I am debating as to whether or not to send him the link to this one as well- and if so, when. Or maybe I should just print it all out and ask him to read it with me. I dunno. Any thoughts here would be appreciated.
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At the very least email him this response from brokenhusband....

Just a quick note for right now...

Your past does not change the fact that today porn is an issue. It is his to own. He needs to find out why he can't live with out it. Not why you can't learn to accept it.

What is more important a happy wife and a good marriage or jerking off to a computer screen!

Go ahead and email him my post. Who knows it may have a positive impact.

As for letting him see this thread. It lets him see how you feel about the issue without having to hear what he "thinks" you are saying. Sometimes reading can be easier to accept then being told face to face. It can also be read over again to clarify a thought.

He already knows about the site from the other porn thread you sent him. If he chooses to look it won't take much for him to find your thread on his own. So telling him or not should not be a big deal. Are you comfortable with him reading your posts? To me that's the real ? that needs to be answered.

IMHO

Porns like drinking. Some people do. Some don't. Some can handle it, some can't.

Porn doesn't freak me out, but I DEFINATELY SEE how it can be destructive to marriage. It OKS SEX for sex sake. No love, no relationship, no nothing. And in turn it KINDOF ok's affairs. Like, go ahead, screw around, its ONLY sex!!!(Hasn't THAT been used a lot over the last decade)

But, somewhere it was posted that the husband REFUSED an ADVANCE from his wife (what a lucky dog, I'd like to slap him around a wee bit) and then she snagged him on the web watching porn and baking a cake?? NOW, that is a problem. I don't blame the wife for being upset. He has a FULL FLEDGED MONKEY ON HIS BACK. ANd it goes WAY BEYOND watching porno.

The answer to that is YES...and not completely.

I'm scared, too. It takes me awhile sometimes to build up the guts to actually do some things.....

Any more advice on this would be terrific!

Thanks for all your responses.

Porn is an addiction and therefore a double whammy in my opinion. Not only do you deal with the infidelity resemblance but now you have an addict on your hands.

The hard part about it is that because it is an addiction, it's not as easy as writing a no contact letter and coming out of the fog. Most people who are addicted to porn (like drugs) have done it for quite some time and will do what they have to do to get their fix.

I married a porn addict 6 years ago, didn't know he was one, he kept it hidden under the internet EA's that I dealt with for the first 3 years of our marriage.

Arm yourself with a COSA (Sexual Addiction) meeting or information just like Alanon for those married to alcoholics. And SA's are much harder to cure than straight EA's and PA's according to what I have read. Sorry to not sound hopeful, but I wouldn't listen to those telling me the same thing back in '02 til now when I kept crying about finding out "again".

So sad.....

Good luck and God Bless! Protect yourself, keep your dignity.

4BoW,

How are you holding up? Have you decided to show him your thread?

Hoping & praying all is well.

Greetings, BrokenH...

I am holding my own. Thank you. Though somewhat stressfully at times. My internet has been down since Thursday I've just gotten it back up this evening.

I've briefly read thru the latest posts--some have been VERY reassuring and very well stated, a few have been just personal attacks on one another: and I really wish that could be prevented... It's hard enough here, to ask for help- and try to sort out what is offered without having to also "listen" to the bickering of those others here who may disregard the sanctity intended of this forum. I try my best to state this in the most politically correct and least condemnatory manner....

As for showing him this thread- Yes, I do plan to. However, I have also dug up and kinda resurrected several- ok most all of my old posts regarding my relationship with him; I want to get it all in correct order and print it out all at once, so that we can sit down with it together and see where things have been, are currently and may be headed... I do also intend to give the links to the thread in hopes that he will continue reading future posts and replies. BH, I do sincerely appreciate your posted replies and candor. You seem rather educated on these matters...personal experience?

I'm certain that it won't happen this weekend-- his parents are here for a few days, and entertaining takes much time, and also kinda puts a hamper on us having quiet, uninterrupted time to talk.

My H and I did have a nice dinner out last nite- alone- before the parents got in, and both really enjoyed that time, too. The evening also offered up some much needed and very well recieved intimacies between us- in ways that had been lacking for some time. I am quite thankful for that, too.

Well- I will post more as I have time to and am able to read thru the other posts more thoroughly!

Have a great weekend- 4BOW

Yes, I have dealt with porn use for most of my life. Like most guys it started in my early teens and continued in hiding until about 14 months ago. I had one lapse on a buisness trip last May. I had been watching a movie and doing some IM'ing. When I finished chatting a movie had already started and I didn't even think to switch the channel. After that I made sure the TV was off.

My counselor went to the Pure Life live in counselig for 6 months. Afterwards he started counseling other men. Several books have been helpful. "At the Alter of Sexual Idolatry" by Steve Gallagher and the Every Man series from Steve Alterburn. I use the B-safe internet filter. I could stop using the filter now but will probably keep it because of the kids.

I actually stopped looking cold turkey before I read any of the books. I have no desire to look anymore. There may be days in the future where it is a temptation.

Another thing I do now is I don't watch network TV in the evenings let alone cable. Even commericials are designed to stimulate.

Enjoy the time with the family.

RE: Gabbagool:
Yeah--GG...That was probably MY post. and Yes-It hurts ...not just once-- but on many occasions he has refused.Often- it was due to fatigue from being over-worked, I can cope with that... But often-- I saw No real reason behind it at all...even when there wasn't porn involved... alltogether- there have been only 4 times in our relationship of 2+ years, that porn has (obviously- the times that I knew about it) been an issue.

Where do we go from here?

Brokenhusband...

thank you for your revealing reply. I appreciate that.

H and I have talked- once again, about the situation.
Tomorrow we have our 1st appt with a marriage counselor.

I am both nervous and anxious... He seems distanced from it all- but has agreed to go- for US, for our marriage. At least this is a step in the right direction. I have made every effort to be clear to him in my expectations, boundaries and feelings on the issue.
He says that he does see that our problem is a lack of trust, and that it was caused by his own actions. I did tell him that I am afraid of things repeating themselves...

I love him dearly- would never do anything in this world that would hurt him... So why does he do it to me- when he has stated to me that he never wants to hurt me?

I think that maybe we are on the same page now about how lying to spare hurt only creates MORE hurt and pain.

I asked him where he stands on his ability to keep things open and honest and not do things that he KNOWS will hurt me, us and our marriage...now- and for the future- he said it just depends on how determined he is. I told him that I think that THAT will be decided by HOW MUCH he wants our marriage, our life together and our love to survive- how much desire he has to be happy, to have me and a strong relationship with me, and ultimately me in his life..

I know I am not phrasing this verbatim... but perhaps you can ge the jist of our conversation.

I have decided to get him in on this thread- and all the others. I need to - part of my H&O with him, I guess- though I have never hidden it- I have emailed him the website link and even the links to the post regarding "the impact of porn in marriage"--though I don't think he read any of it- or at best he read very little of it.

I printed out the Basic Concepts,Identifying Love Busters, the Emotional Needs ?-aire, and an article that I found in REDBOOK titled "8 things no one tells you about marriage". He said that he had read SOME of the stuff I gave him... I have asked him to read thru more of it- perhaps even go over it WITH ME, so that we can see what items we can apply to our marriage together... He said maybe. I printed these out on 08/27/2007.... But I never pushed the issue. Now- I feel we NEED it... We have to start somewhere.

I filled out my EN questionaire-- dated August 2007... I plan to fill out another one--in the immediate future--WITHOUT looking at my previous answers-- and sit down with him and go over it- together. I have also kept a very detailed- if somewhat irregular- journal on my feelings and what has been going on with us, in my life in general. I also want to give him copies of that. There are even a few letters that I wrote ti him-- but never gave-- I want to give him those as well...

I am hoping that he will at least finish reviewing the basic concepts/love busters/and look at the info on the EN questionaire... and I truly hope that he will read all the posts from the links I am going to send him from here...

So...here we are. Our 1st Marriage Counseling appt is tomorrow evening. We have to make it to that one... It means so very much to me-- it will SHOW me that he is sincere in wanting to rebuild and better our relationship. I desperately need that from him.

I want to send him the links in a well prepared letter (email)...
but I don't have time to complete that tonite... Perhaps I can use my lunch hour tomorrow to compose it....

Tomorrow is going to be a VERY hectic and busy day at work, so I guess I should get to bed and try to get some rest...something I have been severely lacking for sometime... My nerves and emotions will simply not allow sleep to come easily- nor remain peacefully when it does come. Depression, sadness, anxiety, panic attacks- fear...I've seen them all- and still do.... I hope and pray that we can get thru this and move on to a better place- where all these negative emotions and things can be put aside for brighter things.

In hope.....
4 betterorWorse
4Myself....
and ultimately--FOR "US"

okay... I did it. I didn't wait to compose the perfect letter...I just did it. I emailed him the link to this thread with the following email:


Let's hope it goes well.

Your welcome. It is not easy to write out about my past, so in a way it was theraputic for me as well. I would say that most men feel shame over there secret lives and none of us like that. Once we get past that then the changes become more comfortable and we like who we are.

I will be praying for you both as you go to your first session tonight. I would suggest taking your journal as well as copies of your posts here at MB.

Is your MC pro-marriage or just getting you both to come to a compromise and avoid conflict? There are diffenantly some areas of marriage that can be negotiated. NC with either another person or the images of them is not.

Be looking closely. I would wager a bet that he may try and find other ways to get his fix. He may say he has stopped looking but has really become even more secretive. Watch how he looks at other women while you are out together. Even watching a "R" rated film can be enough. That is one of the reasons I don't watch them anymore. The mind is very good at filling in the blanks. Sometimes all it needs is something to help start it off.

You will know there has been real change when his attitude and behavior changes. His internet usage will become open to you. He will no longer quickly change screens when you enter the room. He should want you to feel safe and do what ever he can to provide that safety to you.

If he wants to join MB as well I would be more than happy to post with him and help him overcome his addiction. There are many people on this board who have hurt there spouses or been hurt by the use of porn. I doubt there will be a shortage of people willing to help him if he is willing to accept it.

Well- He did read the post and replies. We did go to see the counselor. We are making progress. Said he read it a couple of weeks ago...... maybe the other thread? (Impact of porn in marriage)

Dunno... Just glad to be moving amicably forward.


The MC seemed more like a divorce negotiator! Neither of us was very impressed nor comfortable with him. We will seek out a different MC- one who IS pro marriage and that we are BOTH comfortable with.



and the reasoning behind this?..... I usually do watch him to see how he looks at/responds to other women... can't say that I have ever felt uncomfortable with him there in any way.

As for the secretiveness increasing? Maybe- anything is possible. BUT- he has not "sworn" to me nor made any "guarantees" about staying away from it 100% now and forever...IF he did-- then, no I would not trust that- but he has promised to do the very best he can to learn to avoid the porn; and has asked me to help him. I trust that alot more... and yes- I realize there MAY be relapses/backslides...but we have discussed this- and agreed that he will tell me if it happens, and I will try to be more calm and supportive of him in the process.

The last thing either of us wants is a divorce... We have way too much good in our relationship to let this one (however, major) issue destroy us.

I agree that looking for a new MC would be a good idea. Have you looked at the pricing for the Harley's. I don't know if they take insurance.

I suggested keeping a eye on who he looks at because he may try and catch glances of women in public to give him a mental high like he got from looking at the computer. Unless he wants to really stop his addiction to sexuality outside of you than he may try and find other ways.

Looking at women is something that I would do when I couldn't look at a computer. Even looking at fully clothed women can be a turn on. He could always be undressing them in his mind to fullfill the fantasy he had from porn.

BH-

I appreciate your POV... but I honestly don't "think" that looking at other women is/may be an issue... I don't think that the ""thrill"" is there in such a way... but then again- I am not in his head- so I cannot say anything for certain.

From what he's told me- it was stress (usually work related) and fatigue (?) that usually triggered the porn-- a ""quick and easy high- rush of endorphins""-- stress relief... I'm not sure if he meant just from the looking at the porn-- or from the orgasm associated with MB'ing to the porn- and/or either/both. Something I will clarify (hopefully) with him, personally.

Then there is also the "every one else looks at it all the time" thing- and yes- I do realize that very well is pretty true- therefore--another prompt, is peer pressure and the constant ready availability of the porn in the workplace (out in the middle of BFE- on oil & gas rigs, etc)... Unfortunate- but so true...

So far- he seems to have gotten a little more comfortable talking with me on the subject... and there are definately more questions that I have- and want answers to... just trying to figure out how and when to ask them is my issue.

It may not ever become an issue for him. It also depends on your feeling on it. I was pointing it out from my own past and from those I know who have also worked at overcoming porn usage.

Hopefully he will keep talking openly to you. Keep asking direct questions. Just because everyone else at work is looking doesn't mean he needs to.

I plan to- and yes- i hope it won't ever become an issue


how many times have I said that one?

anyway- tomorrow I call to cancel the 2nd appt with the counselor; I intend to fully explain my reasoning behind as well. HE needs to know why he is losing clients, as well.

In giving alot of thought lately, to the events and general situation of things... I have decided to discontinue my posts regarding this subject.

It seems that I have been getting way too much negativity from all angles. I need good, positive support...ways to find the best and work towards the best in my M-- not more and more ways to "find out" things, etc. I want to work on things in a very positive way- I want to look for GOOD things to do, to have, to share to build upon in my M..... I'm done with all of the suggestions of Bad things to look out for--- it seems to be corrupting the very heart of what I came here for- my faith in myself and in my Husband- and our marriage. I cannot continue in good faith to allow all this negativity to consume me. i need--and will look only for the positive ways my H and I can work TOGETHER to improve our marriage.

Thank you all for your time, I wish everyone only the best that life has to offer. And maybe- just maybe- if we were to spend as much time WITH OUR SPOUSES as we do on this forum-- more and more
things might actually start coming about in positive ways....

What seemed to me like a great place to find solace, support and help- has become place of dark, negative energy for me-- and i am certain my negative feelings and aura are well spread thru-out my relationship with my H and the rest of my family...I am sure that there many others as well who shre my views...-- and this negativity can have as bad a affect on a relationship as any porn, affairs, or other marital troubles.

Again- my best wishes to all those who truly find what they are looking for here....I hope you continue to find what you need. I am going to start using my time and energy on working on my M with my H....

If any negativity caused you to leave than I am very sorry. It is not hopeless that your husband will stop looking at porn. My posts were written the way I did because at the time he had not said that he would stop looking. He has ageed to MC that is a huge step. He has seen that this is something that bothers you and is causing your love bank balance to lower.

It is very diificult to get the 15 hours or more with ours spouse and still post here. It does take a lot of time. So I understand. My W and I have both recently cut back on our posting because it was taking away from our time as a family.

If you ever decide to come back to posting someone will be here to listen and give you support and advice. I wish you the best of luck on your journey towards a great marriage.