I heard, "I love you", but could name 50 reasons why that wasn't true. Then I heard, "Ive cheated multiple times". Sad thing is we are married. I knew it, but couldnt accuse him because of the integrity I had, I believed everyone has. Apparantly the cheating started before we were married. I want to ask questions, but I don't even know where to start. I know it's not my fault. I lived selflessly, putting him first as I hoped he would me. I have been reading, even recommending the site to everyone married, and unmarried. Nothing I read prepared me hear, what I had already known. He just confirmed that I was not stupid, I know too much about him, his mannerisms, actions. Usually can detect the slightest change in him. Would even ask him "who she was". Little did I know "she" was "them". I am at a lost, looking for some direction.

How long have you been married? Any kids?

I'm sorry for your pain...

You need to give us a little more information...

Tell us your story...

He's obviously confessed...

Do you want to save the marriage?

Does he want to save the marriage?

Is he still cheating?

A little more info would be helpful...

I read this post today by Pepperband.... It helped me understand alot about this and how it affects a marriage...

Here's a link

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...&PHPSESSID=

Not sure if you all read the "just found out" section. I am the object of betrayed with a kiss.

Gotcha. Hubby is full of poetic writing, but does is he actually DOING anything? We always advise to ignore the words and watch the actions.

Please allow me to apologize. I don't know how I thought it would be tied together.

His confession. The first time he confessed, was watered down to say the least. Then he told me it was a lie, just to see how I would react. I usually don't forget much, but anyone who has been there knows life quickly becomes a blur. After hearing what I heard a couple days ago, I don't remember him telling me it started before we got married.

As I said, it was watered down (judging by what I just heard) on top of that lying about lying.
Since that, and reading his post, he's decided to tell "more" of the truth. Right now, I am numb. Dealing with my daughter's physical problems, helping someone with cancer, now my niece has no place to live, trying to go to school...this is a bit much.

For reasons, I can only attribute to God, he's still alive. He did it in the apartment we share. On the sofa that my daughter sleeps on. Angry would be an understatement. Hurt, well, if I can deal with the anger, I know the hurt will come too. I can stay happy inspite of the life Im living, but brief moments come, and I have to go to the bathroom...just so my daughter doesnt see me cry. So no one else asks me what's wrong. I'm ashamed, and why I haven't the slightest clue. I took the bible literally, when it told me how to love my husband. Forgiveness, we don't get to choose, if they ask for it, we have to give it. This is what my bible says.

My bible also only gives me the freedom to divorce in the event of adultery. What happened in the physical is only the outward manifestation of what happened in his heart. Im confused about the legalities. Is vaginal penetration the only way a person can commit adultery? Does oral sex count, phone sex??

You have some very valid questions. I wish I could answer them, but I cannot. I can tell you that I loved my husband, no matter what. I believe when two people want the same thing, they can accomplish anything. I can tell you he says he loves me, but again, outside of his infidelity, his heart was far from me, or my needs. My belief, you CANNOT love someone, and hurt them in this way.

Nothing has changed.

He woke up, I was already awake, he went to get something to eat, returned to the bed, said it was belated..but good morning, almost an hour later.

Same thing different day.

He went to the church I go to and had a session with a minister, he says he's sorry a lot.

I keep asking questions, I don't know why. The truth comes in stages. It took awhile for him to tell me something happened in this apartment...more like days it took. Funny how he attempts to "spoon feed" me the truth.

I'll prolly cry myself to sleep tonite. Im holding it in because my daughter is still awake.

My beliefs say you are free to divorce him according to the Bible.

How long have you been married?

It will be 2 yrs April 14th.

And you have a child with him?

Thanks for your help. Pain has a way of uniting people, but its hard to strive for that same unity across denominations. I want to say I can see where I went wrong. I was stuck between being with a man that I wasnt married to, and trying to please a God I had turned my back on. Marriage would have been my next step obviously, but I presses myself and him too. I thought it was the next thing 2 people who love each other do. I wish I had found this site before that. Lord knows I tell everyone to come here before they marry, while they are married, I just rave about everyone. Some people here are a bit harsh, but its the internet right? I lurked for awhile because of that, but pain pushed me past it. I hope any lurkers out there who are reading this, don't decided not to post because of the tone of some responses...for your sake, and the help you can get..get over it:) It might sound all the same, but we are still individuals.

Nope, previous relationship.

How do I know which to respond too? And where can I find the abbreviations?

When I respond to someone singularly I put their name down, and when responded to muliples I thank everyone.

You can answer more than one person in a post....

Thanks skinsgal,

I now know, from reading other posts, that Im surely in shock, no doubt about it. Now this is a place I have never been for long (a min or so), I'm almost afraid of what is next. I don't speak hurtful words, because I believe that you will have what you say. Wow again.

Hi Oneluv-

First of all let me tell you that I am sorry you have to be here but you are in the best place to be in these circumstances.

You should head over to the Just Found Out thread and look at the posting for Acronyms and Abbreviations. There is also WAT's guide for newly betrayed spouses.

Also, read everything on this site. Start with the most popular links and Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts and How to Survive Infidelity. If you haven't heard of it yet, you should try to get a copy of Surviving An Affair (SAA). It outlines Dr. Harley's Plan A and Plan B in detail and explains the purpose of both.

This is a good place to ask questions, vent, and ask for help. It is the place that helped me realize I wasn't going crazy.

You are in good hands with skinsgirl (Hi Queenie!) and believer. SG is a few steps ahead of you in this process. And believer is a great source of information and support.

(((Oneluv)))

And JT is a light for me that keeps me going and smiling.

Love you JT...How was the reunion?

Slight thread jack (TJ)-

Fun! And it was fun to meet my friend's little boy. They live in Freemont behind the school there.

I posted on your thread- end of TJ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I thought I wanted to make sense of it. But Im back to the basics. From the beginning, I asked him, if you have to cheat on me, just walk away. He knew how I felt about people who cheated. To me it is the absolute worse thing you could do to a person.

Side question. I was just reading another post, and her spouse sprung the "unapproachable" garbage. Is that something that cheaters always say? I knew he was talking to someone, he wasn't talking to me. Tried to say he wasn't a talker, but of course phone records told another story.

Yanno, I think I'm going to look back at all the things I was told, and take a hint. Im very offended, but not about the cheating. About the "now" you wanna be here, "now you wanna work on this. He stared me in my face and lied to me. How can I ever trust anyting he has to say? What do you do, when you don't believe he ever loved you? How can you build on a foundation that never existed? And to come to grips that you loved someone who didn't love you back?