Hey all, i'm new here and I just really wanted to see if any of you guys had any advice for me.

I'm in a long distance relationship (I live in Alberta and he lives in BC) and we're both in college so seeing each other is only during school holidays, so we don't see each other very often, most of our relationship is corresponding on the phone and on MSN.

He's a really sweet guy, smart, chamring, and genuinely cares about me, and I reall love him. We have our issues, such as he's religious and i'm not...so you can immagine that creates some problems, but we are happy together and one day plan on marrying each other.

The other day I mentioned moving in together once I was done school and moved out there, and he totally flipped out on me telling me that he can't live with me without the commitment of marriage. I happen to strongly think that a couple should live together and share a space so they get to know one anothers querks.

I know i'm going to marry this guy so I don't see what the issue is in moving in together. I suggested that we live apart (Despite that i'm packing up my whole life and moving away from my family and friends just to eb with him) and do the real dating thing that isn't long distance until we get engaged and then we live together. He doesn't seem to keen on this idea either.

So I don't know if you guys can offer any advice...I read some of the letters on this web site about how it increases your chances of divorce, but if I know i'm going to marry him....I don't see what the issue is. If you could offer any little comments or help that would be lovely

thanks.

P.S. I know i posted this on another board, but I could really use some advice...and I saw that the traffic on this board is higher....

The statistics say that people who live together before marriage have a higher divorce rate. So I would advise against it. The religion thing is a big red flag also. If his religion is very important to him, and you could care less, there will be many problems.

I do think it is a good idea for you to move there - after school, and get some IRL dating experience before you marry him.

Shacking up is no predictor of success in a marriage.

I suggest you read Harleys book "The One" also known as "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders" A renters relationship (aka shacking up) is totally different to a Buyers relationship (aka marriage)

I would have to agree with your boyfriend on this one. If you are asking him to go against his faith, which dictates not living together before marriage, that is dangerous territory. I would also suggest that you guys are at some point going to have to work out something in regards to your differing views on faith.

Putting that aside here's another reason to hold off on living together. When two people get married that should be a committment for life, of course this is not always the case as this website testifies to, and I can testify to this personally with my own situation. The point is when people live together before marriage then they have an easy out, and the committment that comes with marriage is somewhat dimished. Does that make sense. I had someone explain it to me and it made perfect sense, but I may not be explaining it right.

If you know you are going to marry him, then why not ......marry him? If this is the case, then there would be no reason to delay your committment, right?


That is the statement of a RENTER, not a BUYER. They should get to know each other's QUIRKS before they make a committment. If one is living together to TEST out each others "quirks" then that is exactly what Harley describes when he says this is a TEST, not a committment.

The issue is that living together increases your chance of divorce. Did you read Dr. Harley's articles on shacking up? Basically it is a RENTERS AGREEMENT and not a buyers agreement. A renter is not committed [if he were, he would BUY] which makes the arrangement tenuous. If you aren't ready to get committed in the first place, the arrangement starts out as a TEST, rather than a committment, to see if you like the place. Since there is no committment, it only lasts until something better comes along.

Unfortunately, those RENTERS TRAITS become engrained in the relationship and the tenants treat it as a RENTAL, which explains the high divorce rate.

I think your boyfriend is looking for a BUYERS AGREEMENT and you are actually looking for a RENTERS AGREEMENT so you may not be marriage material at this time.

Here is one of his articles: Living Together Before Marriage

Y'all don't sound very suitable to marriage to me. Different religions, different ideas about relationships [ie: shacking versus marriage], and a lack of committment on your part. Without committment and without a common fundamental worldview, the "relationship" will be fraught with problems before it starts.

Perfectly explained MelodyLane.

Sheesh - she only used 10 times as many words as I did to say the exact same thing.

ROTFLMAO

wow....those were all things I didn't really want to hear, although i'm sure it's better that I did.

I don't exactly know what my hesitation is in marrying him, I truly do love him and I do want to marry him....just nto yet, I think I have to try out the living on my own thing, I mean living with my parents when I go to school doesn't exactly give you practical living skills.

As for the comment of being uncommited, just because I don't think i'm ready for marriage doesn't mean I have a alck of commitment to him, I think having a two year long distance relationshipa nd remainig completely faithful and in love shows quite a bit of commitment.

The whole waiting for marriage to move in seems a little old fashioned to me, like my parents need to give him a goat to marry me first.

I'm sure his hesitation to move in with me have little to do with his religion, I think it's more of a fear from reading Dr. Harley's articles. I just don't see how we'll ever know the true us together 24/7 if we never live together, seems like a lot of added strain on a marriage that could be avoided.

i hafta disagree with some of melodylane's comments...
(i'm the boy she's talking about)
there is certainly no lack of commitment. she knows she does want to marry me and knows there will be a lot of adjustment and negotiation at every stage of our relationship.

she is by no means looking to shack up till some nicer guy comes along, the way she explained it was that she wants to make sure i don't have any quirks that can't be overcome

i understand her point of view. i just think it's ... well i disagree, hence the argument

aand, about the religion thing. the reason i don't want to live together is only partly because of my religion. moving in before marriage wouldn't necessarily be against my interpretation of christianity, it only cautions against it (from what I understand)

I'd love to see where your "green light" comes from biblically speaking LOL.


You reall do need to read and understand Harleys basic concepts. Then you would not even entertain that possibility.

Shacking up by it's very nature does not "test" what you want to test and is in and of itself EVIDENCE of a lack of committment.

Envirogirl-if you truly love him-you need to respect his religious views, which for him includes not living with someone until he is married.

The study on living together was done by a secular university. The data showed that over 70% of the couples who live together didn't ever get married-they end up splitting up.

Of the ones that did marry, more than half of those marriages endid in divorce. This is statistically higher than the average marriage.

The researchers didn't really know the reasons why the statistics are what they are. Perhaps there might be something to his religious beliefs than just fear. Those of us who share his values believe that it is best to follow God's plan because God wants to give us the best things in life, and sometimes He has set things up a certain way to make sure the best happens.

You won't truly know the real "us" until you make the commitment to become "us" and that-for your boyfriend-means marriage first. If you love him, you won't push him to do something that he believes violates his faith.

so how do you suggest we test, what we want to test?

and you're right, if I love him I would wait, and I will wait because I do love him, and I do respect his faith, even though I don't always understand it.

I suggest that you understand that there is NO problem that cannot be overcome if you are prepared to follow Dr Harleys Basic Concepts.

Compatibility is CREATED by your actions IN MARRIAGE.

bigkahuna.....that's like saying you can put any two people together, have them get married and as long as they are willing to work at it they will become compatible...and fall in love.

you make a good point, but she should still give weight to her own beliefs
that's what she's been doing so far: asking why i believe this way, and explaining why she believes her way
the trump card of "if you loved me you wouldn't do this" is the stereotypical taker attitude

That is EXACTLY correct. I'm glad you are getting it.

That my dear is how the love bank works.

Stick around and do some reading here on the home page about the Policy of Joint Agreement, emotional needs, and the other stuff on marriages.

And I promise you that you BOTH have little quirks that will be annoying. The point is to commit to being married whatever your feelings du jour are.

You really do need to read the Basic concepts here. Dr Harley provides a wealth of information here for free. Use it.

i've read it, but just because i've read it doesn't mean I think it's correct.

and you can't make two people love each other, that's why you fall in love with hopefully, one person in your lifetime, at least enought to marry them.