Do you have a Pastor that you can expose to?

I don't have a pastor to expose to really. I'm not a regular church goer and WH doesn't go with me when I go. That is a closed avenue for me.

I guess my instinct would be to be as prepared as possible. Set up your bank accounts so he can't take money, already speak with a lawyer just in case, know what your rights are, print out your evidence. Send the kids away for the evening, eat dinner first, and then pull out the folder. Hand it to him. Wait. Remain as unemotional as possible so he can't manipulate the situation. Ask him to explain. Tell him you are going to follow certain steps that are 'recommended' for a WS, let him know them, offer him the choice of coughing it all up now or forcing you to interview everyone involved. Above all, retain your right, as the wronged person, to know all and expect restitution.

Yesterday I found another charge to Victoria's Secret and one to a women's clothing store in his bank statement that was made on 1/23. He said he had been working at the shop on a project that day with no mention of a trip to the mall. So, he either saw her yesterday - she must have come here - or he is hiding what he bought her to give to her at a later date. He was home when I got home on the 23rd at 5PM, but they had all day to be together if she drove to our city. No doubt this is getting more intense.

The odd thing is that we had dinner last night and I joked with him that he never sends me any texts (thinking in the back of my mind that he texts 2 OW all day long). He sent me one right then with a racy question and I answered yes. It was flirty and fun. We stopped at a coffee shop on the way home and I told him he seems happier lately than he had been in December - was it because of the new job? He replied that that was part of it, but the other part is that he is happier in our M. I asked if he was feeling more commited and he said he felt all the way commited. I told him that I still had feelings of resentment and hurt over things he'd done and that I hope we can work through those things soon. I reminded him that he'd done some pretty bad things and damaged the relationship, but that I'd been working hard to become the kind of wife he can feel safe in talking to. I told him I've forgiven him for these things but I need to understand them so we can prevent them in the future. I told him that I will always try to listen with love and no AO. He agreed that that's what he's wanted from me and that he's seen lots of improvement in that area lately. He told me that he wants to have a good M and that he believes we can have that together. We dropped that conversation there, but this was a bit of a breakthrough for us in that it wasn't emotionally charged and it didn't last for an hour or more. Actually, the whole conversation was done in 3-4 minutes. Conversation after this was light and normal.

When we got home, I changed into a sexy nighty (per the text message) and he didn't even notice. I snuggled up to him and tried to get his attention and he wasn't interested. For once, though, I didn't bring up the promising text message at dinner that he didn't follow through on and I did which would probably have been a LB for him. Instead it was an LB for me - no follow through on his part.

Is he just playing both sides of the fence to see what deal is going to work out best for him? Does he think he can have a piece on the side and a good home life, too? If he were to D me for OW#1, his income level would drop more than half of our current household income. OW may not be working now (I can't find that info out) but if she is, her salary is in the 20K range based on the kind of work she does.

Cat, I'm definitely getting prepared. I saw a lawyer about 2 weeks ago. She said since we don't have kids, our situation won't be all that complicated. We don't have a pile of money, but there are some things I'll need help in protecting if it comes to that.

I've started a file with all the A evidence and as much info on OW1 and OW2 that I can find. I've got some bank info and more bank info I need to get. I've got his retirement info that will go against him, too.

I've started putting some cash aside in a safe deposit box that nobody will know about, though I hate to leave it in cash because it will be just sitting there, but if nobody knows about it I won't run the risk of having half of it take away and given to him.

If he had pushed for a D and there had been no A, I'd have been more than willing to split things and be fair. I'm less inclined to do so at this point if we end up in a D.

I still believe I'm going to write the invitation letter and see how that goes. The letter will require coaching by Jennifer. If he refuses to do that then I will present him with the info I have about his activities. I think he will try to see her next week because he has time off before he starts his new job. I've got the PI lined up for that for concrete stuff I can give him.

Yes. This is that 'high' I've mentioned before. That they're getting away with it, that they're on top of the world for this brief time. It's such a high they feel they can conquer anything. Why didn't they try this before?

Nauseatingly disgusting. I'd never, ever consider doing something even remotely like this to him. I also know he believes that about me. He knows that I'm loyal to him and that I don't lie to him. So what makes these people think they have the right to act this way?

hi kld,

i am sorry for you that this is so hurtful for you. you are amazing in how you are handling this.

is there any merit in turing up the heat and you start sending him racy text messages - since this seems to be one of his choices of communication to ow. being that you mentioned it and he responded back right away you could start from there. this might be one more way to open lines of communication between you and him?

it is great you are taking action and stashing $$$ etc. get all the financial ducks in order. is there any large purchase you are needing? like a new car? now clothes? furniture? might be a good time to get now and use HIS $$! : }

hugs to you... be strong.

KLD, you are approaching this with open eyes now. When my husband was texting [his] ex, I had a fear that he might accidentally text me one of her messages. It never happened, but when you mentioned the come-on text with no follow-up, it reminded me of that fear.

Now that he has both of you in his text messages, he could get mixed up. KEEP AT HIM. Do whatever it takes to get him to send you multiple messages a day. He will run a high risk of getting the two of you mixed up, which may give you further solid evidence, if only for yourself.

The VS purchase nearly confirms this is a PA, but ... there still isn't a smoking gun, is there? The PI might help with that.

Now that you are set on improving the marriage, he is really locked into having his cake and eating it too. He is loving this. What is he telling the other woman? Of course, that some day he'll leave you. That is my guess.

My husband played both sides when it came to his ex. Even though they divorced over 4 years ago, he presented me to her as a friends-with-benefits (total lie; he told his friends he was in love, I was his girlfriend, and he was going to marry me.) You see? Even when there is nothing physical going on, a man will tell one woman one version of the situation, and the OW, a different version. In the eyes of a cheating man, there is nothing wrong with fudging his stories.

It is smart to set aside some money.

or perhaps he could trip up and send a racy text message ment for you to ow ....

Wouldn't it be so ironic if you asked hubby to take you to Victoria's Secret? After his racy text message, you'd have an excuse. Could you find a way to get him to go to the same location? I would LOVE to see the look on his face.

There is a way too to get copies of reciepts. You call the store with the date, time and amount of transaction. Say you lost the receipt and need a reprint. These days, most stores can do this. It usually requires a trip to the store to pick up the receipt.

Then you'd know EXACTLY what he bought her. Could even eye that section with him by your side. That would freak him out. However, it's just my mind whizzing ahead <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />... I love practical jokes. (I once broke up with a man who was actively trying to cheat. He asked for his shoes. I packed all of his LEFT shoes in a bag and gave it too him.) You may not be in the frame of mind to go to such extremes, but I couldn't resist.

I agree that now would be the time to get around to the larger purchases you had been putting off, citing his new job. I don't think you have to split anything that was technically a gift? Get LOTS of lingerie if you can. Helpful divorce or no divorce.

I may start sending him some racy messages. So far the ones I've sent have been just thinking about you, etc. He is the one who sent the racy one to me last night. Would be interesting to get him caught in a cross-message situation..

I do believe the smoking gun will have to come from getting pictures of them together. I also believe he will wiggle out if all I have as evidence is some text messages - even if it is 2000+ every month.

He is off work all next week before he starts a new job on 2/4. I'm having the PI follow him for part of that time next week to see what they can turn up.

Valentine - we were at the mall on Saturday and I asked him if he thought he might ever get me a surprise from VS. He said he probably would some time. I've asked him similar things before and he never follows through with them. If I were to get him to go in there with me he wouldn't freak out - he has ice water in his veins and rarely shows any emotion about things other than sports or motorcycles or cars.

Wait a minute. You suggested a surprise for yourself from VS, and a few days later, he bought something there for the OW?! That is one cold-hearted fish.

I see what you mean.

That may be exactly what happened. Or it might be a V-Day gift for KLD. (I don't exactly believe that, but I'm not prone to do gift-buying three weeks in advance.)

I made more than one incorrect assumption about my WS's behavior. The constant lying is crazy-making. But I suggest trying to distinguish between what is known with certainty and what is only "probable".

- WG

I had hoped that the VS purchase could have been for me, but I know him so well and it's most likely not for me. We have never exchanged V-Day gifts - cards and dinner out only. He usually gets the card about 12 minutes before he needs to give it to me. He did buy me something from VS our first year of M but he didn't go there and get it and bring it to me - he had me pick out the nighty I'd like and then he paid for it.

He also made a $150 purchase from a womans clothing store the same day. He has never bought clothes for me - ever. He suggested on Friday night after dinner that we go to the mall and get me some new pants since most of mine are too big now since my weight loss. He helped me pick out some and stood there and watched me pay for everything with my own Macy's card.

I've been trying to get into his car and see if there's a package in there, but he's kept it locked. I don't have a key to his car - it's an Expedition and I won't drive it because it's just too big for me. I looked in the back and there appears to be a box that could contain his purchases, but it may be something else.

You're right that the lies make it difficult to believe anything they say is the truth. I'm so tired of that. I look at him and can't believe he's the same man I fell in love with and the man who once loved me so much.

I'd sneak is key when he is sleeping. Take your digital camera. What a piece of work.

KLD
Remember that this is NOT the man you fell in love with and who loved you so much. THIS is a WH, an alien, someone who is deep in the fog. He sees EVERYTHING in the fog-light of infidelity. Until some light is shown into his alien/fogged brain, he won't see anyhting clearly.

My husband tells me now that he thought he was the cleverest, smartest man for being so able to pull this off.

Think about it. You know may not know everything, but you know A LOT about what he is doing and he has NO IDEA that you know. NONE!!! How dense is THAT??? Obviously he hasn't been completely careful because YOU FIGURED IT OUT!!!! But he THINKS he has.
Foggy, fog, fog. The man you loved IS in there somewhere and MAY come back.

No one is going to fault you in the least if you decide you want a divorce. You certainly have grounds in every way. But if you decide you want to try and recover, once he knows that YOU know, then you have come to the right place. These folks can help you do and say the things that might help the fog clear.

God bless you KLD!!!

WH2LE

He was extremely withdrawn yesterday. It started after lunch and lasted the rest of the day. I ignored the attitude very well - most other times I'd be concerned and keep asking what was wrong. Many of those times he would tell me how unhappy he is in our M. So yesterday I acted like there wasn't anything different.

He was miserable to be around, but I just sucked it up and moved on. I took an Ambien before I went to bed last night so I wouldn't wake up wondering about things and when I woke up this morning he hadn't slept in our bed. He was on the couch all night, I guess.

His phone records were updated through last night and he only called his mother yesterday. He hasn't spoken to the OW since Wednesday. They are still texting, I'm sure, though those records don't updated as quickly as the phone calls do.

I'm getting close to the point where I'm ready to confront him. I wanted to see if it would taper off on it's own, but that was wishful thinking on my part. I'm getting things in order for myself and I'll talk to him soon.

Thanks for reminding me that the H who once loved me may still be there. It helps to know that it is possible to save this M.

KLD,
Withdrawn might(only a maybe of course) atually be WITHDRAWAL. The few times my husband tried to end his A, he was heavy-duty into withdrawal when he was with me. I didn't realize this of course and just thought he was distant and crabby. Does this sound like your guy?

When he ACTUALLY ended it, he was much more like his normal self. BUT...that's also when the OW started with hang-up calls. Although I answered the phone, he knew it was her. It started to make him panicky and worried about her. That's when he texted her to find out how she was and I think things would have started back up big time if I had not confronted him.

Also, when my husband was withdrawn he said EXACTLY the same things you say your husband says. Unhappy with the marriage, doesn't know what he wants, blah, blah, blah. What I now know as fogspeak. Also just "happened" to fall asleep on the couch and stay there all night. Honestly, as some others here have said, it's like there is a special script written for waywards. None of them are very origianl.

If your WH is actually withdrawing from the OW, don't give her the chance to sneak back in. Jump in and claim the marriage that is rightfully yours.

Hang in there KLD. There are MANY people on your side and praying for good things for you, including courage and happiness.

Things are far from perfect with me and my FWH. We are on a very hilly roller coaster, but at least we are no longer dealing with OW and I pray that soon you will not be either.