This is my first post…..I have been here lurking for about a month. I have read tons of posts, almost the entire MB website several times, and I never thought I would even have a D-Day, but as my screen name shows, it finally happened. Let me give you all some background first. I am married for 1 ½ years (together for 9) were in our late 20’s. i just got a good job, we bought a house and settled in 6 months ago. We’ve been through ****** the last 6 years from living 200 miles apart to living in my employers house with horrible roommates. We both hated it but I felt like it was the right thing to do so we could eventually have what we have now. WS always wanted me to quit and take a different career tact because she was unhappy with our living situation, but I thought that would be a bad move and often disregarded her feelings on the issue. And as in most cases it went on this way for long time with out any improvement and now it’s “Too Late”.
About two months ago WS came to me with those dreded words “I’m unhappy and I don’t know if this is ever going to get better” “ I feel like we’re just roommates now” “ I don’t think I can ever be in love with you again, and I’m not sure that I ever was” blah blah….the same things I have read on here over and over. At that point it hit home, I was a mess and began to change, to learn, I read everything I could to figure out what to do to fix it. Then I found this site, and it has helped so much. I saw all the signs of the A but could not believe it. She was always very honest and when I asked several times about her relationship with her new friend of the opposite sex she told me the were “just friends” and he was also depressed so they just talked about their depression and it was helpful for her to have someone to talk to who listened. I bought into this on and off for weeks, but it didn’t seem right. Long calls to each other and private meetings were becoming an issue. So I kept snooping around even though I was fining nothing. I kept reading on here about plan a and plan b and I have been trying to plan for plan a anyway since I feel like she is ready to leave at any given moment.
Then it happened. Sunday night she went outside, I went to grab her cell phone from her purse to see if I could intercept a text message, and there it was, her OTHER cell phone! I knew it was true. All that anguish and heartake over this and she was lying the whole time. I locked myself in the bathroom and started to read the texts to the OM. It was so painful to look at the words. All the things I have been wanting her to say to me were there only they were for someone else. I still see them I my head and it hurts, actually it’s paralyzing at this point because it’s so fresh. I confronted her, she tried to deny it, and said he has nothing to do with our problems! She says it’s not physical , but how can I believe that, it doesn’t even matter at this point, the damage is done. We fought for a while and despite all the things I read about what not to do I made some mistakes said so judgmental stuff, made demands, but how can you not when you find the evidence and have no way to hid the fact that you know? I had no way to formulate a plan once I knew for sure that it was true.
I ended the fight by saying something like, if you still want to work on our marriage you’ll have NC with OM and quit your job (since they work together) I can’t make you but we can’t fix this until you realize that he has to be out of your life and mind. Yesterday was the worst day of my entire life. Luckily I got to the doctor to get some medication to help me get through this stage…..
I guess now I’m in the middle of starting plan A. It seems so hard. Just the thought of them together makes my heart rate go xrazy, my chest hurts, it’s insane how much pain I feel, and to let this just go on until she makes up her mind is near impossible. I want to do this right and give us the best chance to come out of this with an awesome relationship, but I don’t know how I’m going to handle this or now. She still has the cell phone he gave her, she isn’t quiting anytime soon, and she refuses to cut all contat with her only real friend. Is this just the crazy talk that I keep hearing about on here? Will this pass, can she get past him so we can start to rebuild our marriage, and is it a good idea to continue marriage counseling while I know she still incontact with OM?
I have talked to WS mother and she’s on my side which is good, there aren’t many other people to expose this to tha can put pressure on the A. the OM is single, living with his aunt in an apt. and has no other contacts that I could utilize. Is there anything else I can do besides try to meet her EN right now? I appreciate all of you help and wish me luck in this!!
-d
