I understand he quit his coaching job - but so what - that's only one factor.

Not sure I'm following you bigK. Since resigning, the OM has not been present at any of the team's practices or games. With very few exceptions my W has not been present at any of the practices or games without me.

What other "extraordinary precautions" did you have in mind?

OK - That's fine - thanks for clarifying.

My wife's FOM has been an entitled royal PIA since the affair ended over 2 years ago.

So today is off to a rocky start. I have been getting increasingly pissed off about the situation (i.e. that my W hates me because of my decision to tell our kids) and this morning said that I need her to tell me this week what her plan is for us overcoming this obstacle to our recovery and happiness together.

An increasingly heated conversation ensued during which she said things like "you have forever changed the way the kids look at me" and other priceless lines, culminating with her to me: "go f*** yourself" to which I said that I am ready to contact my attorney.

She also is upset that I alone made the decision to tell them, that I did it without her approval and in fact in spite of her disapproval. I told her that when she decided to have the A she ceded her right to any say in how the aftermath was handled. She flat out disagrees with that as it pertains to the kids, saying that we are both their parents and neither of us should make this sort of decision without the input and approval of the other. This may be an intractable problem for us.

So there are two "big issues" standing in the way of recovery. In addition to her resentment over me telling the kids it is also clear that she believes that I was motivated out of a desire to punish her.

She is not optimistic that anyone will be able to change her thinking on either of these issues but apparently is not ready to pull the plug on our M. I told her that I don't care what approach she wants to take but that continuing the status quo (i.e. trying to work things out on our own) is not a viable option. She is adamantly opposed to Marriagebuilders / Harley counselings, which is disappointing. I told her that I am not very interested in the approaches that she does not like but am interested in hearing about the approach that she would like to take and that I need her plan this week.

Stay tuned.

Tired:

STOP

TALKING

TO

HER

ABOUT

THIS.

She has it to BEAT you with it. IGNORE IT.

DO NOT TAKE THE BAIT.

You told the kids.

She screwed another man.

Yeah, well that ain't equal in MY book.

I didn't like facing my son and telling him that I had a girlfriend, either, right after Dday.

So stop talking to her about it.

Why did her affair stop?

Because people started to know, right?

So, IF nobody knows, her A continues. Simple as that.

And if your pissed because she is angry with YOU about this, STOP. So What. You can't do a thing about her ANGER. And HER RESENTMENT.

Just Plan A and be the Husband and Father you can be.

This TOO shall pass.

SHE is realizing how stupid she was, and realizing that "YES, I was the OW!" and her SHAME is causing this reaction. But she is in withdrawal, as she moves through this process, she will have much less resentment. Because she will realize that she became something she wasn't. And then recovery will really start for you to.

LG

LG - Thanks for the advice. I don't plan to talk to her about it any further. However, I need to see some action on her part that demonstrates her interest and commitment to making our M work. I have Plan A'd since d-day which is maybe a really short period of time relative to what others here have experienced but she has a track record of not dealing with her issues. I am not willing to continue to Plan A in the hope that somehow, magically, everything is going to get better.

And, speaking of Plan A, it's not as though I was a horrible H to begin with. I took care of her EN (as I understood them) and really my LB behaviors were few and far between. I am willing to accept criticism and acknowledge my role in creating the marital state that lead to my W's unhappiness and A but the bottom line is that it was her decision and her choice. And she has issues that I cannot help her - other than to be supportive, etc. - resolve.

If she is not willing to seek help of some sort in dealing with her issues then I am close to the point of interpreting that unwillingness as a lack of true committment to save our M.

TIM.. tell us again what you are doing... for you
what happines building actions are you doing for you.
also i suggest you get into therapy and quit waiting for her. by waiting for her you are making your happines coningent on what she does. Fill your tank with happiness..
all the best
JB

tim - If you haven't already, please check "eye of the storm's" thread. He's getting the same why-did-YOU-tell-the-kids venom from his WW and there's lots of good advice over there.
Mulan

Or, it could be that she is ashamed of herself, subconsciously, and is ashamed to look her kids in the eye after exposure, and thus the misplaced anger at you.

IIWY, I would tell her I'm following MB anyway, because I want the marriage to work, and it's proven to work. I will keep her informed on what I'm doing, and will welcome her to jump in any time. I will also be scheduling meetings with the Harleys (or a local C) and I will be saving her a place there - if she refuses to attend, I'll assume she's giving up. Use a position of strength.

I made an appointment with a counselor that I met with last May. The appt is Friday. I will invite my W to go but as of now expect that I will be going alone. Under that assumption, I don't know what I expect to get out of the session but nevertheless it seems like it couldn't hurt.

I am holding off for now on scheduling a telephone session with the Harley's, hoping that my W will agree to participate.

jerseyboy - as for my "happiness building activities", that kinda made me laugh. Thanks. I am able to exercise 4-5 days/week, continuing to spend great time with my kids, occasionally talking to a couple of good friends. Otherwise all time is spent dealing with this crap and trying to keep my head above water in my business.

mulan - Thanks. I did just now read approx the first half of EOTS' thread. I have used all (I think) of the arguments to support my decision to tell the kids, to no avail.

which brings me to...

cat - bingo!!! I believe that you are right on the money and that is an issue that I cannot do anything to resolve, at least not directly.

What sucks about this is that her current attitude is so much like her attitude pre- d-day that I find myself wondering if she has broken NC and has been simply trying over the last 2 months to "cake-eat".

It would be relatively more difficult to confirm NC now. She would not use her cell. She used a calling card from our home phone during the A. I have no idea how to track the use of such a card (assuming that I could even find it). As for the listening devices I would need to put those in multiple locations to have any hope of catching anything. A PI would only help if she and OM were together.

She has said that she doesn't want me to leave, that she doesn't want to leave, etc. But I suppose that's consistent with definition of cake-eating.

Anyway, hopefully I'll be pleasantly surprised on Friday and my W will agree to go with me to the C.

TIM,
While I admire your desire for C, be very carreful in the C you choose.

My first MC session, our MC didn't understand my need for total transparency and honesty after Dday.

She had the audacity to ask me "do you think your w is going to get drunk and then hop in the sack with some other man?"

Whereupon, I explained to her once again, "Mam, has it somehow escaped you that is exactly the reason that we are now sitting in front of you?

She was speechless for about 3 or 4 minutes. After that, she became our ex counselor.
Tread with care about family theripists. You would do much better with the Harleys.

All blessings,
Jerry

shine - thanks. I met with this C once before and found her to be pro-marriage and seemingly on the same page as me with respect to the issues we discussed.

FWIW I learned of her via the Hendrix Imago therapy website which I have seen mentioned by several posters on this site. Don't know exactly to what extent Imago and MB agree/conflict but as I said this C seemed OK to me.

Incidentally, one of the reasons that my W has given for not wanting to see this particular C is that I have given her my side of the story already and W feels that the C will have a preexisting bias against W as a result.

Well golly tm,
If she is pro marriage, you probably have your best clue there, don't you think?

All blessings,
Jerry

Isn't it always you vs. me? The only way a M can succeed is is if both parties stop pitting side against side. JMO

I suggest you go into plan B until she wakes up.

Really? I would be interested in hearing others' views on the merits of continuing Plan A vs. going to Plan B.

If you truly are at an impasse, then you have a couple options. You can cave. Not a very good option. Doing so will set you up for alot of resentment and will really damage your chance to recover. I'd consider that option to be off the table.

So somehow you gotta get her to let go of this. I don't think it real, her resentment about the exposure to the kids. I think its real on a very minor level, but think about it. It isn't rational. It is a tool she is using to attack you. It is something she can grasp that YOU DID that she can wield agianst you because she knows it effects you and it puts you off balance, makes you insecure. Makes you wonder "did I really do something so terrible there? I had my doubts about doing that before I did it. . "

She's exploiting that weakness in you. Why? To keep herself from having to take full responsibility for the A. Its a continuation of the A fantasy, and as long as she holds onto it, I don't think recovery will proceed. She's not truly remorseful, she's still blaming YOU. That could go on for a very long time.

Plan B? I don't know. You need to do something to shake the tree, but Plan B is a tool for ending an active A, I don't know that its quite appropriate in your situation.

I would set up an appt. with the Harleys, for you and your wife. If she balks, I would tell her that you NEED this to happen. It sounds like he is very good at breaking through this type of crap.

Tyk - I am in complete agreement with everything you wrote.

I have scheduled an appointment with the C that I met with last spring and this morning invited my W to join me. I'll see how this plays out before deciding about the Harleys.

I am not optimistic about the future of my M. My W said this morning that she could hear 500 arguments from 500 counselors and that would not change how she feels about this issue.

I hope she is wrong. I can feel my patience waning.

Wayward babble TiM. Remember when she said OM had nothing to do with your marital problems? Similar deal here. She will probably never like the fact that the kids know what she did, that is true. Just the same way YOU will never like the fact that she DID it. However, you are open to the idea that you will be able to move forward. Her not being open to the possibility that she can get over this is highly irrational.

You might ask her what she thinks would have happened had you simply chose to divorce her. Would she have expected her A to remain a secret then? Why would she do something that she is so ashamed of with someone so close to one of her children? How does she think her pushing this to the point of possible divorce is going to shape the kid's opinion of her? It is really surprising that your son didn't already know. Had her affair fantasy worked out, how did she plan on explaining to him her sudden relationship with OM? All these things are pretty easy to see, and I suspect that talking to her about them will have the same effect that talking to any WS about anything logical will have, but I think you might give it a try. Her answers will be a further indication of her state of mind if nothing else.

Really, the fact that she DOESN'T get this illustrates the fact that she is still not thinking clearly. I'd see what a counselor can do, its also possible that simply some more time is required for her to process what she has done.

You could always ask her to move out while she works through it, but I'd investigate any other option first.

Plan B is for ending an active affair but Dr Harley also recommends it in other cases such as when a spouse refuses to meet the othe rspouses needs.

In this case there may well still be an active affair. At the very least his wife has a wayward mindset.

Tired won't have much to save soon as he is already waning and his love for her is dying.

I recommend Plan B - she doesn't want to be divorced. She just wants to regain the upper hand and punish him. Plan B will fix that.