Read all about Plan A, which is showing him what a great wife you can be. Work on changing anything that he complained about. Put a time limit in your mind for Plan A -you can pick any date - maybe Valentines day.

The fact that the SF is good is very hopeful.

Don't beg or plead with him to come back. Stay calm and happy and friendly. Don't tell him you are changed, show him your are. Smile, bat your eyes and flip your hair.

Most come back to the marriage, so have some confidence.

liaz,

The more details you fill in....the more this sounds like an MLC....instead of a typical infidelity situation.

Liaz,

I would strongly advise you contact the Harleys for a counseling session. They can tell you the best course of action using their principles. They can also start you on a plan that will give you pratical things you can do to survive and very possibly recover your marriage to a better one.

We are not professionals here and therefore cannot diagnose your husband's actions as one thing over another.

Click on "Counseling Center" to setup a coaching session, which is located to the top left, below the Marriage Builder's logo.

Just in case you can't locate it, here is the contact info:

Call toll-free 1 (888) 639-1639

Let me know if you need anything else.

God Bless,
Jo

Liaz,

Resilient is right....if you can....give the Harley's a call...it's worth the investment and the board is no substitute for professional help.

Here's a list of guidelines that may help you decide if you're dealing with mainly affair issues, or underlying issues that are typical of midlife as well. If it sounds alot like your husband, it will give you something to explore with your counselor and a place to do some research. The more you know, the more effective you can be.

1. Change for the sake of change. They feel unusually restless and express a feeling that they are running out of time. Sometimes they will just duplicate the same problem elsewhere. They can feel suddenly dissatisfied with their previous goals feeling like nothing they have been working toward really matters. For example, they no longer care about the promotion they've been working so hard to get.

2. Impulsive behavior and impetuous decisions, especially about money and/or their career. Faced with the sudden interest to live their life to the fullest, a man may decide that a new Porsche makes perfect sense (despite it being well outside of the family's finances and a decision he would have not likely made before the change in his behavior). He may decide that he absolutely must leave the job he was quite satisfied with just a few months before. Everyone changes in life but during a midlife crisis these changes can be extreme and seemingly come out of nowhere.

3. Questioning everything in one's life and saying that they "feel trapped." The later is easy to pick up with the terminology they'll use in everyday life, including "obligations," "no end in sight," "burdened." They feel that their job, family and everything else in their life is a never-ending series of demands on them.

4. Changes in the sexual relationship. Understand that this change can be the result of a lack of interest (whether from the stress, anxiety or depression associated with the crisis) or it could be hormonal (lower testosterone levels in the men). It is also possible that they are having an affair since that is another (albeit cliched) aspect of some midlife crises. There are a whole slew of things to watch for if you suspect your mate of having an affair including noticing a "wandering eye," unusual phone calls at home (hang-ups) or on their cell, and most importantly them just being around the house less. (Note: adding to the confusion, experts will note that an increase in sexual desire is also a potential sign of infidelity so the key is to note sudden and significant changes.)

5. Sudden obsession with appearance and spending inordinate amounts of time in the mirror. When a man who prides himself on his old t-shirt collection starts dressing for success and leaves the barber he has been going to for the past decade for a high-end salon, then it's time to take note of the underlying cause of his new found vanity. It could be nothing more than a desire to upgrade his appearance or it could be some much, much more, An appearance obsession can also be the sign of an affair.

6. Excessive reminiscing about their youth and previous loves. The Internet (especially Classmates.com) has been a boon for people to be able to reconnect with high school friends. However, more than a fleeting moment spent thinking about a high school flame and overly fantasizing about how great everything was then versus now or "what if" scenarios of major decisions they've made are all midlife crisis symptoms.

7. Increase in alcohol consumption. It's no secret that many adults will turn to the bottle when problems seem insurmountable. It can be hard to know what is going on in someone else's head but it is not so hard to see how many stiff drinks they down every night.

8. Sleeping more, loss of appetite, and general malaise. These are all signs of the type of depression that can accompany a midlife crisis.

9. Obsession with mortality. This can be triggered by the death of a loved-one or a close friend. Whatever it is, when the focus turns from the deceased to themselves and then lingers that is the sign of a problem.

10. Self-admission. They simply say, "I think I'm having a midlife crisis." This is far more common that many people think. Given the immense amount of media coverage on the subject, when someone starts to encounter the gut-wrenching feelings of a midlife crisis they will often be quite open in their pleas for help from people they think can help them. Midlife crises are not funny or fun for anyone involved.

Maggie,

Can you please post something else? Reply and show what is wrong with a post, don't just make an accusation especially to someone who is new to MB. They have no real clue about what you mean by a troll.

Please be a bit more understanding in your posts.

L.

Liaz,

You have gotten some good direction from Resillient, Star*fish and others. Please read their posts carefully and give heartfelt consideration to their recommendations. Let us know what baffles you or any other questions you may have.

The suggestions to get a good MC or better yet call Steve is good. Reading SAA and HNHN is a good start.

Learn about plans A & B, then let's talk.

take care,
L.

I'm not sure I fully agree with the venerable Starfish here for once <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Squid's affair was driven primarily by her turning forty - a MLC.

Plan A worked very well in that situation when coupled with exposure.

I don't see anything more difficult about an MLC-driven affair than any other kind of affair to be honest. All affairs are triggered by SOMETHING then reality is corrupted by the wayward mind :

For example most affairees have a voluntarily exaggerated sense of entitlement and a deliberate repainting of their life's positive content in order to "justify" their wayward behaviour in their own mind.

I do agree with Starfish over long plan A's though. People forget that Plan A is an affair-ending tool, not a perpetual doormat lifestyle.

Plan A must end and become plan B if the A hasn't ended within a fairly short period. As Dr H says :


* sigh * I hate affairs. Thank God for Marriagebuilders.

Orchid, I replied to you on my thread, if you care to read it.

My H and I got together last night and talked again. He is still not moving home. He says that he doesn't think we are ready, still concerned about arguing and he has anxiety when around me. He cried said he loved me but still doesn't know if our marriage is fixable. He likes not making decisions about our life..says that he is tired of it all. I was relentless about his EA that happened over 2 yrs ago, constantly talking about it,questioning him, being suspicious and trying to understand it. Then the next EA..2 months ago. I did not know all I know now about having a great marriage and what I needed to do for him. He is apprehensive about my "changes" since finding this wonderful site. He doesn't want to spend all his time with me like I want to with him, it hurts. He is going to a party tonight with one of his friends, I had invited him over but he declined,chosing insead to go to the party. I guess I will continue to do the best plan A while living apart-he did say that he would like to try to get together more than we have, maybe one more night a week. A good sign perhaps. There is a part of me that so wants to say just forget it!! To stay away from him so maybe he will WANT to be with me. I have not contacted him today. Any thoughts on this latest development? Thank you all so much.

Maggie,

Yes I posted to you and then a war or words ensued..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Seems a lot of misunderstanding was being handed out.

I tried to explain it on your thread but who knows how that will be taken.

Still it is important you heal in the way that is best for you and your family.

I don't plan to post anymore to on your other thread. The reason is that I don't want you to think I am trying to control you. I have not and will not. It's not my style.

take care,
L.

Liaz,

Have you noticed how your WS babbles? He talks in circles and then doubles back again? Carrying a decent conversation is hard, right?

Then there's the fact that your mind and heart are not in sync. It will be, but for now it is divided.

Let's get you a personal and M recovery plan ok? Let us know when you are ready. This plan will help you put your best foot forward and give you back the power that belongs to your family and squish the WS and A. Then it will only leave your H and then you can decide if you want him back or not.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid,

If you have time could you pop over and read some of the online converstaions I am having with WH and see if there is anything else I could be saying that would generate a response. Some good ole RB

I would appreciate it.

SG,

Will do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Going to drop son off at his friends house than I will take a look see. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

thank you kindly

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Should I ask him again about his ending the EA?(He said it was when I found out 2 months ago) I saw a text that he wrote saying he would not contact her again at that time. I have not contacted the OW or her husband -just taking his word that it was done. He acts so confused about us that I wonder if he is still in contact with her and maybe that is why he still will not move home? I don't want to make things worse as we have been getting along very good lately so I'm not sure if I should ask him again if it is really over? Maybe it will make us take a step back? She lives out of state.

Does OW's H know that your H is out of the house? If you have the OW's H's cell phone, work phone, or email, why not just call him to get an update or just to ask how they're doing. Make sure he knows that your H is out of the house and free.

I don't know how much either one of them know. I don't have OW's H phone #'s or email. I have her work phone # only. We live on west coast-they live on east coast. I have not talked to her.

Do some searching and try to get his phone number. He needs to know what is going on. There probably IS still contact, and the fastest way to end it is to expose the affair.

I am in such a horrible state right now. I just got off the phone with my H and he says that he does not want to be with me! Wants a divorce. I asked him why-we seemed to be going in the right direction. I have learned so much from this wonderful site, I have been doing a great plan A,he agreed with me but says that he just doesn't want to continue. He was just going through the motions. He says that he has been horrible to me and it can't be fixed that the fight is gone for him. There is no other P in the picture. What in the world do I do now? I can not stop crying. We have been married for 25 yrs! Is this when plan B starts? I want to fight for my marriage-I love him. I asked him if he loved me and he said I will always love you-he was crying. I said but are you in love with me and he said I don't know anymore. Please help me. I am desperate and I am a mess.

Plan B should not start when you are an emotional wreck.

We need to get you out of that mode and back in control so you can enter a good plan B.

1st of all, that's the WS babbling to you and you are buying it. STOP IT!!!!

2nd, go identify your boundaries. Learn to reverse babble so when he spouts off like that you can give him back his guilt. It will reduce the hurt and you will be able to function better.

3rd, please go see a doctor and ask for any anti-d's that may help. Let your doctor know you are dealing with a WS and an A.

Try this.... when u r feeling down, find a quiet place. Then put your left hand over your right shoulder and your right hand on your left shoulder.....then squeeze. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

There, you've just received an MB hug from me 2 u! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

{{{{Hugz to you and your family}}}}

take care,
L.