That's what I thought, too, PM. I was like "uh oh - he was better with HER?"

To add to what PM said as far as sharing you and the chaos in at WW house. Your home is DS's home, right? That was the marital home?

If so, of course he is more comfortable there - it is HIS. Just really seems like a no-brainer.

Sending good thoughts to you and DS. (((James & DS)))

Fox

Thanks PM and Foxy.. I really appreciate the support.

I went back and read what I typed before and yeah.. that didn't come across right.

Yes, my home is the marital home and is his home.. he calls WW's place 'mommy's apartment house'.. which is kinda weird.

I really don't have a clear read on the evaluator.. but based on what I saw and heard and picked up on.. I have to think she's leaning towards me.. but I'm going to not anguish about it or worry until I see the report.

There's no way I can know what went on or was said between WW and the evaluator.. and there's no way I can know what she'll write in her evaluation.

I sincerely hope you're right PM.. though you've seen quite a bit of one side of the story. I also feel DS would be much better off with me.. but I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think he would be.

I'll keep praying about it, but my 'active' involvement is done. Now all that is left is her mailing out questionnaires to our references and waiting for their response. I figure it'll be a few weeks and we'll have an idea of what the evaluator recommends.

Keeping my fingers crossed.

Right there with ya.

Fox

Fingers, toes, knees and eyes. In the meantime... continue on loving those kiddos and being super duper dad.

I'm right there with everyone else, hoping for the best. It's good news. Maybe just evaluator-related, but good news nonetheless.

IIRC, didn't she say "I think it's too late for us" in your most recent conversation rather than "It's over between us" the way she had previously?

Agree that you should not make major hope bank deposits (I like that one), just keep on truckin'.

IMO, your WW probably was hinted by the evaluator that she didn't like the fact the another man was living with her and your son while she is still married. Your custody evaluator seems to drop hints about what way she is leaning, and I bet your WW has picked up on some of those, and is starting to freak out about losing custody, so she probably made Wonderboy move out in a last ditch effort to curry favor with the evaluator. I'm sure, however, that this didn't go over too well with Wonderboy, and threw a little wrench in the fantasy of affairland. The reality of the consequences of this affair are starting to catch up with her. I don't know if your relationship with her will ever be saved (your WW seems like the type to run away from her problems and never face them) and I don't know that it should, but the affair is probably slowly starting to crumble.

That's my take.

I wonder if he was told to be quiet at WW's.

I have my fingers, toes, and everything possible crossed for you!

Thanks for stoppin in bro.

Yeah.. the conversations lately, with her opening up and just talking to me have also come with a slightly different tone towards anything having to do with things that were in the past sources of very heated discussions between the two of us.

But you and I both know that we can read a lot into things waywards say and be way off the mark.. actions are what we need to be watching.

I do think it's more telling that she's starting to talk to me about DSD, work, her ex husband, and even some of what's going on between her and Wonderboy.. talking to me like someone she knows she can confide in..

I think one of the things BS's in our situation figure out pretty quickly is how to 'manage hope' as it were.

I agree that my best course of action right now is to keep on as I have been. IF this is the beginning of the end of the A, and IF her opening up to me is a result of me just getting on with my life.. I think the best thing I could POSSIBLY do is to continue doing what seems to be making things better.

I'm almost wondering if it isn't time to make another appointment with Jennifer and see if I need a strategy change. I imagine though she'd probably tell me to keep doing whatever it is that is working.

Sushi,

Hehe.. thanks. Just don't cross your eyes for too long.. they can get stuck like that

If this is the case, it can only be a good sign.

I'm with you on the possibility that the evaluator may have given subtle indications on her leanings. IF they are genuine and not calculated I have to admit that I picked up on a few things that are fairly reassuring to me.



Well.. as difficult as it is.. and without knowing who made the call or why to have him move out.. trying to put myself into his shoes.. it would definitely be the beginning of the end for me. My thought process if I were him would be something to the tune of: I'm 26.. I don't -need- this drama in my life.

How do I know? Because when I was 26.. I avoided this kind of drama like the plague. No good ever comes from it.

Regardless I think your point about the realities of the consequences catching up with her is very valid.. even she says that the 'reason' is because it's confusing for the kids.. so perhaps there is -something- creeping in throught the fog? Who knows.. it's easy to speculate though.

As for whether or not she'll continue to run from the problem or even if there should be a reconciliation.. the indications at this point are that she's not done running away yet.. and may never be.

You know what though? If she continues to run.. I'm actually ok with that. I'll always regret that there was no real opportunity given for us to put the pieces back together.. HOWEVER that wasn't the choice I made.. I'll know that I held on as long as I could and did all I could to make it right. And if she keeps running, then she's not the kind of woman I deserve to have in my life.. and she's not the person I thought I married. In which case I'm better off.

Wow James,

Your growth is amazing and you are doing awesome. I am glad you checked in and told us what's going on. From my mouth to G-d's ears that our hopes for your successes are in his plans.

I pray that it is so Queenie.

I know you've been hurting too, so I've certainly been keeping you in my prayers. I hope that soon Plan B will become a welcome respite to you from the drama.

I personally have found that extricating myself from the daily drama of it all brings SO MUCH welcome peace in my life.

The last couple days have been hard because I keep running in circles in my head as if I could possibly figure out the motivations behind Wonderboy moving out this weekend.. speculating about the implications it may have on their R.

Truth is.. it's unhealthy.

I need simply to continue living -my- life.. if WW catches up, great. If not.. well, it's her loss. My only hangup or 'yeahbuttal' is that it's our children's loss too.

I -peeked- ahead in my 'Praying God's Word Daily' devotional book to tomorrow.. and found a very powerful message that I think many standers need to keep in mind... to paraphrase: If you've been hoping and trusting in the Lord, and do not receive your miracle. HE has something better planned for you.. stay tuned.


So guess what.. I'm trusting that HE will arrange the future. I'm going to live in right now and pray that I can be the man that God wants me to be.. for Him.. for me.. for my children.. for my family.

All I can do is my best, and let God do the rest.

You are so right! Our children's loss too! That's what keeps getting to me! I start letting that get to me, but sometimes I'm able to remind myself that God also has a plan for them as well! My kids deserve so much better than what their dad is giving them, and they deserve better than what I've been giving them, I know I need to step up and not let what he has done reflect on the way I am with them, if anything I have to make up the difference and not let the drain he is on me- drain me so much so that I don't have enough for them. (rambling I know)

I really like the message!! I'm a fellow stander by the way! Praying for you today.

Ahh yes, something that I certainly need to do a better job of keeping in the forefront of my mind.

Not only trusting in God for the outcome of my M.. but also for the outcome of my children's lives..



I keep having this recurring thought though.. of how can she not see how important she, and DSD are to me for me even to just be KEEPING THE DOOR OPEN at this point.. especially when she's in her self righteous furor at DSD's biological dad for his abandonment AND made a big fuss on Wednesday about how he didn't even ask about her.. it was all about him blah blah blah.. I ask about her all the time.. only live a few minutes away and haven't gotten to see my little girl well... since December.. and that was only to give her her Christmas presents..

I wish she just had an inkling of how much love, and faith it takes to stand for her and DSD when every instinct says run and protect yourself.. fight for your son.. do what you can and get as far away as possible from her..

But then I read and constantly get reminders of God's promises for me and my marriage.. how he rebuilt Israel MULTIPLE times and gave it back to his chosen people.. over and over again.. they broke the faith and lost the prize.. only for Him to forgive them and bring them home.. how can I live a Christlike life if I calously close the door? If I eschew love for hate or apathy.. I can't see anywhere that God gives me that direction.. but clearly can see the message to love, especially those who persecute and hurt us..

*takes a deep breath*

Ok.. that's out.. it's just been banging around my head.. and yes, I'll repeat.. she makes no sense.

I just need to stop expecting it to..


Is it supposed to hurt any less when the lies come in the context of a 'friendly', relaxed conversation?

Hey James, Hi ladies and gentles...just popping in to say hello, and it sounds like things are wonderful to me! GRRREEAAATTT Job!

I think that you will continue to amaze yourself as time goes on!

Thinking of you!
Rin

(((((Rin)))))

Thankee!! So glad to read on your thread that you're doing well too.

I'm hoping that it gets better and better with time.. I'm really starting to get back to who I was before W came along in my life, and I remember just how many times I thought to myself while we were together how much I miss those days... now at the time it was just kinda nostalgic.. those were good times type thoughts.. but that's something I can get back.. at least a little bit now

I liked myself then..

Looking at the ME in the marriage I lost something of myself..

I've always been honest.. but used to be I was VERY opinionated and BRUTALLY honest.. I think W liked that about me when we first met..

But over time I became less and less assertive.. let my personal boundaries get trampled.. and overlooked offenses out of love.. I didn't stand my ground.. let her push me around into doing things I didn't necessarily want to do.. or wasn't ready for..

But I did it.. 'because I loved her'... but now I look back and see that I was honestly doing her a disservice.. never making her -fight- for anything she wanted.. I just gave in.. and if it was within my power.. even if it wasn't something I wanted.. I gave it to her..

She always got what she wanted..

She even gets to make all the choices now...

She chose to leave me for another man...

She chose to have him around our kids...

She is now choosing to evict him from her apartment now that the children have somewhat bonded with him (not that I'm keen on having him around them.. this is just MORE upheval in their lives).

She gets to make the CHOICE to come home and try to fix the M, or to go through with the D.


Only choice I got to make.. was to be her husband and to be faithful and love her for the rest of my life.. and she's turned it into a f*cking joke...


*breathes*

Now I get to choose not to let her walk on me ever again..

Now I get to choose to be the sometimes brutally honest person I used to be.. just the truth.. not DJ's or AO's.. just honesty, even if it's a hard truth for them to hear.


So... 2nd weekend in a row due to the stupid parenting time guidelines I don't get to see my son.. I'm a little punchy it appears..

been kind of an up and down day... I really need to stop thinking about her and his move this weekend...

I feel you on so many different levels...the giving in I think is the biggest thing that I did wrong...and they get so use to it that, I know for me, when I did stand up after having back down for so long, that what I wanted didn't matter...

POWS knew that if he pushed he would end up getting his way...then there at the end, well, no matter how much I stood up...he was coming with more force! Could I have done anything to change that? I Don't know...and it doesn't matter anymore because I can not ever see myself with this man again...

Yesterday I could him in a lie and today...I can not and will not tolerate it...there's hardly any contact with him and I love it...

I stand up now, and he tries to get me to back down...I'm sure that was a part of the conversation yesterday...trying to make me feel guilty but you know what...IT DOESN'T work ANYMORE...

I know my stuff and that is not my stuff...more consequences on his part...still learning his lesson...I don't even feel compassion for him most of the time...usually I think he's just plain pathetic...a sorry excuse for a man...

I can ask myself today what did I see in him in the first place? And the answer is I don't know that either...he was exciting but at a part in my life when I was growing up wanting to be rebellious...I thought he was something more than he was...whether that's denial, or fantasy, or him pretending...I don't know either...and like I said it doesn't matter...

So, here I am today with my future in front of me...headed in the right direction...and full of awareness...what more can I ask?

God is my leader...I shall follow! you know he knows better...his plan is always better than our's! it's his design to begin with!

The next time the opportunity presents itself and she talks about DSD and her biological dad in her self righteous furor....tell her what you say above.

WW, I only live a few minutes away and haven't gotten to see my little girl and I ask about her all the time and I care about her so much.

Say nothing else...just that.

I have some of the same concerns that Jim mentioned--that I'm not sure she can be the right person for you--but what you say here tells me you're on the right path.

Hang in there.

Yah Know!

In a good marriage, you can give and NOT have your boundaries trampled. You can be kind, honest, and truthful, without having to be brutally honest. You can get joy from making someone happy and not fear that they will take this to mean that you are a pansy to be treated as they wish.

Jamesus, in the real world she is NOT getting to make all of the decisions, she is trying to cover up her bad ones. You have made many decisions since this started, and I think you will be given the opportunity to make many more.

You have faith, you have good children, you have learned alot, and now YOU get to make "better" choices.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL