My MIL had a LTA with a coworker that I believe ended some time ago (at least the PA). This is something that my H and his siblings had suspected growing up though it was never spoken about openly. (My MIL did confess it to me one night a while ago so I know that it is true.)

I don't know what FIL knows, but I am certain he must at least suspect. The OM's name has come up numerous times over the years as OM and MIL are still, er, friends, and FIL doesn't say anything.

After my H's EA was exposed, I received a TON of support from M&FIL. I am very close to them and they were really there for me. Since my d-day, my MIL has not brought up OM's name, probably knowing how sensitive I would be to that especially since it is very clear how anti-A I am.

However, now that about six months has passed, she brought up OM's name about two weeks ago, very casually, and then yesterday mentioned how they had gone out to do something together (related to a charity they have worked on together for years).

I am really struggling with this. I think this is especially disrespectful to FIL, obviously as I now relate to him as a BS, and it pains me b/c he is like a father to me.

Also it is very clear to me now how painful knowing about the A growing up was for my H. After we started working on R, my MIL wanted my H to speak to her privately and he avoided her. When I pressed him on why he was avoiding her, he had a very emotional outburst, saying that he knew she wanted to talk about her A and he didn't want to hear it.

I would love to say that I could educate MIL on A's, how painful they are, NC for life, but I have actually already talked to her about all of these concepts and that's why I'm stunned that this is going on. Any advice?

You could privately ask your MIL if she ever disclosed the A to your FIL.

Sure - but it won't be easy ....

What is OM's home situation?
married?

Ask your H if he is willing to expose the long term A to OM's wife .... it's his mother, not yours.

affairs suck !

Pep

Good advice. Don't assume that your FIL doesn't know.

If MIL says that she has never told him, DO NOT reveal it to him yourself.

Talk with your husband about it, and if it's necessary, cut off all contact with your MIL. I know that sounds hard, but SHE made the mess and SHE needs to "clean it up."

How would YOU feel if your husband "played" at being your husband when in reality he had had an affair and was STILL in contact with the person who had NO respect for YOUR marriage?

That's the position your FIL is in.

Do NOT give "silent assent" for her affair and ongoing "friendly relationship" with her OM. Do NOT be an "enabler" for her continued EA (assuming a PA really has stopped). Do not "do nothing." Cut off all contact with her if she will not confess to her husband. When HE asks, and he will, WHY you are no longer having any contact with HIS wife, tell him that he needs to ask his wife that question.

Yes, it WILL precipitate exposure and yes it might have "dire consequences." That's why I think your MIL needs to confess rather have you "rat her out." Cutting off contact with until she confesses WILL put a "Time Clock" on her opportunity to confess rather than to have her husband "discover" the affair and the truth about this "friend" of his wife's.

THEIR marriage is THEIR marriage, just like your marriage is your marriage.

Adultery DOES have consequences, and none of them are "pretty."

Just don't get put in the position of "knowing about it" but "did nothing about it."

The PREMISE of marriage is to LEAVE and CLEAVE. Your need right now is protect YOUR marriage, and she is an ongoing threat to that so long as she doesn't "own up" to the idiocy of her own choices.

Good luck.

your FIL should be told the truth. The MIL should not be given opportunity to put a spin on things. Telling the truth is always the way to go.

How do you know the PA has ended? The adultress told you it ended? And, why should you believe her?

Pep

Thanks for the responses.

I believe FIL does know but is/was in denial about it...based on what my H has told me.

I really do believe the PA has ended, but clearly, I can't know that for sure. Yes, that is what she had told me when she confessed...that it had been going on while the kids were growing up and things were really bad between her and FIL.

I at one time encouraged my H to talk to his mom about how wrong the A was and to end all contact. He is extremely PA so you can guess what his response was. He is a major conflict avoider and since d-day has had some counseling to help him open up and not have so much stress when communicating.

Exposure, etc, is not really something I can do without my H being on board or I will risk problems in my own M. I really need to think about this. I will show this thread to my H and get his feedback but I am certain he will not want anything to do with confrontation, exposure, etc.

Just to give a little more background...my SIL was involved in an affairage(now ending in D) and my BIL also had an EA about two years ago. My attempts to educate the family on affairs has kind of backfired on me since I have been labeled as "dwelling on the past" and "oversaturated" on this topic. Args!

Thisbitterpill,

That's a tough one, but at least the situation makes your H uncomfortable. That's a good thing IMO. If he was able to lightheartedly yuck it up with your MIL about her A, I'd be concerned.

My FWW has a sister who cheated on her H, took her 2 kids and left, and has been "dating" her AP ever since. The divorce is nearly final.

My W talks to her on the phone 2-3 times per week, and has been making a conscious effort to get "closer" to her since before we knew about the A. Those efforts continue now. They'll talk for hours on end, happily chatting away the whole time. Suuposedly, they don't discuss As and relationships much...mostly idle chit-chat. It bothers me that my W can even speak to her without triggering, as her OM does come up in conversation from time to time. I've told her this, but "It's her sister!"

She asks me what she is supposed to do about it. My suggestion is to cut off contact with her until she dumps OM, and for that I am a ridiculous, controlling a-hole.

maintaining a relationship with someone in an affair shows a lack of character IMHO. Failing to tell the BS...no matter who the WS is and no matter her relation to family..also shows a lack of character.

Cheaters are enabled by such behaviors. Every WS should be "outed" by any and everyone that knows of the affair. Period.

As I said, I believe my FIL does know. For example, during the A my FIL found hotel room charges and they had a big fight about it.

I am struggling with the right thing to do, and I believe this is something I need to work out with my H. I mean, isn't that what the POJA is about?

Krazy,

Wow, that situation is close to a situation my sister is going through with a friend of hers. But it has bothered her even before my H's EA...

Now that we have gone through our experience and my sister saw how painful that was for us, she has tried to educate her friend who is an OW. The OW can't be swayed and she feels completely justified in her A.

My sister basically has cut off communication with her and let her know she doesn't agree with it.

It's really sad because society really doesn't frown upon infidelity anymore...

Yes - POJA

put every conceivable option "on the table" and brainstorm all possibilities with your H. Remember, you both need to be satisfied with the decision.

Is OM married?

Pep

Thanks, Pep.

Yes, OM is married but honestly, don't know much about him other than his first name and where he works!

NO, in my opinion it isn't. You cannot excuse abhorrent behavior by using one of Dr. H's tools. If we are to believe that infidelity is such a horrendous assault...on par with the death of a child or rape...it doesn't matter even one iota if one partner is not for exposure. A BS ALWAYS has to be informed of the horror which is being inflicted on their life. Always. No exceptions.

So, YOU go to his workplace and tell him that if he ever is in contact again, you will make his life a living hell.

Then take your exposure to the BS and let him know what you have done.

I am not "excusing" anything. I was looking for options of how to handle the situation b/c I don't think my MIL understands the gravity of her actions. As I have told you several times, I believe my FIL did know about the PA.

I remember early in my relationship with my H, when he told me of his mother's A, I asked how he could be so certain. He said anyone who knew the two of them at the time of the A, coworkers, family, etc, would have had to have been oblivious not to know as they were always together and they were obvious about it.

Until you KNOW that your FIL is aware of what is still going on in his life, I feel an obligation exists to make him aware of the truth.

I also feel an obligation exists to end all contact with an adulterer until they have turned from that lifestyle.

Just my opinions.

There are certain things you can POJA about, and then there are issues of morality that cannot be POJA'ed about. It's like POJA about a whether or not to get an abortion. IMO, the child's life comes before your spouse. I think doing the right thing is more important than POJA in some instances.

What I would do is sit down with FIL and share with him what you know about MIL's affair, and what you know about busting them up from your days at MB (i.e. NC for life!). Then it is up to him as to what to do.

I would certainly sit down with your FWH before you do this, but I would let him know that you would like to sit down and POJA about HOW to do it, and that you want his help, but ultimately, it will get done with or without him.

exactly

I suggest still confirming that your MIL admitted as much to him.