Quick overview of my situation. H had a 2 month EA AFTER realising he wasn't in love with me anymore. I found out. Its all finished, but 2 months on although we are both happy and playful and things feel good.
H still doesn't have any romantic feelings for me. He is happy to go on like this for a while he says but not forever. H is hoping feelings will come back.
I am so full of panic that they wont.
How long does it take to fall back in love? I know there's no exact answer but does anyone have any idea?
What do i do whilst i am waiting. I mean i am doing all the love building and avoiding love busters but i am afraid my fear and panic will push him away. Why would he fall back in love with me?
H31
ME30
DD12
DS10
DS7
DS2

Has he ended all contact with the OW?

Yes. i truly believe that to him she is no longer important. He stressed the point last night that he felt this way before getting involved with her. We have both been down for last 20 months with various life pressures. I even thought briefly myself that i wasn't in love anymore, but once i realised i might lose him it flooded back. H however said that his feelings don't work that way. Fair enough but will they come back.

Have you read His Needs Her Needs. You should both read this as a start to bringing back the loving feelings. My FWH had an EA/PA for 2 1/2 years. He was still sending her mushy emails even when he said it was "over". He has been acting extremely loving towards me for almost 3 months (since d-day), but was definitely NOT in love with me for most of the A. He was openly hostile at times. I think MB calls this "fog". Give it time. There's also a book called "after the Affair" that you could both read. It might help.

Good luck!

kanne, has he ended ALL CONTACT with her?

and are you snooping to make sure there is no contact?

Thankyou. I have looked for these books in oz but haven't found them. i have no way of paying on the internet to order them. I haven't given up trying to get hold of them though.

I am certain the A is over. I have people who will know if he speaks to her. Plus he is more connected to me emotionally than he has been for a LONG time, i think. He says he still doesn't feel like he used to feel, and actually doesn't feel much of anything for me. Yet his actions say otherwise. I feel puzzled. Time i am hoping is what will heal us. Books to distract me from my panicking sounds good.

kanne, does he EVER see her? I am not talking about just speaking to her, does he ever SEE her?

Must have posted at same time as you Mlane.
The only contact he has had is when he was out at the pub with friends and she said hello. He replied and that was that. I have people watching.

I speak to him at work twice a day. She doesn't work there but up the road. I pick him up from work outside his doors and if she comes past he goes back inside if i am late.

There is no time other than lunch at work he has to see her. Also the guilt and withdrawal he went through when he told her NC was awful to be part of. I now can see my H again when i look in his eyes.

Our problem seems to be simply that his love for me died without me to keep it stoked(i was depressed) That now i need to make him fall in love with me again.
Hard to feel worthy when he has felt something for someone else. My confidence is low.

kanne, as long as you know they do not see each other, then this sounds pretty normal. It has only been 2 months. I would give it at least 6 months and concentrate on spending 15 hours a week meeting each others needs. I would plan ALL of your rec time together and only be apart when you really have to be. He will come around. If he was in love before, he can be again.

You know that is what i needed to hear. Hopefully because it is or will be the truth. I just need reassurance that when the person you love so much tells you they think your a lovely beautiful person but they just don't feel it. That it may (may is good enough) come back with time. More time together would really help. That is the hardest bit.

When they are foggy, they all say stuff like this. We call it "re-writing the marital history". It's very common and all WSs do it.

Please continue snooping to make sure there is NC. If there is, you will get nowhere, and fast.

If NC really is in place then this sounds normal, like ML said.

He was foggy and said stuff like him wanting to leave which he now says he doesn't remember saying and only staying for the children, which he says isn't the case now.

The love thing, he says he loves me because we have been together a long time but he doesn't feel close enough to me to be in love. He is being affectionate and loving he just isn't feeling it. I think i need to develop more patience.

I also suspect he may be feeling a bit depressed.
He says no, but for the last 18 months we have both suffered from insomnia, appetite loss, lethargy and no incentive to exercise. Mine has mostly subsided, but his is still erratic. Though better than it was a month ago.
If he is depressed he would never see a doctor and i wonder if we can fix things with him like that.

Actually i was wondering if anyone has suggestions on things we can do during our 15hrs(or more) a week. H likes to watch a dvd, which i discount as we are not interacting.
There is of course sex, which takes up an hour plus, most nights.
Other than that there is Scrabble which H isn't keen on playing too often.
We have four children and i have been using up favors for babysitting a lot the last 7 weeks and wont be able to keep up the pace. H is lacking on suggestions too.

You might try this:

The Recreational Enjoyment Inventory

kanne,

You seem to be doing all the right things. It just does take time and each couple seems to find a different time table. I can't even say when I noticed my H falling in love with me again. I just know it happened. I don't even know why and when I ask him, he doesn't really know when or why either. He can tell me when he fell out of love with OW#2 and why. But why he continued to see her, I can't understand - he says because he wanted to stay friends!

Right now, he is more "in love" with me than he has been for a very very long time and more in love with me than I am with him. I found a letter I wrote to him almost 11 years ago after a huge fight. I never sent the letter and I wish I had. It really stated all my unhappiness and what I needed to feel happy in the marriage (which would have worked for both of us).

What can you do together - simply going for a walk and holding hands is a great start, even if you have to take the children (you don't say how old they are). Go grocery shopping together - you can talk about nutrition labels. If he likes to cook (or even if he doesn't) get him to help with dinner sometimes - he can chop veggies or peel shrimp!
Wash the dishes together. I know these aren't all "recreation" per se, but they are times to be together and just talk(just don't throw the frying pan if he says something wrong!)

Thankyou frozen 1229. I will read through that as soon as i am done here.

I like to hear about people who are recovering. Hope is very important.

My children are Dd12 Ds10 Ds7 Ds2. Makes it tricky to keep them all happy. In fact part of what made H and my relationship worse was that we split up children at weekends and would see to 2 each. Not deliberately, but with their activities it was easier.


He loves cooking and asks me to help him which i used to refuse until recently as now i know it is important.

Talking is good even nonsense talk, we have been doing it a lot more and we have even managed to make the other laugh over something small. It feels good.

I guess i am doing the right things and just need to have faith in myself. He was mad about me once and i am still me despite the normal changes. We have been together since we were 16 and in 14 years have done our fair share of changing and it was working well until 2 years ago.
Surely we would have split up already if it was that simple. (H says hes changed)However he was still in the fog when he said that.

My H told me yesterday that he is worried that his heart isn't in this to fall back in love with me.
I think he is trying too hard to feel and that the worry of not feeling love and what it would mean for us as a family is hindering any repairs. H is not sleeping and lays awake worrying about how it just isn't working.
It has only been 7 weeks and 3 of those were getting in to a routine of talking etc. H says i am pressuring him in to too much sex and he doesn't want to offend me by refusing but that it feels weird and makes him realise how wrong things are.

I think i am trying too hard to be loving when he isn't feeling love for me, but i am so worried that i will do the wrong thing and make us worse.

He had had a bad day and seems happier today, but when i asked him yesterday if he wants to spend time with me to help us he said maybe sometimes. I just can't find any loving feelings for you.

What should i do?

kanne, it took him much longer than that to fall out of love. It will take much longer than 7 weeks to fall back in love.

Did you each take the emotional needs and lovebusters questionaires? What is his top need? What was it about you that made him fall in love with you when you were dating?

kanne, are you doing flirty things with him? Are you dressing in a way that he finds attractve? What do you wear to bed? Have you kept your weight down? Do you wear pretty clothes and get your nails done?