Hi everyone. I've been dating my BF for about seven months now. We started dating just a few weeks after he and his last girlfriend broke up. He had been with her for almost 5 years. I can see now how it was probably a mistake to agree to start dating him so soon after their break up because of course it's going to take more than a few weeks to completely get over someone that you'd been with for that long. I met him on an online dating site, and although I was hesistant to start dating him due to his (at the time) very recent break up, he assured me that it was fine and wouldn't be a problem at all. So, I agreed to meet up with him and we just hit it off wonderfully. After just a short time of seeing each other, we agreed to start dating exclusively. He's been an absolutely amazing boyfriend except for one thing.

Up until a few weeks ago, he kept me a secret from both his EXGF and his family and friends. He said he couldn't tell his family and friends about me because then his EX would find out that he was dating someone new and that he didn't want her to be all devastated about it. I should add that once he told his EX about me, he then felt okay telling his friends and family about me, so they all know about me now. However, I still have yet to actually meet any of them. (Part of this is due to the fact that we live an hour apart from each other, so making arrangments for me to meet his friends and family aren't quite as simple as if we both lived right in the same city). When he finally told her, she was really upset and has gone back and forth repeatedly about what role she wants him to play in her life from here on out. One day, she'd tell him she wants nothing to do with him. The next day she'd be talking to him like everything was just fine and that she wanted to stay friends with him. He insists that he definitely doesn't want to get back together with her but admits that he'd like to keep her as a friend in his life. All this time, they have had daily contact or at least close to it. They no longer hang out in person at all but they still have almost daily contact, mostly through texting. He has offered to show me some of their text conversations before to prove to me that nothing inappropriate is being said. However, personally I think just the fact that they are still in contact this frequently is inappropriate now that he's dating me.

When they broke up, they never really took any kind of real break from each other before trying to be friends. They pretty much just immediately went from being BF and GF to okay let's be platonic friends now. Her presence in his life has been very upsetting to me, and because of this he has cut down on the amount of contact with her but not yet to the degree that I would like.

We got into a bit of an argument earlier today because I once again asked him to please take her off his M S profile friends list. I've told him that I don't think it's appropriate for either of us to have anyone on our friends list that we used to have s*x with. He says he can understand why it would upset me but that he doesn't understand why I'm making such a big deal out of it as he says that he doesn't even talk to her on there. Another reason I don't like her on his M S friends list is that although he recently changed his relationship status thing to reflect that he's in a relationship, he still doesn't feel comfortable posting pics of me/us or comments from me on his page. Can you guess why?? It's because he doesn't want her to see those things and get all upset. I told him that the logical solution would be for him to simply take her off his friends list. However, he said he's not going to take her off his friends list today and he'll do it when HE feels ready to. He said that's why they call it MY S****f, not YOUR Sp*** because I'm supposed to be able to choose who I want on my friends list, etc...Am I being unreasonable to have a problem with the whole M S issue? Should I just trust that at some point he will take her off his friends list and/or start posting pics of us, etc?

sadgirl123 - do yourself a huge favor and tell him to go home to mommy and come back when he grows up and understands what a real relationship means.

He's still emotionally tied to the other girlfriend and he has no clue what fidelity and exclusivity mean. He is also extremely self-centered. Do yourself an even bigger favor and let the old girlfriend have his undesirable carcass back.

If you want to keep dating him, be sure to remind yourself that he is not "marriage material" at this point and likely wouldn't be for a few years, and that's assuming he would even begin to learn what that might mean (and I really don't think he would even try to learn).

If you were my daughter, I'd tell you to run, not walk, as fast as you can away from this person.

Good luck.

"He says he can understand why it would upset me but that he doesn't understand why I'm making such a big deal out of it as he says that he doesn't even talk to her on there."

Big red flag here. Whether he understands or not, whether you are making a big deal out of it or not, it upsets you and that should be enough for him to want to have no contact with her.

I would sweetly let him know that you will start dating others now and would love to remain friends with him.

Try to get the book "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders". I think it is called "The One" also. It will give you a good idea on what to look for in a lifetime partner and how to be a good lifetime partner.

Hope you will get this resolved now so that you aren't married to the guy and still posting about his dependence on his ex 5 years from now.

It will not work out. It will not work out for a dozen reasons. Texting daily? Uh...no. Run, don't walk.

Start dating other people, get some other activities in your life, and tell him you'll still date him, but not exclusively. He is cake eating, and if you marry, he'll just go underground with her.

I like to tell people that if you're talking about someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, you can spend the first few years testing the waters. You can afford that time, to make sure it's right. If that person is not willing to wait that long, then they don't really love you.

btdt!
it has only been seven months and already he is not respecting your boundaries. he is only NOW telling his family and friends you two were dating? who cares what an exgf thinks? he is still emotionally tied to her, and he worries too much what others think if he couldn't even tell anyone you two were dating.

you were a "rebound". sorry to say that. he had no business being on a dating site so soon after a break up anyway.

it will not get any better. if he doesn't think he needs to respect your boundaries, that won't change. you are just in for much heartache.

i am telling you, i just went through this last year with someone i dated for over a year. it never got any better. he never respected my boundaries. i got the same thing about a girl he had briefly dated but did have sex with. "i don't understand why you don't want me going to dinner alone with her. or still talk to her, etc. still text still talk on the phone. just because we had sex!" omg, it was ridiculous. then when i expected my boundaries to be respected i got the guilt trip "she is such a good friend of mine, i don't understand why i have to stop that, etc..."

i agree, i'd run away from this one. chalk it up to a lesson learned.

mlhb

He said he couldn't tell his family and friends about me because then his EX would find out that he was dating someone new and that he didn't want her to be all devastated about it.

This is enough for me to break it off. I will not be the back seat to anyone (other than God) in marriage and behind only a select few while dating. An ex is certainly not one of them.

He has alot of maturing to do in order to be truly relationship material. For the sake of your own self worth and recovery, I would run the other way.

that is so true as well!

i told exbf that too! i told him "give me a call when you are ready for me to be Plan A. I am not anyone's Plan B (meaning, back up plan) I am THE plan or no plan at all!" and i think after over a year of dating and talking marriage and rings, it was not too much to ask.

he never made me plan A.

mlhb

I think one problem we all have in common after the shock of betrayal and divorce is the thought that we might be alone for the rest of our lives. So we tend to settle for less than we deserve.

It is important to realize that there are lots of potential partners out there and to hold out for someone who treats us well.

One thing I noticed about on-line dating sites is that there are a lot of people there just coming out of a relationship. Often it seems like they are not willing to do the work of getting out and meeting someone. Instead they sign up on line. The only bad thing is that many are not ready for another relationship.

I'm much older than all of the posters here, and not particularly good looking. But I've found plenty of good men that value me. Please don't set your sites so low that you are willing to accept poor treatment.

It's very clear from what you've written here that the only solution is to end the romantic relationship. He was not prepared to "date exclusively" all those months ago, he was only prepared to go out with you socially while still maintaining a significant emotional relationship with another person in which her feelings trumped yours.

Think of it this way: the two of you may have agreed to take a trip together to a certain destination, but you immediately set off in the wrong direction, with the wrong kinds of clothes packed in your suitcases and the wrong travel documents. you keep moving and you have the illusion of progress but you can't ever reach your planned destination or do the things you wanted to do there because you were never ready for it.

Does it make sense to keep bumbling along? Or is it better to turn back, take some time to rest up and then decide whether you want to try again and do it right next time, if you indeed want to do it at all?

Sad to say, he's PLAYING you...

I highly recommend for you to MOVE ON...

CLOSE THE DOOR on having a relationship with him..

He'll come back, willing to meet your requests, if he REALLY wants to have a COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP with you...

As others have suggested, RUN FAST, away from this one. He has shown you who he is, so now it's your job to believe him. He has no respect for your boundaries, or for your relationship in general....It is not your problem that he isn't "ready" for a relationship, so don't settle for his nonsense. You can show him that you are willing to enforce your boundaries by sending him away with a one way ticket out of your life. I wouldn't entertain a friendship with him either.We teach people how to treat us..You aren't married to him so I wouldn't make it your job to try and reform him....having experienced the cruelty of infidelity once, I have very low tolerance for the kind of behavior you are describing your BF is currently exhibiting....There are plenty of other men out there for you to date, let this one go. He won't be worth the heartache that is in store... If he is already trying to hang on to contact with an ex, finding himself more concerned about her emotional state than yours, imagine what it would be like to be MARRIED to him in a few years. It's just not worth it.

Count your lucky stars that you have seen his true colors, and now you can proceed with finding someone mature and ready for a healthy relationship, and possibly marriage down the road.

You've been given great advice. Run as fast as you can from this guy!

This guy cares more about hurting his ex than hurting you! Which means he cares more about her than you!

The only reason a guy stays "friends" with his ex but does not tell his ex about his new relationship is because he is still emotionally involved with his ex.

There is a guy out there that is worthy of you and will treat you the way you deserve. This is not the guy!

From a MBer's POV, he likely still has LOVE for his XGF and is wanting you on the side. He will be USING you. HE needs to CHOOSE to totally sever his ties from her. YOU can't FORCE him to do this. YOU want a guy who wants YOU and ONLY YOU in his LIFE. You are WORTHY and DESERVING of that and THAT GUY is out there, agreeing here with what the others are saying...