Hi KLD!!

Thinking about you.

It doesn't sound to me like your H was playing you....But it does sound to me like he was getting his FIX of you. He feels a little better, so YOU feel a little better because YOU are the consummate GIVER.... and he still doesn't have to deal with ending an A and working on repairing your M.

Have you ever seen the television show, "Intervention" on A&E. I don't know if it's still on or not. You would be amazed at how the addicts behave. JUST like what you are describing with your H. Their families love them, the addicts feel guilty and cry and act like they might do themselves in and just say they are overwhelmed with all the awful things they have done and how sorry they are and they refuse to get help(yet), and the families hug them and tell them they love them and the next day the addicts are out getting high again. And then it starts all over.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to be a downer here. It is YOU I am concerned with because I know the day of reckoning is coming.

Your H does NOT know what he wants!!!!! He is too deep in his addictions. And he sure as HE!! doesn't want to talk to anyone for help because then he not only has to admit that he is still deep in an A, but he might have to end it.

But you do know what you want. You want him to be addiction free. Take away his fix of you. He WILL go through withdrawal and things will become much clearer.

How is the job sitch today? Any definites?

Praying,
WH2LE

Hi WH2LE and thanks for reminding me about that addict behavior thing. I kind of forget that he needs a fix of me, too. My negative side is often louder and says that he just wants me to be gone. Since he tried to be the bad guy and D me while I didn't have a job, he realized that this isn't his best plan of action to walk away with a "clear conscience" or whatever.

I do think that he doesn't know what he wants. He is about to have to decide, though!! Every time he has mentioned D, it never seems to stick. He always goes back on it and never moves forward with making that happen.

We've actually had a great evening tonight. He suggested that we go for manicures and pedicures tonight which is something we always enjoy doing together. So we did that and then came home and cooked hamburgers out. He has been in a funny mood and we've laughed alot and had some good lighthearted conversation. I don't know if I mentioned before that one of the things that initially attracted me to him is his sense of humor. He is the funniest guy I've ever met. His British dry sense of humor is perfect and he comes up with these one liners that crack me up.

On the job front, I have a couple of things going on and a few possibilities that have progressed. I had an interview today with the COO of the company in VA. It went very well and he told me that he sees me fitting into the organization in several places. One of the options he mentioned would mean a move to Vermont. That would be a huge change for me and I'm going to have to think alot about a drastic move like that. I don't know if I could stand 10 months of winter!!! I also have an interview next week for a position I'd very much enjoy and it would be in Atlanta though not the level of job as the other one.

If I decide to go the route of a move to VA or VT, WH will be forced to make a decision about our M. He is aware of the situation and said he's been thinking about it now that it seems like a bigger possibility than just a slight chance. I told him tonight that I'd never, ever sacrifice a happy and recovered M for a job - even if it was the perfect job. He said he knows that and that gives him comfort.

Thank you for keeping up with me.

Vermont, YIKES!!!!!!! Keep your options open.

By the way, I live in Southern California.............

Vermont - I know. It was funny how the COO was telling me he had lived there for 2 years and it was great. 4 distinct seasons - didn't say that the winter season lasted 6 months and the summer season is only 2 weeks! He kept telling me that big city life in Boston is only a 3 hour drive which may be fun, but the other part is that Quebec is only an hour and a half away!! Yikes is right! LOL

Hey..hey.. lol
Vermont isn't all that bad! This past winter felt about 10 months long and we had more snow than we have in years and even broke some records. I still have snow on the ground now!! We have 5 seasons rather than the 4. Winter, spring, Mud season, summer and autumn. Since most of our back roads are dirt roads, the snow meltoff makes for mud season. Huge potholes and mud ruts.

It's not so bad, really. If you ski in the winter, then you'll be all set.
~wadeallie in central Vermont

OMG, Wadeallie. It sounds like I'd probably be a wreck after just one winter and mud season! Thanks for the info and I'm sorry for the insults!! LOL

I would actually probably live in Burlington and work in Georgia - I think they're about 25 miles apart. What I've read about Burlington sounds nice, but being by the lake wouldn't be a draw for me if that lake was frozen for 10 months out of the year!!

I've never been snow skiing, so I'll have to just wait and see how this plays out.

KLD: You might do better living in Colchester or Milton rather than Burlington. The housing situation there is out of control. Most single family homes average at $250,000 and higher. There's a major problem with getting young people to stay to work in the area when housing is so bad. Colchester is a nice area for homes. Burlington is our biggest city and there are all kinds of arts activities including concerts, etc. occurring regularly. With 2 large college campuses right in the city, things are always hopping. We make it there about three times a year. I live approx. and hour and a half south.

Thanks for the tips on where to live. Funny about the town names you shared - Colchester is also a city in England close to where my WH is from and we always go there when we visit England. Milton is the last name of WH sister's family. Living in either place will make me think of him!!! LOL

I had actually seen Colchester on the map as a close town, but didn't know much about it. I'll check out housing in these two places and see what I can find. I was talking to WH last night and said that I'd probably want a condo instead of a house to make sure someone else would handle the snow. WH laughed and agreed. I'd actually probably only be there for about 2 years and then move to the VA location. That's the plan they laid out, anyway.

Well, WH dropped a bombshell tonight. We had agreed to talk about how a job offer in another city for me might affect us. I talked to WH this afternoon when he was driving home and asked if this would be a difficult discussion and he said no.

So, tonight he gave me his thoughts and he will probably not move with me if I choose a job in another city. He said he is still on the fence about our M, but is fairly certain he doesn't think it will work out. His only reason is that we have been like friends living together and he doesn't want that kind of a M. He said he is sorry for hurting me. I asked if I stayed in ATL would that make a difference and he said he wasn't sure, but most likely not.

I asked him how he felt about the failure of our M and he said sad because he thought we would make it and we didn't. I asked if he feels like he's done all he can do to make our M better and he said he thinks he hasn't done all he can do. I asked why he would just quit if he hadn't given it all he had when he knows I'm still willing to give it a shot and he didn't have an answer for that. He said he would think more about it.

So, now I'm so down again. I thought we'd made a few inches of a move forward. I asked why he invited me for a snuggle on Sunday night and he said he just wanted to be nice to me and show me that he does care for me. I told him I'd misinterpreted and thought he actually wanted to be close to me and that possibly there had been a slight movement toward reconciliation and he said he was sorry for sending mixed signals.

I know I should get to Plan B immediately and I'm going to try to figure out a way to do it this week. I could go to my parents for a while, but I don't think I could stand it there. LOL. They mean so well, but... It may be my best option, though. I could ask WH to leave, but somehow I just don't feel right about that at this point - maybe I need to get a backbone, but it just doesn't seem right since we don't have kids and he's paying for everything right now. I could also go to my brother's house, but I just don't want to be an imposition on them. My nephew will be home from college in about 2 weeks, so the spare room they now have will dry up soon. They have a very hectic lifestyle and they would gladly take me in, but it would be stressful on them. I also have a girlfriend I could stay with, but she is a bitter divorcee who hates my WH now. She doesn't realize it but she wears me out about her view of trying to work out a hopeless M.

I felt so weak tonight because I cried alot tonight. I told him some of my regrets and sadness about everything. I told him how insecure I feel and how I hate feeling that way. I know it's not attractive, but I was so surprised and hurt. I may be an idiot, but I didn't expect this. I don't think I expected him to say that he was ready to move forward and be enthusiastic about a move with me, but I didn't expect this.

Some of the other things WH said were so hurtful. He was just being honest, but it hurt so much to hear the truth. He wasn't being cruel - or at least it wasn't on purpose. I asked if he valued the effort I've put in to trying to recover our M and he said he did to a point. I asked if thought I was worth having (I know, really a pathetic question) and he said that when we first married he thought he was very lucky to get me. I said what about now and he said sometimes he thinks so. I told him how I felt like I'd been cheated out of a good sex life because first he wasn't willing to invest in a good sex life with me then he decided to go somewhere else and put in effort there. He actually said "We didn't have sex all the time." Was that supposed to make me feel better?

Okay, now I'm venting and rambling. I need to stop and work on that Plan B. The worst part is that I know deep in my heart that I do love this man. As broken as I am at his honesty about his feelings for me, I still want our M to work. This really bites.

I was just thinking about how I cried and was upset in WH's presence during his revelation that he can't picture our M working out. I know everyone says that you should not show WH such strong emotions, but I really want WH to know how I feel and how he's hurt me. He can't just walk away thinking that there's no collateral damage. He can't just believe that his decision isn't devastating to me. In my opinion, he needs to actually see the impact this is having on me.

My WH knows that I'm successful in my career and that I'm capable. He knows that I was single until I was 40 and that I can be on my own. I don't have to prove that to him by keeping a stiff upper lip. I also can prove that I'll be okay when I actually have to do it, even though he won't see it because he will be gone from my life.

So, what am I giving up by showing him how emotional I am? I wasn't hysterical, just very visibly upset.

Sorry this happened tonight. Actually I think it is a blessing in disguise. Keep working on getting a job. Then I suggest you move to wherever the job ends up being - hopefully not Vermont. Let hubby know you love him and admire him and are sorry for the way things worked out.

Then leave.

I think he will suddenly realize what an idiot he is being, and might snap out of it.

The job sit gives you an excuse to remove yourself from the triangle in a matter of fact way.

Thanks so much for responding, Believer. It's so late and I'm so frazzled and to get your kind words and logical response makes me feel like someone cares right this minute. I needed that more than I can express.

I hope he will realize that he has been wrong. He is a very stubborn man, but miracles do happen.

I think hubby is depressed, mainly because of his own choices. You have been a good wife, and done a good Plan A.

Now is the time to take excellent care of yourself. Find a good job, and move there. You have done well in protecting your finances. I would move regretfully, and on good terms. Just let him know that you NEED to work, and he has made his choice. Then GO.

I will be very surprised if THAT doesn't wake him up.

I think he has been living a second life. The OW (being such a disaster) probably makes him feel admired and needed. But that will get real old, real quick.

I think he NEEDS you more than you realize. So when you go off to your new job, it will leave a huge void.

This may sound silly, but I have a fear that when I'm out of his life he will just be relieved. I doubt he will think I was a witch, but I also think I'll fade into the past quickly. That really bothers me to think that I may have had such a small impact on his life.

Even if he doesn't come back, I want to be missed. I want him to see that he made a mistake in throwing me away. I'd like to know that I was important to him for more than the first half of our M.

And I do get it that none of this really matters if I never see him again. I also get it that I won't know any of his thoughts or feelings if he doesn't come back.

Well, if you weren't that important to him, then you are better off without him. But I think he will come around. I think he needs you more than you know.

I ended up divorced, but my ex wanted back. He changed back into the man I married, but it just took too long. Of course, I don't know if the changes would have lasted. I mostly avoid him, but he still drops over all the time to talk.

I think circumstances are lining up very well for you. It might not seem like it right now. But I can't see him making a life with the OW. Maybe he will find another woman who will put up with him, but most won't. And I think that inside he KNOWS it, and that is why he is depressed.

KLD,

I don't think you gave anything up by showing emotions to your WS.

I could be all wrong, but I get the hit that your WS has this 'knight in shining armor' thing going on, and it floats his boat. It could be an EN of his to be the rescuer, provider or whatever. I get the feeling that the ow is very needy, and somehow that works for your WS right now.

You are very strong and capable, and probably very independent, as you did wait until 40 for marriage, and this could be a reason that your WS thinks you will be okay. Maybe he feels that you don't need him. And ow does. Just my VHO.

At the same time, I believe you have shown him how much you do care about him, and you have been awesome. Do not feel bad that you have shown him your pain. He needs to see that. It's okay. You are WORTHY. Don't forget that. You deserve much better.

Perhaps another factor is your WS travels quite a bit for his job, and it has somehow caused a 'disconnect' within your relationship.

I have followed your posts from the beginning, and you really have done the right things.

I do believe that your WS does get a lot of EN's met by you. Why would he miss you or what you give when you have given it regardless? You have done a stellar plan A.

I know you are between a rock and a hard place with your job loss and the insecurity it is causing you at this time. It makes it difficult to Plan B, especially if you cannot afford the living situation you are in now.

But if it were me, and I could afford it, I would give him the boot, and go to Plan B. I think that when you quit fulfilling his EN's he will miss you more than you think. But don't put yourself in a situation that would stress you even more at this time, (ie. moving in with family).

I vote for Plan B. Time to focus on your healing, as this continued grief is very stressful for you.

((((((HUGS KLD)))))! Wishing you the best.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you to get back together. Is there still a chance there or are you truly done? Since he stops by all the time do you ever think about giving it another try?

I hope things can work out for WH to come to his senses. I don't see him with OW, either. He declared again tonight that he has had NC with her since Easter Sunday. I don't really believe that. He said also that he will not replace me with her. He went on to say that she is not the kind of person he would choose to spend his life with. This I do believe.

I know he is very depressed and I think it's a combination of everything causing it. He does feel guilty for his A and he has said several times that if he could redo things, he'd never make that choice.

I don't think he will find another woman to put up with him for long. I don't know if he will get married again or not. I tend to think he won't. If he does find someone else who will put up with him, it will probably be someone he doesn't really want.

No, don't want him back. The affair went on for almost 4 years, and ended just 2 weeks after our divorce was final. Sometimes they say an affair needs a marriage.

Anyway I met someone else.

My ex completely abandoned me and blew all of our retirement savings on the affair. It would just be too much to get over.

He is still alone, and kicking himself for his choices.

Miss M, thank you so much for your post. I think you've assessed things in my M very well. We have had trouble staying connected because of his travel. He is home all the time right now, but that's only because the project he's on is in ATL. That will be done in August or Sept.

Anyway, I do want to get on with Plan B. I absolutely can't do something that will stress me out more right now and trying to live on my own with no income would send me over the edge. My severence stops this week. After that I can get unemployment, but it won't be enough to support my expenses.

I'm considering maybe being gone from the house some at night when he comes home. He goes to bed no later than 10 and usually by 9 every night. Hopefully, I'll end up with a job soon and be able to do a real Plan B and be able to support myself again. I could go spend some time with my parents, but not move in with them. I have been making sure to stay home to continue to Plan A and also make it hard for him to make the 4 hour trip to OW. Those things probably don't matter so much now.

I also think WH is feeling like a savior to OW. He always admired my success and loved it that I was able to take care of myself. Imagine my surprise when I find out he's been doing so much for OW.

I remember now that the A stopped 2 weeks after your D. I think I would have punched him. Geez. I'm glad you've met someone else and I hope he's great to you. After all you've been through with a 4 year A, I guess he would have to be because you wouldn't put up with less.