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who will be the new IM?

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Julie2U Offline OP
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My neighbor, me thinks. I haven't discussed it past her saying "I will be your IM. I like (H). I think he's being an idiot right now, but I like him and I won't pass any judgment or hold anything against him" (knowing I still want to "protect" him) She's old enough to be my mother & has been a great support - brought me power tools so I could change my locks, watched from across the street as I had people come in & buy stuff to make sure I didn't end up murdered. She's been married 25 yrs but I just found out she & her H separated long ago too, because he was drinking too much. I would have never guessed it, they've got a great relationship & her H does NOT seem the type!


LIFE IS GOOD
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Sounds like a much better choice. Be sure to explain that this part of a marriage building PLAN. People often musunderstand the motivation...that you are trying to preserve any love that is left by avoiding the continued pain and damage...not that you just don't want to talk to him or see him. If she understands the goal she will be a better IM. That fact that she has some understading of living with someone who drinks to much is all the better.

I'd get after making this change as soon as you can.

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About the online meetings...

The other night we were only in an alanon chat. It was not a meeting. Chat is a great place to sort out your feelings but it is not a meeting. Here is a great on line meeting source. Look at the schedule.

http://groups.msn.com/Alanon/meetinglist.msnw

And remember, on line meetings are great when you can't go out but they should never replace your face to face meetings.

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I'm so sick of this. I'm sick of being sick of this. I don't care if the marriage is saved anymore. Right now, ut's me who needs saving. And my kids.

I would put this on an index card and tape it on your bathroom mirror, put in your purse, anywhere to remind yourself of your goal...saving yourself and the kids from the distruction of an A.

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Julie2U Offline OP
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Deleted

I don't suck, he does. He was given the choice to stay here, get help, and work on our marriage...or leave, NOW. He left. This is not my fault.

Last edited by ItsJustJulie; 01/28/08 09:31 PM.

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OK...color me stupid but I don't understand your last post at all. please explain

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Julie2U Offline OP
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Sorry, I deleted it. There's no excuse for me being that hateful towards myself. I've got a headache, I'm going to bed. Thinking of selling the big screen. I hate it.


LIFE IS GOOD
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Try not to be so hard on yourself Julie.


This is a tough situation and you are making great progress. Keep going, you are heading in the right direction. I wouldn't say it if i didn't mean it.

You're playing the mental tape recording of a drunk. We all have work to do on ourselves, but don't let the words of an A tell you who you are. I was told in alanon that those hateful words they throw at others are really what they see in themselves. I believe that to be true. I was never able to completely hit the erase button but looking back I see that those really were the thoughts he had about himself, not me.

Get some rest and see you tomorrow

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Julie - another topic you touched on - your 11 yr old son is old enough to shovel a little old lady's sidewalks for his baseball money - I can guarantee you there's some snow for him to shovel headed your way - it just hit my sidewalks today.

He'll have the pride of having earned it himself, and he'll learn he can count on himself. I'd suggest you do the first one with him - buy him a shovel and tell him his first sidewalk needs to reimburse you for the equipment loan.

I did this with my son and he's progressing quite nicely - doesn't ask for money without asking what he can do to earn it - and he knows I'm not the only source for revenue. No more Mommy ATM.


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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Julie
Great to see it turn around last night.
Julie, you are in such a position here to “ raise the bottom”.

1.Talk to a tax Professional-Do you need H to fill out taxes????-

Do Not listen to H. He is not proactive about getting the taxes completed for you or the childrens benefit……….. ONLY HIS.

Talk to professionals.

From what you have told us H is self employed. When I have been self employed no taxes were taken out.
Julie has a regular job and taxes are probably taken out every pay period.
Has tax money from Julies paycheck payed H’s taxes in the past years?
I am in no way clear about this but I would bet Julie can file singly without H and probably claim only her wages.???? That may mean you can get 100% of the money YOU PAID IN FROM YOUR WAGES??
IS JULIE RESPONSIBLE FOR H”S TAXES????? I don’t know-

TALK TO PROFESSIONALS ONLY B-4 PROCEEDING

2. FILE WITH A LAWYER TO GET THE BALL ROLLING-
So much good advice in the posts from last night. Re-read them
If possible LSA/FILE FOR D
Get custody study going
Get child support amounts secured-If H pays it or not is another story
If H gets truck fixed – not Julies problem
If H keeps visitation schedule w/children???

Raising H’s bottom is what this is all about.
LOVEBUSTERS PAGE 242- DR. HARLEY SAYS “PROVIDE NO CARE AT ALL”

.Hopefully somewhere in all of this H will think that maybe I had it pretty good w/Julie. Maybe she is not asking too much from me.
We want you to look sharp, confident and strong. By showing those qualities H may get the message.

Open a can of whoopa$$ Julie-You can always put a lid back on it whenever you choose. You don’t have to be mean about it---Only ask for what is fair and right. That’s is only reasonable.


My opinion would be to use neighbor as IM. I liked the way SOT nicely fired SIL.

Thank GOD for a friend like SOT.

PLB for any type of situation is risky. Harley has never denied that it is risky anywhere that I’ve seen in writing. With an alcoholic/addict your competing with a substance that never fails to take the person to where they want to go. It makes it quite different than competing in infidelity. We count on the other person to fail and then we get our chance to hopefully reconcile.
Keep protecting yourself and your children. Your doing a wonderful job with it.
Keep puttin one foot in front of the other.


Rocky-Formerly known as Chris


Me 49 –
WH 1987
A/CD treatment 8/1986
DS 24
DD 14
Married 25 yrs
WW 43
EA/PA –1986/1987 A Ended after 1 ½ yr seperation-NC w/OM for 4 months-Me N/C w/OW for 3 mo after W asked me to give her up
Mutual agreement to get back together
A/CD treatment 1988
EA/PA 2004?—10/2006? Mixed w/alcohol relapse
Treatment 12/06 W-Just wants to leave A in the past-“WE” know what to do
Me-Houston-We have a problem (we need to work on) here


M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011

Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
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Hey everybody. Actually, I thank God for all of you! You have been my sanity, my support, my "friends". Today I was emailing my SIL (my bro's wife) & I told her that currently, my support system mainly consists of friendly strangers via internet and/or Al-Anon, who share a common set of experiences. H's support system is the same, comfortable family & "friends" who share the same delusional, sick thought pattern. I know whose is "better".

KA, DS is 8 - DD is 11. DD can handle shoveling for cash, as she's got the commitment & the drive. DS, on the other hand, doesn't always do such a good job & isn't the entrepreneur DD sets out to be. Anyway I think your idea is great...the thing is, we wouldn't have necessarily let him sign up even if we were still together. Partly because of the money, but mostly because of his lack of commitment. What irked me about this case was he brought it up, dropped it, said he'd ask H, he asked H, and H decided to turn it into a "you & your mom must be attacking me here" thing. I think this made DS want it even more. I don't quite understand it but that's my observation. Kinda like the wrestling - it's just so out of left field!

Rocky, formerly known as Chris, you always knock some sense into me by simply telling it like it is. My SIL (bro's wife) does our taxes. She's not a "professional" but she's got degrees & she's done it for a few years. It's nice cuz she doesn't charge & she also waits for us, like if we have to find a receipt or something. Anyway, she's said there's pretty stiff penalties for filing separately - I checked into that RIGHT away (WHAT would H DO if I didn't handle the taxes FOR HIM!?!?!?!?!) but her recommendation is to file joint.

And SOT, thanks again, I like the way you fired SIL as IM too.

Tonight is Al-Anon/Alateen meeting night. Hopefully I'll be able to go - they're talking about some pretty nasty snow coming in so I won't risk our lives, but the kids already asked me this morning if tonight's the night so I do hope it's a GO!!!


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Julie,
I've been reading through your thread and just wanted to say I understand what you're going through. It took me back to the time period when we went through a similar situation. You've been given good advice by many here.

I would reiterate what others have said regarding filing for D. You need the legal protection, period. Alcoholics are master manipulators and will turn anything around to 'their' benefit. I understand you don't have any money to spare, but here's what happened in our case years ago -- I engaged an attorney and we went to court. DH was ordered to pay ALL my attorney fees and his and all court costs. He tried to get out of CS too by saying he wasn't earning near what he used to, blah blah blah. I had brought copies of tax returns showing his previous income. The Judge ordered him to pay CS AND alimony, much more than I anticipated, and directly out of his check. The judge told him 'you are capable of earning such an income so you'll be ordered to pay at this rate'. H was floored.

I think your decision to do Plan B was wise. You have to extract yourself and your kids from the craziness the A puts in your life. It sounds like your H is well on his way digging a hole to rock bottom. Stay detached and let him fall.

You're doing great. I'll be praying for you.


Me, BS Him, Alcoholic, FWH H did 180 in '01 Recovered, blessed marriage now Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things unseen. Hebrews 11:1
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Julie2U Offline OP
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Thanks AW. Seems you're still married? To the (F)A? Even after filing and court orders and all of that? That's terriffic. Who knows...!??!

What do you think your H's bottom was? Or, what made him 180 in '01?


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I can't speak for A's wife, but it's usually not a 180. It's often hit bottom, flounder around and then a
g-r-a-d-u-a-l (aka grueling) climb up to recovery (or not, many don't make it out). At least that is the experience of most in my group. It is incredibly hard work for the A and the family of the A. No quick fix.

How many meetings have you been able to get to so far? I wonder because of the lack of sponsor, information on detachment and outline of the 12 steps. I want to be sure that your group is helping you as best they can. Did you get your daily readers yet? I have some extras I'd love to send to you, if that culd be worked out.

If you get your CS and visitation papers in order, you will have some power with the court concerning your H. I really wish you could use a lawyer instead of doing this yourself...I also caution you again (sorry) about saying too much to SIL. Be careful that she isn't passing valuable information to H and also that she is not giving H a Julie fix by passing information. You need to stay as dark as possible.

Did you guys get to your meeting tonight? how are the kids doing?

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Yes we're still married, and have a happy marriage. My husband is still an A, probably what you'd call a functioning alcoholic, though he is a totally different person than he was 10 years ago. Drinking is his problem, not mine.

My husband hit bottom right after we went to court. It finally sunk in that he was about to lose everything; his family, home, everything he'd worked for. He was court ordered not to drink at all around DS, nor for a number of hours before scheduled visitation, and only was allowed supervised visitation. He was court ordered to attend several months of anger management classes. We went right down to the last days before the D would have been final and then he 'woke up' so to speak. What made him 180? God.

We went through a horrible time; I feel for you Julie and know what you're going through. What got me through was my faith in God and prayer. Stay strong, and believe. Stay with Al-Anon... it will help. I went for awhile, but found that church was a better fit for me.


Me, BS Him, Alcoholic, FWH H did 180 in '01 Recovered, blessed marriage now Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things unseen. Hebrews 11:1
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THAT's what a lawyer can do for you, Julie!

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Yes, most definitely get a lawyer. Many will work with you on the initial retainer fee. My atty took a small down payment (on mastercard) which was all I could afford at the time, and really pushed the issue so that H had to pay for everything even though he was claiming to be penniless.

Document EVERYTHING, and stay dark.


Me, BS Him, Alcoholic, FWH H did 180 in '01 Recovered, blessed marriage now Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things unseen. Hebrews 11:1
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Julie2U Offline OP
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SOT, or anyone really, if you care to email me personally you may: alittleextramoney@yahoo.com

No, we didn't make our meeting last night. The weather got quite nasty very quickly, so I'm glad I wasn't driving in it. I spent a good amount of time right here reading, which is always a good thing to do too. I did have a guy come by to buy stuff though, so I've got grocery money - just in time!

I'm not sharing anything with SIL/H's siter/IM, I'm sharing things with SIL/my brother's wife/did LSA a few yrs back when my brother took an apartment w/a 18y/o! I've got my timeline in my head of how everying is going to unravel - firing SIL/IM/H's sister, selling stuff, doing taxes, getting attorney OR filing on my own.

You're right, I DO need a sponsor. I've seen/heard it mentioned a few times in meetings, but the vets, etc. kinda just look around...like those of us who have inquired didn't say the secret word yet so they don't have to really respond. It's weird. I'm still bopping around too, haven't necessarily found MY group yet.

AND............you know what today is................it's.............WEDNESDAY!!! That's right folks, you better be over the drama from the weekend and the shock from last Wednesday, because it's WEDNESDAY AGAIN!!! Last night the kids talked to H & of course, started in on me right away,
DS: the truck's still not fixed so only if you take us mom..."
DD: Well I want to stay after school anyway, so that's what I'm going to do

I interrupted them. I asked DS to please not finish his sentence, that if any PLANS are going to be changed or made, that it's not their job to make or change them, that Dad knows he needs to keep it between adults, so if he mentions anything to you just let him know you're not telling me anything - he knows to contact (IM). You guys need your time with him & on the phone with him to be YOUR TIME with him, so don't tell me about it & don't tell him about me.

They get it. Doesn't look like he'll be seeing them till...hmmm....next Wednesday, I guess! (Maybe)


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AND............you know what today is................it's.............WEDNESDAY!!! That's right folks, you better be over the drama from the weekend and the shock from last Wednesday, because it's WEDNESDAY AGAIN!!! Last night the kids talked to H & of course, started in on me right away,


This is really sad for the children.
Maybe I missed something in your posts Julie-How many times has H picked them up or had them at his apt??

Thanks for stopping over yesterday. It meant a lot to me.

I'd like to send you -if its ok- a photo that you may get a kick out of to the e-mail address you listed. Let me know if its OK
Quote
You're right, I DO need a sponsor

Everything will fall into place as long as JUlies puts one foot in front of the other......

Gotta run


Rocky


M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011

Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
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