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Hi to everyone,
Am back. Have been reading, preparing. Am getting stronger. H notices this and does not like that I am refusing to be a doormat. I am taking steps to break free. Keep me in your prayers.
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So glad! I was worrying about you! Tell me, did you read The Dance of Anger? Good, quick read, very appropriate and helpful. It discusses his exact reaction.
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I will keep your safety in my thoughts as he sees you taking a stand. Just be careful and keep getting stronger. Keep close with your friends and family.
((((HUGS))))
Married 1996 4 wonderful children 16, 13 *OC*, 10, 7 FWW 30's FWH 30's My dday 1-2007 he came clean to me My story New beginings
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Hi to everyone,
My H notices me distancing from him and he is now playing the game of being sorry, and sad, and writing poetry to try to win me back. I know it is all manipulation. Its so tiring feeling so many emotions: sad, angry, and most of all, still scared of him. I don't feel strong at all, even though everyone who knows me says that I am getting stronger. Thanks for all your support.
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Thanks for letting us know. What are you doing for yourself? What books have you read so far? Are you seeing a counselor? Are you making new friends? New hobbies? Reconnecting with family? Spill!
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Hi DTP,
Thanks for coming back and letting us know how you are doing.
Have you contacted a women's shelter? I am still very concerned about you. Medc has helped women get out of dangerous relationships, I believe. Would you like his help?
Have you put aside some money, some clothes? Do you have a place to go to?
*hugs* and *prayers*. Please keep us posted if it is safe to do so.
me - 47  H - 39  married 2001 DS 8a  DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy: (Why is DS7b now a blockhead???) (Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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Hi,
Contacted a Domestic Violence Hotline and got names of lawyers.Have appt to see one of them. Have documents and clothes. Am continuing to read, go to therapy, maintain contact with people who care. Friends and family say I am doing the right thing, taking care of myself for once. But I feel so tortured inside, like, I am betraying him, that I failed as a wife. I guess deep down I still believe I do not deserve to be happy. Are these confusing feelings normal? Thanks for the hugs, support and prayers.
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Yes, it's very normal. Have you arranged to see a counselor? You'll probably need that more than anything. She/he will help you see that you were imposed upon, you were handed an unfair role and expected to just accept it. But aside from your H, no one wants you to continue to accept a role that harms you. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not an ownership. He gave up the right to be married to you the first time he started controlling you.
If it helps, look at this as you being strong enough to help BOTH of you. The only way he will EVER see that what he's done is wrong, is if you leave. You will be HELPING him when you leave. Just like a wayward spouse, he won't see it that way at first, but YOU know better.
btw, I am SO proud of you!
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Therapy is a major part of why I am able to move forward. Also, family, friends, faith, this forum, an antidepressant and domestic violence hotlines. Thank you for saying that I am moving forward also for him. No one ever in his life has told him he did anything wrong (no exaggeration!) He says that I do not follow the Bible because I am not submitting to him. I am scared, but I believe God wants me to take care of myself now.
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I guess he never noticed that part about how husbands were supposed to love their wives as Christ loved the church - so much He gave his life for it.
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Hi to everyone,
I am consulting with a lawyer. My head says I am doing the right thing by planning to file for divorce. My body, though, is reacting with getting sick physically. I have a safety plan, so that's one thing good. But am still scared.
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Glad to hear it! Please have faith that this will all pass. Liken it to having to endure some irritation when getting allergy shots (you know, cos they inject you with the thing you're allergic to, so you'll build up resistance to it), but eventually you'll be healthy and forget why you were hesitant. I just can't wait to hear what you say in a few more months, after you've been out on your own for awhile. I'm excited just thinking about it. No doubts now! You're doing the right thing! Look at it this way: If you had a daughter who you knew was going through the same thing, you'd be worrying about her every single day until she finally left her creep of a husband. So why would you deserve any less? 
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Hi to everyone,
I am consulting with a lawyer. My head says I am doing the right thing by planning to file for divorce. My body, though, is reacting with getting sick physically. I have a safety plan, so that's one thing good. But am still scared. DTP....you will be so much better once you leave and get out from under the abuse.... WE're all thinking about you and are keeping you in our prayers 
Me46
FWH42
Married 19 yrs
EA 4/07 - 4/08
(Confirmed by polygraph that it had not gone PA)
Dday1 4/13/08
Dday2 8/8/08
S26
S16
D10
Trying to Recover
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Thank you for the morale support. I have interviewed two lawyers so far. Retainer fees are high here (NY) but I am realistic and do not believe for one minute that my husband will let me go easily.
If I had a daughter, I would have kidnapped her before she got married, sent her to a place far away, where she could not reach and be reached by someone like my H.
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Thank you so much for the support and the prayers. I need all the help I can get. I hope my Freedom Day comes soon!
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Did you ever go to United Way? I know they can help you with all this.
Good luck!
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Hi,
Is it normal to vacillate this much? I feel like I am the one betraying my husband by thinking of divorce, and there are times now when I actually feel tender towards him. He brings me food and though I know it's a manipulative gesture, I am actually feeling less angry with him. Sisters, did you go through this confusing feelings?
Thank you for the support and prayers.
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It is extremely normal, if he has been abusing you. Because the one common thing that all abuse victims suffer from is lack of faith in one's self. Because the abuser has, over time, convinced you that whatever you have to offer isn't good enough.
Therefore, you should be grateful that he even bothers with you.
Please don't make the mistake of thinking that he can change his personality this fast - or permanently.
Let him prove his love to you - from separate homes, where you can feel safe and start liking yourself again.
You can always remarry later, once you are healthy.
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Hi,
Thank you so much for the wise counsel-- and for broaching the subject of remarrying. I don't believe he has changed--for the better. If at all, he has changed (more sneaky regarding his finances and his affairs). I call his nice gestures, "crumbs" and I know he is manipulative. I just wish I did not need his approval this much.
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DTP.
So much pain comes through in your posts. A man who thinks a woman's place is to submit is a woman who is not in a safe marriage. I have another book recommendation for you -- other than "Why Does He Do That?" -- called "Love & Respect".
Yes, prepare for divorce, and keep your distance. He needs to realize that you are a person who has dignity.
Harley's program for building an emotional bond between husband and wife is wonderful and will work, but a pre-condition is that the man values the woman. If he expects you to submit because he is the man, there is nothing you can do but, what Harley has told me, "run for cover."
Cherished
Last edited by Cherished; 10/19/08 07:52 AM.
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