So the "almost" EA...or at least emotional CONNECTION that my husband has been having with three very good friends...(which to me seems the same as physical infidelity), we are working through.

Lots of things are coming to light. Including the fact that my husband is, quite seriously, clinically depressed. How I missed this - well, I've been emotionally "checked out" of my marriage for about ten months. His anger and resentment and inability to connect with me for over three years led to my being unable to deal with it. I love him, I miss him. But I could not BE HERE for him, when he made it very clear he was not here for ME.

Now that he has hit rock bottom, I recognize he is VERY depressed. Turns out the issue isn't ME - it's his job, his anxiety towards his job, etc. The timing fits - his anger and resentment began when he got a promotion three years ago. That's when the marriage really started crumbling. How I missed it - I don't know. For one, I am a medical professional. For two - I, myself, was depressed, severely, during college three years ago. His reaction to my depression? I was weak. Incompetent. I should just "perk up".

Of course, I could not do that...and ended up going on and off different medications before I found the right one. Still - knowing that and being in the health care field, I never knew, or recognized, his depression. He expressed it through rage. I am a cryer - husband is not. I stupidly assumed his rage was him being a jerk, insensitive, MEAN. Now I think that yelling at me became a negative coping mechanism (that of course did not work).

Yesterday we had a heart to heart about his depression. He said he was happy he had me to come to regarding the depression - I tell him side effects, what to expect, etc. He said he feels terrible about the way he treated me when I was depressed - he didn't understand. He feels that if HE had been depressed first, he would have understood my depression better. Maybe so. Maybe we wouldn't be in the spot we are in.

He did say hurtful things - he said he loved the DOG MORE THAN ME!!!!! That he could KICK the dog, yell at the dog, and the dog just comes back, loving him even more. WTF??? I, of course, can't provide that little service...that hurt <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I try to focus on the fact that he does still say he loves me.

Another thing I am focusing on - at Christmas he told me he purposefully stayed late at work to avoid me. Last night he told me he was enjoying coming home to see me. That my presence, just in the house, was a comfort to him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am really, really Plan A'ing him, doing the dishes, cleaning up, tidying. Making dinner. I guess it's making a difference because last night he said that I'd been "really good" about keeping up with the house, and he just doesn't have the energy to do anything...and he feels bad about it...because I will ask him to do the dishes, and he doesn't, and now instead of nagging I just do them myself...and he said "I feel bad about that. It's my job to look after things too. But I come home and don't have the energy to do a thing".

I am really glad we now have this one thing...even if it is his depression...that we have in common and can work through together. I am trying to be supportive and helpful...something that makes him feel bad....but it's my job. The fact that he did not support me through MY depressive episode does not take the responsibility away from me. He is my husband and I love him and it's my job and I'm happy to do it. But...in a small way...I'm GLAD he feels bad. Isn't that evil of me? But I do. I can't help it. When I needed him, he wasn't there. But my not being there for him won't change what happened, and two wrongs don't make a right.

I am hoping his Dr gets him on the right med, he sees a good counselor, and our second appt with another MC goes well on Tuesday. The last one was a flake. It should be a regulated profession, seriously <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> We are making huge leaps on our own, but some outside guidance, CERTAINLY needed!

Anyone else dealing with depression in a spouse?

My hubby is depressed too-- and on anti-D's-- in addition to self-medicating with alcohol and vicodin. He's had 3 EAs, and I had one PA. We are a disaster, and he's very mean with very little capacity for empathy.

RIM...

I think a lot of men (& perhaps women too) who fall in love with an OW are finding a quick fix / home remedy for depression. I think that's what led my H to a devastating EA 10 years ago. The sad news is that it makes matters worse instead of "fixing" anything.

My H was depressed and feeling bad about He resented that I seemed to have it together with career, family etc. The fact was that I did the work and he was hardly invested at all. He felt sorry for himself and believed I didn't appreciate him while in OW he found somebody who thought he was the perfect man. He went from depression to "head over heels in love" in a week - instant cure.... He repeated this "cure" about 18 months ago and stopped when he got caught!

Is that anything like what your H's did?

I've wondered for a long time now if my WH doesn't have depression. He's the grouchy type too, not the crying type. But he can't STAND it when I suggest that he might be depressed. Last spring he said he wasn't happy...blah, blah, fog talk that comes out because he had already hooked up with the wart hog that boosted his self esteem. He comes around to see the kids and he still isn't happy. And I saw the grouchy/impatient side of him today. UGH how do you get them to seek help?

You said you were glad that he feels bad- human!! ;-) I'll be thrilled when WH and OW find out their happieness is a crock of bologna!

Oi... my story is very complicated. My H has 2 EAs while he spent about 2 years working out of town, that I never found out about until about a year after they happened. They may have been PA too, but I'll never know because I didn't find out until long afterwards and he tends to lie a lot to cover his own [censored].

I had a year long EA... that turned into a PA (that only happened once, and I never slept with the guy). I also moved out of the house for 8 months (although spent just as much time at the house as I did at my apartment after I moved out...). He had ANOTHER EA right after I moved out that was fairly involved... really I think the ONLY reason it didn't become a PA on his part was because they were separated by distance...

I moved back home in July, but H has a ton of resentment towards me and "self medicates" a lot with alcohol. He drank a lot while he was out of town a lot too...

See my thread for the complete story (sorry, I don't know how to do the fancy link thing...).

Right now, I am fighting for our marriage and plan A'ing him, and "he doesn't know what he wants" and may "just want to be single" and wants to just "start over" and everything is my fault and our marriage was never any good, it always sucked (according to him). Oh, and I get the ILYBINILWY all the time. So, he really sort of acts like a WS anymore. I snoop away, but no evidence yet that he's involved in another A... (this would be #4 for him...).

H is emotions are VERY volatile... he has pretty big mood swings, but is pretty miserable most of the time. MOANS AND COMPLAINS about everything in his life (me, our marriage, the weather, his job, the house... you name it, he complains about it...) but never does anything to fix his life. He's very angry and resentful. Pretty much, a miserable person to be around most of the time.

He's on anti-D's, and they've made some difference, but admittedly not as much as I had hoped <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> He needs to get into some good IC too to change his self destructive behaviors and thought patterns, but he refuses. Just to get him to get the anti-D's was a huge battle...

The depression definitely makes this a lot harder to deal with....

RIM

RIM - was your husband ALWAYS so lacking in empathy, or is this a new development?

I remember the husband I married. While never incredibly romantic or clingy, he was NEVER mean, nor hurtful. The past two years he has been a nightmare. We have been together 11 years.

I guess I am lucky - husband is very willing to try Anti-depressants, very willing to try counseling. I think he is very aware he is about to lose everything, and he has to do something about it.

AD's aren't the be-all-end-all, and I've told him that. Good IC, MC, and time and patience, and most of all, WORK, are going to come into play. I hope he has the heart for it. And I hope I do, too. He's hurt me so badly that I do admit, at times, in my darkest hours, I feel like throwing in the towel.

The trust is the hardest thing to lose <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Just a word from the wise, one THIS subject, only.

Vicodan, or any other opiate, fake opiates, whatever, makes a person very irritable, short tempered and combative. This is a given. And these side effects happen after only a couple of weeks. Complete change of personality. This would complicate depression symptoms.

I KNOW this. Ask Dr. Lemonman, gosh, I wish he was here to tell ya.

And anti-depressants are not the be all and end all of medications, you have to have a good Dr.that knows what to do. I was very fortunate that I was prescribed these medications and they did save me at the time. However, I did go to counseling and learned how to know when I was going into depression, and what to do to prevent this from happening again. I learned the skills to realize what was going on an how to deal with it.

Now if they could come up with a way to prevent the anxiety attacks it would be wonderful. LOL.

FYI. Take it or leave it. Just my VHO.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

It's funny. When I ask people about my WH, they say they have NEVER seen him happy. I seem to be the only one to experience that.

I would assume he is HAPPY with the OW.

Anyways, I have a sneaking suspicion that there was some depression with my hubby, but I believe it was mostly spiritual. Now that he is in a full addiction. I just have to keep praying......

When I saw him yesterday, he didn't look happy, in fact he acts happy, but there is really no joy in him. Another thing that WH has to find with G-d.