i have been here for ovr a year and i still don't get it. why on earth would you want to stay married yet date and have sex with someone else? i mean of this person really means so much to you since you ruined your marriage for it, then why not just get a divorce and move on with them? and in addition to that why constantly lie about your relationship? i mean when i am in a relationship i want to show everyone how happy this person has made me and how much i love them, so why is he hiding this from all his friends? i just don't get and the mor ei try the larger headache it gives me.

just needed to vent cuz i just don't understand.

The WS must know, somewhere deep down inside, that they are making a mistake. That's all I can figure out.

My ex had very little to do with me during his whole affair. Over the three and a half years, we talked for maybe an hour all together. But instead of just admitting he was living with OW, he continued to lie.

The affair ended less than 2 weeks after we divorced. Now he is kicking himself, is a complete mess, and wishes he'd never met his "soulmate".

Because it's the "secrecy" of the whole thing that makes it so exciting. The excitement of sneaking around, thinking that no one knows about it. Getting away with something...

Without stating the obvious, there are such deep and varied issues at work here that trying to "understand" it is almost a fruitless exercise.

Some have A's due to boredom

Others because of the thrill

Most do because of some deeply held opinions about themselves

Some use it as a cry for help

Many do as a final f/u out the door (exit affair)

Most are "not happy", yet have no clue what would make them happy...

The "why" is largely unimportant...

Sure we BSs contributed to the state of our M

Sure we LBd, DJd, etc, etc,...shame on us for doing so.

Some of our marital transgressions were more egregious than others

NONE of us deserve what we got, as evidenced by the fact that some BSs were utter saints, yet were still cheated on.

Seeking the "why" sometimes becomes the Holy Grail for BSs, thinking that once we gain that final enlightenment we can turn this train around...

In reality, it's entirely possible that once we find out the true "reason" why, it would still be incomprehensible to us b/c ultimately our WS is simply another being that does not share our understanding of the world...

Just my .02

L2F

Yep that was what was going on with us. He saw his father cheat and stay married, his parents SAID NOTHING and so he thought it was ok.

A message to all parents who do not tell their kids; THEY KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON, THEY TALK ABOUT IT WITH EACH OTHER and when you don't do or say anything to them, they think it is what they are supposed to do when they grow up too.

Children have eyes and ears, amazing innit?

It's called the sins of the father, as old as we are.

I'm just currious.... Someone asked me if my WW had been sexually abused by a trusted family member or friend as a child...

If she has... how would this affect her wayward behavior? (I guess this is the Why? L2F refered to.) She's a serial cheater... and as far as I can tell has done this to every man she's been with.