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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 49
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 49 |
Does anyone have advice on how I can get out of this trap that I have seem to fall into with lying to my H....
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Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 219
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Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 219 |
Hard to say without more detail, but I think that you will have to start by coming clean, the sooner the better.
Do or not Do, there is no try.
Me 41
DW 42
M 20 years
DD 18 (on her own)
DD13
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 133
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 133 |
First- stop lying to yourself...
stop believing that its ok to lie to your SO
Second--come clean--100% About EVERYTHING-- and ask for forgiveness, understanding, compassion, and HELP from your SO.
Tell SO that you are ready to come clean, you want to- and want to love and be open with SO,, find your fears and confront them- together.
work hard and accomplish your goals
M:37,H:33
M:03/07
together since 01/06
2DS: 18 & 9, DD:14
4Myself/4BetterorWorse/4-US
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 520
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 520 |
Loving Fool,
This is a problem my FWH has with me and I am telling you that it feels JUST like D-day EVERY time I find out a new lie(and NONE of them are A related at all.)
I would suggest that you write down each thing you are lying about and read it to your spouse at an appropriate time, POJAd by the two of you. Reading will keep you on the track if your spouse gets really upset and you find yourself upset also. Also, it might help your spouse to see how serious you are.
Be prepared for your spouse's anger. Hopefully it will not be as bad as you are expecting. But lying is a betrayal so I would expect something. There is ALWAYS a consequence for betrayal. ALWAYS. Just accept that and plan on dealing with it.
DO NOT MAKE EXCUSES even IF you might feel really justified in some of the lies. Assuming for the moment that there could POSSIBLY be some good reason for a lie, pretend that there ISN'T. Your goal here is to become OPEN and HONEST with your spouse.
Tell your spouse that you WANT to be accountable from this moment on and try to POJA a way to do that. This one is the hardest I think because now you will HAVE to break the habit of lying or risk your spouse feeling used and betrayed. Do not underestimate that and do NOT make a promise you do not intend to keep.
Keep NO secrets form your spouse from now on. Not even good ones, like birthday presents or surprise dinners. The temptation to keep "one little white lie secret" is just too strong.
Approach your lying as an addiction. Look into the 12 steps to see how people break those addictions.
I admire your desire to stop lying to your spouse.
I will be praying for you.
Good luck,
WH2LE
WH2LE
BS(Me)-57
FWH-54
Married-5/26/2001(2nd for me, 1st for him)
DS-30
DD-27
D-Day-05/31/2007
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Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 464
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Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 464 |
You need to find the root cause of why you lie and look at it objectively on each lie you tell and see if there is a common denominator. Once you have found the root cause you'll be much better prepared to correct it.
Is it fear of his reaction? Is it your need to hide things? etc...
Going into recovery now so I can be a better person for my children and for me.
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Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 464
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Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 464 |
IMHO lying (many forms of it) is the worst thing you can do in a marriage. Once you start doing that all trust is gone and thats a hard road to come back from.
Going into recovery now so I can be a better person for my children and for me.
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,703
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,703 |
irst- stop lying to yourself...
stop believing that its ok to lie to your SO
****************************
examine this.
WHY do you lie? how have you justified it as ok to lie to your spouse?
Why are you afraid to be honest w/ your wife?
think about your own values...do you value honesty?
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