I don't know where to post this, so you may see it in other areas also. I was married for 10 years. Me and my now ex have 2 young children together. We had a very rocky marriage that was both of our faults. We carried baggage from our childhoods into our marriage. I was unhappy, he was unhappy and I always wanted out of the marriage when we got into arguments (which could get very heated). I would be ok when we made up but then we'd argue again and I'd want back out. I learned from my mom to say divorce all the time. She did this to my dad all the time (they're still married). When I was 8 1/2 months pregnant, my husband started having an affair with someone he met in a bar one night. I found out after he had been seeing her 4 months. We got a divorce because of this. I couldn't handle the affair and couldn't move past it. He saw the OW for 1 1/2 years then they broke up. During our time apart, I saw noone. I took the time to work on my issues by seeking counseling, reading books and joining forums. It did wonders for me. About 7 months ago, we started talking again and he moved back in shortly after that. Everything was fine for about 2 months then he started growing distant. This went on for about 3 months until I finally asked him to leave. He wasn't happy here and I didn't want him here with those conditions. Thru all of this (our divorce, our time apart) I realized that he is the one that I love and want to be with forever. I can't imagine being with someone else. He has been gone for about 3 weeks. He has just contacted me again saying that he wants to work on this because he feels the same way. He says that he felt weird before because of everything that's happened and was scared to get to close for fear of things going back to the way they were. He wants to take it slow with us remaining in separate houses. He wants us to date and get to know one another all over. I, on the other hand want to jump right on in and make things work. I have agreed to do it his way, but it's killing me because I love him and I want him back with me and our kids. I have missed him so much and I just want to have him back NOW! In this kind of situation, do you think that slow is best? I'd really like your input!!!

Here's a little input:

* Yes, go slow. If you are really aiming to spend "forever" with him, you'll need a good foundation to build a lasting relationship upon. You can't build a house that will last forever on a base of shifting sand.

* Get him to agree to go "test drive" three different couples counselors with you. After you've been in those three "test drive" sessions, sit down and discuss the pros and cons of each counselor. If you both agree that you liked one of them, agree to try three months of couples sessions together. (Note: Don't take a short-cut here. Go see at least three so that you will make a decision based on more than one counseling experience.) If you are unable to agree on one of the initial three "test drives", agree to "test drive" three more and repeat this process.

* Read, read, read! Obviously, the tactics and strategies that you all used before did not work. You need to change your approach if you ever want to change your outcomes.

* Find a way to come to terms with your own past. It sounds like you grew up in a very toxic environment. Now is your chance to leave that behind and create your own new life as a mature and self-defining adult.

Good luck!

I certainly would not jump into anything right away - seems like you already did that once, an dit didn't work. And to put your kids through this pattern of "daddy's in, daddy's out, daddy's in..." is too confusing.

I would recommend taking some time and going really slow - make sure you two can demonstrate some consistency in your feelings towards each other, and decide if you really want to (and can) be married to each other.

If you feel like "it's killing you" to be apart from him, after you already divorced, then I think you need to fix that first, because it appears to be a bit unhealthy, which is not a good trait in a marriage partner.

AGG