Well heck Brooke, now that you have come down from the hormonal overload that drove the affair, you are scared. And the fright or flight symptoms are coming to the surface.

Getting a divorce is running from your failure to act honorably. After you found out about your husband's affair, you more or less said you just went through the motions. How smart was that looking back?

Getting a divorce because of what you did - no matter how you rationalize it - isn't real honorable either, some would say.

Don't worry about the xOM, he is who he is and lacking in integrity and honor is who he is; all feelings of guilt being just cover for nailing his BF's wife, something that a certain type of male secretly relishes. And please do not project the same values on the xOM that you do upon yourself, either positive or negative. Frankly I am shocked that your brother continues to have anything to do with him. You clearly shouldn't. Forget the xOM, cut him out of your life permanently.

Now it is that your husband acted without honor when he had an affair. I would guess you will never forget how you felt at the time. Why you would choose to do the same thing is interesting. Be that as it may, you have some idea how he will feel when he finds out, yet you are both older and now wiser.

The only way either of you can live a life of honor is through the truth. You now know that.

My wife had an affair with someone who would qualify as my best friend. He is no longer a part of our life. After two and a half years, my wife spits on his name. We just found a box of his stuff and she wanted to burn it on the spot. The look on her face said it all. Course she has worked herself silly restoring our relationship and our mutual honor.

If you have what it takes, so can you. Yes, that is a challenge. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I wish you well.

Larry

Good Morning Brooke. we are here. continuing to pray for you.

Hey Brooke,

Just another person here to support you. My guess is that you will find him maybe a little more understanding than you anticipate. Remember that he once fell into the same 'trap' you did - an escape. He understands what is behind the A.

That being said, there will probably still be anger. I know I was absolutely furious when I found out that my FBS had his own A...but I still loved him. And I would have gladly worked on our M if he had wanted to.

You have two advantages over most people. You have already ended the A, and you confessed. He will see that. Sooner or later, those two things will help your marriage heal.

Good luck. I'll be thinking about you.

Brooke
i hope you are doing ok...
you have recieved a lot of advice...my usual "take" is to get a professional counselor's help and support.. and to insure your physical safety.. and as you mentioned you dont fear your husband physically..
note that it is never to late to get pro counseling...from psych people or clergy or any sympathetic person.
reach out to family and friends and others for support..

..my prayers go with you
jb

prayers continueing... i'll be back late tommorow.

Brooke, continuing to pray for you and your husband.

Things may seem unbarably painful right now, but over time, you will come through these dark days.

Brooke,

We are here for you. Come back and tell us how it went - the good and the bad.

We can help with the next step, no matter what.

SB

Hi everyone. I actually went through with it and confessed. I am not really up for writing chapter and verse what happened (will do that later) but H went crazy when I told him who OM was. He cussed me out. I think he rearranged every piece of furniture in the house. I have never seen anyone so angry and heartbroken at the same time. He said he had to leave before he hurt me and that he cursed the day he ever met me and xOM. He stormed out of the house and I have not heard from him since. He will not answer any of my calls or texts. I would not be shocked at all if he served me with divorce papers on Monday. He will probably draw them up himself.

May God help your poor bleeding and wounded husband. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Brooke,

I've been following your story closely although I haven't posted. I've prayed.

Have patience and hope. You are very brave.

I'm not sure that your marriage is salvageable but I truly hope that when your husband's rage subsides, that he gains the insight/empathy as to how you felt when you found out about his affair. If he does then his personal recovery will begin in earnest and he will eventually let go of the anger and bitterness that have taken residence in his heart at this moment in time.

Nutchecked, it would be a bad idea for her to suggest any such a thing to her husband. The timing of any such notion would be ill advised. The purpose here was not to force him to have empathy for her, after all. He will be angry for a very long time, which is a natural, normal phase of the long road to recovery. Anger is a very natural, appropriate response to such a trauma.

Brooke

You did the RIGHT thing! You took the first step to begin the long road to healing and restoring your self-repect and honor. Hopefully, your husband will join you on the road to healing. I am sure you must feel like there is no hope right now, but the truth is there was no hope for your marriage as long as this secret was between you. It would have eaten you alive, and you would have made all kinds of excuses in your mind to close yourself off from your husband.

Your husband is LITERALLY in shock right now. The best thing you can do for him is to be completely open and honest with him when he asks you questions. Demonstrate YOUR willingness to do whatever it takes to recover your marriage, even if he states that he has no desire and it will never happen. He will go through all kinds of emotions. Do NOT bring up his affair right now other than to express that there is a road to recovery that you didn't know about then.

If he needs to talk/vent, just listen as calmly as you can.

If you can keep your walls down while he is agonizing over this information, you will greatly increase your chances to recover. But if you begin to justify, rationalize, disrepect, or have angry outburst in response, you are only putting up walls to protect yourself and distance you from him. Keep those walls down. BE vulnerable. (unless you feel your safety is at risk. Seek help if you sense that.)

Brooke, please know that you handled this the best you could at this point. Many of us BS's wish we would have learned about the affair the way your husband did.

Brooke,

Personally I am very proud of your courage. No matter what happens now, you have told the truth. You will not be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life wondering if someone is going to leak your secret.

When my H finally gave me the full truth, I called him every name I could think of. I wished that I knew more swear words. I also told him I cursed the day I met him and I told him that I wished the OW's son would beat him to a pulp. At that moment I meant it.

We are sloooooowly recovering. I love him with all my heart and I am commited to him. I pray every day that we will continue to see our way through the darkness.

I pray the same thing for you and I know that everyone here will help you. Read all of Resonance's and FLT2H's posts. They are fabulous FWWs as are many others.

But again, no matter what you did the right thing.

WH2LE

In fact, nutchecked, the more likely reaction will not be empathy, but resentment at the recognition that Brooke KNEW how traumatic and cruel it is. Therefore, she can't claim ignorance of its effect on her victim.

That awareness won't engender empathy, but increased resentment, I suspect. She not only knew how devastating it is, but compounded the crime by doing it with his so-called "friend."

One of the reasons many BSs don't commit adultery is because they DO KNOW how traumatic it is.

Hi Brooke,

I'm so sorry it went to bad. My heart goes out to you and your husband.

Please try to stay calm.

Which day did you tell him? I mean are you saying you have not heard from him like friday night or this morning?

Like sexymamabear said, keep your walls down. I know that might be a hard thing to do. sure would be easier to close up shop and run off yourself too. but the best thing for recovery is to stay calm and be open for him.

I do pray you hear from him soon. We are here, post whenever you want about whatever you want.

God Bless.

Nutchecked

A WS when confessing an affair should never give excuses or reasons because it will only be seen as justifing/blame shifting why the WS had an affair.

For the same reason when the WS should not say well now you know how I felt when I was the BW when you where the WH.

Next when a person has the courage to confess, why kick them when they are already down, by saying you think their chances of recovery are not good.

totally agree, no justification or blame shifting should be done. I did not see where nutchecked was suggesting to do that. only the hope that her BH might gain that insight/empathy so that it might help him heal. let's keep this thread focus on Brooke right now.

i also agree that we will do Brooke the most good right now (which is why we are here right?) if we keep a postive attitude.

Brooke, one point to hold on to right now, regardless of anything, YOU are on the path of recovery, something that had to occur for your marriage.

I'm very proud of you. I hope you are keeping yourself rested and cared for. Are you sleeping and eating ok?

nutchecked, if you feel the need to respond to ML or TheRoad, please consider opening up a seperate thread so that this thread can stay focused on Brooke. I'ld really hate for some big debate to start up here right now.

knock it off, FLTH, telling others where and how to post is extremely hostile and more likely to cause conflict, which you well know. The board bully act always has that result. If you have a problem with how or where folks post, please notify the mods rather than appointing yourself the thread police. That is their job, not yours.