Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 4 1 2 3 4
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 998
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 998
I will let some of the veteran's respond- however, most of them say.

Don't leave your home!!!!!!

Don't leave your home!!!!!!

Don't leave your home!!!!!!

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 349
O
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 349
Thanks. I will follow that advice. I just feel like such an idiot for putting up with this.


BS (me) : 43yo
WW: 41 yo
married 17+ yrs
D-Day #1 ONS Aug 03
D-Day #2 Dec 5, 2007
Four kids: 14 yo Son, 11 yo Son, 7 yo Daughter, 5 yo son

First Day on MB

Second Thread on MB
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 998
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 998
Bumping!

Can someone else more experienced weigh in here?

Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5,871
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5,871
I'm certainly no more experienced than coachswife, but I am wondering if your wife's cell is paid for by you. Could you have it cut off? Also, I agree that you should not leave your home; a very big mistake, IMO. Have you asked your wife to leave? Do you want her to leave? If not, have you asked her to consider counselling? Forgive me, for I do not know your entire history.


Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 349
O
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 349
Yes I have asked her. She says she is not leaving. My problem is that I know, she knows, this A is over and wouldn't work out anyway. But she has to get her fix every couple of weeks. We are going to counseling and she told me and the MC'er last night she would not call him anymore. Well we'll see.

She hasn't done much to build trust with me. Plus I can tell when she's had contact. She treats me not so good. This last time I felt things were really getting better. Then Sunday night, she calls him and talks for 45 minutes. It's been pretty ruff on me and I'm not sure how much more I can take.

We'll see if she keeps this promise. She doesn't have a good track record though. She thinks I should understand that she would slip. I just asked if it was ok If I started calling women from work just to chat. The answer is "No". Then I remind her that I haven't even had an A with any of them, so why can't she see my point?

Last edited by BetterDaysAhead; 04/01/08 01:49 PM.

BS (me) : 43yo
WW: 41 yo
married 17+ yrs
D-Day #1 ONS Aug 03
D-Day #2 Dec 5, 2007
Four kids: 14 yo Son, 11 yo Son, 7 yo Daughter, 5 yo son

First Day on MB

Second Thread on MB
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 998
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 998
If she's uncomfortable with you being there then she is the one who needs to leave.

I would not leave my home period.

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 349
O
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 349
Your right, plus it wouldn't be good for the kids. I think my problem is I'm starting to check out of this marriage. I feel I am going to long doing everything for her and not getting anything met for me.

God has protected me so far. I can see why someone in my situation could very easily have an A themselves. It's a good thing I don't work around any women.

What's funny about all of this is that I really don't need to have anyone. But when you live with someone you want your R to be good. I've read how much BS do for their WS just to save the marriage and it almost makes you sick. I can't seem to make my wife go in any direction. I'm starting to believe that things won't get better, that she won't change. I'm starting to resent her. Nobody can talk to her.

It's been over 4 months since D-Day and we're no closer to recovery than when we started. MC hasn't helped. She won't do anything the C says to do. Like spending time with me.

Do they ever really realize how much pain they caused? When does recovery start? When will she start to do something for me before it's too late? I don't expect answers to those questions. I want an equal marriage. I continue to hear from her that "I'm just not in it".

I'm just getting wore down and needed to vent. I just would love to have someone to share my life with. This can't stay like this for much longer. I don't expect things to be fix over night, I just want them to go in that direction.

I know I'm just having a pity party this morning. But I'm just slap wore out about this.

but I agree CW, I will not leave my home until we get a D (not that that's where this is headed) and sell it. I will not get a girlfriend before then either. ;\)


BS (me) : 43yo
WW: 41 yo
married 17+ yrs
D-Day #1 ONS Aug 03
D-Day #2 Dec 5, 2007
Four kids: 14 yo Son, 11 yo Son, 7 yo Daughter, 5 yo son

First Day on MB

Second Thread on MB
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 998
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 998
Yes, protect your boundaries. You're very vulnerable for an A right now, with your needs not being met.

I hope some others will weigh in because I'm not a MB expert. I think though I've heard others say that Plan A is about you meeting her needs- with no expectations that she will do the same.

I'm a FWW who didn't recover her marriage. You're asking if they ever regret or feel bad for what they've done. Yes,
they do. I've had terrible guilt over what I did to my ex husband and especially my children.

I should have just divorced rather than have an A. There was a very high level of neglect in my marriage. I don't regret the fact that I divorced really, it's more that I hate that I hurt my ex the way I did- and I hate the way I hurt my children- and
the ways it will affect them. No matter how he had treated me I should have remained faithful and done things the right way.

I didn't, for example, think how would I feel when my children's stepmom painted her nails or tucked them in at night. That never crossed my mind that someone else might tuck my kids in! That's the kind of things WW's do not think about!

Why don't you ask her that question?? ;\)

I'm remarried now (not to the OM) and things are good in my marriage. I still do have terrible guilt. I've asked for forgiveness from my BH and he's chosen not to forgive me. I can understand how he feels that way- but he's remarried as well!

I just wanted to let you know that I do believe they eventually regret it- because if you've been a good person and you end up doing something this bad it's gonna stick with you. I found out about a year and a half ago I'm bipolar which my dr thinks it contributed to me having the A. I'm medicated now and in a much better place. I can't go to my FH and tell him- hey, I've really been ill and wasn't myself because of being bipolar. He'd just think I was trying to excuse my actions or try to use it against me as far as my children go.

For me, and this is something I've only come to realize- the affair was about filling up a hole inside myself. My closest relative died and I was devastated. The only person who had ever put me first in the world has left this world. I didn't know how to process it. It was like the loss of her left a big hole in me that I tried to fill with other things. The kids, the house, etc- because my H was never home. I was searching for something to fill me up- when in reality I have to be the one who fills myself up. For me, it's a God sized hole too.

I'm rambling- but I hope that you get what I'm saying and it's helped you a little.

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,091
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,091
Your WW is going to have to hit rock bottom before she sees the light of exactly what she's doing.

Then and only then will she be willing to get off the fence that she's sitting on.

Nobody will be able to help her see it and she won't get help until she feels the need for it.

She seems to still be in the..."It's all about me" stage.


BS(me) 35 - WH -36 / 3 Daughters / Multiple DDays / Seperated 3 Times/ In Recovery Since 10/01
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 349
O
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 349
Thanks, CW for being so honest. It does give me comfort to hear things like this from you. That helps a bunch. I guess that's the difference between me and your FH. I do realize my part in this. I want to fix me. As I have said before, even if it's not with her my next W will get a better husband than she had.

Miss Priss, I have to agree. She is the most selfish person I think I've ever met at the moment. She really doesn't care how I feel right now. My heart could explode right now and she might look at me and say "oh that's not good". If I was lucky.


BS (me) : 43yo
WW: 41 yo
married 17+ yrs
D-Day #1 ONS Aug 03
D-Day #2 Dec 5, 2007
Four kids: 14 yo Son, 11 yo Son, 7 yo Daughter, 5 yo son

First Day on MB

Second Thread on MB
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 998
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 998
 Originally Posted By: BetterDaysAhead
Thanks, CW for being so honest. It does give me comfort to hear things like this from you. That helps a bunch. I guess that's the difference between me and your FH. I do realize my part in this. I want to fix me. As I have said before, even if it's not with her my next W will get a better husband than she had.



Well to be fair, he was willing to try to fix things too. It's just it was a little too late for me. I'd had serious talks with him about being unhappy, that I felt we were roommates,
I was very specific with him about what I was looking for. I was not one of the WW who never said there was a problem.

Yet when you tell your spouse "I will leave you or have an affair if you don't start working on our marriage" and your spouse says "I don't have time to work on our marriage" That kinda lets you know where you stand on the list of priorities. \:\( That still hurts when I repeat it.

He wouldn't do counseling, work MB, or any other marital program until I said I wanted a divorce.

I wasn't really planning on having an affair when I said it nor did I go looking for one in revenge.

It's funny. I'd say the divorce turned him into a better dad than he was but he still does the same things to his new wife he did to me. So, he still hasn't worked on himself. His new wife (who I've known for probably 20 years) is one who will never insist on having her needs met. When she was married before- her husband was very very selfish and she never stood up to him. She was the perfect one to marry my FH!

It's good that you are working on yourself. My current husband was the BS in his marriage. He went to counseling by himself and worked on his issues to be a better spouse. Boy, I've been reaping the benefits of that! So you're right. If she doesn't appreciate it the next person in your life will!

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 96
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 96
Hey Better Days - Just wondering how you are doing? Haven't seen anything from you in awhile. Wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you, hoping things are going better for you.


BS (Me) - 34
WS - 31
married 12/22/01
2 DDs - 4 yrs. and 23 mos.
DDay - 11/4/07
several promises of NC that never happened
2/15/08 - the aliens leave and recovery begins at last!
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 349
O
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 349
Hey WJ,

good to hear from you. This is the update I put on my other thread.

 Quote:
Well, she never would make a committment to our marriage. She wanted a D. So I went to an online place that does a great job of putting all the paper work together for a uncontested D. My W is being very civil and wants to remain friends. I agree. So I spent the $199 to do this and then as soon as we sign everything I file for $65. That was a week and a half ago. Right after that my W started treating me great. The whole week. I finally asked her if she was going to look over the paperwork or not. If she still wanted the D. She then told me that she was having doubts about the D. I thought "I just spent $199 to get you to that point?" So that's where I'm at. I don't know what to think. It would be worth the $199 if that's what it took, but after I had given up I really geared myself for everything. I had already clicked my brain over to being single again and having to worry about an apartment and everything else. I'm just kind of sitting on this for now, but I may have gone too far in my own mind and emotions. Maybe that's good. She's going to have to work some to keep the marriage alive. Because once I click that brain over I really don't care much one way or the other. I figured I would get to that point and I did. We'll see if she's willing to do what it takes to fix our marriage. Yes I still care for her and want to keep the M, but I have already calculated what life without her would be. I am still giving her the Plan A treatment, but if it ends...ok. I know that's sad, but it the truth.

-okie


So I haven't given up just near the end.


BS (me) : 43yo
WW: 41 yo
married 17+ yrs
D-Day #1 ONS Aug 03
D-Day #2 Dec 5, 2007
Four kids: 14 yo Son, 11 yo Son, 7 yo Daughter, 5 yo son

First Day on MB

Second Thread on MB
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
 Originally Posted By: Okieflyer1
Well, she never would make a committment to our marriage. She wanted a D. So I went to an online place that does a great job of putting all the paper work together for a uncontested D. My W is being very civil and wants to remain friends. I agree.


A feature of all waywards, and sometimes even former-waywards, is that they're driven by their feelings, and rarely spend much time thinking about the consequences of their actions. If anything, more time is spend on finding ways to AVOID the consequences of their actions.

With that in mind, I might have approached that D-talk differently, and basically point out what the future was likely going to be like (e.g. lower quality of living, etc.), if she hadn't thought about that already.

I certainly would not have agreed to "remain friends" or do any of the D-work for her.


ManInMotion
===========
(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 349
O
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 349
I agree with you 100% MIM. She has definately become feelings driven. But I'm to the point I almost want the D myself. That's the sad part. She'll have to do something, because I can't live like this anymore. I really have reached the edge. I think it will literally take her getting out before anything can happen. The bad thing is that it maybe too late by then.

Last edited by Okieflyer1; 05/07/08 06:08 PM.

BS (me) : 43yo
WW: 41 yo
married 17+ yrs
D-Day #1 ONS Aug 03
D-Day #2 Dec 5, 2007
Four kids: 14 yo Son, 11 yo Son, 7 yo Daughter, 5 yo son

First Day on MB

Second Thread on MB
Page 4 of 4 1 2 3 4

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 15 guests, and 150 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Olivia 80, Brad344, Bobbyboy341, Steve123, kenmw
71,696 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,537
Posts2,322,669
Members71,696
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5