your marriage then do yourself and your wife a favor and get out. Your entitlement will destroy her. Your entitlement will destroy you. Your entitlement will destroy your marriage. Do yourself and your wife a favor, save her the abuse, and just leave. If this is the way you plan to treat the woman you love for the rest of your life, then you are better off alone.

Call the Harley's and see if they agree with your plan to insist that your wife give you SF whenever you want because you deserve it. I'm sure you already know what the answer is.

BR, thanks, that was what I was getting at.

I am not perfect, and don't expect to go through this WITHOUT any anger, but my anger usually stems from me EXPECTING something without doing the work on my end. I remember feeling EXACTLY like believer and Krazy do; I've just come to find that there are TWO of us here, and I can't make the one that's NOT me do anything he doesn't want to.

I'm finding that it does take effort on my part to entice my husband. It did before the A, why would that be different now?

Our world is changed; my FWH is changed. I just don't think you can turn these things on a dime; at least, not in my experience, which is obviously limited at this point.

"You are lucky I haven't tossed you aside like damaged goods, considering I feel like I'm licking a public urinal when I kiss you."

I can't imagine any woman who isn't a masochist wanting to SF someone who feels this way about her. Just sayin'.

There is no entitlement to LBs in recovery, no matter how badly the WS has behaved.

This sounds like someone holding the A over their spouses head, dangling it, to get the 'guilty' sex. That's my point, unless my FWH is into it, I'm not pushing. It could be guilt, it could be that he needs to become more attracted to me, that I do have to woo him in some way. It isn't fair, but neither was the A.

This is just how it works, and if you don't have the [email]b@lls[/email] to really deal with the problems and SHOW YOUR LOVE toward your FWS, then you will fail.

Cathy, that story that you told made my stomach churn. I would hate to be the person doling out that kind of treatment. I'm glad I'm not that angry anymore. It is debilitating.