That's what I've been trying to do. I've asked him for no contact. Can I just take that back? I don't know what to do. I just want him to see that he does need me and need to speak with me. This girl is 19 and not exactly philosophical. My husband and I would have discussions about the Mayans and their thoughts on 12/22/2012, we would have discussions on the universe, other dimensions, we could talk about anything together and I always thought that was one of the reasons why he married me (I am older than he is). Now, I don't know. He's saying that we shouldn't have married in the first place, that he shouldn't have had to work so hard to make me love him, that we should have split up when we had troubles before. Why is saying all of this now? And if he was so unhappy for so long, how could I not have known it?

Ayane, it's called rewriting marital history. Almost all WS do this in order to make themselves feel better about what they are doing. I remember at one point during my husband's affair, he got right up in my face and screamed, I NEVER loved you. (We had been married for 25 years at that point and had four children.) I was devastated but I didn't know that this is typical behavior. I didn't know about MB. You're very fortunate that you have found MB.

You have to learn not to take things that a wayward says to heart. It's not your husband speaking. It's your wayward spouse. If you can get this, it will make a tremendous difference in your outlook about things.

It makes no difference what he says at this point, what counts are his actions... and even those are going to be goofy at times.

Stick around, listen and learn. You will survive this.

By the way, my marriage is happily recovered. There are many here that can say the same.

Since you like philosophical discussions, why not try to figure out why a heroin addict will slam his whole paycheck, and leave his family without food?

When you figure that one out, you can then figure out why your hubby acts like he does.

Congratulations, princessmeggy! I'm glad to hear that about your marriage.

So, I just need to remind myself that this really isn't the man that I married, it really isn't my husband. He isn't acting like himself because he isn't himself. That does make sense. And it helps to clarify things.

Believer - I would say that a herion addict does that because he is addicted to the junk and cannot help himself, no matter what his head tells him. But, to think that my husband is addicted to this other person makes me physically ill. It makes me see him in a different, less flattering light. It makes me see him as weak. I don't know. But, I understand what you are saying.

I've seen thousands of stories here where the WS changes completely, into a different person almost. But when the affair is over, they change right back, almost like magic. So hang in there, get a plan, and fight for your marriage.

Thank you so much believer, you are giving me hope. But, I don't know how to fight for my marriage when he is so set on not being with me, not loving me, etc. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions, anyone? I'm just tired of all the ugliness and I don't want to make it okay for him to do this to our family.

This is the second day that we've had no contact. He is staying with the OW at night, but goes to his parents for clothing and to shower, etc. They live a couple blocks away from me, so it's weird. Luckily, the OW is set to move about 1.5 hours away sometime this week. I know that she works with him and today is her last day on the schedule and she is moving back in with her parents. I hope she goes soon. Maybe that will snap him out of the fog that he has been in. I don't know.

I'm just missing him, I guess. I feel very lonely and I miss my best friend. We talked at least every couple of hours daily until he left, so this is all very strange to me.

Her moving may help, or maybe they will just have a long distance relationship. But it won't be quite so convenient for them.

You need to read all of the things here and work on changing YOU, since that is the only thing you have control of.

Try to figure out what his top emotional needs are and see if you can meet them. Usually men's are admiration, and sex. But I would for sure lay off the sex for your baby's protection. Also I would get tested for STDs ASAP.

You're right. I can't worry about what he is doing and not doing. All I can work on is myself. Today I've been out job hunting and looking for baby stuff. I plan to clear some clutter from my house this evening or tomorrow.

My DD (the oldest) is acting out. She is back talking and every time I tell her something she has a smart answer. I know that she is upset and angry, and I know that she only has me and her sisters to take it out on since he is gone, but it's making the tension in our house even more unbearable. Maybe I need to set up an appointment for her with a counselor. I can't handle her acting this way.

Counseling is a good idea. She is young and her whole world is falling apart. Show her that you are there for her and will come along side of her. Let her know that you won't tolerate disrespect and will do what it takes to have a happy family.

This is simple, but not easy. Stand for your family.

They are the most important. What are the statistics of the WH returning? Are there are statistics? I want to believe that we will work this out, but I don't want to get my hopes up.

Statistics say that 97% of affairs end and the WS goes back to the family. Of the 3% that lead to marriage, 75% end in divorce within 5 years.

That makes me feel a little better. I guess I am just afraid that I will be wasting my time.

On a good note - I've have been praying a lot lately and forgiving those who have done wrong to me (including my WH and the OW). Today I received a phone call from my ex (the father of my oldest two girls) and he apologized for everything that he did to me in our relationship and later on. It was wonderful! It's strange though. He and his W are S and she told him that she loved him, but she wasn't in love with him. Same thing I heard. I wonder if she has another man in the wings.

Grrr my WH makes me so angry! Our oldest two have been trying to call him for hours and he wouldn't answer their calls and now he has turned his phone off. WTF? Why can't he talk to them? This makes me very angry. He was always such a good dad, too. I don't get it.

He can't talk to them because he is probably busy with the OW. He doesn't want to ruin the fantasy of him being loose and free. And he probably feels guilty too.

If it were me, I'd keep the kids busy doing something else.

I've found that if I call my WW and she's with the OM she wont answer the phone. She'll call me as soon as she's not in the presence of the OM... Probably because she's made up so many lies to me and the OM that she can't keep them straight.

Just my opinion.

Well he finally called them back. Oldest DD talked to him and said he sounded quiet and down. SHe asked him if he was okay and he said, "no not really, but thanks for asking". I figured it was because the OW is leaving soon or maybe he is missing the girls, I don't know...probably the former. If he really missed them he would have answered their calls.

Your probably right, Amazin. But it's sad that he can't talk to his children around her. Especially if he actually thinks he can make something with her.

He's addicted to the affair... And part of that addiction is the secrecy that surrounds it... He's perpetuating the secrecy and feeding on his addiction by avoiding you and his children when he's with her.


Does that make sense?

Yes, it makes a lot of sense. You guys have been so helpful and wonderful here. Thank you so much for reading and replying to my babble.

I hope that the OW is moving today. Her last day at work was yesterday and she has plans to go back to stay with her parents. It's not like she can tell them "Hey Mom and Dad, I met this way cool guy and I want to stay here in town for awhile. BTW, he's married!" Of course, that doesn't mean that she will be out of my life but at least she will be a little further away.