LOVEBUSTERS PAGE 248
“Those with a history of addiction usually have a difficult time learning to be thoughtful. The self-centeredness they perfect as addicts stays with them even when they’ve overcome the addiction What looks like thoughtfulness often turns out to be manipulation----they appear to be thoughtful to get their way.
True thoughtfulness accommodates the feelings of others for their sake.
It is a willingness to give up behavior that is offensive to others and create new and appealing behavior. You create romantic love when you do something that is deeply appreciated. It’s preserved when you avoid behavior that is deeply resented.”
I feel really awkward writing this.
Several other threads on this board revolve around alcohol/drug addiction at this time.
For the past 3 years or better I have always lurked hoping to see how they came out. With my work schedule I would see them come up and follow for a few days and then loose them or they would drop off the board. This winter I have some time so I have been able to post and follow a few.
I’m gonna go out on a limb with this.
I could write pages of what has happened in the past. Most of my posts concerning the past would look much like the ones seen now when its obvious there is alcoholism/drug addiction in progress.
To “us” the viewer we can see it so clearly.
To the poster the denial (concerning the addiction) has set in so strong and the belief that they can “SAVE the OP and M” is so strong that they are not emotionally able to see clearly or receive clearly suggestions from those of us who have been through it.
The affect of living with an addict happens so slowly-it is cunning –baffeling and powerful-It usually always leave us going “how could this happen”?
The normal “gauges” that would kick in for most people that sense “things are not right” become so off and distorted from living with an alcoholic/addict that receiving healthy suggestions seems foreign.
Four years ago I would have posted with all the obvious signs of living with an alcoholic wife and how the behavior became my “NORMAL” . My DS now 24 also lived in the house and drank irresponsibly. I ALLOWED THIS TO BECOME “NORMAL” BECAUSE I DID NOT SET AND ENFORCE HEALTHY BOUNDERIES.
He now has his own apartment approx 5miles away and a good ft job.
Four years ago Marks Post would have made no sense to me what so ever. You have to scroll almost to the bottom of the page.http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...art=13&vc=1
Plain and simple you on the MB’s board would have picked up on it quickly with a few questions and replies. Just like everyone else told me and everything I read “the change had to come from within me”.
Four years ago had you posted to me and I did not want to hear what you said (leave/seperate/raise her bottom/D) I would have been off to the next “FIX” for my alcoholic and M.
Another book, another site, another program. (Plan A-disaterous Plan B-would always be broken somehow- Divorce Busters 180-wouldn’t even notice)
I would avoid you if I did not like the message that you delivered to me or if you suggested fixing something within myself that I had control to fix or try.
A lot of people around me tried to help. I became obsessed with “fixing my M” but all the change had to be with her. What COULD I DO that would make her change? INSANITY…….
After 17 years of sobriety (did not work a program-put a cork on the bottle) I found myself feeling like I was cracking up and overwhelmed by the situation. I was so tied into and obsessed with fixing our situation that I risked loosing my job-finances were headed towards shambles-AO/DJ/VA-was everyday M life.
Several friends suggested Al-Anon. After going to four different locations I was able to walk in the door. I just couldn’t go in up until that point.
For the first year I did very little talking. It was too painful to hear my story coming out of the mouths of other people who did not know me personally.
The stories-not the same-but the situation is. Much like here at MB’s.
From that point on I began to grow. I went to AA for the first time. I actually completed the task my group counselor suggested when I was discharged-Read the Big Book and go to meetings. I actually got a sponsor-Worked the steps with a sponsor and continue to today.
At some point (2004??) my W started an A with a “party buddy”. He supported her drinking in every way. How long the A lasted I don’t know. She has never been willing to discuss details. It was extremely hard to tell the difference from the alcoholism. When she would drink she might be home at 8 o’clock passed out or it may be closing time. I never knew. The A and alcoholism were as one.
Extreme Independent Behavior with both situations.
As this was happening boundaries were starting to be built and enforced. My problem at first was going to extremes instead of seeing the middle ground where the real goal was. SEE MARKS POST
My goal was to get her into an inpatient alcoholism treatment even if it meant the end of the M. This whole time as weird as it may sound she was going to AA meetings and staying sober 5 days 15 days sometimes 30 days. The M at that point was in extreme withdrawal.
I got her parents involved. They knew very little about the situation. Every chance I had I would invite them to stop at the house when she was passed out or extremely strung out.
They had no clue how far it had gone. Together we persuaded my w to go to treatment. In Dec of 06 she entered and has been sober since.
I have found my way to change by working my programs, using MB’s articles/books for M advice and to be open to change.
I have always lurked in and out on this site but now my WW has 13 months of sobriety and has gave up her A (I AM SURE) about a year ago.
She has acknowledged the A and has apologized sincerely to me three times.
I find myself at the point where It may be possible reverse out of the Al-Anon teachings-protect yourself emotionally from the alcoholic behavior-
To MB principles. I have carefully let my guard down in small areas checking to see if it was safe. If it is not safe I cover back up with my defenses.
At this point now she is starting to ask how we can possibly get M going again. I am cautious b/c her sobriety seems strong but a lot of LB’s still exist. Over the course of time here mine have gone way down. By no means am I perfect.
The story is similar in 1986/1987. Alcohol use by both of us was a major factor in A’s then. There was no real recovery for either of us at that time.
I had several 1NS when drinking and even after I became sober woke up to her in the middle of an A. NOT PRETTY>AT ALL I started an A then. REAL MATURE duh??????
I would like to use the MB program for us although she has been resistant to MC or any type of program. Iv’e tried to introduce MB’s ideas and found resistance to them also.
My real question for this board is
Are the stories out of the LB’s book the only success stories there are with MB’s concerning alcohol/addictions M’s?
Is there anyone out there who has lived a share of their life emmeshed in alcoholism/addiction and ended up in MB recovery???
Would anyone be willing share a success story???
I hope some feed back or questions may trigger new ideas that I may be able to use.
Rocky-Formerly Known as Chris
Me 49 –
A/CD treatment 8/1986
Married 25 yrs
EA/PA –1986/1987 A Ended after 1 ½ yr seperation-NC w/OM for 4 months-Me N/C w/OW for 3 mo after W asked me to give her up
Mutual agreement to get back together
A/CD treatment 1988
EA/PA 2004?—10/2006? Mixed w/alcohol relapse
Treatment 12/06 W-Just wants to leave A in the past-“WE” know what to do
Me-Houston-We have a problem (we need to work on) here