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Hi Luna,

I'm thinking about you. I am so impressed by your strength and ability to work through your feelings and make a stand for your commitment to yourself.

I learn new ways everyday. You sound much stronger probably because you have had time to work through the feelings and information and have it become what you need it to be.



BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Hi Queenie,

Quote
I'm thinking about you. I am so impressed by your strength and ability to work through your feelings and make a stand for your commitment to yourself.

I learn new ways everyday. You sound much stronger probably because you have had time to work through the feelings and information and have it become what you need it to be.

Thank you for your words of encouragement.

I am continuing to 'read' and catch up on your thread.....

Remember that WSs wear BSs out.... you need to rebuild your strength....so be sure to stick to plan B and N/C with WS for your OWN sake... keep putting one foot in front of the other....take one day at a time...refocus your thoughts if WS enters your mind...and be as patient, considerate and kind to yourself as much as you can....and more and more...and keep reminding yourself that: YOU ARE SOOOO SPECIAL....and you and those you care for are WORTHY of the best effort that you can muster up in face of the adversity at hand! (...and that does not exclude giving yourself a break when you don't feel up to the challenge....because...IT WILL BE TEMPORARY!)

((((((((((((QUEENIE))))))))))))))








XBW
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PLAN D: finalized!
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Hey Luna,

Thanks for your suggestions on how to apply Plan B. I'm working on it daily to take care of myself. Learning to shake thoughts of WH out of my head and put in good thoughts.

Anything you think I am doing wrong or need to adjust, please let me go.

This is so tough at times, but then I come here and read all of you guys who have walked before me and see what you did to get through it.

It's not what I want, but it's what I am dealt. And G-d wants me to not only survive, but flourish and I just can't let him down.


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 2,873
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Update.

Sorry if I am not around much...been very busy lately....but want you all to know that I am THINKING about you all....

I can't remember now if I have mentioned already that the mediation session(s) with WS are on....first week of June will be the first one.

If any of you can offer advice on how to prepare to go face-to-face with a WS, from experience or not, I would appreciate it.

Remember..it's a bit unusual... been in Plan B a loooonnnngggg time....

I know one of my fears is that I 'expect' to see S..... but he's a WS..... and am not quite sure how to 'protect' myself..... I am hoping that the mediator will 'force us' to stay on track.... the object is to figure out how to best separate assets, etc. while trying to keep lawyer's fees at a minimum....

....you newbies hear this..... a BS that LIKES BEING in plan B! ...can you believe it?

Guess I got too comfortable in plan B.... coming out of it, even temporarily in a structured setting, is turning out to be a major challenge....

Expect to be talking to myself quite a bit....to calm myself down.

Thanks.





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Luna, if you are uncomfortable with a face-to-face at mediation, you can request that the mediation be conducted in separate rooms. Most mediators have a break-out room that the attorneys and clients use to confer. This is not an unusual request. It would be the mediator going back and forth between the rooms.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I was wondering about that myself. This is very useful information..


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 2,873
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Thanks for dropping by PM,

Quote
if you are uncomfortable with a face-to-face at mediation, you can request that the mediation be conducted in separate rooms. Most mediators have a break-out room that the attorneys and clients use to confer. This is not an unusual request. It would be the mediator going back and forth between the rooms.

Unfortunately, the free mediation sessions offered by the Court don't allow this...

...the back and forth was attempted, at Court, in separate rooms, between our lawyers... I found it to be very ineffective.... and most of all....COSTLY!

So.... I am CHOOSING to say YES to mediation.... for financial reasons and to clear up some misunderstandings.... but it also means getting out of my 'comfort zone' of Plan B....

...seeing though that I chose the mediator, a psychologist knowledgeable about infidelities and who seems to advocate MB principles... I thought I would give it a shot...

....I keep telling myself.... if I get toooooo uncomfortable.... I can always...WALK AWAY!



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Hi Queenie,

I am jumping in your thread...back and forth..... and have read some of your latest posts....

Hang in there Queenie.... it does get better!


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(((Luna)))

My thoughts are with you. These D's get to be very expensive and anything you can do to cut the cost of it is helpful. I admire you for hanging in there so long because it is so tough. It will be hard to be in the same room, but you may be surprised. Will be anxious to hear how things go for you...



BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Hi CL,

I will keep you posted...

At this point, I am EAGER to get to the 'other side'....

...cut financial ties with a WS...whom I don't trust at all... so that I will be able to make 'financial decisions' on my own.....and for that to happen... THIS is the NEXT necessary step...

...breathing a lot.... reading a lot..... getting 'mentally' prepared.... to go into it with a sense of being/feeling EMPOWERED....

...thinking of you ((((((((((((((((CL))))))))))))))


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Oh okay, most of the mediators I deal with are private mediators who have their own facilities.

That's great that you were able to choose a mediator who was knowledgeable about infidelity and MB principles.

It will be tough but I think this is one good reason for breaking Plan B, especially when you're to the point where you are. Remember as Mimi says... chest out... head up... you're in control!


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Thank Luna,

I really appreciate you popping over. smile

And you are doing awesome as well.


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 2,873
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Hi PM,

Quote
That's great that you were able to choose a mediator who was knowledgeable about infidelity and MB principles.

It will be tough but I think this is one good reason for breaking Plan B, especially when you're to the point where you are. Remember as Mimi says... chest out... head up... you're in control!

Yes.....chest out...head up... BREATH DEEPLY!

In case anybody out there may be interested, am now reading a book that is very very interesting....on negotiating.... by William Ury called 'The Power of a Positive NO' and guess what? .... although said differently.... there is a parallel to MB principles... plans A & B....but without focusing on affairs.... so....it's plans A & B.... for daily use!



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Well... the MB Board to the rescue again.

I needed to share this, but do not want to 'humiliate' my adolescent by sharing it with family friends that KNOW him...

...so...the anonymity here helps!

....for Mother's Day....I let it be known to the boys that a couple of 'HUGS' from them would really hit the spot.... to which they generously obliged....

..but my adolescent went a little bit out of his way to buy me some chocolates (that I am known to like) with a note saying:

didn't know what to buy you
I love very much mom
and I am very happy to have a mom like you.

....NOW...THAT REALLY MADE MY DAY!








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Wow Luna, that's really great. I wish that my relationship with my Dd could be so good, but addictions don't allow for it.

You are awesome!!


BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Thanks CL.

I am sooo proud of him...

...and I am sorry that your DDs addiction is not allowing you to enjoy a healthier R with her today.... but it's important that you NOT LOSE HOPE, by keeping up your end of the bargain as a responsible parent, supporting her and continuing to BELIEVE that she can OVERCOME it, and THE DAY will come when it will have all been worth the effort....

((((((((((((((((((((((((CL))))))))))))))))


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I was reading Queenie's thread...

Did not want to t/j....

Quoting Mimi....

Quote
I took off my rings for the same reasons as SL during PLAN B...I didn't want the reminder..remember WH was supposed to be DEAD to ME...

...I had always found an 'excuse' not to take my off....but that's what it was...just an 'excuse'.... until I read Mimi's thoughts....and TODAY....I was ready...I have removed it... because I don't want the M I HAD....nor do I want to be reminded of WS....

...so OFF it came... (...had it on for almost 24 yrs....needed some help with soap)

...and I feel somewhat scared.... inspite of it all, I felt 'safer' with it on... but it was an illusion nonetheless.... but taking off the ring feels like I am somewhat MORE 'exposed'....

...feel the fear and do it anyways...isn't that what they say?

uuuurgggghhhhh......


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Quote
...feel the fear and do it anyways...isn't that what they say?
Because we walk together on here and learn from those before us.

Mine came off too.... Feel free to t/j anytime Luna.


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 2,873
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Hi Queenie..

Quote
Mine came off too.... Feel free to t/j anytime Luna.

Thank you for putting me at ease... I appreciate it...

Only those here can understand the intensity of the conflicting feelings provoked by the act of 'removing a wedding ring' and being also someone who values M and family at the same time....

...and suppose nobody here would be surprised to learn that I am sitting here....tears falling freely down my cheeks... calmly feeling the pain...badly wanting to make more room for joy....





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No it wouldn't surprise me. And it pains me too that you are hurting.

Sadly we can't take our pain away from each other, but we can offer our hearts and prayers and you have mine.

{{{{{{{{{{{{LUNA}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I know that deep pain..... And you will get through it. Like you helped me last weekend. It ended and so shall yours and you will have walked through one more thing.

But that really doesnt' help when you are in the pain, does it.

I'm here LUNA as are so many others....


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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