THanks Bugs! I really seem to need the support right now, I really hate that she's asking me to make a donate to the company out of the backpay...it's like the last straw, you know?

I think that a change would be great right now...fresh air sort to speak...but I'm not going to stop looking for another job...granted I want my Master's too but I'm sure that it will all work out the way it's support too...in God' time and not mine!

Main thing, keep the faith! Right?

(((Rin)))

Wow, you sound really strong. Not much to add, as it seems you've got your mind made up, and I for one back you 100%. I wouldn't stick around for that kind of treatment at work either.

God's lookin out for you girl.. you just keep on rockin it!

Strivin, about your back pay: Can you file a claim with your state Department of Labor for that money?
It's beyond chutzpah (brass [email]b@lls)[/email] for your boss to ask you to "donate" your pay to them. Cheesh.

HI, it's the back pay that they are asking me to donate a part of...it's weird...we have already been audited...

Nevertheless, because I have agreed to give some of it back, because I did not work the overtime, I was only making up hours that I was paid for in advance, I missed yesterday at work due to OS being sick...but I'm sure that I had to have worked some overtime in there some where...at this point, it's a matter of how important is it and it's not that important b/c I am leaving and they have learned a valuable lesson...

WEll, she tells me today that b/c I am willing to work with them on the "donate" that she is going to pay me for yesterday, it's the least that she can do...which makes no sense...she giving me like a third of what I'm going to give them later...she's actually crapping on herself...

These people are sick in their thinking...I was going to use a vacation day but instead I was told to write in my time like I worked the entire day...Stupid is as stupid does...

Hi, James! Thank you so much! Life sure is fast around these parts...community service, the boys, work, religion, LEAP tutoring...school...I'm doing the best that I can right now...My SPon. is coming over to watch the boys for me tonight since I have a business meeting to chair...

So, I'm trying to cook supper now, at least when I get back they will have had their baths, and have eaten...no homework tonight for OS and YS gets his done in no time! I ran out of powdered milk, so I guess I will just have to settle for something else to soak in tonight!

Okay...thanks for dropping in guys...

Morning! I'm having a rough morning today! Self-Doubt has been crawling around in my brain...I hear myself say things like I can't do this...thinking about getting my Master's and finding another job...

I want to say that I must be throwing myself into the future or worrying...something has got my in this funk...I mean I didn't want to come to work today...

Then, I remember thinking to myself am I always going to have this problem of people walking over my, treating me like crap and to be honest that scares the crap out of me...

It's kind of like "well, the grass it's always greener on the other side!" But it has been with my personal life so I guess I have to ask myself can it really be better in a new job...see what I'm doing to myself...I see it but it doesn't stop the thoughts in my head...

When you don't know that you are being treated poorly to knowing that you have been there is a certain amount of concern that I will put myself into that position again...

I'm just struggling today and I know that I have to focus on TODAY but I'm having some trouble...

Some insecurities which I don't normally feel but they are popping up...I hear what I'm telling myself...not good enough...can't do it...etc...

So, that's where I am today!

Ok.. here with the leaf blower to clear away some of that self doubt debris.


Rin.. your story of personal recovery is one of the most inspiring here on these boards. Look at what you have survived, what you've been through, and the transformation of yourself through it all.

You ARE strong, and you know where your boundaries are. How many people do you know in your personal life who can't say that? I know more than just a few..

I can do all things through He who gives me strength..

Remember that one?

I think you'll be fine, and you know deep down that it is to be expected a little doubt creeping in when you're thinking of throwing yourself to the great unknown.

I think there are two types of people who try to fight through infidelity and restore their M's.. the first type, which I'm thinking you and I probably most closely ascribe are those who settle easily into routines and comfortable grooves in their lives and don't like to upset the balance once that even keel has been achieved.. and then there are others who are stubborn (whether stupidly so, or righteously so).. which I'm sure we both bear some resemblance to as well.. but you get the picture.

Just here to let you know that you're normal.. I'd honestly worry about you if you didn't have some anxiety over the whole job thing..

Thanks James! I really appreciate the leaf blower and the quote!

Yes, I have been through alot and I guess I'm back at the point that I was when I left...feelings and thinking that I can't do it...not just about the job, but about the Master's and other things too...but no the D...and the kids...

I was just reading in "What happens when Women Walk in faith" that God doesn't always give us the shortest path to take and the author talked about Moses and his jounrey...

I think it's back to the fear of the unknown...more change and change is scary enough...

Then I have to admit that I now have a dream of what I would like out of my life and now sure how I go about getting that...you know the kind of person I would like to be with, the house, etc...so completely in the future and not one day at a time...I mean I haven't even gotten this D over with yet...

I'm going to try my best to refocus and have more faith...get back into that Pollyanna attitude that I'm known so well for...

Yanno Rin, sometimes when you've been to ****** and back (while trying to remain employed) it's better to start fresh. The thing is when you let your company in on personal problems, even though they commissorate and tell you they're rooting for you or whatever, you'll always wonder if they think less of you because of your troubles (even if they really don't).

With a new company, you can start fresh... clean record... no history. No need to let them know anything but life is rosy.

Are you kidding me? Doubts? Rin... after everything you've been through... you can do anything... and do it well.

It's kind of funny how perceptions change. I was thinking about this story the last few days actually, of Israel's 40 years in the wilderness.

God punished them for turning away from Him, and taking up false gods. Did not allow an entire generation into the promised land.

A scant few weeks ago I'd have looked at this kind of passage as a reassurance from God that He was working to deliver my wife and children home (to the promised land).. but now, I see it as a clear warning of what happens to those who take their eyes, hopes, and dreams away from Him.

It reminds me to pray for WW.. for my children as they are in the wilderness with her.. but I'm no longer triggered by thoughts of a return. I simply am focused on being the person God wants me to be.

I think PM's got a good point here too, that sometimes a fresh start all 'round is just what the Dr ordered. Put your faith where it belongs and the way will appear before you.

Got faith in you Rin! Keep your head up and your focus where it belongs.

Honestly, after all this.. if any situation starts to make me feel walked on or used ever again, I'd be expecting my gut to start making noise to tell me that I don't have to put up with it, and start looking for my walking shoes.. could be what's happening here with you... just a thought.

Morning! Pm, I agree with you! About the fresh start for several reasons, I will be able to met new people for one! Second, I'm tired of my bosses making excuses for me; I don't need an excuse. If I did something wrong, I was wrong, plain and simply. I can own that, I don't need someone making excuses for me because I have made a mistake. I can own that, makes amends if need be and move on...

BEsides, it's a reminder...STBX coming to work, us getting together with my co-workers, etc...I want to be free of it all!

But at the same time it's scary and I can't see how it will happen...finding a job that pays me as well as this one does...women typically make half as I do...so I'm relying on my faith...trying to remain hopeful and get through this season the best that I can...

James, we've talked about looking for signs before in life...well, I read your post and later, I read the same quote in the book I'm reading...

Now I know that it comes from Phil...anyway, I have been looking hard to try to find God's presence in my life right now...and I took that as one...a gentle reminder...

I think that all of this self-doubt is a result of the end of the D being near, a little more of the grieving process, but more than anything, I think that it's the same response that I had to leaving...a repeat of myself saying that I can't do this, I'm not strong enough, blah, blah, blah, and still following the path one day at a time...

That's one thing that I can say about myself, even with the doubt and fear, I still preserver, one day at a time... even when I feel that I can't, I'm afraid, I still press on, not changing my direction...

I minimize what I have been through too...PM, when you said that, I thought no big deal, nothing more than the next person...I actually thought about recaping that becasue I -know- that some of the stuff I have been through it not normal for OP, but it seems normal to me, so in my mind's eye it's nothing special...

Well, that's all I ahve this morning, I'm having trouble waking up today, I had to ahve slept very poorly last night...

TGIF!!!!

((((Rin)))))

Good morning!

So very glad to hear you sounding strong today, and I TOTALLY AGREE that it's wonderful when God reinforces something special in our lives, and reassures us that He does speak directly TO us, if we're only open to listening for Him.

Yanno, I sit and read what you said about perseverance despite fear and uncertainty. One word comes to mind: Conviction.

It's a quality to be respected, admired, and emulated. I believe that it is one of the fundamental building blocks of the Self Respect we need to rebuild our lives and survive what we've been through. To those BS's who recover themselves, I believe it is a quality that is difficult to come by at first, but is soon found to be an essential part of our lives.

It's a strength that doesn't come from the sins of Anger and Unforgiveness.. it isn't Resentment.. it isn't an emotional response.. it truly IS faith and self confidence based.

Got another one for you this morning:

"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted." Job 42:2

Rin,

I would suggest putting off changing jobs for the time being. Divorce and job change are two of the biggest stressors for people. Doing them both at the same time could be a bit too much. Give yourself a few months after the divorce to settle in....keep looking for a new job during that time...but be careful ablout putting too much on your plate.

Well, I'm more awake than I was early, not much...lunch will be a nap for me!

Conviction, that's something to think about...

Thank you for sharing that with me also...the new quote, wait I should say verse...I forgot my book this morning, realized it when I got to work...

Tomorrow is a year that I left...it was a horrible day, also a co-worker's b-day...that's what triggered the thought this morning, b/c he was standing outside the office when STBX showed up last year and I was scared...I told my co-worker that I was locking him out of the office...I was planning to leave but STBX found out ahead of time that I was D'ing him and I just thank God that I had gotten our clothes out the day before...

I freaked that day, I called my boss and she called the police...STBX was shocked that they were here for him...that night I slept at my bosses' house, then the next at co-worker's, and the Sunday we made it to our home for the next six and a half months, with my Sponsor...

It was the scariest thing I ever did...leaving...wow, it doesn't feel like yesterday...so much has changed this past year...and none of it has been bad...

I'm glad I sound strong...

Thanks James, for being here today...

HI MEDC! I missed your post...sorry about that...I'm not in a rush to change jobs...I figure it will come jsut when I need it...You know?

So, I can definitely keep looking...there's so little out there that's not oilfield related around here and I sure can handle a commute to New Orleans every day, not with young kids...

SO, it's going to take some time...I really appreciate you stopping in and posting...I take comfort in knowing that you lurk and keep tabs on me...LOL

My silent big brother...looking out! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Good Morning or what's left of it...I stayed up til 2 this morning finishing reading that book I was...

It also occurred to me why I'm struggling right now with finding another job and building new dreams...

We were pretty poor when I was growing up, at one point, my family filed bankruptcy and in order t eat for awhile we had to fish to eat...needless to say I hate eating fish and will seldom do it...when I wanted something I asked for work at our neighbors, starting at age 12...

College for me was my way out of the abusive drug and alcohol environment....an education was a means to having money or at least I equaled it that way...

I need fin. security, something that I didn't have as a child and also didn't really have in my M...well, the inner reason I want my Master's is because I think if I have the education then the money is there...

I also dream about that special someone and they need to be secure also...and that's where the questions, doubt comes in...I hear you can't do it, etc...and all my fear comes to the surface, with that fear comes the little voice with all the negatives messages...and even through I hear those messages, I still have faith that God will provide for me, somehow and someway...I know that my higher power will take care of me because I have send evidence in the past of his presences in my life...

Last night I got pretty lonely and it was late, I thought about calling someone but then, I thought turn to God, and let him fill you up...so I did, I finished reading "What happens when Women Walk in Faith!"

It was actually pretty good, it talks about the phases of out faith...and I believe that I'm in the death phase or winter season...waiting for the spring, the new growth to open me and have my dreams fulfilled ten fold...

It's a struggle to stay upbeat and have faith when you can't see the plan, but past experience says to me that the plan is better than my plan...I have to remember that nothing bad has happen to me, that I have been able to make it on my own...

And a reminder that I have to live in the present and not jump into the past or future...

One of my friends here says alot "don't give up 15 minutes before the miracle!"

So, I going to walk with Conviction reagrdless of my feelings, embrace this new life, work on being willing to be willing, enjoy the little things, why is that so hard to do...

To slow down, breathe, be still, stop and smell the flowers...

I feel better today...not really strong, but better...accepting that I have gotten to the bottom of why money and education or so important to me, why I fear and doubt myself about finding a new job, a new relationship, etc...I know the why's, the feelings that I have, and feel pretty good about that...

Thanks for all of the support...always a pleasure to have...

Sounds like you've been reading Secrets of the Millionaire Mind, since you've done a great job of outlining the old money blueprint you're wanting to change...

I haven't posted lately but I do read a lot - you're doing great!!

Thanks KA, I haven't heard that one...today, I'm starting to read "The Power of a Praying Parent!"

Thanks for the encouragement, I apprecaite it!

KA, you are simply amazing! That was exactly what I needed! I brought the boys to the book store and we hung out while I was there I read the first chapter and thumbed through the rest taking notes...it was the motivation I needed...

Along with the verse that I keep seeing...for the third time "I can do All things through Christ who strengthen me!" Phil 4:13 (Thanks again James!!)

This verse not rests on my mirror in my bathroom, I figured it I kept seeing it then it was meant to remind...I also have some other affirmation that I will be adding to it!

Bugs, I have to thank you for mentioning the "stick to a plan!" I will be sitting down and reevaluating my sitch and making things happen with what I DO have...

I have the motivation that I needed...I have some ideas about how to make my dreams come true...and will be looking into that...it may take some time but I have the strength again that I needed...

Heads up, shoulders are back, and I deserve my dreams!!!

You are very young, and haven't had too much experience. Now days folks change jobs a lot. If the next one doesn't seem to be a fit, then you change until you find the right one.

You amaze me, and are doing just fine. Continue working toward your goals and have confidence in yourself.

Thanks believer...things is I believe in being loyal and I think that has hurt me in a way...

I really do appreciate the affirmations...I hear all of you guys in my head so often...my reinforcement...

Finding MB was one of the best things that ever happened to me!