Hi all,

I recently posted in this forum around a week ago after initially finding out about what I thought at the time was strictly an EA, but supposedly not even that far, according to my husband. It was a very bizarre situation with me receiving an anonymous letter telling me that my husband had been having an affair for the past 5 years with an old high school friend in PA, we live in VA. I posted the letter here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3386310

As you'll see in my post, I initially believed him when he swore that it was just a friendship and nothing more and that she was the one that initiated, etc. Our marriage had been on the rocks for years, probably a good 10 years at least and progressively getting worse all the time. We were basically living as roommates for the most part and hadn't had sex for at least the past 2 years or so.

Well, after my gut kept telling me that something more had gone on with the OW I found charges on my H's credit card for hotel stays in PA that were only 5 minutes from his family's home. He NEVER would stay at a hotel if he was visiting his family!

So, long story short, yesterday he finally admitted everything to me as he was in obvious torment the past few weeks over the fact that he kept lying to me about it.

All along he has wanted to work on our marriage, that much is true. However, due to many deep rooted issues that he's never addressed he put up such a wall between us it was virtually impossible to deal with him.

Anyway, he did have a PA with the OW, who is also married, btw. According to his charge records it looks like they probably shacked up around 15-20 times over the past 4 years, mainly due to logistics, I'm sure.

He insists over and over again that she didn't mean anything to him and he's loved me all along and is SO remorseful and sorry about hurting me. I really want to believe that she didn't mean anything, but it's hard to after all of the lies. He did tell me that he told her he loved her, but he was more infatuated with her than anything else. Regardless, those were very hard words for me to hear!

The hardest part for me is not necessarily the actual PA itself, although that hurts beyond belief, it's the lies and betrayal for all of this time and the extent he went to even after this letter came to still not tell the whole truth. He said he was scared to death that I would immediately file for divorce if he told me the truth and he was too afraid of losing me.

Is it normal to at first constantly have pictures running through your mind of your spouse with the OW (or man)? I have a vague idea of what she looks like based on descriptions from friends, so that's enough to conjur up these horrible images in my mind.

How long does it take for that to go away or does it ever? How long for the hurt to become more bearable? I just don't know how I'm going to get through all this pain, it is so overwhelming!!

Now I feel like such an idiot after re-reading my first post, it just hurts so bad!!

Thanks for your support <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(((hopefulone23))) I'm sorry you are feeling like you are. I think all BS's have been there.

I also think it's normal for the pictures to run thru your mind, along with any emails you read,etc.

How long does it take for that to go away or does it ever? How long for the hurt to become more bearable? I just don't know how I'm going to get through all this pain, it is so overwhelming!!

For me they start going away slowly over time. Unfortunately something will trigger you and you find yourself feeling the same way you did when you first found out. IMO how much time depends alot on the remorse level, and level of committment your WH makes.

The pain is overwhelming at first. Again the level or remorse and committment of your WH makes a huge difference.

Trust comes much more slowly.

Have your read survining an affair? That may help you understand some of the dynamics. I'm sure more experienced MB vets will offer you more/better advice.

Thoughts and prayers to you.

So sorry for you, I know exactly what you are going thru, mine was D-Day 11-19-07, and it was a hard one to swallow, because I thought everything was going so well, better than in the past, I have been married for 20yrs this past January. What has helped me get thru it all is reading all the post and the articles that Harley has written, there is another site I found yesterday that helped also: http://www.dearpeggy.com/affairsmenu.html . It has gotten easier but there are up days and down days, more up than down as time passes, things are going very well in our marriage, we are working on keeping the marriage together. And he has done everything in his power to make it easier on me, following all the rules and is truly sorry for what has happened. I have supplied my H with all the information that I have found and he has read everything done everything that this material has asked and then some.

(you said)
Is it normal to at first constantly have pictures running through your mind of your spouse with the OW (or man)? I have a vague idea of what she looks like based on descriptions from friends, so that's enough to conjur up these horrible images in my mind.



Yes, it is normal, but what helped me get thru that as satisfying my questions I asked of him, and he did not hold anything back or sugar coat, because he knew I wanted the truth no matter how I would hurt. But it helps so your mind doesn't put things there that might need to be there. I guess if you read Josephs Letter it can explain in more detail. Or even the site that I gave you. Hang in there!!

(((((((((HO23))))))))))

Kathy

I am almost at the 2 yr mark for my d-day and I can tell you that what you are feeling is completely normal.

At first, the pain is almost unbearable. In my own case, I was obsessed, thought of nothing else and needed to know details. Disclosure by my H happened in a similiar fashion to your situation. That is normal as well. Rarely does the BS get the entire story up front. If only the WS realized that a slow trickle of truth is, for a BS, like dying from a thousand cuts. It would be so much better if they would just come clean. But, rarely does that happen.

I remember my H telling me that it took him so long to divulge the complete truth because he didnt feel safe at first. One thing that I did that helped tremendously was, whenever I had a question and he would answer, no matter how painful it was to hear I would listen and say nothing and then say "thank you for being honest". I just let my emotions be really raw. For us, my H never told me how he felt about things because he felt I would get "angry". So, for years - he kept things to himself. It wasnt until I made it "safe" for him to talk that he started to talk.

I cant say that was an easy transition for me to make, but I came to understand that there are "hard" emotions and "soft" emotions. Anger is a hard emotion. It is essentially just defensive hurt.

Now, almost 2 years later - I still think about the A, but not as much. The images are not as painful. It is there, the pain, but it is in the background as opposed to the foreground of my life.

I would suggest purchasing and reading together:

After the affair Janis A Spring
How can I forgive you? Janis A Spring
Not just friends Shirley Glass

as well as all of the Harley books.

If you can, schedule at least one appt with Steve or Jennifer Harley. They will give you a plan to follow for rcovery. I cant say enough about them. My H and I were in MC for a year post d-day and it did no good. After 2 months of counseling w the Harleys, we were so much better.

I am so sorry you find yourself here. Living in the aftermath of an A is horrific. Your H, if you are to truly recover needs to be completely honest and open, and follow a set plan for your recovery. Otherwise, you will never heal.

Keep posting. People will help you. You CAN recover from this. In my own case, most days you will hear me say that my M is far better than it ever was. I still have some days where I struggle with the hurt and betrayal but overall - well - things are good.

Just keep breathing. You can do this

Read those books. Pretty much just listen to JustKim! She helped me alot when I got here, and I know EXACTLY how you feel!

You will just have to trust us that yes, things do get better from where you are now. Some of that is just simply time, some of that is influenced by you and your H's actions as well. You two need to commit to recovery. NC, NC letter, 15 hours a week together, counseling, following the MB basically, its all laid out for you. Doesn't mean its easy, but its right there for you to seize.

Oh, you also need to tell OW's husband. Yup, you really do.

Sorry you're hear, sorry your worst fears were realized. Take hope in the fact that you aren't alone, and everything you're feeling is normal.

Hi Hopeful,

For a minute I thought I was reading my story. I think my d day was the 1/23/08, anyway it goes, im so numb right now. My husband told me(lied)about his affair (became multiple trists). Now he wants to come clean, he tells the truth. Except I don't get it all at once, it literally felt like he was cutting me all over again. I too have the same questions, but didn't know how to put them. Thanks for posting. Ill watch your thread. I don't know how to deal with the betrayal and the lies either. I wish you the best.
Huggers.

Thanks so much everyone for your replies. It is so helpful, I just can not describe how much!!! I will definitely check into counseling with Dr. Harley.

It's comforting to read about others who have gotten through this and are able to make the M work.

I hope and pray that will be the case with us. I know we both want very badly for things to work, and please believe me that I'm not shunning my responsibility here, but my biggest concern is that my H has such deep-rooted issues that have never been dealt with, the main one being that he truly never grew up emotionally, that I pray this is the lightening bolt that will help turn things around for him.

He's in individual therapy, as am I, and we're both going for Marriage therapy together, and all 3 therapists are working together as a team to help us through this. I truly believe it will "take a village" here to make things work.

I will definitely get the books you recommended, JustKim. I'm so glad things have worked out for you and the others who posted here. And I'm glad to hear that as time goes on the pain will lessen somewhat.

I'm not glad to be here, but I'm so glad to have found others like you all who have been through this nightmare and to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Hopeful123