I found out last summer that my husband of 28 years was having an affair with an employee. It was easy enough for them since they worked together and traveled for business together all the time.
Around October of 2006 he started working longer days and traveling more often. I didn't think much about it because he had taken a new position at work and he told me when he took the job it would mean more travel. It wasn't until later that I found out he was only traveling as far as her condo most of the time. He was practically living with her and I had NO idea. Other clues I should have picked
up on....he started growing his hair out and dressing like our 20 some year old sons. He bought a "mid-life crisis" car and spent every weekend "playing golf". No matter how busy his life was he always found time to work out just about every day. He spent a lot of time in front of the mirror admiring himself. This is probably a little too much information, but what the heck, he started shaving his junk.
We've been together since we were 16 yrs old, dating for 5yrs before we married. I never in my life expected to be in this position. We had just moved two years earlier to a new state, leaving behind both of our families including our then college age sons. It was a very traumatic time for me. Our youngest had JUST turned 18, had just graduated from high school. In addition my husband had just talked
his mother into selling her house and moving in with us so she could retire. I didn't want the move at all. I felt my husband was being very unfair to his mother and I felt as though in moving two states away I was abandoning our youngest son who had been planning on living at home while working and going to the local Jr College in order to save money for the State University. I spent many nights
after he took the job and before I moved to be with him crying about what he was making me do.
I didn't go to college, instead working to help my husband through college. I had been a stay at home mom ever since my oldest was born. I did daycare in my home for four years to help with the finances but then stopped when my younger son was born and our financial situation was much more stable.
So, now I find myself about to turn 50, with no marketable skills and a husband who isn't sure he wants to be married.
We tried marriage counseling for all of three weeks before my husband said he didn't want to be married anymore. He was no longer in love with me.
He didn't want to be in ANY relationship. He just wanted to be alone.
He even went so far as to write a letter to his GF telling her just that so I would believe him.
We sold our house, my husband got an apartment and I moved back home living with my sister until I found a house which my husband and I bought together, knowing I wouldn't be able to get a mortgage on my own.
At first I was resigned to the fact that I was going to be a divorced woman, but it wasn't easy on me. I lost close to 40lbs and started relying on anxiety medication, anti-depressants, and sleeping pills. I'm still reliant on all three.
Then my husband started giving me signals that he wasn't as sure as he had been about divorce. He started telling me he loved me again, started sending me flowers and buying me lingerie. He told me he wasn't ready to give up on us.
During this time we started being intimate again. I thought we were on the course of getting back together, because that's what he was telling me. But somewhere in the back of my mind I still had the feeling he wasn't always being truthful with me.
Last month I made a surprise visit to his city. I had a key to my husbands apartment, which he didn't know I had, and let myself in. I waited for him to come home from what was supposed to be a golf outing. When it turned dark and he still wasn't home I called and left a message on his cell. When he called back he told me that he didn't answer my call because he was in the shower.
Well.......since I was standing in his apartment at the time and had been there for 4 hours I knew that wasn't true. I was heartsick.
Still, I didn't want to let on to him that I was in town. I felt like if I was ever going to get the truth from him it would have to be by catching him red handed.....or bleached blond handed as the case would be, just like the first time when he denied and denied until I gave him so much evidence he couldn't deny anymore.
When it got to be 8pm and he still wasn't home I tried calling him again, again getting his voice mail. I left about five messages within about an hour.
Having reached the end of my rope I finally called the supposed ex-girlfriend. I left a message on her work cell and then I left a message on her home phone. I said that I hoped I wasn't interrupting anything but I had been trying to get a hold of MY HUSBAND for over an hour and if he was there would she please pass that message onto him. 10 minutes later I saw his car pull up and he started running
up the apartment stairs. I had left the lights off, so he still had no idea I was there. My guess is that he realized I was in town and was trying to get back to the apartment to pretend he had been asleep.
He bounded into the apartment looking like he had just woken up, wearing nothing but a t-shirt and HER pajama bottoms, no underwear.
Needless to say the next hour was not pleasant. The worst thing was he still was trying to tell me that it wasn't what I thought. How stupid did he think I was? He was standing there telling me I was the only person he was having sex with, while wearing almost nothing.
Like I was supposed to believe he was over there for a book club meeting or something.
Now we are back to square one.
When he didn't go back to her condo she got angry and broke it off with him. I tried to get her to talk with me, but she said it wouldn't do either of us any good and would only bring regrets for her. This is a woman who walked into this situation knowing my husband was a married man. I'd had her over to my house more than once while she worked for him. So I have little sympathy for her, but I was always cordial none the less.
I told my husband that no matter how much I desperately wanted to keep our family together, I felt there was no way I could and keep any sort of self respect. He cried and begged and told me that he didn't want a divorce and if I pursued one he wouldn't sign the papers.
I'm back home again after meeting with a mediator. I've signed all the papers and left them with my husband. He's supposed to fill out his personal financial information.....employee stock options, 401K
etc....and turn everything back into the mediator. But he's been dragging his feet. He's seeing a therapist, FINALLY, after I had been begging him to do so for months, and he says he doesn't want to do anything until he finds out what makes him happy. He says that he loves me, be he also said that he was in love with the OW. If she would have him back I have no doubt he'd be with her again. It seems
he wants to have it both ways. I've made it very clear that is not an option. No one except for family knows our situation. He pretends that he is a happily married man at work and with friends. Friends here think that we just wanted to have a house in both states. Part of this is that he would lose his job if his other relationship was made public. He promoted her and gave her a raise. Interceded on her behalf when the company tried to relocate her. Their relationship has been very beneficial to her, and that would not sit well with his higher-ups if it were made public. He reminds me of this all the time and has since last summer. His job pays very, very well, which is why he wanted to take it in the 1st place. So, he not only put
his career in jeopardy, in a way he's holding that over my head so
I'll keep quiet.
I struggle with my feelings every day. I'm terrified of being alone. I'm heartbroken at the thought of losing forever not only my husband but the man that has been my best friend for most of my life.
We still talk every single day. I'm closer to his family than I am to my own. I don't want to lose them, and they feel the same way.
I'm lost as to what I'm going to do with my life now that I'm no longer needed to be a mother and I'm on the verge of no longer being a wife.
My entire life has been devoted to my family. They've always come first. Now I've lost my identity. What's worse is that even though I know I should be angry with my husband, I'm not. If I could go back and pretend none of this ever happened I would in a heartbeat.
What's WRONG with me?
I need to talk to other people who have lived through this and gain some of their wisdom. I know no one can tell me what to do, but if I knew someone had been through this and lived to tell about it, it would help me greatly. Just writing it all down makes me feel better in a way.
That's my story.

Hi Terry,

Someone who's been here a lot longer than I have should respond to your post. Basically I'm here and reading and wanted you to know, if you're checking in on line, that you're not alone. I know this is difficult for you. While waiting for some responses, go through and read everything that you can. Also, you may want to post on the General Questions II board, it seems to get the most traffic.

I'll be thinking of you. Take a deep breath.

You need to expose the affair to friends and also his work.

He's eating cake and you are enabling him.

Him losing his job will be good for your marriage.

Absolutely. Expose his affair to your family, friends, OW family, work - eveyone. An Affiar thrives in secrecy, once exposed to the light of day, it will implode and end, the fantasy bubble will burst.

Once the A is over, you can then take stpes to recover your M, IF you want to.

One important note about exposure do NOT give your H any warning of what is to come. Exposure needs to be done in one fell swoop.

I will find some links on how to expose and post them for you.

Ditto the above. Expose the affair to his company.

By not exposing you are a co-conspirator in his affair. You are helping him keep his dirty little secret and I really don't understand how it benefits you at all to keep his affair a secret.

TerryM

Here is a link to an exposure thread.

Read up as much as you can - form a plan

exposure 101

Thank you all for your kind words and wisdom.
Some of these things I realize must be done. I suppose I'm dragging my feet too.
WH is due for a HUGE bonus (I do mean HUGE)the middle of this month. Maybe I'm just waiting for that to come through before the S--- hits the fan.
It will be needed if he loses his job, which I'm positive he will.