In an effort to spotlight some of the positive things we BS's are doing, I thought I'd check in and see what folks are doing for their W/ FW's for Valentines day.


My WW has told me a few times "don't get me anything for Valentines".
I think she feels really guilty and undeserving which is arguably the case. However, in keeping with the plan of doing what the good, romantic, "how could she possibly NOT love me" husband, I can't let this opportunity go by. Plus I do truly love her and want to do something nice.

Anyway, I had a bit of trouble deciding what to do. Didn't want to go over the top. Didn't want to be completely lame. I remember around Christmastime, some folks were posting about what to get their Wayward spouse for a gift, and one thing that stuck out to me was the idea of not getting something that the OP could benefit from. Seemed like a good idea then and though we're at a month and a half NC, still seems to make sense. So....
I got her a small bouquet of mixed flowers (not roses), a romantic card (boy was it tough to find a "wife" card that had a romantic message that wasn't about how wonderful EVRYTHING is about her...) This might sound lame to some of you, but she's fairly domestic (eg for a long time she told me she wanted a vacuum cleaner for Christmas, I felt like giving her something that equals work for her isn't a great gift...)
Anyway, for a long time she's talked about getting a covered cake tray, so I got one of those too.
So tonight, I pick up our 2 1/2 yo son at her night class, and we're going to bake and decorate a Happy Valentines Day cake together and have it displayed on her new cake dome for when she gets home along with the card and flowers. I'll also do a little craft thing and have the boy make her a valentine as well.
So, something simple, thoughtful, and the gift is something I know she wants.
Whaddya think?
What are other people doing?

I asked my FWH not to buy me flowers. For me flowers always are a mixed blessing gift as we have 5 cats who try to eat them and end up knocking over the vase resulting in in a mess to clean up. Also, I've been sick for two weeks so going out for dinner is a no-go. Darling FWH just called to let me know he was picking up loads of Chinese take-out from our favorite place.

For him, I am going with a nice card (not too gushy) and a lazer pointer which is something he has been wanting.

Who

[color:"red"] A mushy card
A box of his favorite sweets
and ... later on
a "Pepperband Special" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> [/color]

Hehehehe...Pep!

Well, I made a card with the boys last night for him. Today, I cut out read and pink hearts and put all of the things I love about him on them and then hid them in all kinds of places. He woke me up with a candle-lit bubble bath and a note on the mirror. It was a big heart that said "I love you." Then when I went to get my cup of coffee, there was a poem sitting on it. Then when I came downstairs, he had made a beautiful screen on my computer with another Valentine poem on it. In the other room, he put a little stuffed dog and a card. So, pretty much every room I went into today had something special. Very sweet...but he always has been!!!!

Well....I wasn't all that creative this Valentine's Day. It was an up and down week for us.

We had a MC appt together at 11:00 and was hoping we could go to lunch together afterwards but the appt was so emotional I didn't even ask him, nor did he ask me. I thought it was best to just step back and go our separate ways so we could soak it all in. Not to mention he'd already been away from the office for almost two hours at that point.

But, I did give him some chocolate covered strawberries in dark chocolate that he loves. And some chocolate covered popcorn from Peterbrookes and a card that spoke from my heart.

He out did me as always. He has always been great with gifts. Since we're separated, he snuck into the house and left me an awesome cookie bookay and the sweetest most wonderful card ever on my nightstand by the bed. It was the first thing I saw when I woke up. I am surprised our dog didn't give him away. He said he kissed me on the cheek too and I'm sorry I missed that. He was also late for work doing that for me. I felt very loved.

My 19 yr old DS gave me a heart shaped box of turtles too. I will be in hog heaven. I know what I'm having for dinner tonight. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I did get to have lunch with my 20 yr old DD today and that was awesome. I gave her some of her favorite candy in a valentine bucket with a cute heart flower card stuck inside with tissue paper. It was cute. She loved it. I made one for my son too and he ate the whole thing already. He said he started eating it for breakfast and had it finished by lunch time. He's looking a little ill now......lol.....

I'd love to make my DH a nice steak dinner tonight but I think he may be too drained to want to do that. I did invite him over just so I could hold him though if he wanted me to. I think he may need some time alone. I'll be here if he needs me.

It was a really bad day for him. He sister is in a really bad way right now and hasn't shown up for work in two days. The step mom went and checked on her this morning and she's kinda out of it. The first thing he spoke to our counselor about today was an intervention for her. I know he is beside himself on this. She is his only sibling as well.

Bless his heart. Rough morning for him hearing about his sister then the MC appt that was rough.

I'll try to show him as much love as I can with NO relationship talk.

That's our day.

Since DW and I have both been under the weather all week and I've missed all but a half day of work this week because of it, I'm going to order Italian for us for dinner. Sent her an Ecard earlier, can't seem to get enough strength to go out shopping, but we already have plans for breakfast on Saturday, the Good Lord willin' and the creeks don't rise...

Pep, Are you playing an old Beatles album during that special?

Mark

Edited to add: Soon after I posted this, DGD began to get sick and her mom, DD, took her to the hospital ER. DW met them there after work. Dinner got canceled and everyone is just now getting home and getting ready for bed.

DS also arrived home this evening, here to commiserate with those who knew or know one of the students shot this afternoon at Northern Illinois University. NIU is about one hour from here, maybe a little less, and he has many friends that attend there as well as many others that know still others there.

Pretty much turned into the Valentine's Day from he!!, but at least we're all OK tonight.

I took a picnic down to DH at his baseball training center. He got me a photo album for our many new adventures and a fuzzy white teddy bear. He's never done either....in fact, he once gave me a Valentine that said From your Wife, instead of For My Wife like he thought. For years, he gave me the first card that had a heart or was red...regardless what the verse was.

He got me 2 cards (like I got for him,) one very heartfelt and one silly that I found on the counter when I got home from our picnic....he works late every Thurs.

But the coolest thing is, for the very first time, he wanted to get our DD and DS/DIL something special, but he got stuck on the freeway and called just as I was getting off work and asked me to do it. I was soooo shocked that I dropped everything to get special gifts/cards/balloons for both (or all 3) kids.

My DH IS a whole different guy and I feel so cherished after all those years of detachment. Our kids are noticing, too.

Thanks for this thread.

Ace

Soooo sorry about that tragedy near your area, Mark. Glad you are all OK and hope that DGD gets well soon.

Ace

Unfortunately my wife is still very much wayward... but I did something for her anyway... here it is... I copied it from my thread...

Today is St. Valentines Day. So I went through with my plans to be nice to my WW. I got some flowers. (Red tulips and blue iris’s) I got the cheap silver ring with the engraving on it and a card. I got all dressed up in my dress blue uniform. (I’m one hunka hunka burnin man in that uniform! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> … LOL) I wrote a poem today and put it in a card. I swing by her work and go inside and I give her the flowers, the card and the ring.

Here’s the poem….

Even though we’re apart
You’re the only Valentine for my heart.
And I just wanted you to know
That I take a piece of you wherever I go.

I have a paper all faded and yellow.
It’s full of “I love you” notes for a special fellow.
It’s written in ink the color of green
It was written by you, my beautiful queen.

I read it once and sometimes twice a day
To remind me of you while you’re away.
And on days when I think of this terrible trial
I just look at your picture and it makes me smile.

The flowers I bring are called “Hugs and Kisses”
And they’re for you my beautiful Misses.
The ring is silver it needs no description.
Please don’t forget to read the inscription.

I long for the time when we reunite,
of tender days and passionate nights.
I pine for the good times that we spent together,
on bright sunny days and in stormy weather.

Take this poem wherever you go
So you don’t forget, so that you’ll know
Even though we’re apart
You’re still the only valentine for my heart.

She didn’t believe I wrote it… She wanted to know who helped me. LOL…

Let me explain the part about the note on yellow paper… Years ago she wrote me a note on yellow paper with green ink. It was full of I love this about you and I love that about you… etc… It meant a lot to me so I always kept it in my wallet. I still have it… I wrote her a similar note much later so that we would both have one. Apparently only one of us really meant what we said.

WOW! That poem is truly "Amazin!" Totally beautiful!!

Amazin WOW! is right! WAY TO GO!!!!

H made RESERVATIONS for dinner at a nice restuarant. He's NEVER made reservations anywhere. I was quite impressed with just that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Dinner was absolute fabulous. Steak and lobster, cooked to perfection. Ate WAYYYYY to much but it was the BEST valentine's day we've ever had.

I had a hard time with finding a V'day card that really conveyed my feelings. I posted it on the smiles & trials thread. It seemed very appropriate for me...I hate a card that is NOT really what you want to say, and this one said it wonderfully. Check it out there, it would make a great homemade card for those having a hard time dealing with a WS but trying.

It was a hectic day the day before, so I had to scramble after-hours to get something for my FWW. I ended up with a very nice card and some chocolates. Turns out that she almost got the same chocolates for me, LOL. All in all it turned out to be a very nice day, and while things didn't go as planned that night, for a number of reasons, it turned out really great in the end (and no, I'm not going to go into details! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

***BOY! You're right about that one! It took me 20 min of reading all the cards to find one that didn't comment on the love and devotion of our many years together,or how special he is for standing by me! I never ever thought I would have that issue with my H. Cards always came natural and spoke from my heart!

~emphasis mine

And that is how I wanted to feel...how I've always wanted to feel, and why I many times tell the BHs here to use the word "cherish" and do things that make their wives feel "cherished"...It is what is missing for so many that end up on the WW side of things...That is NOT to say that adultery is EVER justified-IT IS NOT...But I do think that lack of feeling "cherished" may likely have been missing in the marriage pre-affair-and that DOES leave a marriage vunerable to an affair...I've heard many FWWs say that they didn't feel cherished...I think it is VERY important to many women...

That being said, yesterday, for me was not a happy day...Mr. W chose to ignore Valentine's Day...I was STUNNED and I remain CRUSHED...We leave for Atlanta tomorrow for winter break, and he says he wants to celebrate there-but that is too late-Valentine's Day is over...Sure, we can go out while there and do whatever and it will likely be nice, but that will not change that on Valentine's Day many people got flowers, candy, jewelry etc., which for sure says "I remembered you-I care about you-I love you-I cherish you"-and I was forgotten...It will not change that on the day set aside specifically for the purpose of love, romance and specialness, that I felt none of those things from Mr. W...

And when I cried, I got excuses and defensiveness...not an apology...I got told that the day wasn't over yet and that he could go and get me something still...Um, miss the point much? When that didn't work he tried telling me that he had gone to our daughter's school Valentine's party with me-Um...okay,but the last time I checked she was his daughter too...I'm very glad he was there, of course, but really that isn't a "Valentine" to me, yanno? And he wasn't sure he was going to that until the last minute anyway...sigh...When I was still upset, he said "Well I did go and buy you a new refrigerator this morning!" Riiiight, what was I thinking? Silly me, I am the only one that uses the refrigerator here-clearly that was a lovely and oh-so-thoughtful Valentine's Day gift! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> (Btw, we've needed a new fridge since we moved in-9 YEARS AGO in September!!! We are planning to put our house on the market-it HAD to have a new fridge to sell) To add further insult to injury, he tells me that I'll need to clean out the old refrigerator before the new one gets delivered in the morning...I lost it...Needless to say *I* did NOT clean out the fridge-He did...

Something that really amazes me, is that just the day before, Mr. W spent quite a lot of time posting to eyeofthestorm about what he should get his WW for Valentine's Day...He even asked ME for suggestions before posting...So it's not like he didn't know it was coming, or that he didn't have any have ideas...I read those posts from him now as pretty darned insincere...Very "do as I say, not as I do"...

I had been wracking my brain for what to get Mr. W-he is REALLY hard to buy for-finally I broke down and called him and asked for suggestions-See, the last two gifts I've given him are still in their boxes-a TIVO and an iPod-we are both trying to get in shape, so sweets of any kind were out-so I have legitimate reasons for not having a clue what to buy for him! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Getting gifts is NOT his "love language"...He told me not to get him anything and that he would like to go to a certain restaurant in Atlanta-He seemed very relieved that he'd "caught" me before I bought him anything-at the time I assumed this was because Mr. W is not a fan of spending money-little did I know, huh? I told him that I still was getting him at least a card, and I did-a musical one...Apparently, he ran and bought one for me after learning this, because he told me when I was crying that he did, in fact, get me a card...However, at that point, I told him to save it for next year-I certainly didn't feel like giving him the one I'd bought for him that played "Amazed"-that would have felt real insincere under the circumstances...

I thought I'd be "over it" today, but I'm not-I'm still crying and still getting excuses from him-(those excuses just add more damage)...I've felt like such a "teenaged drama queen" because I'm this upset over Valentine's Day...

But then I remembered Dr. Harley's words from the Weekend Seminar booklet under How to Make Love Bank Deposits, Part 2-Affection-Anyone can LEARN to be affectionate-Habits that go a long way toward becoming affectionate...

#7 on this list says...


Wow, that actually presumes that you get your wife a gift-that it should be a given that you do at least that...But not only should you get your wife a gift, it should be SENTIMENTAL and NOT practical (A refrigerator is NOT a GIFT for your wife-NOR is a Washer/Dryer-and YES, he did do that the Valentine's Day after I had just given birth to our dd! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I thought he'd LEARNED!)...Mr. W was at that same MB Seminar...He has the same booklet and he KNOWS that affection is one of my top Emotional Needs...He is a very smart man...I don't understand why he did this...It just plain hurts...

Anyway, I do realize this isn't the "end of the world", but I KNOW that it IS a giant Love Bank withdrawal for me-and that is NOT good...Dr. Harley says that marriage is a relationship of EXTRAORDINARY CARE-this does NOT show any kind of care, much less the kind of the extraordinary variety...Mr. W is a GREAT husband in so many ways, and I am very grateful to have him in my life...to have been given a second chance by him-lest anyone think otherwise...This is a vent of sorts I suppose...perhaps someone else will read it and learn from it...I dunno, but I hope so...Anyway, thanks for "listening"...I needed to get this out, but most of all, I really need for Mr. W to GET it...It IS important...

Mrs. W

Is it possible the day is a trigger for him?

Mrs. W-

I'm sorry that your V-Day did not go as well as you had hoped. It makes me feel worse that I ended up deciding to do nothing for WW, either. After lots of thought on it and trying to come up with something that she wouldn't think was manipulative on my part, I chose to say or do nothing to her regarding V-Day.

I must admit that trying to maintain ANY semblance of Plan A amidst her constant mood swings and clear indication that the M is over is proving to be difficult. Add to that the fact that she (inadvertently) and OM will be receiving my letter to OM any day now indicating, among other things, that I'm filing the AOA suit against him, and I feel as though anything that I do will be perceived as controlling, manipulative, petty, and evidence of MY denial that the M is over.

She was a total b*tch yesterday for no apparent reason, so obviously, I was overjoyed to spend the afternoon and evening in her presence.

MEDC...

No, it for sure isn't...Good question though...

He will tell you that he has never had "triggers" of any kind...

Mrs. W

Thank you for your thoughts Eye...

I understand your position...I know that it would be VERY hard to near impossible to do things like that under the circumstances...

I will tell you this though...During my affair when I was in Atlanta with OM, Mr. W sent me this bouquet of a really special kind of roses-I don't know what kind they were, but they were the most beautiful ones I've ever seen...I had them on the coffee table of the hotel I was staying in...Anytime that OM would come over, he would put them in the corner...I always put them back...Mr. W's message got through to me...I will never forget his being able to be that kind and thoughtful to me in the face of my horrible betrayal of him...He was the picture of AMAZING GRACE in his Plan A...You'd be surprised what will get through to her-I guarantee you that she is in a state of GREAT conflict...

Mrs. W

Thanks, Mrs. W. I hope there is some truth to what you say about WW and her conflict.

MrsW,

You and MrW are two of my favorite people here at MB, and while I can't explain what MrW is/was thinking, I can share an experience/feeling that I encountered yesterday.

I stopped off at our local Hallmark store yesterday on my lunch hour to pick up FogFree a card. We never were big Valentine's Day people, but we always get each other a card, and I try to find one that was appropriate.

Anyway, I was in kind of a "funk" yesterday, some of it had to do with a personal business matter that was becoming more difficult than was necessary, but there was something else that I just couldn't put my finger on ... and still can't for that matter.

While at the Hallmark store, I started reading through the VD cards, and the "funk" got worse. It's like someone else pointed out, its hard to find a card that doesn't just "gush" with stuff that is no longer appropriate in our situations. I ended up getting a rather generic card and wrote my own message, which acknowledged my recommitment to her, but admittedly also got a little negative when I went into how much I still hurt over having to be in this situation.

When FogFree read the card, you could tell she was touched by the underlying message, but I also sensed a great deal of guilt from her for us having to endure this "fracture" in an otherwise very good M. There just seemed to be a "cloud" over us on this VD.

We have been doing very well, and I'd venture to say that we're further along in our recovery than 90+% of the others here in our same situation, but for some reason, yesterday just put me into this "funk" that I just couldn't shake.

Who knows what someone else is thinking ... MrW seems like a great guy, possibly he experienced something similar to my reaction to VD, even though I really don't know exactly what it was that I experienced.