I asked this question in another forum and was told that you would be most helpful in answering it. So, here goes..

What if exposure is not an option?
My WH's affair was with a woman who worked for him. His company (very large and very well know) has strict rules about not having relationships with underlings. While this affair was going on he promoted her, negotiated her a very nice raise, and interceded when the company tried to relocate her. They used company time and company money to finance trips which were supposed to be business related but were really personal vacations. He also spent an inordinate amount of time making sure her clients were happy. In other words, she benefited greatly from this relationship.
If I were to expose it he would surely lose his job, which would be an impossible financial hit since we are now maintaining separate residences and putting a son through college on only his paycheck. He reminds me of this all the time. I've told him that he put himself in this position and he should have thought about this before he got involved with her, and he certainly shouldn't have kept it up as long as he has....over a year now.
But he still holds it over my head to keep me quiet.
Ive told my family of the initial A, including our two adult sons, but not of my recent discovery that it was still ongoing. It would kill any relationship my sons have with him, especially the oldest who took the initial A very hard and told me he wanted to kill him. They are just now getting back on good footing.
The only people who know of my recent discovery are his mother and sister. I told them the entire story because, as I explained, I had been covering for him in the hopes that no one would have to know but all it did was allow him to continue his lies.

He is no longer her direct boss but she still has to go through him to get deals done and there is always still the possiblity they would have to go out of town together.
So, what am I to do?

Expose the affair. Not doing so puts them at huge legal risk. Since they suffer the legal fallout, they should be given the opportunity to protect themselves and fire him if they choose.

It is also probably the most likely thing to end the affair. You are headed for divorce if they don't stop working together and divorce is much more financially devastating than having to find another job. He can find another job, you won't recover easily from a divorce.


A good footing?? A relationship based on LIES is "good footing"? TO WHOM? The wayward? That helps no one EXCEPT the wayward. You are protecting him from the consequences of his actions, which IS IN NO ONE'S BEST INTEREST. That is not in your H's best interest and it most certainly is not in your sons.

You mean they are being CONNED into thinking their dad is something he is not. You are harming your kids by lying to them. You need to tell those kids and STOP PROTECTING YOUR H FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS ACTIONS.


You are STILL covering for him in the BIGGEST WAYS. By helping him hide the affair, you enable it. You are helping the OW instead of helping your own marriage.

it worked!! HE has successfully conned you into protecting the affair for he and OW.

Terry, you do realize that recovery will be IMPOSSIBLE unless and until he leaves that job anyway, don't you? This is hopeless as it is. So losing his job would be a GOOD THING for your marriage. He can always get another job. If he were fired, he would be given a severance most likely.

I know of no job that is worth losing a marriage over.

I have an old friend who was the Vice president of a very large coporation in North America that this very thing happened to.

He dumped the OW and she tattled. They both got fired.

As far as I'm concerned, it sucks for his family, since they only had the one income also, but he deserved it and so did she.

Thank you for your responses. I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner but for some reason I was getting an error message when I tried to get on the discussion boards for the last two days. Something about too many posters?
If that's true, wouldn't that be a sad statement on marriage in this country.

Anyway, I do appreciate the advice.
I was hoping that Brit's Brat would respond since I was told she could help with what I would need to put in a letter to WH's employer.
Are you out there????

Terry,
You should look up a thread by tiredinmd. I think it was called "This Sucks". He raised an excellent point in that thread that despite what his WW wanted, he HAD to tell his son to protect THEIR relationship.

I think you should consider this...if your son was that angry over the first, he will be more so over this one. And how do you think he will look at you when he finds out that you knew and hid it from him? He will be extremely angry and disappointed in you for letting him "rebuild" a relationship with a father continuing to do the same thing that broke their relationship to begin with. It could irrevocably damage your relationship with your son. Is protecting an adulterer worth that price?

Also, would your son want any college money from your WH if he knew he was still having an affair?

Andrew,
Thanks. I will search for that thread.
The son that was the most upset is out of college. In fact he's not that much younger than you....26. My oldest.
He was very angry. He wouldn't even talk to his father and his father was afraid to initiate communication. He (WH)called me one day crying about how his son wouldn't call him and how he hated him. I told him that he was supposed to be the mature adult in this situation and if he ever wanted to have a relationship with his son again he was going to have to pick up the phone himself.
If he got an ear full, well...he earned it, but he shouldn't let that keep him from calling. He agreed and eventually they were able to start to repair their relationship. But that was when we all thought WH was working to keep his marriage together.
My oldest is very protective of me. When he found out he wanted me to move to where he lived so that he could watch over me. I told him that he's a young, handsome, single guy and the last thing he needed was his mother hanging around. He had his life and I would have to rebuild mine. He does still worry about me though. They both do. They've seen what this has done to me. I lost 40 pounds, most of it in a two month period. I'm on anti-depressants and anxiety medication. I used to be the most stable person in the world but this last 7 months I've been an emotional basket case.
It seems the only person who wasn't worried about me was the one person that should have been.
He thought it was great that I was wearing a size 4 and told me all the time how sexy I looked. Everyone else looks at me and see's a skeleton.
Go figure.
I don't know. It would be very, very hard for me to have to relate this latest story to my children. Their father loves them very much and I don't want our problems to become their problems.
But, I will look up that thread and maybe it will change my mind.

Terry, here is what BritsBrat advised in a letter the the employer: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0&fpart=2

Also, your kids will find out eventually and will resent you for not telling them. They do have a right to know since this effects their family too. They are not little idiots who need to be protected from the truth. They are adults who can handle the truth.

Terry...

Are you more interested in saving your marriage or saving your H's job???

Will you still love him, even when he is penniless???

Answer these questions and you will have your answer....

There is no such thing as "not a option"....you are opting to stay quiet....

(yes Mimi dear...I will follow my own advice.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)

not2fun