Oh, I feel good now. I have actually NOT been to the OW's house, but I know she's driven by here. But, I have a file. Lots of info I looked up, some I took out of H wallet. I do not believe he knows where it is, as I change the location occassionally. But, sometimes when I look at it it makes me sad, but other times it makes me feel so impowered, because he's here...not there. She wrote him cards, notes...MORON!
anyway...I still get all tingly when I image her moving to Alaska where there is a shortage of women only to find that all the men think her little dumpy self to be pathetic and gross. Some days I wish her to be alone forever, but then I feel guilty and ask for forgiveness in morning mass. Oh, that Catholic guilt!

That is the very reason I don't drive past the OW's house. It seems like contact to me and I don't want my husband triggered. And, like you, in the spirit of PORH I would tell him.

The other night he actually offered to drive past it WITH me if it would help me. I said no and I told him that I feared the sight of it and the neighborhood might cause some kind of feelings in him. And NC means NO CONTACT.

Fortunately, we live FAR from her house, but it is close to where we work.

So far, I have resisted calling her and hanging up for that same reason. No Contact. But let me tell you, sometimes it IS a HUUUUUUUUGE battle. Which is, of course, why I started this thread in the first place. Because, even now, I am

Still Obsessing,
WH2LE

WH2LE, how is it going for you these days? I think you're doing so well by staying true to your promises - PORH and NC by anyone. I admire your keeping to your commitment to your M, your H, and yourself even though it's hard sometimes.

I've struggled with bringing OW up in conversations and have managed to not LB about her in several weeks. I still think about her and feel such resentment, but I don't bring it up to WH. I hope we can get to the point you are one day where we can talk about this A more openly and productively.

Hi KLD!!!

I so appreciate your thinking about ME while you are going through so much!! Thank you for your thoughtfulness. I have been incredibly busy lately and find it hard to post except in spurts.

I have not been quite as obsessive about OW lately, but it has still been an incredibly difficult time. It is very near the one-year mark of D-Day and I find myself in constant anxiety.

There are so many triggers.

I should add that I have always been like this. One thing easily reminds me of another, and anniversaries, both good and bad, have always loomed large in my mind. Honestly, on my kids' birthdays, the details of their births are so strong in my mind that it is like it just happened. I have always had a special feeling for that line of poetry, " Oh memories that bless and burn...."

Everything was coming to a head last year at this time and I find myself SO angry at my H that I am not sure I can really get over it. The pictures in my mind are very vivid and the memory of betrayal almost feels fresh. Yuck!! I will be very happy when 5/31 has come and gone. Knowing myself, I should be able to think more clearly after that.

I am sure that I bring the whole issue up to my H FAR more than I should, but.....that's just the way it is. He has been more understanding in the last month, but I have learned from experience that I have to wait to see if this will last.

He developed a pattern of independent behavior and dishonesty that seems very hard for him to break. Intellectually, he gets it, but when it comes to the sheer "gut work" of changing these attitudes, it's another matter. He has shut himself off from HIMSELF for most of his life and it is hard for him to actually SEE who he is.

I want so much to post the whole story. There is so much I would like advice about. I am hesitant for two reasons though:
1) The sheer amount of time it would take. I don't really type and it takes me an ungodly amount of time to post relatively short items.
2) I am honestly afraid of feedback on some aspects of our situation. I know, that's stupid!! lol. I'm working on my sensitivity. I can't imagine where I would be without this MB forum, so I shouldn't be afraid of what people will tell me.

One thing that works well for me is that I have a job where I MUST be pleasant and smile. I am actually paid(although badly!) to be nice to people. It helps me "fake it" when I don't think I can "make it". And I DO love my job.

Thanks again for thinking about me. I will post to you on your thread soon. So glad you found a job!!!!!!! And you can stay in Atlanta. YAY!!!

Praying always,
WH2LE

WH2LE - I understand about the hesitancy to post the truth about some private and personal things and the lack of enthusiasm over hearing what some will have to say about those truths. I feel the same way sometimes.

It does help to hear all the things people have to say, but it's hard sometimes. Even if some things posted are a little off base because there's no way that people can know all the facts of our situations, it is helpful to hear everything. Some things that are just a bit off base can be adjusted to fit and help.

I'm praying that your triggers will get easier to deal with. I hope that your H continues to be understanding and that he knows that your sensitivity to anniversaries is part of you. It's so hard to keep some of those thoughts and feelings inside - and you really shouldn't have to.

"He developed a pattern of independent behavior and dishonesty that seems very hard for him to break. Intellectually, he gets it, but when it comes to the sheer "gut work" of changing these attitudes, it's another matter. He has shut himself off from HIMSELF for most of his life and it is hard for him to actually SEE who he is."

My H is very much like this so I understand what you're dealing with. It's so difficult to be on edge all the time waiting on him to follow through and communicate.

You seem to be so supportive of him and loving. He is truly a lucky man. I hope the two of you make it through this difficult time without too many scars. Are you still worried that your M will fail because of his A?

One thing I never asked you about your situation - did you have to do a Plan B? I seem to remember that you didn't because your H was immediately honest and remorseful when you found out, but I might be wrong...

KLD,

If my H and I get divorced(and I do NOT want that to happen), it will be because of his dishonesty and his reluctance to be completely transparent with me about EVERYTHING. He says that he is honest with me now, but I am SOOOO not sure I believe it.

Been there, done that.

I do not believe he is involved in an A, but there are other things he has lied to me about and I have realized that it is intolerable to me.

I have only recently realized that my #1 emotional need is Openness and Honesty. I always thought it was Affection, but he has shown me that he can be affectionate while lying to me. And I can not handle that. So.....that is where we are.

No, I did not have to go to Plan B. But it is a stretch to say that he was immediately honest and remorseful. He spent the first day-and-a-half telling me it was just an emotional thing, mostly on HER part and that he had ended it 10 days earlier. I know that is partly true. He told her it was over and did not call her but he did answer HER calls.

Then, when I told him that if I ever found out that he had really F'ed her that we would get divorced, he told me(reluctantly) that he had TRIED to F her, but couldn't...uh,you know... because he thought of me. Then he got very angry at my reaction and said he was done answering questions. Blah, blah, blah.

This went on painfully for a whole week, with me finally getting the bulk of the truth on D-Day+4, which included him admitting that he had actually F'ed her ONCE(which I ACTUALLY believe for a variety of reasons that I will explain sometime, but I could be wrong I know).

I believe that when I caught him, things were getting ready to start again(addiction). I found a TM he sent her because (wah,wah), he was worried about her. And I know he tried to call her that same night but did not get to talk. That was the night I found out and my nightmare became reality.

So. Immediately honest, immediately remorseful. I would say no, but No need for Plan B. The A stopped at that point.

I know things are better than last year at this time, but I think I am triggering so badly that it is hard to see it clearly.

Thank you for asking.

Wishing I could go back in time and change it all,
WH2LE