First of all I want to say I'm glad this forum is here it has helped me immensly.

I know that all of our "stories" are generally the same but I'ld like to tell mine if you don't mind.

When my husband and I were married in 1997 we became a blended family. We both had children from two previous relationships, between us we had 12 children. To support them all we both worked full time and operated a home business. Our downfall? We became too busy for "ourselves." In 2001 we became the parents of twins.

We no longer have all the children living with us as they are all over 18-years-old, only the twins who are 7-years-old. Life had become much easier and I felt as though we were "coming together" again. My husband is somewhat of a "male chauvinist" and I spent ALOT of time taking care of the home front and working full time, I believe a resentment was built on my part. There were always good times though.

Back in 2003 I began to hear rumors that my husband was seeing another woman and that she was pregnant with his child. When I questioned him he flatly denied it. I even called her and asked her point blank. She also flatly denied it. I had always had the utmost trust in my husband and believed them both. Then in 2005, she was pregnant again and rumor had it that this child was also my husbands. Alright, something just wasn't right. Again I questioned them both and again I got the denials.

Alright, life goes on, don't dwell, keep going, tell yourself everything is alright, forget the rumors... Husband has always been kind, hardworking, sex was good (at least I thought so), lots of friends and family, he was ALWAYS involved with us...

May 10th, 2008 I check the mail. Child support has been awarded to the other woman! DEVASTATION! WHY? WHY? WHY? She filed in July of 2007 and my husband has delayed and prolonged it until now. He said he never wanted me to find out because he knew the pain and devastation that it would cause. He said she had told him the first time that she couldn't get pregnant and that he believed her because she had a 13-year-old son and no other children. He begged her to get an abortion but she refused. Then she told him the child was not his. Second time... She told him she had gotten her tubes tied, obviously she had not.

I actually worked with the other woman, not directly but I saw her every day. Now I know what the smug little smiles were all about. As I look back I now realize that other coworkers were trying to tell me in a quiet way, probably because they didn't want to get involved. I overheard things like, "He said he loves his wife and family and won't leave them." or "____ mad because he won't leave them and live with her." or "He said even if his wife leaves him he refuses to be with her." DUMB me! Every sign was there. People were trying to tell me. I never nagged him about it, only quietly asked him a few times. Always denial.

The day I found out I actually had some concrete proof to show him. He said he had been waiting for the day and had been dreading it. He told me he had ended the affair back in 2005 when she became pregnant the second time and that she was very angry at him for it. So get this! He willingly signed paternity papers back in 2007 because she told him if he did she would never file for support or bother him again. After he signed the paternity papers she then told him that if he wouldn't leave me to be with her then she was filing for child support. So for approximately the past year my husband has been living with the fear that I would find out and worrying about the financial consequences of his affair.

I am torn, torn between staying or leaving. We have worked sooooo hard together to create what we have. Our children and families all love both of us and if I left they would be very upset. No one in our families knows about my husbands affair and we both would like to keep it that way. But this isn't really about them, is it? Do I still love my husband? You bet I do. Do I really believe he loves me? Yes, but does he understand what real love is? He wants to go to counseling but we can't afford it right now. I've told him about this site but he's not a huge fan of reading. He has explained to me what happened and how he felt then and feels now. I'm sure though that he hasn't told me EVERYTHING. In fact he said there are some things he doesn't want to tell me because he doesn't want to see my pain. To tell you the truth I would rather not hear the sorid details.

I am trying very hard right now to just get past this first initial hurt. Wondering how I will ever be able to believe in him again. Don't think I am defending him in any way, what he did is unexcusable, but this is the first time I have ever seen my husband cry. I think we spent the first week crying together. I believe that he got caught up in something that he just couldn't get out of and now we are BOTH paying the price for it.

My husband has contacted an attorney to legally request that blood tests be done. When he asked her for them she refused. I am praying that the children are not his. We live in a small community and people talk. Whether it's rumor or not many have said that this woman really gets around. In fact here's a YUCK! for you - My husbands 31-year-old son told me that he is one of her regulars. Wonder if Dad knows what he was sharing? LOL!!!!

So the children could be your H's children, or grandhildren? Or perhaps one is a child, and the other is a grandchild? Which would make them half siblings and aunt/uncle? Sorry, not meaning to make light of the situation, just amazed at the mess your H has created.

You seem incredibly calm in light of the situation. There are two forums here dovoted to children of A's. One private, one public. There is much experience here in these issues and I will not presume to advise you.

Good luck.

I am new here too. I just posted a thread here myself today.

All I can say about the small town thing is, who cares? You didn't make him do anything. I lived in a small town and was married to the small town cop.

He had his affair and it made our county paper. So the WHOLE county knew.

One thing I never did care about is what people thought of me. Let em think what they want about the WS! Do not assume any more worries than you have already.

My very best friend wrote me this in an email and I read it every day. I read it before I knew of my currents husbands fling. How true it is...and especially after reading Dr Harleys words on not ever trusting anyone, ever. It is really true.

We NEED to know that our own love for others was the real thing and that what we did was done in love. God loves us. That sounds corny, but people - any people - are too fallible to need from. We need to free each other from all of that. We set ourselves up with our "expectations" then blame others when they don't fulfill what we've concocted in our heads. People, all of us, are so imperfect.


Be gracious on the outside and work on needing nothing on any level from anyone but God. Pour the beautiful you into the young folks in your life that are still coming around... and don't need them either. Get everything you NEED from the shades of green in the trees, the sparkling stars, and your own heart. This is just a trip through - not a final destination. We are and have all we need, and the sooner we know that the sooner we can find our peace. We just cannot get life to get in line with what we project it should be.


If you are spiritual, give your problems to God. We cannot steer anyones river. We can hope they will navigate it with us. I believe my husband will, he had started counseling before he even told me. But he has alot of proving and work to do with me.

Take care of yourself, first. I am a wreck of emotions right now myself.

Have you read all the material about surviving an affair? What you should be doing? What HE should be doing? You guys have a lot of work ahead, if you decide to stay together. Whatever you do, do NOT sweep it under the rug; he'll just go out and get a new gf.

Tyk-

Weird, huh? There are other men also that could be the potential fathers. Time will tell I guess.

You stated that I seem incredibly calm in light of the situation. On the outside I am, I guess that comes from dealing with alot of hard knocks in life and also from working in the corporate world for many years. I am EXTREMELY good at letting things just roll off my back. This situation about blew me over though. I went to see a favorite female doctor the first week and told her all. She prescribed me an antidepresent and an anti-anxiety pill. I took them for a week but felt like such a zombie that I stopped taking them. Tylenol even knocks me out!

This whole problem stems from something that my husband is lacking. Not to say that I did not contribute in some way. He says that he was looking for affection. Looking back I can see where I went wrong. Our poor communication didn't help either. Neither did my total trust in him, that's gone.

As awful as this all is I am hoping that it has opened BOTH our eyes to what we did wrong and what we have to do now to make things right.

And maybe I'm a little off right now but I have always been one to see the humor in everything. Stupid husband! Man did he ever get taken advantage of! LOL!!!! She actually told him when she was begging him to sign paternity papers that she chose HIM out of all the men in the area to have children with because she admired him so much. His ego must of loved that. Isn't he the dork! LOL!!!!

BullyMom-
First of all I am sorry that either one of us has to be here but it's nice to meet you anyways. Wow! the whole county knew about your situation! How embarrasing! Not many people know here in my small town and if they do know they are being politely discreet about it. I am holding my head up and acting as though nothing happened. I don't know if that's the right thing to do but I'm doing it. I quit my job so I no longer work in the same building as the OW. Today I got a call from the legislative office there and was asked if I would consider coming to work there. On one hand I do not ever want to see her face again but on the other we need the income. Am I tough enough to do it? Maybe, maybe not. I feel vulnerable right now and I think she would cause me trouble. A couple days after I found out my husband called her and let me listen to their conversation. He told her that I was listening. Even though she knew I was listening she acted as though I wasn't there and begged and pleaded for him to leave me. He said some AWFUL things to her. Said she was the biggest mistake of his life. That she was ugly and he didn't know what he ever saw in her. That he wanted nothing to do with her ever again and that he would appreciate if she never tryed to contact him again. He also told her that he would always love me and that the pain and hurt he had caused me would be something he would never forget. I guess hearing this conversation made me feel like there is hope. Am I being stupid for staying? I just don't know. Am I angry at him? EXTREMELY! I'm just not showing it to him right now. Don't think that I didn't rant and rave at him the first week, he sat back and took it. Said I needed to get it out. I said what I had to say and I think once is enough. Nagging won't help anything.

catperson-
I have read this WHOLE site! LOL!!!! I ordered some of Dr. Harley's books from Amazon too. I will not be sweeping this under the rug. No more trust here. If he can do it once he can do it again. You would think that at our age life would be much more simple! LOL!!!! I'm 44 and he's 50. Neither of us looks our age though. One thing that bothers me is that I have always taken pride in myself. I am not ugly or overweight and I found myself wondering what's wrong with ME. Sure I have my faults but this situation stemmed from some problem he obviously has in his head. He created this problem for himself and now we both have to deal with it. I think that is what makes me so angry.

We could be soul sisters.

I too, have been thru rough times and I don't show my emotions to the outside world. Maybe it is the fact that for 20 yrs, my profession as a paramedic and 911 operator has taught me to hold them in.

I dunno.

I am angry. I wanna work at this and he is showing remorse. I am working on freeing up time on my end with my school. Time will tell what he would put forth. I am lucky in the fact that it was more a one nite stand....but it can happen again, so we need to work on us and prevent that in the future.

I am gonna PM you my number. I would love to chat more.

BullyMom-
Ok, don't laugh but what is "PM you my number"? How do I look for it?