I said the SAME thing.

I had the affair. He didn't. I cheated on him and lied to him. Now I'm suspicious of everything that HE does. Just because I've done something wrong, that doesn't mean that he's going to. He has agreed to distance himself from this other woman. He has agreed to leave his phone alone, now that I've told him that it's more concerning for him to try to alleviate my stress by it not being there.

He's not having an affair.

You can use your mistake to open discussions with him about maintaining boundaries in the marriage. Neither spouse should be confiding in friends of the opposite sex, nor having personal discussions, nor emailing/texting.

Let him know that you want a marriage that is BETTER than before, and want to protect it at all costs.

BELIEVER - THANK YOU!
This is exactly what my H and I discussed yesterday. He was in complete agreement with me, after I explained that it's because I wanted to protect our marriage. He is in this with me. He's not working against me. Thank you for posting this. He understands boundaries and he understands that I want us to be able to have all conversations with each other. At the same time, I have to understand that there are times that he's going to need to speak to someone other than me. I can't be his sole source of recovery, that wouldn't be fair.

Thank you Believer.

All the best to you and your husband.

Thank you, Neak. I know you've been around a long time, and I can fully appreciate your knowledge and your experience. Please don't take my words as being defensive. Thank you again.

ILMH

Please don't take my words as an attack. I realize you are the WS. It is a fact that BSs are very vulnerable. Don't let your guilt blind you....that's all I'm going to say.

Hope everything works out.

Thank you, MicheleG. I'm trying not to do that, which is why I brought it up to him for discussion. I don't want to seem ungrateful to you all, it's quite the contrary. I just want to have an open & honest relationship with my H. I want to trust him and I have to have faith that he's being honest with me. I told him my concerns, I told him my fears and what I'm uncomfortable with and he's chosen to make the right decisions. Leave his cell phone alone, no more deletions, tell me when she's called and distance himself from her as she has obvious boundary issues. I need to trust him. We went into this marriage assuming that we'd be able to trust one another. I screwed up (yes, I know it's far worse than that) but he didn't. I don't want to punish him for something, that after talking to him, I don't believe he's done.

Thank you again.

Hi ILMH,

Believer gave you a great focus:


Protection.

Pre-emptive strike.

What if.......

.....you wrote a pre-NC letter?

Say something like, "Thank you for being a willing listener, but it will hurt both of us to continue to vent to one another. I love my wife and I will not do anything to jeopardize our recovery."

"I understand your pain, but I am committed to my marriage and I will not reply to any of your calls or emails or texts so please do not send them."

Whatdayathink?

Just a thought....(actually a few.)

AND....you can judge from his reaction to this idea as to where he's coming from. If he's eager, you'll know you were right. If he hesitates, there may be more.

Best wishes to you...I hope, I hope, I hope I was wrong in my previous post! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Ace

Ace,
You know how much I value your opinions and your suggestions... I think very highly of you and the Mr. However, I have to say that I am THRILLED to tell you that in your first post, you were wrong. My H has told me that he is willing to do anything that will protect our marriage from any future problems. He has said there will be NC here or when we go back to our hometown for a visit. My H is the most amazing man I know. I'll have to remember to tell him on a daily basis. In case I've not mentioned before, thank you for all that you are and all that you continue to be. It's a big deal.

See if he will post here. He should NOT be discussing personal things with anyone of the opposite sex.

well, I have a different slant on this...what a surprise huh?
Her H has NOT had an affair. He is, according to her, the most honest person she has ever met.
I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt. If he has been able to maintain relationships with boundaries in place...I don't think it is her place to suggest that he can't maintain friendships or discuss personal matters with members of the opposite sex. I think the scope of those conversations needs to be appropriate...but SHE had the affair...and much mike any "criminal" she has a problem trusting others...because she knows what she was capable of.
I believe there are people out there that would never have an affair under any circumstances. Perhaps her H is one of them. But his actions do not need to be curtailed because his wife couldn't maintain proper boundaries.
Come back and tell me he stepped over those boundaries...that he clouded the lines between friends and affair partners...and I will be right there with all of you.
Right now though, he has not shown himself to be untrustworthy.

Someone on here mentioned there is no reason to delete texts and such...I do it at least twice a week. I like to keep my inbox free. That does not mean he is being inappropriate.

ILMH,

Because you had the A, I understand why you feel you should trust your H and not assume he is in an affair, the truth may be that right now he is not...BUT the signs are there that this situation could turn into something that could become one. Most of us have heard the same things from spouses in the past.

My ex-wh told me "I have everything under control" and he also alluded to distancing himself from the A partner also, after I suspected that something was going on. You say that the woman texting your H has no boundaries? well, the truth is your H's boundaries need to be firmed up as well..if a woman is texting him about her personal problems and signing it with "xxx" which means hugs and kisses? or some variation of that, that in itself is an encroach of your marital boundaries....All that anyone here is suggesting is that you keep your eyes open. Half of what you posted about your conversation with your H is something everyone here has heard at one time or another.

No one is telling you he is definitely in an A, just be careful or it could definitely end up that way. There are warning signs whenever a woman is confiding in a married man..... Your instincts were telling you that something was off and I don't think you should discount that just because you were the one that had the A...what you don't want is for your husband to have one as well..the people here are just trying to help you avoid the same pitfalls we've all experienced.

If your husband is feeling vulnerable, or feeling like he needs someone to talk to and another woman is attempting to meet his needs for conversation, that woman should be told that it is inappropriate to accept communication from her, in no uncertain terms she should know that their "friendship" has to end...for the sake of your marriage...distancing himself from her is really not good enough, especially if her contact with him makes you uncomfortable...the contact should END.

Good luck to you and your H. I sincerely hope everyone is wrong about this..the danger signs were just so apparent IMHO.

ILMH,

FWIW, I, as a newly betrayed BS, was very vulnerable to have an affair of my own. If fact, if someone that I was in the least bit attracted to had come along in those eary days before I found MB, I probably would have.

It is easy for me to look back now and see what a horrible mistake that would have been. But in the pain of my own misery back then, I think I would have done just about anything to try and lessen it. Of course, having an affair of my own wouldn't have solved anything, but people who are suffering whether very vocally or in silence will do things that are very out of character for them.

I'm not suggesting that this is what is happening, but merely pointing out the danger in believing that your BH is not capable of having an affair.

I believe that we all are, given the right circumstances.

Who

You said: "He has agreed to leave his phone alone, now that I've told him that it's more concerning for him to try to alleviate my stress by it not being there."

Just wanted to point out that there are other ways of communiticating with the OW then with his cell phone, especially now that he knows you are looking at it. There's his office phone that you can't track. I found a calling card in my H's wallet when he has a cell phone, so why would he need a calling card... So if he wants to talk to her behind your back, he will find another way.

You said: "My H has told me that he is willing to do anything that will protect our marriage from any future problems."

If he's willing to do anything, then why does he say he's going to 'distance himself from her' instead of saying he'll have NC if he knows how uncomfortable it makes you feel?

You don't need to be suspcious of every one of his actions, but I think people are just saying, don't be blind to them either.

I wish you the best