Hi everyone, I've lurked here for quite awhile now. It's time...I've read SOA and many others.
Been married 20 yrs, have 4 children. The last couple years we had allowed distance, although we still spent hours talking and considered each other our best friend.Been pretty happy til my WHs affair. DDay 4-07 He is a big time cake eater! We have always told each other every thing. We were best friends so I have a hard time accepting that this is not my husband. He does things that blow me away. Because of that I really struggle with plan A. I can only bite my tongue for a few days then I explode.
How does everyone else ignore the OW texting or calling? We had agreed she wouldn't text or call when he was home, but he started letting that slip a couple months ago. His explanation is that he never said anything to me when I (without knowing where he was!) was calling while he was at her house. He would just lie & tell her he would "get on to me" therefore, he can't very well "get on to her" for doing the same thing. She thinks we share a house, but are not together.
Last weekend I found him coming in from having called her at 2 am. I flipped told him to get out. Can't do it anymore. He leaves. Shows up the next day, wants to come home. I haven't let him back in my bed but he insists on being in the bedroom. After a non eventful week, tonight he informs me that he is going out for a while. I tell him not to go unless he's 100% sure he wants a divorce. He says he's going. I say "Ok, so you don't want to be married" he says, "No, YOU said that, not me" He then says it's over, he didn't intend that to happen but I keep pushing him.
Tells me he's coming back afterwards if I'll let him. I asked if he really thought he could go out on a date and come back home. He said yes. He calls me while he's driving to meet her.Says he isn't positive he's meeting her, might. Didn't intend to, but I drove hime to it.Says he has to go, needs to calm down & promises he will call me back. Texts in a few minutes to say he'd call in a bit. Then says he's going to sit down & have a few drinks. I text back "with her?" He replies I'm going to get a drink.
So odd, I had just decided today that my lease was up the end of June, I know he will be transferred at that point so I was going to Plan A my A** off til May 30 and then go cold, hard Plan B.
Now I'm thinking I shouldn't?
What do I do when he comes back home? Help me!!

Basically, I would ask him to move out. That is going to be a hard one, because why should he? He has it made, a nice wife at home and an OW who he can "date". He is quite comfortable disrespecting you and the marriage.

Do you have any children together?

The affair has been going on a year which is way too long to attempt Plan A. Plan B is the next step.

Are you financially secure?

Have you exposed his Affair to anyone? And when I say anyone I mean EVEYONE?

Yes, we have 3 children still at home. They know. Financial security- that's where it gets sticky. When the mess started we worked out a deal. He's was screwing around, I wanted a divorce. That's what you're supposed to do, right? Ha Ha. He wanted to work things out. No more talk of D.
Several months of "I know it would never work with OW, I'm going to stop. Just be patient.Last month he TEXTS me to say, he's not been a good husband blah blah blah. It's over. I say, OK, let's get these papers signed. We agree to meet, have this REALLY bizarre dinner where I get the impression he is flirting with me. We go back to the house where he says things like "do you want me to stay or not?" I get ticked and tell him not if he's going to have a girlfriend. It gets ugly, he leaves. Comes back the next day. He want's to work it out. Tonight he told me he'd leave if we "got the numbers right" He wants to pay less alimony. We flip flop between that & "I know you have to have that to live, I have no choice"
I would depend on his alimony & child support to live. Would he leave me penniless? No, but at the same time- I know WS can't be trusted. I left my job to move across country for his. 1000 miles from family, totally stuck with him til my girls are out of school. I got a part time job just to get out of the house after this started. I don't want a divorce but I won't live as part of a threesome either.

Yes, I've exposed to all. She left her job. Actually, she was let go but it wasn't for the affair. She was stealing. Nice, huh?
Her family knows, but it isn't a problem for them. Sort of what they do. In fact, one of her family members works for WH & is in the middle of a work place affair right now. WH is furious with them. Can't believe how stupid they are being. Came home Monday and said the affair couple was out of store 'til 6 pm. He asked me "What do YOU think they were doing?" I responded probably the same thing you & homewrecker were doing. When it's someone else he's sees it just like we would. I guess those rules don't apply to him.

I would see an attorney to make sure there are financial requirements in place. Because often the WS DOESN'T pay. They are more interested in keeping their affair going.

If you let the status quo go, he will continue cake eating. He knows it is wrong to leave his family to go out on a date. And I don't buy his whole story about just driving, just getting a drink, blah, blah, blah. He knew he was hooking up with the OW.

It is very unhealthy to let this continue on. You may end up LB'ing and hating him.

Where is he getting transferred to? Far away, I hope.

I did get the name of an attorney from a co-worker but I'm not really sure how reliable a source she is.

I believe OW makes it a point to be in the town we live in on Saturday nights. A couple weeks ago when they were on the outs he told me that. Showed me where she would be, etc. I know she has texted a few times & asked him to call her before 9. He said that meant she'd be here at 9, their signal. She's texted before & said she would be in town if he decided to see her. She lives an hour & a half away so it's not accidental.

His transfer will either put him a few hundred miles east of here or couple thousand miles west. (Arizona) Either way, I would probably go back home to my family. Although he has always said even if it didn't work out between us, he would want me to move with him when he transfers. Weird, don't you think??

I told him today that I thought it was so strange that he talks about "our move" and plans "our vacation". I ask why he thinks I would move further away from my family to be with a cheater? I suppose he believes I'll put up with whatever he dishes out. He's gotten away with it this long.

Gosh, let's hope for Arizona. The part about him being transferred just sunk in. That is very good. That will probably end the affair.

Do you think you can do this for a couple more months?

I would go ahead and move with him when he goes. The Harleys always say moving away from the OP is the best option.

Really? Go with? That was my instinct and I'm usually very good at reading people and just knowing what's up. But, we've always talked to each other about everything and I've lost my sounding board. So, I sometimes wonder if my instincts are right.

A couple months after D day I forced him to leave. I recently found out that he moved in with her and her 3 YOUNG children. She had left her husband 2 weeks earlier. Apparently fantasyland was not all that great in person. Since then he's stated without hesitation that he knows it would never work with her. But, we seem to be in a cycle where he is sort of toying with the idea.

I feel like I REALLY need to put together one KICKA** plan A. All in, you know? Last ditch. My problem is I'm a talker, always have been & I have no one to vent to. I eventually boil over. Anyone want to hold my hand?? <grins> I promise I'll be a good student. I think if I could vent, I could keep it together.

He half way went through the EN worksheet.
I know family life, apparently I've discover recently- clean socks is a biggy! Ha Ha
SF- which I assume is coming from somewhere else
Attractive Spouse- I had gained alot of weight in the past couple years. I'm a sz 5 again, working on a 3. Make sure I'm dressed cute, hair fixed all that. He's never even commented.
Recreational companionship- We coached our DDs teams together and spent ALOT of time together. Haven't had that since we moved. Also talked several hours a day on the phone.
Admiration- He denies this-but trust me!!! I know that in the past couple years I've fallen down on the job here & she's young & dumb. Thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread.
Financial Support- I've always worked. Although he says he would like for me to stay home and take care of family.
I can't figure out what EN I'm meeting. He continues to want to go out for dinner & drinks, etc. So, I think I'm entertainment. Maybe he enjoys "grown up conversation"? She's not the brightest bulb in the box. I know she's apparently lots of fun and he's admitted that he wishes he could be more like her. Makes him feel like a bad boy. She's only 25 and although not real attractive, is pretty brash. Extremely flirty and forward.

As far as LBs, he's flat out told me I talk too much. Actually, it's really talking too much about his affair.
When it first started he muttered alot about no one listening to him or doing what he told them. I think we've handled that one.
He's always said I'm the smartest person he knows and has actually called or texted for advice on a business matter while he is with OW. You can imagine how that goes over.
I'm trying to lay off the AO & DJ but jeez-

If I have a place to vent I think I can pull off a couple months. Please help me put together a Plan A.
So, it's 2:30 he's obviously not coming home tonight. Looks like I just paid for another hotel room Good think for that company discount.

So, when he shows up tomorrow- trust me- he will. Do I act like nothing happened? That will throw him for a loop. My thought, if the plan is not to just ignore him & not let him in- is not even acknowledge that he wasn't here. Just go about my business & be pleasant. Is that acceptable or is that just saying- hey come & go as you please! Do I say anything at all? Just let the cake extravaganza continue basically?? If he brings up D just tell him I'm not interested, right?

I think I should really work on meeting all his ENs. For some reason I got it in my head that I couldn't meet the one's OW was meeting. DUH, just realized it sets up the situation. I'll have to come up with another way to make him feel like he's being a rebel. I don't have the trashy broad thing in me. And he's admitted he would die if I behaved the way she did.
Not LBing will probably go along way.

How old are your kids? How much of this do they know, see, understand?

I have D18, graduates from HS this month, twin DD14. I kept it from them as long as I could. D18 has those instincts & she's known almost from the beginning, I believe. She knew before me & finally said "somethings up, mom."

DD14 had been told dad wasn't happy & wanted a divorce. When he decided he wanted to work it out I told him my biggest concern was how cruel it would be to let everyone think it was going to be OK and then pull the rug out later. He swore that wouldn't happen. Because of his overnighters and various phone calls, they knew but he wouldn't admit it. He thinks no one knows because they are really careful. 03/08 he was planning on going home to visit his mother. I really didn't want to spend the weekend with him, but the girls were going. He got ticked off at me & called to tell me he had decided to "take someone with me" & ask what I thought about that. I said "the girls will be disappointed, but they'll get over it. You go ahead" He got huffy, "they are my kids too. I should have the right to take them. This is part of my life. Yada yada yada"
I said the girls wouldn't wont to spend 18 hours in a car with his affair partner & even if they did- he was just going to slide her into bed in front of his elderly mother? What would the girls think about that??
He said no one would mind. That he felt like it was a good way to announce the end of our marriage. He thought they would see how things went with the girls if they seemed receptive then he (they) would explain the sitch to them. I said I would speak to the girls & if they agreed, they could go. Of course, they didn't want to go. I wound up going just to be sure they weren't put in that sitch. I don't really think he would have done that. He's passive aggressive & occasionally he throws down something outrageous like that. Later, he'll say "Oh, I was teasing." or something similar. I've seen him call or text OW and go to the point of saying "it's over, move on. I'm home with my wife. We're going to work it out" They will go back & forth like that. Then he'll stop talking to her for a couple days. He told me yesterday that when she pushes too hard (what he said I was doing) he says awful things & ends it. Then in a couple days he calms down & goes back.

To deal with a cake eater, you take away their cake.

You get a lawyer, you document all the times that WS stays out all night, and you file for legal separation. You get primary custody of the children, the house, spousal and child support taken directly from his check. You go to plan B and have no contact with him whatsoever until he ends his affair and agrees to your plan B conditions. The time for plan A is over. You've been dealing with this for too long. Plan A will not work. It's time for plan B.

He knows that it will never work with OW. Now he needs to learn that it will never work WITHOUT you and the kids.

I saw your previous post. The children need to be told EVERYTHING and also need to be taught that your WH's behavior is wrong and they should never do that to their future spouses. If you accept it, they might just think it is okay.

Also, it is obvious that your WH has no respect for you and isn't worried about losing you because he thinks that you'll never go through with it. He also might think that even if you do go through with it, you will always be friends. Filing for legal separation and going to plan B will shake him.

The affair surfaced 3-4 weeks ago, so you are fairly new to this horror show. Have patience while you get help to organize a plan. The first part of your plan is to outline your objectives. The NUMBER ONE question that you must ask yourself is, “Do I want to remain married to this man?”

From the gist of your posts it seems that the answer may be “yes” but I might just caution you to examine that “yes” to see if it is the financial support that is important or perhaps a father figure for your children, etc. Perhaps the man is not as important as the supplementary benefits that he brings to the marriage. Take a good, hard, honest look at this question.

No matter the answer, attorney consultation is an absolute must for you. You must at least establish what your legal options might yield. So go find one tomorrow and set a meeting ASAP. You will become surprised at the empowerment that a decent attorney can provide you. You can take steps to insure that your husband does not squander the family savings on his girlfriend.

Cake eating spouse affairs are the easiest to destroy. You see, your husband just can’t decide where the grass is greener. He is more than happy to share his presence with his girlfriend and you and he will continue until some major event causes him to pick. I see you have already exposed and that has put some pressure on the affair even if the effects are no so obvious; the kitchen is heating up.

Plan A is ALWAYS in order. When is it NOT important to be generous, giving and sensitive, to your husband or anyone else? In my mind Plan A is a plan for lifetime and a noble way to live your life. It is understandably much more difficult to be sensitive to your husband’s emotional needs in the face of the destructive behavior that he is currently perpetuating on his family but nevertheless, the “high road” will never fail you. I know that is easier said than done especially when it is YOU doing all the “giving” and him doing all the “taking”.

I would also make sure that he understands that you do not condone nor give him permission to engage in his affair activity. The decisions he makes with regard to his affair are HIS choices alone and you will offer no support. This may seem obvious but it is important that he understand where you stand without confusion or mixed messages. His affair choices belong to him and him alone, you are in no way responsible for those choices. You have read the MB site so you know that sometimes good people make bad choices. It is not unreasonable to offer him a second chance although you are perfectly in your right to drop him like a hot potato if that is your choice. No one will blame you.

Incidentally, I greatly admire the changes you are making for yourself. They will serve you in more ways than you can imagine regardless if you stay with your husband.

I’ve seen a lot folks come and go through these forums through the years and I believe that you are going to be fine.

Mr. G

Mr G-
It has been a year! 04/07- I see the grass is greener thing. He totally admits that. It would be much easier to take my girls & go home. I have family & I would be fine financially even though at this time we live on 95% his income. My PT job pays for my & the girls extras. I left my job to move but I am capable of supporting myself and he would have to pay some sort of support. I've always said even if I had to live in my sister's garage, I'll be OK. Although in the past he was a fantastic father- as we all know- that's not the case now. So that ship has pretty much sailed. I truly love him & know that he used to love me too! He is in the midst of a MLC. So he's a mess, obviously.

So how do you convey that you don't condone or give permission without LBing? I've said that I can't control him, that it's his deal, not mine. But I will not accept overnighters or her calling here. He's like a 2 yo now. If I say "Please don't see her" he stomps his feet, says "now I'm mad!", sticks out his lower lip and stomps out. (I'm actually not far off on this!) When he comes back he says I make him do things he doesn't want to do & that he tells himself he won't leave unless he's sure he's not coming back. But then I push him & he acts before he thinks. Then, when he calms downs he knows it's a mistake. What a bunch of crap. He does whatever he wants then says whatever he has to. I'm getting ticked just thinking about it. Ha Ha Ha

My gut is to draw the line, short & sweet. No more overnight, no phone call. Won't discuss anymore til she's gone. Be pleasant, plan A, lay off the DJ & AO. If, or when he crosses it, quietly & calmly go dark. I want to go Plan B on a positive. Is that even possible? You know, pleasant memory, not big, nasty fight?

PLAN B, PLAN B, PLAN B!

Be sure to check with an attorney about the divorce laws in the state you are in now. You might be better off filing there, rather than waiting until you move to another state.

I think hubby is doing what he is doing because he knows he can. You depend on him for support, so he just does whatever he wants.

Plan A would be very difficult with him contacting the OW from your home. And the whole dating thing is bad.

Would he move out if you asked him to?

Hi Cleo,

I think you're doing well!


Yes, and no. BSs are subject to a similar fog that WSs can be. Do NOT make this decision based on your emotions, because they alone will lie to you...especially in this extremely difficult situation.

THere are days when I feel very much like not being married to my WW...but it passes.

It sounds like you are clear on this, and that's good.

You've been here for awhile, so you've no doubt seen Pepperband's Carrot and Stick of Plan A ( Pep's Carrot and Stick). It sounds as though you are familiar w/ the Stick...don't forget the carrot!!

L2F

You sound like your head is on straight and you know the reality of this situation. Someone has to be "with it" if only for the kids, right?
I snapped my cake eatter out of his delusion by changing the locks 3 days after he moved to his father's house and I announced that HE was not worth killing myself over and altho I had no say over how much he saw OW while he and I were separated, I hoped he realized it was a 2-way street and I had a right to find someone to love me too. Two days later he begged to come home. He later told me he never thought I would be strong enough to change the locks or make the statements I made. He didn't think I had it in me.
These MLC really suck!
Stay strong thru your battle!